Keep Walking

The Imprudent Generation…

2010-04-19T11:30:00.001+05:30

Thinking – such a waste of time! This has become the catch-word that Hero Honda banked on to revive the fortunes of the new CBZ – the CBZ Xtreme.

Kajol: Yeh sochne-wochne ka kaam mujhse nahi hota. Shukar hai is ghar mei koi toh intelligent hai!

Ajay: Thank you Jaanu.

Kajol: Mai tumhari nahi, humaare Whirlpool (AC or Fridge… I forget which) ki baat kar rahi hoon.

Loose translation – K: Can’t seem to get myself to think. Thankfully, there’s someone intelligent at home

A: Thanks babes.

K: Not you. I’m talking about the (random) Whirlpool (thingie) This is the latest advertisement for (random) Whirlpool product-line.

The new and disturbing trend in the ad industry – Moronizing the consumer.

I was a kid when advertisements were more focused on educating the customers (Dabur, Nirma, Melodie, etc.). Then the advertisements moved on to entertaining the customer. It used to be difficult, but I could still see some connect. I was even okay when it was just the old-school ‘demeaning the consumer’ trend. “You there… yeah you, the fugly dark babe/dude… improve your self-esteem with this fairness product” type of advertisements. Or, the “hey assface, get laid with this deo” kind of placement worked too…

But admitting that no carbon-based life form in your household has an IQ more than a random appliance is below the belt. Though the actors definitely look the part and obviously have no qualms admitting the fact, I take offence. As a Homo Sapien, that is. It is strangely, but surely comforting that you command the brown/white appliances at home. After a hard day’s work there is nothing more comforting than coming back home and relaxing, assured in the knowledge that your gadgets, fixtures, and appliances will obey your every command. They cool your room, chill your drink, heat your meal, play your music and all that.

I’d hate to be one of the people who can’t do that. Is that why they dispense all the pent-up aggression at work? Because their IQ is lower than an inanimate household item?

Indian Putrid League…

2010-04-15T13:15:00.002+05:30

Q: What happens when a petty dimwit, who leads a hugely successful franchise, faces off with a suave lobbyist?

A: Crap hits the fan!

Welcome dear friends to a side-act that seems to be dominating India’s richest circus – Indian Premier League. IPL, as it is better known, started as an idea by the Indian cricketing legend Kapil Dev, to hone the cricketing talent of the country. At a time when India’s cricketing board considered T20, the shortest format of the game to be just a fad, Kapil Dev created the Indian Cricket League (ICL) with private sponsors. The event was an instant success for the cricket-hungry nation with international players mentoring upcoming Indian cricketers and enthralling crazed fans.

Enter Lalit Modi, who convinces the BCCI (Indian Cricket Board) that with the Indian team winning the 2007 T20 world cup, the fad is here to stay. For a plan to cash-in on the rush, Lalit Modi revisits the ICL plan, Cntrl+A, Cntrl+X, Cntrl+V. Viola! IPL is born. He then resorts to the cheap tactic of banning all Indian players in the ICL from representing the country. Trivializes Kapil Dev’s efforts and gets the ICC (International Cricketing Council) to discredit the ICL. What happens to ICL? Shift+Del!

What followed were two hugely successful seasons that cashed in on two evergreen passions of the Indian Man – Cricket and White Babes. The IPL wants more and invites bids for two new teams. Team Pune and Team Kochi offer whopping amounts of USD 350M and USD 333M for their teams, and win the bid. The Kochi bid is put together by Rendezvous sports, a bunch of unrelated parties brought together by Dr. Shashi Tharoor, an erudite politician from Trivandrum. Suddenly, something.

What follows is a developing story and the plot, sub-plots, characters, locales, and political affiliations will change. Continuously, randomly.

Act 1. The Kochi franchise’s papers are returned, citing lack of paperwork as the reason. As any Indian will know, the next logical thing is to slip a fiver into the babu’s pocket. The franchise, rather than slipping a fiver in the pocket, spends time, money, and energy in compiling paperwork.

Act 2. Modi tweets about irregularities in the partnership and attacks Shashi Tharoor personally, and insinuating his financial interest in the franchise. He also confesses to having received a call from Tharoor asking him to ‘back off’ from the scrutiny of the Kochi team’s papers.

Act 3. Dr Tharoor tweets ‘I’ve had enough” and issues a press release. He refrains from any personal attacks, but his aides and confidants do not. They publish Modi’s past in the US as a cocaine peddler , kidnapper, and assaulter. (?!)

Act 4. The Kochi team challenges Modi to disclose the ownership patterns of all teams. This supposedly caused a minor tremor in Lahore, where the ‘Bhai’ is living off ISI’s money and hospitality. (Any Indian company is only legitimate if the ‘Bhai’ has a stake in it.) Tharoor receives a threat SMS from the ‘Bhai’ (which will be eventually traced to some wannabe dumfuk) and his security is beefed up.

Act 5. Another disclosure linking Modi to a model and a probable casting pitch(?) scandal raises eyebrows. Modi is asked by the BCCI to stop tweeting and not make further comments (till they receive their share?) until the matter is sorted.

Act 6. BJP demands Tharoor’s resignation. (Again, this is the only logical conclusion for any problem.)

Update: April 18, 2010

Tharoor quits his post as a minister in the external affairs ministry.

Update: April 21, 2010

The BCCI and IPL governing council suggest Modi's exit. The defiant Modi refuses to go down

Disclaimer: My being a Mallu doesn’t necessarily mean that I am a fan of Tharoor by default. I honestly think that he should quit politics, since the political scene is not yet ready for a class act like him. IMO, it is his skill as a lobbyist that put a motley crew together to bid for a team. Moreover, even in the unlikely event that he has a financial stake in the outfit, isn’t it better than having underworld connections and other assorted mafia links? I’m really curious to see how Modi will come out of this…

Ancient, Orthodox, Walker...

2010-03-11T16:01:00.004+05:30

I sometimes wonder if I belong to a different time and age… And it’s not just my creaking bones that make me wonder that. There are a lot of things around me that continue to reinforce my belief. Let’s take fashion, for instance…

I identify with a school of thought where women look like women and men look like men. Flip through any fashion channel or magazine now, and all you will find is women with the structure of underfed pre-teen boys and men, like they’ve just been let off a concentration camp. And they both look like they’ve lost the will to live. Seriously! Is that what passes off as sex appeal these days?

And why would any legally sane person EVER want to be a size zero? What does that mean anyways? To the best of my reasoning, it could mean the size of the wearer’s brain! Why would anyone actually pay money to look anorexic? And what kind of demented folks prefer such people? Or has mutation given the new generation some kind of convex vision? Or worse – has age given me concave vision?

Whatever be the reason, there goes my dreams of becoming a supermodel! Not that it will, in anyway, come in the way of my world-domination ambitions by becoming a God-man, but still… We all like a little fan following, don’t we?

But there are still a few things that, in my mind are divided by gender. I hope this table illustrates two categories of what (most people in) my generation identify with the sexes…

Category	Item/s	Gender
Cosmetics	All cosmetics	Feminine
	After shave, Cologne, Vaseline, Talcum powder	Masculine
	Lipstick, Foundation, Rouge…	NOT Masculine
Clothing	Skirts, blouses, tank-tops, things, saris, capris, hot pants, gowns, dresses…	Feminine (Actually women look good in anything)
Clothing	Pants, shirts, tees, jeans, kurtas	Masculine (refer above too)

Men should realize that UNLIKE women, they WILL look funny wearing anything out of the above table (let’s keep regional preferences like dhotis, loincloths, etc. out of this). And that there is a fine line that divides the metrosexuals from the effeminate. I am not homophobic, but the trend of men doing their eyebrows and stuff unsettles me… And so do men or women with a lack of personal hygiene… I hope I’m making sense to you, because sometimes, I can’t understand myself. Especially in such cases. I try and simplify it to myself by saying that a Man should look like a Man and a Woman should look like a Woman.

And yes, what started this was the sight of a guy in a car, doing make-up in the morning traffic of Mumbai. Honestly, I failed to decide then – which was more pathetic.

Scheduled Role Reversal...

2010-03-05T16:57:00.000+05:30

I pride myself on being able to watch movies the wrench the hearts out of the heartless without shedding a single tear. I am so emotionally detached watching TV, that I make fun of my wife/mother/sister/friend if they even as much as sigh during an emotional patch…

As a kid, my Mom’s biggest threat used to be that one day, I will become like those I make fun of. I now realize that the day is fast approaching. Again!

In a strange role-reversal of sorts, I used to be the one who used to stare at the TV, teary-eyed and heartbroken, while my wife used to exact her revenge by making fun of my heroes! And I’m afraid, the time is at hand again…

The 2010 sporting season for me begins on March 12 with the IPL. It carries on till the end of November with the football world cup and Formula 1. And I’m going to be an emotional wreck this year!

It will start with IPL3 where my team, the Deccan Chargers hope to defend their title from last year. Year one saw them at the bottom of the table. At that time, there were only TWO DC fans in the whole world – Pratibha and I. While the whole world mocked us, we held our heads high. When IPL2 started, the same non-believers came back to hound us, and to them I now say- “Who’s your daddy NOW?”.

It was easier last year since any position other than the last was an improvement, and even if they came last, we could claim to be consistent. Not so this year… I’m going to stay off fat and protein.

Same with the Azzuri. My favorite team since I started following the world cup in Mexico ’86. The Italians had the X-factor. I was obviously too young to realize that then, I supported them because their flag was the closest to India’s. But my support never wavered and my love for the Azzuri survived the Maradona, and Ronaldo eras. While my friends dreamed about Bollywood, I used to idolize Toto, Baggio, Maldini, Del Piero, Cannavarro, and the likes. Not that I disliked other teams, I would always have a step team to support. But my heart always beat with the Azzuri…

And then, the most painful of my sporting indulgences – Formula 1. My affair with the sport began in 1998, the Mika Hakkinen era. The battles between Mika and Michael Schumacher kept the season interesting. Despite losing the championship that season, I started favoring Ferrari. I was in awe of the scarlet car and everything associated with it, including Schumi.

1999 was disappointing after Michael’s Silverstone accident and thereafter missing five (or was it six) races… But he came back in Malaysia and how! He virtually held up the entire race for Eddie Irvine, who finished first and Ferrari were the champs that year. They went on to dominate the next six years, which honestly were not as exciting with no one to challenge Schumi.

A lot has happened since then, Force India entered F1 in 2008 and took a bite out of my loyalty to Ferrari. Schumi retired, Ferrari became champs again… But this year, things are not so pleasant for me. Schumacher makes a comeback and races for team Mercedes. Alonso and Massa pilot the Ferrari, Karun Chandok becomes the second Indian F1 driver…

Things are not going to be easy this time either…

Wake Up Walker...

2010-02-19T11:48:00.001+05:30

This morning, Ajita walks up to me and asks – How is ‘Rahul Mahajan ka Swayamvar’? That was when I realized that I became the Kannagi Ohlsson of the blog world. Not good! That is not the reality. The reality is this:

My name is Walker, and I am not a Bollywood star!

…NOT!

It seems that these days, if you have to be somebody worth anything in India, you gotta be a Bollywood star. That, my friends, is the new Indian identity. My barf reflexes started building up from the first time I saw PMS – Phir Mile Sur – for the first time on Jan 27. At the grave risk of being labeled a misogynic, insensitive, b@$***d (or MIB), the song induces a PMS in me and I pity myself for choosing a career that mandates competence. I am now a lesser citizen, who will never be appreciated unless I land a role in the movies…

And once that happens, no matter what I do or say, I will always have people to support any nonsense I say… I already have a blog and a twitter ID, so those are checked. All I have to do now is arrange for a lobotomy so that I will not, even by accident, say or do anything intelligible or logical. No one even raises an eyebrow about the stupid things I do.

Case in point – the most prolific star India has known. I have lost count of the political asses he has kissed. Starting from the Congress, Samajwadi Party, Shiv Sena, Bharatiya Janata Party… Even Deve Gowda’ obscure party! Fans pant, bank swells…

Another case – the MC Hammer of Indian cinema. Owns a sport franchise, doesn’t bid for any players who come from the ‘Best Neighbor’. Then cries about it. There is an uproar, and (wink) his upcoming movie gets dragged into it. The ever-faithful Mainstream Media swarms to the story like pigeons to grain. Fans pant, bank swells…

So I am torn between my future as a God-man and that of being a star. Well, I would REALLY like a cult following, but I would also like to be on some edition of the Mile Sur series… Even the upcoming one with Rakhi Sawant, Himesh, Rahul Mahajan, Pritam, KRK and other ‘accomplished’ Indians will do. Till that happens, I would not have ‘arrived’, and I definitely want to ‘arrive’.

I also need to learn the subtle art of practising inanity while not compromising on my conceit...

In the meantime, I plan to watch MNIK and rent Chhahat and Ram Jaane to up my acting skills.

P.S.: I have no issues with the real talents like ARR, Anoushka, Amjad Ali, Zakir Hussain, Yesudas, and the others. I lose when I see Bollywood/Kollywood/Tollywood/Tiger Wood/WTFwood ham. ARR is a great singer and they didn’t let HIM sing… gave hime a fekkin fingerboard. The revulsion I feel about the PMS video could fill volumes…

The Walkerashtra…

2009-12-10T11:16:00.002+05:30

If there’s one thing I’ve learnt from the last 10 years, it is this: No one messes with a deluded man out to kill himself. At-least in India!

In the not so distant future, to be precise, on January 12, 2028 (providing the world survives 2012, of course), I shall form Walkerashtra, the 87,229,317^th state of the Republic on India.

And unlike the politicians of today, I shall gain approval by more persuasive means – eating unto death! Unlike fasting, eating has the additional advantage of flatulence, which has proved to be extremely effective in influencing others to not mess with you.

Walkerashtra will be created on one principle – absolute and unequivocal acceptance of its great leader – TheWalker (a la DPR Korea, the utopian society that my dear friend Max opened my eyes to). In the 120,178 sq.meters of Walkerashtra, there will be 7 statues of mine; and the entire population of 9 humans, 5 dogs, and other insects will sing songs in praise of my blog posts and my future as the unrivaled Godman.

The state animal will be a Labrador Retriever named Elvis ‘Popo’ Presley (in memory of our first dog), the state bird will be the mosquito (a homage to Kerala, my home state), and such. We shall rename every dog as either Tyson or Dopey, all trees will be called coconut trees, and each of the three street crossings will be called Walker Chowk!

My one-man state assembly, will pass a resolution to have ‘Walker’ included in the name of the airport that we share with 2,342 other states 45 miles away, and the railway station, 10 miles away, shared by 87. I too, shall collect state government taxes from all passing vehicles that have to cross about 217 states to travel 5 miles – a week-long road trip.

The central government is a sham by now, since coalitions are formed that get a majority every 7 minutes. I, personally shall be a part of at-least 3,956,317 coalitions, that were in power for a total of 187 hours – a new record, making me a national hero!

And that, my dear friends, will be the beginning to my world-domination plans. Boohaahaahaa…

The Fulltyu Addityu...

2009-12-08T12:28:00.003+05:30

Well, I was going through the 2008 Indiblog awards site, and stumbled upon quite a few gems. In case you haven’t voted for your favorite site yet, please do so NOW.

And one thing I noticed was that quite a few of them lavish attention on India’s 1st Rockstar – Himesh Reshammiya!

I can understand that ‘Radio – It’s complicated’ has released and all that, but only when I stumbled upon this, did I understand the real magnitude of adulation that the man deserves. IMHO, this site should’ve been nominated for the best Indiblog humor site ever. Fuk that! It should be voted as the best site in the history of the internet… in the history of the universe. Believe me – It’s THAT funny.

As you look at pages and posts, you will understand the pain of a man whose only fault is his awesomeness. And seeing his movies, you realize that he believes in that too. He elevated self-worship to unheard-of levels in ‘Aap Ka Surroor – The Real Luv Story’. Then, it was ‘Karzzzz’. What both the movies had in common, other than supernosural vocals and the pouting rockstar, was that there are always multiple women who desire him. That is in addition to multitudes who adore him as God’s greatest gift to music and women.

So, I decided to undertake the ultimate sacrifice of scourging his fan-site to understand the reality behind this hysteria. I’ve spent some quality time reading posts and comments by people who should’ve never been near a pen or a computer in their lives… I hope that you will understand if I’m incoherent, but I’ll try my best.

The banner of the fansite reads: Welcome To… Himesh-Reshammiya.com - The No.1 fanClub Site of India’s 1st Rock Star. It is quickly followed by “Himesh Reshammiya India's 1st and No.1 Rockstar!”. The only lucid conclusion one can draw is that the author knows as much about rock as Himesh knows about modesty. Being a fan of rock myself, I take strong offence to his brand of music being associated with anything resembling rock. But I quickly check myself to refrain from bias and move on…

I move to the blog section and I was rewarded immediately with "Himesh-Reshammiya-grows-as-an-actor" type posts. The man himself commends his acting and his steady progress to the Oscars. But please check out the comments. Fans are being driven to despair criticizing the critics. Comments like -

• “i dnt think theres any freakin person on this planet who would write this movie off….but this is how things go….this is gonna happen again n again…. i cant take it anymore”,

• “I HAD WATCHEN FIRST SAY FIRST SHOW | IT WAS AN FANTASTIC EXPERIENCE | I LOVE THE MOVIE | HIMESH ROCK | BUT I WOULD LIKE TO REQUEST U ALL RESHAMMIYANS* TO PLZZZ KINDLY GO N WATCH Bcause THE COLLECTIONS ARE VERY POOR SO PLZZZZZZ KINDLY GO N WATCH N INCREASE THE COLLECTIONS OTHERWISE IT WOULD ALSO BE A FLOP”, “HR* RAWKzzz….n RADIO is the biggest blockbuster for me…”, and

• “HR* has untapped talent in this dept…..the way he connects with the emotion scenes is brilliant…” to the maniacal

• “I luv u Himeeeshhhh... U R d kyutest and most rocking rockstar”

- were there in plenty and I was wondering if people these days really believe in such stuff and blind devotion. According to me, there are only two people who are worthy of blind adoration – Mithunda and Rajni anna.

There are also other hilarious posts that deal with “Radio is for class, not mass audience” and “Himesh is preening, “I consider the music of Radio to be my best work to date. I’m proud of every song. But Mann Ka Radio is special. It has become the youth anthem in our country.”

Yeah right! I wonder if the ‘Classes’ will have the ‘Fulltyu Addityu’ to accept such path-breaking, genre defining cinema in this time and age – only time will tell. In the meantime, please read these reviews of Radio by the best bloggers in the business:

Indiequill and Greatbong.

*(Random Info: HR was Himesh Reshammiya’s name in Aap Ka Surroor, as the World’s greatest rockstar. And His fans refer to themselves as ‘Reshammiyans’. To the best of my knowledge, it is a conspiracy to malign the acronym for the most loved department of your organization.)

Die Creativity, die…

2009-11-18T15:00:00.003+05:30

I like creativity primarily because I have none. IMHO, people are born with it, and I’m willing to accept that and move on. I have learnt to deal with it as a divine will, like His* decision to not endow me with awesome bass guitar playing ability or George Clooney like looks. I love to be around people who can think up and do wonderful stuff like the riff on Lynrd Skynrd’s ‘Freebird’ or the sketches and inking of Savio. Unfortunately for me, I haven’t been able to accept it as a management practice. ‘Innovative’ practices are more of common sense than creativity. Using data to arrive at decisions is common sense, so labeling SixSigma as a creative tool (I know organizations that teach SixSigma in their creativity workshops. So) is weird… And creativity, unless practiced with extreme caution, can be catastrophic. I’m sure most of you are not willing to accept this, so allow me to illustrate…

You are a vocal advocate of creativity and people are really motivated with your reasoning. You become famous and are invited to New York for a seminar with a Fortune 50 company. On the flight, people recognize you and you become the center of attraction and soon, it’s time to land. In your capacity, and in your current situation, would you want the pilot to be creative? Or the Air Traffic Controller?

Now that we have that aspect out of the way, I hope you agree with me that you are better off leaving some things working the way they are. Sometimes creativity is the problem not the solution.

Most companies around are looking at ‘creative’ ways to engage their employees. The key here is to identify areas that require intervention in the first place and then identify people to pull it off. And this is not an either-or scenario. Both conditions have to be met. Otherwise, it turns out to be a ‘kiss of death’ for common sense. Let us look at some fictitious situations where creativity overrides common sense…

Situation: Less number of restrooms in an office.

Common Sense: Construct rest-rooms. If that’s a no, live with it. Who gets there first, goes first. Simple.

Creative Solution: Create a restroom policy. Now, only the management gets to use the restrooms. Organize a few fire hydrants outside the office complex for the rank and file if the organization is ‘humane’.

Situation: Unhappy employees

Common Sense: Find and eliminate cause.

Creative Solution: Hire a consultant. Devise a happiness policy. Invent a mandate for employees to follow policy. Defaulters undergo ‘coaching’ to be happy.

I hope you get the drift. All I want to say is that creativity requires two ingredients:

The right situation

The right person

Anything else is misapplication of sense. My thumb-rule is to use creative abilities only when common sense does not solve the problem

*Please forgive my reference to the Divine Creator as a male. My intention is not to be gender insensitive or politically incorrect. My life will lose its meaning if I believe my Creator to be gender neutral!

Disclaimer: This post does not intend to have any resemblance to any organization, profitable or otherwise. If you identify your organization with this post, ignore it as a coincidence and locate the nearest exit.

The Superpower Riseth…

2009-10-24T15:09:00.004+05:30

“Every child is special, me was especially so.” - D-Man

Across ages and civilizations, great men and women have roamed the Earth with powers unlike any. Superman, Obama, Batman, Jet Li, Spiderman, Obama, James Bond, Barb Wire (ahem), Obama, Shaktiman, Rakhiji… These extraordinary (white) human beings (Superman is an exception because he is from Krypton. Really, come to think of it, even Darkman was a white guy*. ) were able to rise above the ordinary because they realized their true potential. As a professional who feeds his family teaching and training, I believe that every human has, indeed, a hidden power that makes them super.

My superpower is that I can watch the most excruciating programs and movies with ease. Something my wife has not come to terms with… yet! But one day, the world will know me as – D-Man! (Pronounced as Dee Minus Man).

The D- denotes the class of movies and programs I can endure. On my resume are masterpieces like Gunda, Deshdrohi, What’s your Rashee, Main hoon Na, Manos – the hand of fate, Rakhi ka Swayamvar, AAp ka Surroorrrr, Titanic, and then some. I can even watch the late-night infomercials that sell a range of products that can make you super like Nazar Pendants and Inflatable Sofas!

And like Superman has Kryptonite, I have Ronnie – my wife. The only one that stands between me and my superpower destiny! So, these days, while she is away in Delhi, I get to perfect my craft.

So Friday evening, it’s business as usual. I veg-out in front of my TV in search of new adventures, and to drop in on some old friends who’ve evolved during my absence. And oh boy, was I rewarded! Evil Grin

DPL – Dance Premier League – This is an attempt to divide the country with the two things that most of us Indians are very passionate about. Bollywood Dance and Cricket. The country is divided into five zones – North, East, South, West, and Central. There is also a representation from Pardesi Desis – the NRIs. These teams are pitted against one another in a show that redefines mediocrity. The lack of talent of the participants is rivaled only by the dumbness of the judges.

Terminal Velocity (in Hindi) – This was nowhere near the class of Spiderman-2 that I watched in Bhojpuri. Not even close. But the sight of Charlie Sheen speaking like a tapori makes you a believer in the parallel universe concept. Don’t miss the customary end-of-movie kiss scene where the VO artists demonstrate their ability to make chirping sounds. Classic!

Pati, Patni, aur Woh – The classic boring tale of an Indian household. Spiced up with angled stare-shots and cheap bollywood music to suit the context. Even Rakhiji's presence couldn't salvage this show. 'nuf said? Makes you long for a break like the end credits for a Himesh movie…

Big Boss Season 3 – Nothing more pitiful than the sight of Amitabh Bachhan trying to understand the psyche of the participants who’ve been kicked out. To my good fortune, this time was KRK or Kamal Rashid Khan – the star of the legendary Deshdrohi.

Ninja Pandav – I swear to God I am not kidding. I probably am the first superhero to do this, but I have attached photographic evidence. The pic also contains a synopsis of the program. I am not worthy to comment.

CID – A spoof of CSI. Chronicles the average day in the life of a crack investigation unit led by a constipated but hilarious ACP, and his team that comprises of politically-correct cross-section of people, religions, and personalities like a funny Catholic and an absent-minded coroner. Unlike the Bruckheimer production, you always have to slap the suspect (in true Indian police tradition) for him/her to confess. A must-see if you are a fan of CSI…

Bairi Piya – A soap that started off as a real-life depiction of farmer suicides. The TRPs showed that the audiences wanted to see this program as bad as Abhijeet Sawant’s next movie. The producers then turned this into a rich landlord and poor landless farmer’s daughter romance. TRPs soar, producers happy!

These were sprinkled with promos of soaps, and upcoming movies that include Himesbhai’s Radio. That hurt… But what really got me curious was the promo of a show that reveals details of your past life! I would’ve been willing to give my remote-wielding right arm to find out had it not been for Facebook. Coz I know that I was Einstein in my past life! Who’s your daddy now?

And if you think there are any more such programs I can test my endurance with, please suggest them. I need to know the limits to my superpower...

P.S.: Thanks Hyacie for motivating me to write. Encourages me to know that someone actually reads these…

Post P.S.: Don’t tell my wife…

*Post-Post P.S.: Gotcha! Shaktiman and Rakhiji are not white. But gimme a break…

The saga continues…

2009-07-02T15:48:00.002+05:30

I have to confess… For a long time, I haven’t wanted to be addicted to a program so much. And I really don’t know why. The princess has surprised me with her humility (Like when she comforts an eliminated candidate by saying, ‘I hope you find someone better and more beautiful than me.’) and character (Staring down a contestant who hands her a Bacardi saying sum’ like, ‘The media has portrayed me as someone who is bold, but nothing is farther from the truth.’). I had tears trying to feel her pain. But at-least, the princess will ride away with a man who truly deserves her.

And no matter who wins (or is it loses), he TRULY deserves her. Help me understand this – there are guys who have wasted precious days of their life trying to get married to Rakhi Sawant, and that one of them is actually going to do that? Unreal!

I admit that in my 31 years, I have seen some pretty interesting things. I’ve seen a Bear ride a bicycle, an Elephant riding a tricycle, six sixes being hit in an over, Deccan Chargers winning the IPL, and then some. But I never imagined I’d live to see the day that Rakhi Sawant will act shy and coy!

Episode 3 was a (brace yourself) ‘Love Letter Reading Competition’. One dude’s idea about a love letter was to ask Rakhiji to challenge her suitors to sign legal papers. EVEN Rakhiji thought that it went too far. But Rakhiji heard all of them patiently and chose two guys. One for coffee and one for dinner. .. Oh and she went on record to say, “I have never been on a date, and I don’t know what happens on a date” (watch the embedded video 5:40). And by the end of it she was smitten by a fellow from Rishikesh. She also asked a dude something to the effect, ‘Can you believe that you are sitting across a table from ME?’.Now that’s humility (again). The other guy was a total loser because he chose to miss his sister’s wedding to be on a show that will test how low you can stoop to be with a mass of botox and silicon... I think he’s already proved that.

But the highlight of the show was when she voluntarily represented ALL women in India to say that 'All Indian women are housewives'. I bet the feminazis will go on a rampage against this... Like the guy who went with her on coffee says, 'Ek saath kitni khushi dogey mujhe? Mei ek aam insaan hoon.'? (Roughly translates into 'How much happiness will you give me, all at the same time? I am only human'.) I haven't been this entertained in a while...

A fairytale begins...

2009-06-30T09:23:00.004+05:30

Rakhi Sawant’s Swayamwar!

Hosted by a sitcom star, the show takes the audience through the dreamy journey of a girl to find her one true love. There are 16 princes who are ready to face limitless eliminations to win the hand of the princess in marriage. They are ready to accept the challenge of a Swayamwar.

For the uninitiated, a Swayamwar is a ritual in which a bride chooses her husband from a group of hopefuls. Only in this case, it’s a diverse bunch ranging from a Haryanvi student to a Kashmiri police officer to an engineer from Delhi to a Canadian businessman to a Mumbaikar choreographer to what have you… And some of them even shut Rakhi up! Methinks the stage is set for the biggest reality show on Indian television. Ever!

Rakhi Sawant is considered the most obnoxious person on screen by people who haven’t seen Balkrishna in action. She changed the entertainment quotient of Indian television starting from her ‘Pardesia’ video, to her causing a riot in a police show, to single-handedly bumping up ratings for ‘Big Boss’, to publicly dumping her boyfriend on primetime. She has been there, done that.

Now, the lady wants to settle down to a ‘Happily Ever After’. So what does she do? Hold a Swayamwar! Not a good idea if you want people to change their notion that it is a publicity stunt.

This is a program I would recommend to anyone who can’t get enough of silly entertainment and for those whose taste range from bad to perverted. I switched it on out of morbid curiosity. And Man! Was I rewarded? (Best enjoyed when baked.)

The program is available on NDTV Imagine from 2100 – 2200, and is brought to you by Fem Bleach, Manforce Condoms, iPill emergency contraceptive, and the like.

I Stay...

2009-05-18T12:00:00.006+05:30

Cartoon by Ayan

Well guys, now that I’ve decided not to emigrate to the seemingly greener and safer pastures in Afghanistan or SWAT, I’m returning to my page.

Those of you following the greatest democratic mandate in the world would agree with me that before the counting began on May 16, the future seemed pretty bleak. The prospects of a third front, or possibly even a fourth front coming to power looked inevitable. Imagine the depths that a Prime Minister like Mayawati could have led us to… (shudder!) That was when I seriously thought about migration to a place that would be safer, less corrupt, and with some prospects of earning honest bucks. Like somewhere in the SWAT valley or Afghanistan...

Somebody like Mayawati (and we do not have any dearth of such politicians) could have turned this country into a UP-like state of lawlessness and apathy! (Anybody who has visited UP in the last couple of years will understand what I'm saying here.) And we would have little option , but to move to more developed centers to earn a living... Imagine a son-of-the-soil leader in Pak styled on Raj Thakeray, rallying the masses and beating up 'bloody Indians' who come to Pakistan to steal their livelihood... Trust me, we weren't far... and that's what scared the Zardari out of me!

Thankfully after the counting, things looks good, with Dr Manmohan Singh continuing as the PM. Though I am not pro-party, I want a stable government with competent leaders. With talks of people like Montek Singh, PC, Rahul Gandhi, Shashi Tharoor getting cabinet seats this time, the country looks ahead to good times. The BSE shared the optimism this morning and rocketed to about 13,500 in just 3 minutes! For the first time in its history, the BSE hit its upper circuit. Trading was halted till 11:55 and then it hit the circuit again in 10 seconds flat!

I pray that the INC capitalizes on this wave and elevate the image of politics in India from the depths it is currently in, to at-least ground level. And I wish others would learn from the mandate and do something similar. And I hope that the people of India realoze that they need to play a more active role in governance.

Freedom of expression…

2009-04-15T11:53:00.002+05:30

Freedom of expression is a concept that ranges from simple logic to complex legality. But the essence of the right is a person’s wish to speak freely. Now, as all fans of Spiderman are aware, ‘With great power comes great responsibility’ and the same goes for freedom of expression.

However, in most civilized societies (I await the results of the 2009 election before deciding where to classify India), this freedom excludes ‘Hate’ and ‘Offense’. It’s another debate as to what either of them mean… I mean, even in a simple household like mine, classics like ‘Goonda’, ‘Deshdrohi’, and the like are offensive to the missus, and movies like ‘Mamma Mia’ that makes me sick. (I bet Kamaal R Khan could own Meryl Streep and her flock of pansies any day... Bring it on!) This conflict of perception also happens when you inform the twit, whose car brushes yours, about your intentions for him and his dear ones… And when a packed crowd cheered Raj or Varun, there was a whole other crowd who s#at their pants! So, this conflict of perception is nothing new to us and we eperince it at various levels.

However, how do you react to something said under influence? Something said after you smoked(or whatever) something weird, but potent and then you are all of a sudden put on national television for comments? And you do not have time to grip facts or reality for that matter? Well I guess it would come out something like this, this, this, or this. (This guy Zaid Hamid never fails to crack me up!)

Cheers guys. I hope you too can share some more such stoner comedies… And I hope guys like him are not persecuted for their free speech or else we would lose some quality entertainment!

AWOL for 6 Weeks...

2009-04-03T13:30:00.002+05:30

Well, what do I say? The financial year ends keeping most of us on our toes and the rest of us on the sidelines watching the fun. You guessed right about which group I belong to (wink).

The world’s changed quite a bit since Feb 17, ’09 (hint: my last post), and I thought I’d put in my two bits of how it’s affecting me…

Valentines Hang-over

You would’ve guessed it… The generous contributors to the ‘pink chaddi’ campaign who were discreet enough to write down their personal address and numbers on the couriers expecting a sari, are now flooded with obscene calls from the outfit’s workers. I’m not surprised at all! Moreover Muthalik plans to sue all contributors to the campaign for defamation. His logic: It is ‘perverted’. Hmmm… I wonder what could be more perverted than beating up hapless young women… I know: wearing chaddis! According to Ravi, a passionate fan of Muthalik, underwear is not a part of Indian culture. Now that makes us all ‘Christian Westerners’ don’t it? (Please see comment under: HELL WITH THE FREE CULTURE PROTOGANISTS.... HELL WITH PUB CULTURE by Ravi on 23 Feb 2009 on the second link)

Shift Focus

The Maharashtra government is planning to shift this year’s Ganesh Pooja celebrations to Kabul. This was keeping in mind the inability to provide adequate security for the event. The authorities decided on Kabul after extensive survey of ‘low risk’ cities around the world that ended with Kabul tied with Lahore and Baghdad. The samitis have already started contacting their donors and members to start processing their travel paper-work, growing beards, stitch burquas, and the like. Keeping in mind the taliban’s sensitivity to music, the crowds will have to use personal MP3 players. Each committee will post their music on the net where the devotees can download the playlist.

Of course this ain’t true (not for 2009 at-least)! But the IPL season 2 has definitely moved to South Africa citing similar reasons…

The Other Gandhi…

The obscurity of Varun Gandhi has come to an end. Everybody knows ‘the other Gandhi’ now. As the poster boy of the right-wing, he was ‘forced’ to deliver a hate speech against the Muslims by his political opponents. Or so says his mother Maneka Gandhi. Her reasoning? It is incorrect to file a case against him. However, you would be glad to know that Varun was unrepentant. This didn’t stop the UP government from slapping the NSA on him. As the biggest reality show in India hits the road, you can expect a lot more action…

Held Hostage

I was held hostage at home today from 08:00 to 11:15 by my maid. It was traumatizing to say the least. Ron’s in Mukhteshwar with Baba and Ma and that leaves me home alone for the next few days. So, I have to wait for the maid to do her thing before I leave for work. Praveen Pandit had come over last evening and (correct me if I’m wrong, Pandit) was ready for work for the first time (ever) at 08:00. But then, we were held prisoners by the maid who decided to make an appearance at 11:00. The sweltering Mumbai heat (that’s touching 41 degrees Centigrade or 106 F) didn’t add to the experience. I tried to keep Pandit pacified with a few cups of coffee and then tea, but that din’t seem to cheer him up either. Finally we drove to work at 11:15 blasting heavy metal and that seemed to do the trick.

Well, as you’ve read, it’s been quite eventful, the past couple of months. I've also watched Mithunda's Goonda, and similar poems on celluloid thanks to Ratul. But I plan to pick up a copy of NFS Undercover sometime soon to help things along for the next few days/weeks… Which means that my fingers may be too swollen to type the next post.

So, till next time, be cool guys and keep walking!

The beggar and the queen…

2009-02-17T11:54:00.005+05:30

Cartoon by Ayan

It was no surprise actually… Like a couple of queens coming out of the closet, the Pakis and Taliban have officially announced their marriage yesterday. The wedding was paid for by the allies of the war on terror!

About 70% of money that Pak gets as aid in the ‘War on Terror’ is ‘suspiciously spent’. Like to build a house for an army general… What really irks me is the US feigning ignorance of these facts. Have they ever seen a cent of their aid money being spent on fighting extremism? The soldiers who fight the so called ‘War on Terror’ do it with sandals and bolt action rifles! Something else that's is that despite fighting enemies wielding AK56s with inferior gear, the casualties are negligible. (I am not complaining that the Paki soldiers are alive and well – soldiers are probably the only professionals who still do the duty without any grudge.) That should’ve been the first clue that these guys are sitting around in the cold, drinking ‘khaava’ and playing cards. With each other, for all you know!

And the reason for the alliance was equally obnoxious. According to the report in the International Herald Tribune, "About 3,000 Taliban militants have kept 12,000 government troops at bay and terrorized the local population with floggings and the burning of schools." ...And so we decided to forge an alliance. Bullcrap!

We have been crying hoarse about the double game that Mush was playing all the while. And once more yesterday after the happy marriage, the Pakis put in a fresh requestfor a handout! I doubt they will be denied the aid from IMF. But what I fail to understand is how come the issue of misuse of the aid was not figured out earlier? I guess it’s because the west is not familiar with the beggars in the South Asia. And now that they’ve watched a bit of Slumdog Millionaire, they are more in tune with the ‘Paki-aid-trick’.

Let’s look at the parallel - that of a beggar on the street. S/He comes to your car each day, only looking for money. You try and help her/him with food or clothes, s/he isn’t really interested. None of this money ever goes into anything that will benefit them. You give them clothes, the next day, they are there again, half-naked. The money you give in alms is spent on alcohol/narcotics and the rest goes to their bosses.

Similarly, the Pakis are not interested in aid that will benefit the war on terror. They just want money. They then buy their toys and promptly hand over a ‘cut’ to the Al-Qaedas, HUJIs, LeTs and Talibans of the world. The next day, they are back on the streets again. Stinking like a sin. And yet they succeed in raising money...

When will this menace end?

The Fiasco and after…

2009-02-12T17:44:00.002+05:30

I am probably the last blogger with his first take on the Satyam fiasco. My reason – it was surreal. And I needed to comprehend what happened, and how. And like I already mentioned, it was hard to believe.

The number 4 IT company in India admitting to financial data manipulation at the highest level despite having one of the ‘Big Four’ as its auditors, is astounding! And that too, someone with just about 3% of the stake in the company doing all this single-handedly? Farfetched. Something like this was possible in the early 20th century. But c’mon guys, this is the 21st century! It’s not as if Raju fudged the attendance records or something – this was a booker prize winning work of fiction.

If his admissions and subsequent reports are to be believed, the entire cash position was cooked up! Year after year. I find it hard to believe that no one else knew about this. I mean c’mon man, are we all to believe that he hired idiots and retards? That the innocent C-level didn’t have a clue about all this for all these years? That a firm like PWC was given the ‘Chinese 5-star factory tour’ and went back all praises? And that for all his efforts, Satyam was awarded the Golden Peacock for corporate governance? Bullcrap!

And disclosures of auditors that say that they attended meetings where the agenda was to cook books. They couldn’t understand what was going on just because the word ‘fudging’ was not used. Hmmm… let me think… get outta here! Either these guys were innocent as angels or they believe we are. And we all know we aren’t!

In my reckoning, this is just the tip of the iceberg. I think it’s just a while before the $hit hits the fan.

Ramalingaraju.com was the second most pathetic work of fiction. I refuse to believe that CEOs and Directors would want to openly declare their solidarity for RR. And that too, in grammar and language that could make the worst of Paki media persons cringe!

That the average Indian does not condone this didn’t come as a surprise to me. Like the protagonist in RGV’s Guru who bribes, cheats, and lies his way to the top, Raju too, is a hero to scores. And like ‘Gurubhai’, Raju also just wanted to do ‘bijnej’. The followers don’t give a fuk if he brings mistrust and disgrace to an industry which is already bearing the brunt of the global recession. All that matters is that they make their money. And that, my friends is the true ‘Indian Dream’!

I was almost admiring the genius of this guy when an interesting observation by Sharma Uncle, Baba’s closest friend made sense, “Yaar iss mei dimaag lagaaney ki koi zaroorat nahi hai. Aisi tuchha-panti toh chotey-motey contractor log barson se kartey aa rahe hain… Mazdoor kam lagao aur zyaada ka paisa mango.” (Translation: This didn’t require brains. This kind of third-class tactics were used by small time contractors from time immemorial… Employ less and show inflated wages.) This was no high-class fraud, this was just cheap and down-market! Sure, the scale was huge… but the scheme was pathetic. I expected better class out of the illustrious Satyam C-level, but what they’ve done wouldn’t even impress a pickpocket. The petty thief from his adjacent cell will own him anyday!

Now I wait for the day that Raju turns a politician. Well, that’s the only place he can find sympathizers. And that’s the ultimate glory that any petty criminal can hope for…

'Enhanced' thinking...

2008-12-03T17:24:00.004+05:30

But seriously awesome!

Some extremely weird narcotics are floating around in Pakistan. Researchers are trying hard to determine its origins and compositions, but agree that it is an extremely potent hallucinogen.

The research team got a ‘whiff’ of this after watching a telecast of News1 on TV1, a Paki news channel. Zaid Hamid, a security consultant and strategic defence analyst based in Pakistan appears to be the discoverer/inventor of this wonder.

I stumbled upon this dude while researching the Paki sentiment on the Mumbai attacks. I hit a goldmine! This guy can keep us entertained for ages… He has his own regular program called ‘Brass Tacks’ that discusses a wide array of issues ranging from “US Grand Strategic Objectives” to “Zionist War Against Islam” to “Pakistan Afghan Policy” to “Hindu Zionism” and “Economic Terrorism”… He is hailed as an authority on anything that rolls, sails, or flies!

Read this:
“Zaid Hamid is critical of the present government of Pakistan, declaring it as a 'CIA-sponsored' democracy. He disapproves the concept of democracy in all its totality and claims it as unIslamic. He does not support secular liberal western democracy, nor advocates fascists totalatarian secular dictatorships. His ideology of political power is based on the doctrine of Allama Iqbal, which supports the concept of spiritual democracy or benovelent dictatorship.” I mean, he's the man!

From whatever I’ve seen and heard of him, he does some serious $h!t. I mean, c’mon… this guy is suggesting things like India, alongwith Israel and US planned and executed the attacks in Mumbai. (I don’t know about US and Israel, but I know for sure that the average Indian politician can not be involved in such a scheme. He neither has the intellect nor the b@ll$. And only someone who is into some serious substance abuse can imagine the Indian political system ‘doing’ something!)

You should actually check out his views! The first time I heard it, I was enraged. But then I realized that this could be good entertainment. The guy is hilarious. I would not be surprised if I heard him say that BMC will stop digging forever. Yeah… It’s that unbelievable.

So, all you Hindus, Christians, Liberal Muslims, Jews, Buddhists, Whites, African-(country here)s, Browns, Asians, Everyone actually, better watch out! The Zaidster is here and he is higher than ever. And unless you believe in 'benovelent dictatorship' and stuff like that, he's gonna getcha!

And thanks to Manoj, here are some more links: http://in.youtube.com/watch?v=bnITvE4qA4w http://in.youtube.com/watch?v=6Sn-kV9yR6U&feature=related

Tell me what you think...

Not the same old story…

2008-11-28T12:39:00.004+05:30

Updated at 14:41 on Friday, Nov 28, '08...

On Wednesday evening, Chandu calls me to check if I’m okay and says that there has been some firing and a couple of blasts. I thank him for his concern and go to bed with “Some more blasts in town honey… Check the alarm, need to leave for work a bit early tomorrow. G’night.”

But yesterday, I realized that India will never be the same. As we saw the new face of terror - highly trained young men, motivated to kill for a perverse cause, held Mumbai to ransom for more than 40 hours…

I visited NDTV.com for some fresh news and what greeted me was, “Every now and again a player appears on the scene who will change the way the game is played.” That was the banner for RBS, but was so apt for the current situation. Comparisons to 9/11 and other similar attacks, to me, are erroneous. These are not suicide bombers itching to meet their maker. These are motivated, trained, and skilled young men who are out to kill by picking out their targets. They endure for hours on end, killing in abandon while the world watches.

I am not too optimistic about the future and this is why:

No support from the political quarter other than the vultures circling for their free bytes. The only message for them was: See, I am concerned, I love my country, I pay homage to the martyrs. If left to me, I would have been drinking their blood by now. Vote for me.

The Government still does not send out a strong message to the perps... Other than the promise to make them “pay a heavy cost”. The standard statement issued be it a pick-pocket or a terrorist. And to add to it, this is what the world has to say!

The armed forces were, obviously, not given a free hand. 16 terrorists can not hold the might of India’s armed forces. Not when the whole of Pakistan couldn’t hold them back for a few days when we kicked their asses all the way to Lahore in ’65 and after surrendering with more than a 100,000 troops in ‘71! No Way!

The Pak government is clueless at best (and conniving at worst). Despite capture of the terrorists, who claimed to be from Hyderabad while speaking in Punjabi accented Urdu – a clear indication of their origins, they still need evidence. The ex-chief if ISI, in condemning the attack, said that it was foolish if the Pak machinery was involved.

Despite a successful ‘dry-run’ of the crisis management plan, the benefit wasn’t evident. I would leave the post-mortem to the ‘experts’ and just say that I feel the need for a better, actionable, crisis management infrastructure.

My fellow countrymen preferred to go and gawk at the spectacle, causing immense inconvenience to the armed forces, rather than go to hospitals and donate blood…

The international community is apathetic at its best. Despite hard evidence, the west is still reluctant to admit Pak involvement. Musharraff jerked them off for sometime claiming to be an ally and no one knows whom the aid money actually funded…

The event received free publicity and there are probably thousands of young men and boys huddled in caves somewhere in Pakistan, wetting themselves with excitement, wishing hard that it was them, fantasizing that the next one will have them… And training for similar operations.

Our guardians fell to bullets despite wearing bullet-proof vests. When will we ever stop buying sub-par gear for the people who are willing to lay their lives down for us?

Paranoia seizes the nation as rumors of fresh firing at various places in Mumbai start spread like wildfire. Somebody’s idea of a joke has gone terribly wrong!

However, despite all this, there is still hope:
Brave men like Hemant Karkare, Ashok Kamte, Vijay Salaskar and their men, who laid their lives down for you and me. As I write, NSG commandos, MarCos, RAF, and other armed services personnel are in a fight to the finish.

We have captured their mother ship, found their boats, and apprehended terrorists in this short span. A tribute to our forces.

Stories of people who’ve shown maturity in the situation, and expressed their gratitude for the people who rescued them, rather than blame the system.

Authorities admitting intelligence failure and promising corrective action. I hope they do something at-least now.

And not the least, in contrast to point 6 above: My countrymen who wave their hands while the cameras pan, shout ‘Vande Mataram’ and ‘Bharat Mata ki Jai’ to cheer up the troops, hold a candle-light vigil for the martyrs, and such rather than be holed inside their homes.

No terrorist, no nation on earth can break the spirit of the people who live in this great country!

TheWalker returns...

2008-11-26T15:28:00.005+05:30

Laziness…
Fun Holidays...
Bigger workloads…
Moving households…

Just a few of the things that kept me away from my blog. Prats finally motivates me to write something, and I think what do I write about? So much has happened with and around me… Then I thought I’d do just that – write about what happened :)

Suckfest! Reliance metro starts digging up the road leading to work. Travel time shoots up three-fold! Then this week, BMC (Brihanmumbai Municipal Corporation) digs up some space that Reliance had left out. Why should just Reliance have all the fun?

Fantastic... Took a trip to Kerala. With both parents and in-laws, we expected counseling sessions. Well, things turned out pretty well and there are some nice pics to prove it! I’ve already uploaded a video of the famed snake-boat race that the missus shot.

Not bad… Took another trip to Calcutta. Missed Tuntun on this one, though.

Cool… Ron resigns to join me in Mumbai. A good drive from Hyderabad to Mumbai with Ron and Praveen Pandit. I drive all the way, they sleep some of the way. Reached Mumbai safely. Stay with Chandu and Ruby. The latest addition to the sweetest couples we know…

Relief! To get a society NOC in Mumbai is about as easy as Osama getting a H1 visa for US. Numerous visits to police stations, assorted government offices and finally we have a roof over our head. Chandu and Ruby are relieved!

Contemplative… Think of migrating to Somalia, become a pirate, rake in the moolah! Nobody seems to bother them. And I come to know today that the pirate ship they actually bombed turned out to be a deep sea trawler. That helps!

Good. My brother, Sanju, visits us in Mumbai. Diwali was fun. We find out the wrong way that a portion of ‘fruit cream’ at the Haji Ali juice center is for four! Never one to waste food, I polish off the leftovers. Ron doesn’t bother waking me up till the next evening.

Happy… At work, we start roll-out of the most kick-yo-butt program ever! Great client feedback, boss happy, me happy!

Worried. The great economic meltdown. Bankruptcies and bailouts… I wonder if they will bailout my band of pirates if the shipping companies stop plying the Somalian coast…

Angry. The Malegaon ‘Blast Probe’ (Isn’t that an oxymoron? Especially so if you think of probe as a noun) uncovers another far-right-fundamentalists. Don’t we have enough of that already? The future don’t look too good L

Change. Another seemingly impossible feat – Obama is the President elect for US! History in the making as a brotha’ is set to ‘change’ the United States of America.

Destressed! We take a trip to Kashid, a beautiful beach near Mumbai, for a weekend. We lost our way (despite a very confident ‘Follow Me’ from Ranjith) only to find a better route! Have fun with the guys, drink lots of beer, took in some sea, and were back at work.

Troubleshooting… Google talk is blocked by the new firewall at work. Plunges my workplace into productivity! Suddenly the only thing you can do is work… I am not affected (let’s just say that you need to keep your tech guys happy) but Anu is devastated. Sort out the issue for her while Prats rediscovers me and urges me to do something about Anu’s GTalk. We all miss Prats…

I hope to not put y’all through another of these litanies. So, I’ll try and blog regularly (or intermittently at worst). ‘RESTECP’ to all who’ve still found this page! Be good and be safe…

Craze for the Race...

2008-08-23T17:56:00.004+05:30

Ready… Start!

Two words that will get your adrenalin rushing like nothing else!

But of-course, you have to see it to believe it. The Nehru Trophy Boat Race in Alleppy (or Aalappuzha) gives you an opportunity to understand that there are still sports other than Cricket that people still flock to. And love.

Ron had been to the NTBR 2008 and shot this video. And to think of it – she was just a few feet from the starting grid of the most famous boat race in the world.

I had been to an earlier edition and I know from personal experience that the atmosphere is electric! And the race you see on the video is THE snake boat race. The snake boats (called Chundan vallam in Malayalam) can seat more than 120 rowers, who row to the synchronization of the beats of the captain.

Next time you plan to go to Kerala, ask me about the Snake Boat Races.

Who’s having a blast?

2008-07-29T16:55:00.003+05:30

The terrorists, for one, and we all know that. I was wondering who else was having a good time in the country… (For the uninitiated, I’m referring to this piece of news.)

The Excise officials?
I’ve done a lot of driving across state (and district) borders. The check-nakas or border check posts that dot the borders of states and are meant to curb transport of items for which the state has not collected tax. So, while driving out of Goa many a times, my car has been checked thoroughly for a bottle of Scotch that I could’ve hidden. But the search stops the moment you shell out some money. On an average, about 200 rupees per bottle… So, how much would the guy at the check-post have pocketed to pass these explosive-laden cars? Or did he already meet his 'target' for the day and decided not to check?

The TV News channels?
I was shocked at the number of advertisements cut-in during the reports of the blasts at Ahmedabad. The products were (probably strategically) selected to suit the target audience (Gujaratis) who were anxiously watching the program. How low will our media go? Only time will tell. In the meantime, we shall watch footages of the blast victims with a soundtrack of some b-grade movie song suggesting tragic loss! Sad? I’m not sure, but it sure as s#!t ain’t funny. But your media doesn’t give a damn! They’re already having a blast and laughing all the way to the bank.

The Intelligence community?
Well, they ‘were’ having a blast till the actual blasts took place. Now the poor guys are being blamed for whatever has happened. C’mon now! They were probably the ones who were actually gathering ‘intelligence’ about activities around them. Now does it really matter what those activities were? They can do just this much in their 10 to 5 jobs (leave home at 10, come back at 5). And the moment they are about to close-in on a lead, dang! It’s lunch-time. Or whenever they can get some verifiable intelligence, the media gets the leak and splash it on TV. Ejaz bhai will no doubt be thanking the media for helping him get away on time!

The police?
What they lack in ‘intelligence’, they make up with imagination. Like blaming Dr Talwar for his daughter’s death and creating a story around it. I really have a feeling that a section of our cops get together and smoke some 's#!t' whenever appraised of a ‘situation’. Arresting the culprit in Ahmedabad the day after the blast? Ingenious! But the unfortunate thing is that not even a jehadi is stupid enough to hang around the blast site and survey his handiwork. He’d rather be half-way across the world for all he cares.

The politicians?
Well, for sure! The NDA is cashing in on the blasts and trying to sweep the no-confidence debacle under the carpet. The Congress is frothing at the mouth swearing vengeance at the perpetrators of these ‘acts of senseless violence against innocent persons’. Other political parties have also rallied to ‘condemn’ the ‘unfortunate incidents’. It's business as usual, with the opposition too glad that something covered up the NC motion.

The blogosphere?
Oh yes! People like me who write and you who read. We’d like to know more. I was going through a similar write-up on one of my favorite blogs and I found this comment. Now the question is how many of us would’ve actually made that phone call? The more difficult question is, ‘How many of us would’ve confronted them?’ I know only a few who would, but the others would let it slide. And then discuss with shock and disgust about the state of affairs.

The corporates?
Sitting on ‘ergonomically engineered’ chairs in climate controlled offices looking at monitors with radiation protection, these guys (me included) cry hoarse at the UPA govt. revoking the POTA and other issues that are important. We cringe if the temperature in our work areas is a couple of degrees off and pat goes the call to the maintenance. Do we realize that we can demand the same level of service from the government? Like someone suggested, not pay taxes for the year if there’s been a blast in your state? Or not pay road tax if you find 10 pot-holes in your daily commute route? Guess not… Is it ‘cos you ‘re too effin lazy (like me) or because you don’t give a f$%k (like me again)?

So, it seems that all except the victims (and their kin) of the blast are actually having a blast. It’s sad, but true – We don’t give a rat’s ass for someone else’s problem. I hope I realize – and not too late – that one day it’s going to be MY problem. But till then, this cycle will continue and it will be another city, another set of innocent victims.

Say what? If you don’t leave a comment, I’ll get the message! Hehe

Disclaimer: This post was not written to hurt your sensitivities and I had no one particular in mind but myself.

The City of Joy…

2008-07-24T20:06:00.003+05:30

(Exhibit 1)

(Exhibit 2)

Well, it finally happened. My trip to Kolkota finally materialized. Two and a half eventful days, and I’m a convert.

Thanks to the clock-work efficiency of the Tatas, I got picked up from the airport and dropped at a well-maintained guest house in Salt lake. Had maach-bhaat and bhindi bhaja for dinner, which the caretaker was only too happy to serve thank to my rusty Bengali. The next morning, the adventures started with a phone call from the Kolkata office. They gave me a mobile number and a name. The number, I withhold, the name was Tuntun.

The name didn’t surprise me much since I’d already read a Bengali A-Z of sorts that claimed “G is for Good name. Every Bengali Boy will have a good name like Debashish or Deboprotim and a pet name like Shontuda, Chonti, and Dinku. While every Bengali Girl will be Paromita or Protima as well as Shampa, Champa and Buri. Basically your nickname is there to kill your good name.”

Oh, coming back to Tuntun. Tuntun was my driver designate for the day. A deadly combination of Rajpal Yadav physique and Sunny Deol demeanor. A mean motha’ with a profound dislike of any form of life and an equally profound fetish for trashy music. I was driven to Park Street listening to the likes of Vishwaatma’s “Dil le gayi teri bindiya, yaad aa gaya mujhko India” which roughly translates into ‘Your bindi has taken my heart, I remember India’. Before I could recollect a more shallow poem, I was dropped at hotel Peerless Inn.

I meet Ayan (pronounced ‘awe’ – ‘yawn’ as explained by him) and Arya, my colleagues in Kolkata. By the time we were done with meeting our client, the whole of Esplanade area is swarming with (an estimated 200,000) Trinamool Congress party workers. Now TMC (as the party is called), is headed by this lady called Mamta Bannerjee. I have never seen a more disturbed-looking politician. Ever! The poor lady never seems to be happy. Her promotional snaps always show a woman in a fit of rage. Or pointing an admonishing finger. Or plain constipated!

Anyway, Ayan had the presence of mind to tell Tuntun to wait away from the madhouse and we begin to walk. The worst part was getting 10 meters from the gate of our clients’ office through a sea of humanity hired and transported from the fringes of Kolkata (even civilization) and fortified with country liquor. Then, an hour or so later, we make a pit-stop at Nizams. I eat a much-awaited double-egg-double-mutton roll and a mutton tikiya. Ayan and Arya ordered biriyaani, which I politely decline given my unshakeable support of Hyderabad (and it’s biriyaani). We then digest them with another half-hour walk and half-hour wait and we are finally at the Kolkata office around 5 PM. I meet with Saurav ‘the Rockstar’ Chatterjee, Monami, Ishika, Shibani, Manju and the others who’d come back from Mumbai. Meet a few more of the staff at Kolkata, finish some work and crash! And did those legs hurt …

The next day was pretty uneventful work-wise. We weren’t driven by Tuntun. However, I went to meet my wife’s Pishi (Aunt) and her family. My first-hand experience of Bengali hospitality in Kolkata, and I was floored. Both my wife and my father-in-law have exalted Pishi’s cooking and I found out why. Pishi disappeared for a couple of minutes and reappeared with some Mughlai Paratha, Chicken, and Aaloo bhaja. Then came Rosogolla and Sandesh (Bengali sweets). Finally Pishaji forced me (and I thank him for that!) to have some divine mishti-doi (Sweet Curd). And that, according to her, were starters! I would’ve made her proud were it about a year ago when I was known for my ‘legendary’ appetite. But things change over time and I regretted having lunch… Pishi wasn’t too happy to see a ‘Jomai’ without an appetite. I promise to not disappoint her the next time and reluctantly say my good-byes. Then as usual, to work and then crash!

The third day, I am greeted again by Tuntun. This time, I ensure that both Ayan and Arya ‘face the music’ like I did the first day. We had a pretty long drive to Sonarpur and we were tripping on cult classics like Disco Dancer, Dance Dance, and other masterpieces of a ‘higher’ being called ‘Bappida’. On our way back, we had to ensure the doors were locked, coz we feared that Arya would jump out, but that didn’t happen and by the end of the trip, and we had another believer! I drop them at work, get driven to the airport (about 25 KM away) in 15 mins flat by Tuntun, and take the flight to Mumbai. I had a rather chatty co-passenger named Arnab (pronounced like doorknob, without the D) but his enthusiasm was no match for my sleepiness. Sorry Arnab.

Some things that this trip opened my eyes to:
There are always two sides to any Indian city. The clean side (Exhibit 1) and the other side.
Even Kolkata has bad English. (Exhibit 2)
Bengalis love to eat and to feed.
No one makes sweets like the Bengalis.
Being the jomai (son-in-law) is pretty cool!
Bengali women are pretty.
Malayalis are given ‘honorary’ Bengali status, especially the ones married to Bengalis :)

Rain, rain

2008-07-16T14:55:00.006+05:30

Image courtesy BBC

The rains… they arrived about a month ago in Mumbai. A much needed respite from the heat… And in keeping with the times, there’s bundled offers too! Traffic congestion, the flu, pot-holes, the works!

However, one thing I’ve failed to understand is, when we all know that it IS going to rain around this time of the year, why doesn’t the Municipality? Why is the garbage cleaned (from the sewers onto the streets) just before the rains? Is this something they teach the BMC, NDMC, GHMC, and all the other MC (no pun intended) hopefuls?

If you ask them: What about the monsoon? How ready are we? You will most probably hear:
What about the monsoon? (Once you explain to them the concept of water precipitating from the skies, there’s a flicker and pat comes the response) Oh rain? Who can ever be ready for the rain? It is an act of nature. The Gods decide that and we are but mere pawns in His scheme. Did we predict the earthquakes? What about the Tsunami? The volcanic eruptions, suicide bombings, dumb TV anchors… these are natural calamities. And we should know better than to question His will. You people are hard to please!

And when asked how other countries are predicting and forecasting it, (The following is quoted from this interview and is NOT fictional)
One reason is their science and technology is better. Secondly, their weather pattern, their science of weather is different. Here up to 3 o' clock, there will be no cloud but at 4 you will get a cloud and by 5 it will rain. This won't happen in the US. If it's going to rain there at 4 pm, by morning there will be clouds. Even two days prior it will be known that clouds are coming. But not so in our country.
If the Americans are asked to issue a forecast for India, they will also do badly (laughs). That's what I feel because our weather pattern is difficult. When you assess a forecast skill, don't assess the (Indian Meteorological Department) IMD's skill with the skill of the USA. It is like comparing Tendulkar with a school cricket boy. It is meaningless.
You should compare the weather forecasting capability of India with any country in the tropics, that is a reasonable comparison. I am not saying the IMD is doing the best job, but it is uneasy for me to compare the IMD skill US or UK. You can compare India to Thailand or to some extent Korea, Singapore. Among the tropical countries, we are leaders, that's what I feel.

Now, I can sleep well, safe in the knowledge that the ‘Sachin Tendulkar’ of weather forecasting is watching out for us. And I’m done cribbing! We’re at-least better than Bangladesh! Or Vietnam, or Sudan, or Somalia in forecasting the weather.

Rest In Peace, my MPX

2008-06-12T12:17:00.003+05:30

Love me tender...

My beloved companion of three years, my Motorola MPX 220 Smartphone is fighting for its life. I made a tough decision to take it off life support today.

I knew she had to be mine the moment I saw her, a successful model in the US. A love story spanning continents. She was born in the USA, and me in Gods own country. She was sleek, sophisticated, and sensitive. I was (let’s leave that aside) and let's just say opposites attract.

The day she came to my life, she changed it. It was one of the first models to feature Windows Mobile™ 5.0. The activesync feature enabled it to sync with my PC and update all my appointments and contacts. Suddenly, I she was privy to every event in my life however minor (buy sugar) or major (anniversaries, birthdays)… She accompanied me on every trip and listened in to all my conversations.

Of course there were some (major) cultural differences. Like she couldn’t use the Indian electricity sockets, or the standard mini USB cables. But love transcends all boundaries. We decided we shall never part ways till… (sniff… sniff…)

I detected the early signs of illness when one day, out of the blue, she collapsed. I revived her (restarted) and this became an almost weekly chore to reboot (oops transfuse). Her condition only deteriorated from there on… She refused to communicate with anyone other than my virtual half (my office PC) and would not sync with any other. I accepted that as a part of her illness and moved on.

Then her condition took a turn for the worse… She refused to be charged by anything other than her data cable. Then she used to collapse unless on life support (charging) and her heart (battery) became feeble. But her brain (processor) was still sharp as ever. Never did I have to wait for her to tell me her secrets (data retrieval was lightning fast). I had to carry the cable wherever I was going and if I didn’t carry the notebook along, I had to plan my route to stop at places with PCs. And life went on…

Then one day I think she felt that she was becoming a burden on my mobility. With her hooked on, she almost became a desk phone. She decided to take her own life. She refused to charge using the data cable. I tried CPR (cold boot, hot boot, what not) and finally managed to twist her charger in a way that she could charge. But this morning she stopped responding to life support as well…

I shall be putting her to rest over the weekend and even though I may buy a new phone, I know it will never be as special as her. Adieu my love, we shall meet again in gadget heaven.

Crude and rude...

2008-06-09T19:59:00.006+05:30

"Nobody fleecess you like the government, and you look to fleece the government like nobody else" - said a wise man (ahem) once.

As of today, an Indian in Mumbai pays about INR 55.88 per liter of petrol. The left parties, the only party that thinks in India, declared a bandh to protest this hike. How inventive! And why didn't anyone else think of that? Strike work and the prices come back to normal... simple, innit? But no, the big, bad government saw through their trick and refused to bring down the price. Why? This is what I'm trying to answer today.

Now, readers, please let me know if I'm going wrong. Chandu and I tried this once (incidentally when the crude price touched $100 a barrel) and were a bit embarrassed thinking we got it wrong...

For all calculations here, I am using market close data of June 6, 2008. That fateful day, the price of crude was $138.50 per barrel and the Dollar was trading for 42.89 Rupees.

On all days, 1 barrel = 31 gallons and 1 gallon = 3.7854118 liters. Therefore, 1 barrell = 117.347765 liters.

Now, on to the calculations:

1 barrel crude oil costs USD 138.50 or INR 5940.27 (138.50 * 42.89)

so, 1 liter crude oil costs INR 50.62 (5940.27 / 117.347765)

Depending on the purity of crude and the refining process used, you get anything ranging from 30% to 70%. (You get up to 70% if you use light crude and advanced catalytic or hydro or thermal cracking, alkylation, polymerization or what not.) So I'd be safe (and quick) to assume a yeild of about 50%. Which means if you buy 1 liter of crude, you get only 1/2 liter of petrol.

Thus, the 'cost' of 1 liter of pertol is INR 101.24

Now, add to this those delightful miscellanies that WE have to pay so happily each time we buy petrol (or anything for that matter) like VAT, custom for crude, custom for petrol, sales tax, octroi, education cess(!??!!) etc., and other stuff like dealer commission, transportation, and what do we have? The 'sell' price of around INR 150 per liter (this is being extremely optimistic and assuming only about a third of the duties and stuff..)

So, the government loses about INR 100 per liter of petrol sold at today's price! Well, let's put this into perspective. According to this study, in Delhi, with over 466 signalized intersections, 3,21,432 litres of Petrol is being burnt every day due to the idling of vehicles. So, the government spends INR 32 million (3.2 crore rupees) daily only on idling cars in Delhi. Another very optimistioc assumption I shall hazard here is that the whole nation consumes only 1000 times of the petrol that is 'idled' away in Delhi. That translates to a loss of about INR 32 billion (3,200 crore rupees) loss for the government in a day. And about INR 11,688 billion (11,68,800 crore rupees) a year! Whew...

Disturbing, isn't it? I sincerely hope I'm making some mistake in my calculations here... Someone please tell me I'm wrong...

Caste-ing (c)ouch!

2008-05-28T14:34:00.003+05:30

The caste system that was prevalent in the Indian society granted different privileges to a person based oh their caste. This is similar to the path-breaking proposal earlier by your truly. So, it essentially meant that if you are a low caste, you can not drink from the same well, pray in the same temple, eat certain things, what not. So, one would naturally assume that being a low caste kinda sucked, right?

WRONG! Boys and Girls, Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to the world of reservations! A new ideology where the ‘in’ thing is to be an outcast!

How? Very simple! If you belong to a particular category, you can get whatever job you want, go to whatever institution with a fraction of the effort! And yes, you can compete in the general category as well if you’re half as good. If you don’t get through, there’s the backdoor. This backdoor is called reservation.

Now that the concept is clear, I’d like to introduce you to a disturbing trend. Despite a ceiling of 50% (WTF??!!) on reservation, a state like Tamilnadu has 69% reservation. Another interesting fact is that 87% of the state’s population qualifies for it! That means that 7 out of every 10 buses that ply in Tamilnadu are driven by someone who didn’t ‘quite’ know how to drive! Scary? You bet it is!

Unfortunately, the sad part is that 13% of the population has to work twice or thrice as hard to get into the same college or job. But who cares? Even an illiterate can do the math – 87 votes is more than 13.

Seats are reserved for Schedules Castes, Scheduled Tribes, and Other Backward Castes (based chiefly on caste at birth) in varying ratio by the central government and state government. This caste is decided based on birth, and can never be changed. While a person can change his religion, and his economic status can fluctuate, the caste is permanent. In central government funded higher education institutions, 22.5% of available seats are reserved for Scheduled Caste (Dalit) and Scheduled Tribe (Adivasi) students (15% for SCs, 7.5% for STs). This reservation percentage has been raised to 49.5%, by including an additional 27% reservation for OBCs. In AIIMS 14% of seats are reserved for SCs, 8% for STs. In addition, SC/ST students with only 50% scores are eligible. This ratio is followed even in Parliament and all elections where few constituencies are earmarked for those from certain communities. For example, In Andhra Pradesh, 25% of educational institutes and government jobs for BCs, 15% for SCs, 6% for STs and 4% for Muslims. (That's 50%!)

And something very interesting is happening in Rajasthan as you read this: the Gujjar community wants to avail reservations and are fighting (and violently at that) to be called Scheduled Castes! To put that in perspective that we can identify, it’s like Amitabh Bachhan wanting to be a porn star so that his son can get a government job! Yes. It is that ridiculous!

Is there a way out? IMHO, the only way out is education. The whole “I will not send my son to school, but I want him to be a CEO” shit won’t fly… What we need is a paradigm shift. Reservation is just an excuse for being mediocre. According to the Sachar Commission, the Indian Muslim is not being provided the right education. And according to a related report, the Indian Christian has the highest literacy and the lowest employment rate. I agree with the BJP when they say that the reports have been manipulated for electoral reasons.

So, where will this end? I think the constitution should declare that all Indians are Scheduled Castes. And remove religion from the equation.

If you are still wondering why we can not co-exist peacefully, it’s because we have been divided by OUR constitution and played on this ever since by OUR leaders!

Read No Evil...

2008-05-27T15:03:00.006+05:30

Caution: Longish, severely MCPish and anti-Feminazzi post

Do we really (like really, really) need Taslima back?

Taslima Nasreen, described as “a physician, a writer, a radical feminist, human rights activist and a secular humanist” by her official website, is craving to come back to Calcutta. The literary circles and activist groups are crying hoarse about her plight. Why? For those new to the newest poster-child for freedom of speech, here’s why…

Excerpts from Wikipedia: (What would we ever be without Wikipedia…)

“Taslima Nasreen is a Bengali Bangladeshi ex-physician turned feminist author who describes herself as a secular humanist. From a modest literary profile in the late 1980s, she achieved a meteoric rise to global fame by the end of the twentieth century, for her severe criticism of Islam and of religion in general.”

“Autobiographical books of Taslima raised controversy not only because of her criticisms of Islam but also for narratives involving the private lives of people. Taslima candidly described her sexual relationship with a number of named persons. She also touched upon her relationship with her four Bangladeshi husbands. Published in 2003, Ka, her third autobiographical book, was the first to raise such issues.”

“Ka, published in Bangladesh, is a self-censored version of Dwikhonditp published in India. Dwikhonditp is said to contain critical comments on the Prophet Muhammad (according to Islamic Sharia law, criticism of Muhammad is haraam and punishable by execution, provided Sharia law is in force). The latter was also banned in India by the Calcutta High Court in the state of West Bengal on 18 November, 2004.”

Now we know why she is in exile for the last 14 years. The poor lady can not enter her own country; leave alone any country with a semblance of religion… She was unceremoniously evicted from Calcutta after fierce protests. Before that, she was assaulted during a book release in Hyderabad. She was then taken to Delhi and kept in “safe custody” fearing attempts on her life. (BTW, there is a prize on her head… In March 2007, the "All India Ittehad Millat Council" of Bareilly U.P offered 500,000 rupees for her beheading.)

All this just for being promiscuous? Or for publishing those escapades? Or, is it just because she is a raving anti-Islamist? Maybe because she criticized The Prophet? What if she wanted more money? Vanity? Fame? Attention?

We shall never know. But what we do know is that she is ‘longing’ to return to Kolkata and is wondering why the government won’t let her. She innocently asks, “Kolkata is where I had set up my home. Can't I be allowed by the West Bengal government to return to my city?” I’ll hazard a guess – The Government and the people of West Bengal don’t F#@%ing want her back. And what makes her think that India will extend her Visa? Or will we see another “Ka” about her attempts to get her Visa extended? Hmmm… Her popularity abroad is also quite evident – “In 2005, her attempt to read an anti-war poem entitled "America" to a large Bengali crowd attending the North American Bengali Conference at Madison Square Garden resulted in her being booed off the stage”

What would you do if you were in her place? How will you fight this cruel, cruel world? If you ask me, I would shut the f@#k up! I never, ever kiss and tell all. I would pray to Allah to forgive my sins and publicly apologize for my indiscretions with the pen (and whatever).

Because, my dear lady, we Indians are forgiving. But we are also sensitive people who fear God. You may have had experiences that were unfortunate. But don’t blame them on The Prophet, or The Paramatma, or The Heavenly Father. Because in India, we live by a simple code: Love your Country, honor your Gods, and respect your elders. Honestly, we don’t really care whether you believe in the same God, but we will kick your @$$ back to Bangladesh if you disrespect ours. And going by the love your people have for you, you really don’t want to go back there!

P.S.:
1) This is one post I sincerely pray my wife doesn’t read. She’s a bit left of center I’m more center of right…
2) I know you may say that I’m still being ‘analy Catholic’ (a good friend once remarked so on another issue) and a bigot… Maybe I am :(
3) Freedom of speech and slander are two entirely different things. If you call your dog my name, what stops me from naming a bitch after your mother and leave her out with street dogs and writing about it huh? I’m sorry, that’s not freedom of speech! [I am using this as an example and I do not intend to infringe on that copyright]
4) If you’ve read so far, thanks. Dude, you really have nothing better to do? *LOL*

The IPL saga...

2008-05-16T15:19:00.001+05:30

Down and out? Faaar from it!

Well, if you’ve written off the Deccan Chargers, think again? Does your team really have a confirmed berth in the Semis? Think again! We shall decide who will get to the semis. So, you want your team through? Don’t piss the Chargers off!

They say that the most dangerous man is the one who has nothing to lose. So watch out for the Deccan Chargers. In a few days, we shall be at the bottom of the points table. In true corporate style, Dr Mallaya is flogging the dead horse to get up and win. And he has managed it with some of his companies. Even in Sports, the Force India team is performing much better than what was expected. I am positive that they will land among the points this season.

Now back to IPL. I’ve heard some rumors about these matches being fixed. Pratibha sent me this link that strengthens this theory. After all, why would SRK spend money to distribute 20,000 KKR style helmets in Mumbai for the final? Prats also believes that the final will be between KKR and Mumbai Indians. Food for thought, huh?

The exit of the Australian stars, the return of Tendulkar and Shoaib, Shoaib taking 4 wickets in his maiden match, all this sounds kinda scripted to me. This, in addition to the highly unprobable event of Gilly, Afridi, Gibbs, Rohit Sharma, Styris, Venu all not performing in the same match. And also the fact that Asif sits out when he’s not bowling!

Before you rubbish my claims, compare the script elements to any Ekta Kapoor type soaps:
Family drama (Brother Vs Brother): David Vs Mike Hussey, Irfan Vs Yousuf Pathan
The patriarch: SRK/Mallaya/Ambani
The matriarch: Preity Zinta
Sex: The Cheerleaders (not in my opinion, though)
Sissy boys: The cheerboys… (yuck)
The taunts and stare downs: Sledging and more…
Return from dead: Shoaib, Tendulkar
The Slap!: Bhajji and Sree Santh
Tears: Sree Santh

I can keep going on…

Being a Deccan Chargers fan, I will try my best to fuel the rumor. I would also go on to suggest that the Jaipur blasts were planned and executed by IPL so that team Jaipur can exit without match-fixing allegations. If the intelligence wings of our law enforcement need any indication of the next blast, they need to think of a successful team without a tycoon or star backing…

Enough said for today.

Deccan Chargers Wallpapers

2008-05-12T19:35:00.008+05:30

I still keep asking myself, "How on Earth could this get so wrong?". What we have here is a team that has:

Two of the top three run getters (Sharma 296 and Gilly 308)
The batsman with the maximum sixes (Gilly 16)
Two out of five top individual scores (Symonds 117 and Gilly 109)
The highest partnership (Gily & VVS 155 not out)
and the no. two wicket taker (RP Singh 12)

And DC would have been scraping the bedrock if it wasn't for Royal Challengers' old age institution. But you know what? I still am a fan.

But when??

Thank God for Gilly!

Sixes galore with both bat and ball!

Too silent, too long :(

Somebody say the magic words and release them from the spell!

All images owned by IPL and Deccan Chargers (http://www.deccanchargers.com/)

Feeling Artsy?

2008-05-09T15:04:00.003+05:30

Image 1

Image 2

When does something cross the line from artsy to obscene? Why is a nude painting artistic, whereas half-clad cheerleading is obscene? I am referring to this article where Justice Sanjay Kishan Kaul noted that the complainants, “seem to be of the type who wouldn't go to any art gallery or have any interest in contemporary art because if they did, they would know that there are many artists who embrace nudity as part of their contemporary art."

About this time last year, we had a scandal involving Richard Gere and Shilpa Shetty. The court in Rajasthan ordered the arrest of the duo under IPC Section 294 (committing obscene act in a public place). What really happened was that Gere kissed Shetty on her cheeks. Thrice! The whole nation went up in arms against the incident. Recently, we had the cheerleader issue in the IPL. In both the above cases, the people in question had more than enough clothing to cover ‘objectionable’ areas.

Not so in MF Hussain’s case. He painted Hindu deities and Mother India in the nude. The kind of action that could get you fatwa’d. How different is he from the Dutch artist who cartooned The Prophet? At-least the cartoonist had sense to clothe and add a turban to the cartoon in question.

Oh I get it. The cartoonist hurt the religious sentiments of Muslims. Whereas, according to the ruling yesterday, MF was just being a ‘contemporary’ artist. I stand corrected. Depicting Goddesses in the nude is freedom of expression… How dumb of me!

Coming back to the Judge’s comment, I still have not understood ‘contemporary’ art. I hate modern art. I think inkblots have more character than most of the obscenely expensive stuff that looks worse than the paintings of a kindergarten kid high on LSD, let lose with a paintbrush. I fail to see art in them, and I have tried hard. Look at these few exhibits…
Exhibit 1
Exhibit 2
Exhibit 3
Exhibit 4

Hell! I can do better than that!

And just in case you were wondering, the first image is ‘Fishbowl’ by a kindergarten kid and the second by Picasso called ‘Still Life’. To me the fishbowl looks more artsy than the still life. But, then again, that’s me.

Is it too late?

2008-05-05T14:08:00.008+05:30

I had once mentioned in a column, “Nothing rattles the Americans more than pictures of naked, starving brown kids”.

This has long been an ace up the pseudo-Christian groups’ sleeve to raise money – An emotionally charged evangelist inviting the wrath of God on the sinners, interspersed with pictures of brown children. Out come the wallets and greenbacks of which the children in question don’t see a cent.

Considering the present circumstances, “Nothing rattles the Americans more than pictures of well-clothed, well-fed brown kids”.

This image is now being blamed for the food crisis in the west. If George Bush and Condoleezza Rice are to be believed, the current global food crisis is because of the changing eating habits of the Indian middle-class (and the Chinese, to an extent). And to mess it all up, there is currently a hold on food grain export from India. So, what now that food is becoming as important a commodity in the global markets as petrol? Will we see a food-fight? (No pun intended)

But one man saw it all coming. And in his humble way, he tried to make a difference (from as far as I have experienced) for about two decades. He shares his first name with that of the current US President. He is the one man I love most in the world. He’s my dad.

I haven’t written about dad in this column primarily because I can’t do him justice. Daddy is from a middle-class family that came up from modest beginnings. I have had the privilege of close interaction with him and his siblings who worked hard, dispensed their duties, and brought up their children with good morals. All they ever wanted were educated children who did their duty. Their duties to their family, society, country, and the world.

But another important life lesson that he wished that I learn was about living within their means. To save for the rainy day and to invest the extra rupee. He would’ve been a hit in politics, but he is too honest for that. He could’ve been a writer, but he was too straight-forward for his times. He could have been a lot of things, but instead, he chose to be the world’s best dad.

The earliest warning that I could recollect was his diktat that we should serve ourselves only portions that we could finish. Kochu, my younger sis, learnt this the hard way… I still remember the look on her face when he had insisted that she finish the cauliflower dish that was on her plate. Now that I try and recollect his expression, I think he wanted to say, “If you don’t finish whatever’s on your plate, you’re wasting food. Then one day, 'Someone' will fall short of food and they’ll bomb you!”.

Only if his advice was heard by all. Live within your means. As a race, we haven’t saved anything for a rainy day, invested enough for renewable sources of energy. Instead, we chose to contest elections and write to criticize.

But then, not every country can make a Dad like mine!

And one thing’s for sure – If we don’t start looking like people in the picture, we need to be scared. Very scared. I suggest it’s time we started to save a meal each day so that the ‘mighty’ don’t feel threatened enough to use their twitchy bomb-fingers on us.

Farewell JS...

2008-04-28T12:59:00.003+05:30

(This image is courtesy Viva books)

Jyotirmoy Sanyal, or JS or ‘Chicha’ as we fondly used to call him, is no more. He died after a heart attack on April 13, 2008.

I met JS while I was the training head (customer contact) for a major Indian bank. We wanted our customer service representatives to write better. Clear English India, was then a fledgling institution and we had our doubts. All those doubts cleared away during our first interaction.

I have never seen so much passion in a 20-year old. The enthusiasm he has is very contagious and in five minutes flat, I was a convert. Me and another colleague pleaded, persuaded, and premeditated the top management for a training program by JS and Ajoy. We were allowed two programs, one each in Mumbai and Hyderabad.

I usually used to spend at-least 2-3 weeks going through the program details, interviewing the facilitator at days on length before launching a new program. With JS, the next time we met was for the session in Mumbai. Over the next two days, JS changed the way we looked at writing English. The program, according to every one participant, was the best they attended. But some of them couldn’t handle JS’ firebrand enthusiasm and temper. Ajoy would step in from time-to-time but he was also not spared. A few women were offended by his language, some offended by his ‘non-veg’ jokes, but most wanted JS to come back at-least once a year. That was typical JS. You can not be a fence-sitter when it comes to your views on JS. You can either love him or hate him. I adored him.

The next program in Hyderabad was a tremendous success. He became (of-course behind his back) our ‘chicha’ – a term of endearment used for an uncle. I still remember Vidya, Abhishek, Avinash, and a few more trailing him every minute he was on premises. And for these kids with zeal, you could see the love in his eyes. His advice: ‘Write as you would speak’ still rings in my ears. And each time I sit down to write anything more than one sentence, I ask myself if JS would’ve approved.

(Unfortunately some complaints from the session in Mumbai did not go well with the senior management and the program could not take off.)

That evening, we went for a drink and my wife came along. It felt almost like family! We chatted up till late at night, and on a wide range of subjects from English to Dog-food! That was the last time I saw JS.

We were in touch regularly till about a year ago. Then the frequency of our e-mails to each other dropped to about once or twice a month. And then this morning, Ajoy’s mail with the sad news.

I write today in gratitude to JS for enriching our lives in such a short acquaintance. I can not begin to imagine his daughter’s grief. The only other time I saw the glint in his eyes was when he was talking about her. The void left by him will be huge. I pray for his family.

I also grieve for his colleagues. Especially Ajoy, to whom he was a friend, philosopher, and guide. Some others who will miss him dearly will be Janet, Abhishek, Vidya, Deepali, Joyita, Avinash, Sirisha and a whole group of us to whom he was our ‘Chicha’. Also my wife, who in the course of one evening became a huge fan.

For all those who knew him, whether they loved him or otherwise, his demise is a huge loss. Because whenever we write, we secretly ask ourselves if JS would’ve liked what we wrote. I’m asking this to myself as I write this post. Pardon me this time, JS. I can’t seem to write with a heavy heart.

Update: I chanced upon Reshma Sanyal’s (JS’ daughter) blog and a few goodbyes.
Reshma Sanyal
An angry young man called Jyoti

Enemy of the cliche

A man of style, and great substance

The Cheering goes on....

2008-04-25T19:54:00.005+05:30

I happened to chat with Pratibha on the Cheerleader issue. Prats is herself a great writer. Read her blog here.

Unlike me, she's a woman and she's Marathi. But like me, she's a true blue Hyderabadi.

I decided to post this interview 'uncut and uncensored' to bring out the Hyderabad chemistry in two friends who could easily be mistaken for siblings (apart from looks that is...)

Pratibha: Kab lere interview?
Me: Abhich?
Pratibha: Chalo… Chicha… Ishtart
Me: Sure: Do you think that there should be a ban on cheerleaders?
Pratibha: :
Pratibha: Deccan Chargers ke t-shirt ka kya hua?
Me: Kochhana answer kartey?
Pratibha: Karte bhai… pehle mere answer karte?
Me: Baingan mei mil gaya.... 1 mahina lagta kathey 'official merchandise' ku
Pratibha: Maaki… Kaun leta tab
Me: Mai next week jaarooo, kuchh settinga kartooo
Pratibha: Dekh muft main mila to leke aa :P chal pooch
Me: On record now....
Pratibha: Ok
Me: Do you think that there should be a ban on cheerleaders?
Pratibha: Ye chindi questions nakko… kuch aur hai to poocho nahi to Khuda haafiz
Me: Yeh padho ji… http://www.ndtv.com/convergence/ndtvcricket/ipl/news_story.aspx?ID=SPOEN20080047797&Keyword=news
Pratibha: Phir time piliss… Padhna padta nai
Me: Padhke bolo mereku
(long gap)
Pratibha: Please shoot. I will love this
Me: For the third time... Do you think that there should be a ban on cheerleaders?
Pratibha: No. Never. Nahi. Kabhi nahi.
Me: Could you explain your vehement stand?
Pratibha: 1. They are better than the Dhakkan, errrr I mean Deccan Chargers. At least they stay on the field the entire time. Actually this is a boring interview… Can you ask me other questions?
You've interview’d Anu and Sujata already :(
Me: ahem... I hope you realize that this interview is about the cheerleading issue and its effect on Indian men...
Pratibha: What do I care what effect it has on men! You think if you ban cheerleaders, men still won't get their share of eye candy?
Nahi to kal ko bolte porn sites bhi Indian girls ka ich dekhna… And khaas kar ke mumbai main only the unemplyed bar girls will have their own porn site!
Me: hmmm... Interesting perspective.
In your opinion, is there a path the Govt should tread to diffuse this aituation?
Pratibha: I would certainly not want to see lavani being performed at the stadium when a boundary or a six is hit.
Better still bharatnatyam for Chennai Kings , Robindra Shongeet for the Kinight Riders and so on. Full on Indian Feeling !
The Govt is actually bored of having nothing to do now… And there is no situation… Give it two days, you will also see these ministers sitting in the stands, watching the cheerleaders more than the matches
IMHO, I think the ministers are pissed off because the Mumbai Indians have not won a match as yet
Next question please
Me: Talking about the Mumbai Indians not having won yet, what is your opinion about Deccan Chargers?
Pratibha: For my opinion, please visit the LiveJournal entry http://Pratibha75.livejournal.com/151505.html
Me: Dum nakko karo ji.. ek 'Gist' de do please. Izzat ka sawaal hai.
Pratibha: :P
Dhakkan errr I mean Deccan Chargers need to drop Laxman out of the team if they want to win. Just being from Hyderabad does not qualify one to captain the team.
And the team has just disappointed a Hyderabadi (read me).. To be the only one supporting the team in midst of the Marathi manoos is a task
I gave them 3 chances
I might just have to shift the loyalty to Rajasthan Royals if this continues
But on second thoughts, I won't. Once a Hyderabadi, always a Hyderabadi.
Me: Respect!
Pratibha: Next kochhun poochte, ki khatam ho gaya?
Me: Hai ji...
Pratibha: Poocho phir chichi… Ramzan ka wait karre?
Me: So, what do you suggest as a strategy that DC needs to adopt to win the remaining 11 (or at-least 1) matches? This is other than throwing VVSL out...
(another pause)

Pratibha: Bowl first? Then they will know how many runs they need to make. It might just work…
This is well dependant on whether they win or lose the toss.
Hmmm in that case, I think Laxman anna should be out
Me: Okay... final question: How many matches, in your opinion will DC win? (11 left)
Pratibha: I'll be glad if they win one at least!
And to think I was sure that they would be one of the semi-finalists!
Pratibha: that was the sarcastic me, but being a true blue Hyderabadi, there is a tiny hope that they will win all the 11 and go to the semi-finals!
Me: Respect! I knew you would say that! People would call US hopeless romantics, but well... Hyderabad is Hyderabad!
Thanks for your time. I appreciate it.
Pratibha: Welcome.

In case you are unable to understand some of the slang, we could answer it for you in the comments section :)

In Good Cheer...

2008-04-25T14:58:00.002+05:30

Cartoon by Ayan

I was depressed this morning, but thank God I stay in India… You can never be short on amusement. I am referring to this article about the ongoing controversy regarding cheerleaders in the IPL.

Like always, I had my own opinions. Then I thought, why not include you – My readers. And It was not difficult as there are just a few of you. I tried using G-Talk for the interview. The first guest was, but of-course, Anupama Datye – the worldly wise, with an opinion on just about nothing and everything.

TheWalker: Good Afternoon Mrs Datye, and welcome to the first interview of “Keep Walking”. It is indeed a great pleasure to have you as the first guest to…
Anupama Datye: Get on with it!
Me: err.. My bad. Do you think that there should be a ban on cheerleaders? (I am not asking if cheerleading is necessary.)
Anu: These matches are just for entertainment, no one is losing in the bargain. They add glamour to the game, so let them be.
Me: Don't you feel that this shows women in poor light and "increases voyeuristic tendencies in men" as claimed by some of our politicians?
Anu: Men will be men! They could get turned on by women in bhurkha… Other politicians don't seem to have any problems... only these guys sitting Mumbai, I think they have nothing better to do in life. They will be the 1st to ogle :(
The sena is making news for all the wrong reasons.
Me: But in your opinion, do you think it is 'perverted'?
Anu: Perverted is when a man lecherously looks at women twice his age or half his age that is bad
Me: Does that mean that you will not stop your 4-year old from watching the matches?
Anu: Rubbish! What does he understand? I don’t think that there is anything scandalous happening here. And btw cheerleading is a tradition - every girl worth her penny will want to be a cheerleader (watch "bring it on")
Me: Any parting thoughts? (I better end this fast... unless I want her to come over and smack me on the head)
Anu: I don't think cheerleading that is the problem it is the mental attitude of no good politicians that needs to be changed. They cover up things like that models (Jessica Lall) murder because their sons do it (probably because they were themselves deprived by their perverted parents) and likes of Shivani Bhatnager suffers a horrible death
Me: Thanks for being a part of this interview. I appreciate your time.
Anu: LOL

Well, folks, that was Anu. The next interview was with Sujata Chakraborty, my first cube-mate at workplace. Su’s a great writer herself and she calls a spade a spade. This was going to be interesting.

TheWalker: I was about to ping you
Sujata: Tell… wassup?
Me: I need your interview for my next post on "Cheerleaders"
Sujata: ?
Me: For my blog re
Sujata: Oh ok… ask and I’ll tell
Me: Do you think that there should be a ban on cheerleaders?
Sujata: Of course not. no bans. Cheerleaders are fun. But they should be local.
Like, in Bombay matches, they should be Marathi Manoos.
In Cal, they shouold be the bong beauties
In Kerala, the Mallu babes
In Delhi, the Punjabi kudis should take over
Me: But don't you think that it will 'do harm to the morality of the already deprived Indian men and cause irrepairable damage to our society' as our politicians claim?
Sujata: The answer to you question is in it. The 'already deprived' and 'irreparable' cannot be redeemed methinks. So, let's all enjoy. And u never know. It might actually be some balm for those souls. IMHO, most of the crime in India is caused by repressed libido and unsatisfied sexual appetites. ;)
Me: Hmm... Have you read the news in Mumbai Mirror (April 25, '08) about the man who tried to commit suicide because it was the 'wrong time' for his wife on his 'suhaag-raat'? How much longer do you think before the politicians blame that he could take it no more because of the IPL Cheerleaders?
Sujata: Oh I didn't read that. But that's hilarious! Mumbai mirror rocks.
Read this: http://www.telegraphindia.com/1070809/asp/opinion/story_8167967.asp
Me: Yeah. That piece of news in the Mirror was hilarious... written in all seriousness by the usual horde of Pulitzer prize-winning Mumbai Mirror journos...
Sujata: I generally like Mumbai mirror. Keeps the crap out and does a good job of covering the city. Very tabloid.
Me: okay back to the topic on hand... Do you foresee a solution to all this?
Sujata: I don’t see it as a problem. What’s porn in England is art in France.

That summed up Su’s opinion. Crisp and to the point as always.

What will follow in the next few posts will be your opinions. I have a few lined up:
Ayan Chakraborty – My favorite cartoonist
Pratibha Pal – My friend in grief when it comes to Hyderabad and Deccan Chargers
Jayeeta Das – Legally speaking

I would love to have some of my favorite bloggers and writers to find some time for me. Like Sue of the sushi bar, Morpheus of Morpheus’ dreams, Ajeeth - My only fan, Chandu – writer of the blog I can’t access… Hyacie, Shantanu… now, that’s a list

This exercise seems to be working. I don’t need Valium anymore. But I do need a job :)

Hyderabad Blues…

2008-04-25T11:22:00.002+05:30

Deccan Chargers have disappointed again… They threw away another match in the last over. Now, they are at the bottom of the table after losing all their three matches…

I must admit here that I am not much of a cricket fan. I still feel that it’s a pseudo team game that relies on weird rules and only individual merit. That that’s another debate I would like to avoid, especially today. I think I’m getting into depression!

I have always been a huge fan of Hyderabad. The people there are warm, friendly and welcoming. They are a bit too relaxed, but that I can bear with. I met my wife there; we got married there, and now even buying a home there. I have never felt so much at home in any other part of the country or the world. So, even though I belong from Kerala, studied in Ooty (TN), worked in Delhi and Mumbai, married to a Bengali, I am a Deccan Chargers fan.

Even before the team was announced, I knew that I will always support Hyderabad. And when the team was announced, I was elated! The charging bull, the understated uniforms... Then I looked up the stars of the squad and knew that we had a winner. C’mon, look at the line-up:
Adam Gilchrist – IMHO, the best cricketer in the world,
Shahid Afridi – A top class hitter,
Andrew Symonds – Aggression personified,
Herschelle Gibbs – Reinvented top order batting for South Africa,
Chaminda Vaas – No body invokes more fear in batsmen,
Scott Styris – THE pinch-hitter,
R P Singh – A hugely talented bowler,
VVS Laxman – well…

So, I expected nothing less than dominance from this team. And, I reluctantly became a cricket fan (much to my horror – my dad could disown me if he ever found out!).

As I was chatting with a couple of friends downstairs, I just realized that I could turn suicidal if Hyderabad ever has a Soccer or F1 team… That seems a very distant possibility. For now, I think my longevity is safe. For now, I could use some Valium.

Whatever said, one thing is for sure – Even if they lose all their matches, I’ll be a Deccan Chargers fan. Forever!

All links and images courtesy the official Deccan Chargers site.

The newest circus...

2008-04-08T18:44:00.002+05:30

I love to be entertained. To be honest, I have a morbid craving for amusement… Every morning I wake up, I thank God I am born in India. I would have been bored out of my wits in any other country…

The Hogenakkal project – an innocent proposal to provide drinking water to two districts in Tamilnadu using Tamilnadu’s share of the Cauvery water. A agreement between the two states in 1998 had ensured that neither of them will object to any project that the other does with its share of water from Cauvery. So, the TN Chief Minister lays the foundation stone for the project in February ’08. Everything’s well? Far from it.

Why? The reason for this is evident – elections in Karnataka are fast approaching. And what better election propaganda than some good old regionalism? And nothing excites us more than someone singing a parochial song. Who cares about eliminating poverty? Nobody gives a rat’s ass about corruption. Only sissies talk about good things. We want divides! Indians are quick to polarize, so one issue and you can win an election. This is the only tried and tested election tune. So much for the background…

The media, quick to act in such situations, has blown it into an epidemic that promises them TRPs. The Tamil film fraternity organizes a day-long hunger strike. It is attended by Rajnikant, Kamal Hassan, Sharat Kumar, Vijaykant, Madhaven, Ajith, and many such big names. The K’taka cine stars also staged a similar protest in Bangalore, but nobody remembers who came…

Rajnikanth, Asia’s second highest paid star, criticized the instigators for making such a big hue and cry over this issue. He warned that the people will not keep quiet. The Kannadiga brigade was quick to ask for an apology. For what? Even they don’t know! But you can gauge the general state of mind from the comments section of Rediff. Scholars, philosophers, thinkers, all putting in their two bits. Do spend a minute or two extra to admire the erudite nature of the comments and the wonderful prose…

Excerpts:
“Though the Devaki given birth to Lord Krishna he was fully owned to Yasodha, as same case Rajnikanth thougth he was was born in Karnataka he raised his in Tamil Nadu”

“it is u kannadigas who r the arrogant lot. Refusing to cooperate with u r fellow indians and having a dispute with all u rneighbours. In the north u have stolen belgaum from maharashtra, u dont allow krishna water into andhra, In south u r fighting with kerala for kasargod,usurped coorg which is not urs at all, now u want h ognekal.”

“We dont need ur explainations poge is tulu word which is also karnataka language and this has been copied to tamil so taminadu is ours....get lost with ur logic”

Disclaimer: I have not altered even a character in the above excerpts. All rights belong to Rediff.

(The beauty of these comments are that they hide more than they reveal, like in thr first comment, "raising his in Tamilnadu" I need to know now... Raising his WHAT??!! Tell me please...)

The part two of this circus started in Mumbai with a newspaper taking pot-shots at Amitabh Bachchan for not being like Rajnikanth! But I’ll leave that issue for some other time. Currently, I am enjoying the South Indian angle and am addicted to the comments on Rediff.

Tibet? You bet!

2008-04-07T16:20:00.004+05:30

Cartoon by Ayan Chakraborty (You'll find his link on the right)

The solidarity for Tibet – the ‘in’ thing this summer. Everyone is crying hoarse at the plight of the ‘poor Tibetans’. And what are they doing? Stopping the Olympic torch! As if putting out the Olympic flame will magically restore Tibet as a free region…

Do not for a moment think that I am siding with China on the Tibet issue. Far from it… And I am not even a CPI activist, who are quick to switch their loyalties from India to China as we have seen in the past. I don’t blame them… after all; they need to justify the funding they receive.

I am puzzled at Indians jumping into this juggernaut. Don’t we have enough issues at home to handle? Let me give you some:
- The plight of ‘North’ Indians in Maharashtra.
- The Hogenakkal issue.
- Staying the death sentence of the ’93 blasts accused.
- Sanjay Leela Bhansali making a new movie.

And what’s this talk about boycotting the Olympics? Our boycotting the Olympics would make a difference other than to the occupancy at the Olympic village. We send about twice (nearly thrice) the number of officials compared to athletes. A better plan would be to force China into bankruptcy by winning all the Gold, Silver , and Bronze in the nation. Evan that seems far-fetched looking at past performances… In 2004, we were 65th among 74 countries that finally got medals. The only time you get to hear about countries like Belarus and Lithuania are when they are placed above (much above) India in the medals tally. And those calling for a boycott sound as if the Chinese are sweating bullets over the prospect of India pulling out.

You need to clean your house before telling your neighbor to be tidy. So, for now, the Tibetans have my empathy and a silent prayer. I do empathize with Tibetans. It is wrong for a country to displace ethnic groups and undermine their rights. But isn’t that the same with Kashmiri Pundits? And how many of our ‘celebrities’ endorse the Kashmiris and their plight?

“Kashmir? Its so passe’ dahlin… Tibet is hot this summer!”

But for me, until the Kashmiris are given justice and an Indian has equal rights all over India, the Tibet issue will not give me sleepless nights.

Masti ki paathsaala…

2008-03-17T16:35:00.002+05:30

I used to think that kids these days aren’t having as much fun as we did… We had more space, ‘real’ playgrounds, friends, trees and stuff. I used to think that we are witnessing a new generation of kids whose hands need to be held at every step, who require guidance at every stage, who are on cellular leashes.

I used to think that the dictum of ‘Mata, Pita, Guru, Daivam’ [which, in Sanskrit is the hierarchy of divinity (meaning Mother, Father, Teacher, God)] still holds true.

I used to think wrong! Go through the links below and tell me what YOU think…

Hilarious one here
L for lawyer!
Art for beginners
Eddie Griffin’s thoughts

And till I read Eddie Griffin’s blog, I’d never of concepts like Dropout Prevention sessions, ODD (Oppositional Disruptive Disorder) and stuff like that!

Can you tell me where we’re headed?

*Picture courtesy Salon.com*

The search continues…

2008-03-04T14:26:00.000+05:30

I started writing this as a reply to Sue’s comment to allow Female Gods in ‘our’ outfit. Got too long and I thought I might as well post it. Let me start by setting the context right here…

The search for a new, parochial, God-figure started in response to violence in many parts of the country against people from ‘other’ regions. These people who want total rights over ‘their’ land come from a certain school of political thought – I, Me, and Myself. So, please keep that in mind.

I’ve been consulting for some time now, and the one thing that I’ve learnt is that unless your solution, product, or service meets the end user requirements, it is a disaster. However, the end user doesn’t have control over what is bought. A salesman sells a product to the CXOs, CFOs, COOs of the world, who in all probability do not use the solution in the first place. That puts your brand image at stake, because the users start complaining after a while… Therefore a good solution, in addition to making ‘business sense’ to the top bosses (read massaging their ego), should also be appealing to the masses. That is consulting!

I shall examine the situation for you. This, of-course, should have been a PowerPoint presentation, but no one’s interested in seeing them (what’s new?). So I give you the gist of it here.

Management
Vision (Propaganda)
Revenues (Party Collections)
Investor Relations (Vote Bank)
Shareholder Value (Advantages for the rank and file)
Market Share (Actual number of seats)

End User
Ease (Will I ‘have’ to work?)
Appeal (How will I be identified as a part of this outfit?)
Productivity gain (How many people out of 10 will (or can be forced to) contribute?)
Earnings (And how much can I siphon off?)
Growth (How fast can I move to the next level? Is there another ‘group’ we can target?)

An altruistic solution WILL NOT help. No one’s buying that and we’re not here for charity. A leftist approach too, is out of the question. The top bosses do not (secretly) endorse the concept of equality. We are, therefore left with a concept of a right-winged outfit that deludes you into believing that it is participative. The righter, the better.

Now that we have identified the target audiences, we need to offer a solution. So, put on your thinking caps and give me options. If you think they are a bit long, e-mail them to me. I’ll compile them for another post and shall acknowledge your contribution. Who knows? You may even qualify for the top job if you can spew enough venom! And I am open to Gods, Goddesses and beyond.

And remember – Right is right.

Looking for a new God…

2008-02-28T12:31:00.005+05:30

Activists in some parts of the country are on the lookout for new Gods that have origins in their region. Our constitution gives us the right to freedom of religion, and the freedom to choose our own Gods to worship. So, why worship a God who is proven to be a ‘North Indian’? Lord Krishna is from Mathura (UP), Lord Rama is from Ayodhya (again UP)… When will the ‘Bhaiyyas’ stop trying to impose their culture on us? When they migrate to other states, why don’t they worship err… Lord… err… umm… See that's the problem (whatever it is).

Lord Shiva, Lord Ganesh, and Goddess Parvati are from Mount Kailash (China)… Oh! These Chinese I tell you… Always looking for ways to belittle India.

Jesus Christ is from Israel! Prophet Mohammed is from the UAE, Lord Buddha is from Nepal. So whom do 'we' turn to? Who will fight for 'our' region?

What we need is local culture to flourish and triumph. And for that we need local Gods. Gods like… ahem… well, we’ll figure that out later. After we figure out what our culture stands for. In the meantime, let’s start beating up all priests and devotees who throng to the temples of these ‘outsider’ Gods and send them back to where 'they' came from.

We shall then focus our efforts to seek a new God who is universal in appeal, but local in origin. A God that epitomizes ‘our’ culture. Using whose name we will create a new order. An order that demands that you can live here only if your ancestors had settled here (1000? Oops… 500? Umm… 100? Well…) X years ago. We shall communicate the value of X at a later date.

In the meantime, if you have suggestions for Gods that belong to ‘Our’ community, please send them across to me. Here’s a list of criteria that should match:
Should be male (that’s our culture)
Should be married (A cool God ought to have a consort...)
Should have delusions of adequacy (I am the best and stuff...)
Should have a plan for a ‘New World Order’ ('Our' world order)
Should be willing to wear a robe (A definite must!)
Should be willing to talk on length about nothing at all (about anything)
Should be able to create controversies (Publicity is important too)
Should have long, luxuriant hair (Image, people... Image)

Wait a sec! That’s got me all over it! Well, except for the last bit, but I can wear a wig or do something about it! So, what say folks? Shri Walkeshwar (for Maharashtra), Sriniwalker (for Andhra), Walkeran (for Kerala)… I’m ready, check me out! Meanwhile, you keep beating up outsiders…

P.S: Please forgive me for the quality of the image... But that's how I look :) And I didn't have time (or the know-how) to use anything other than 'Paint' :(

Of friends and good times…

2008-02-20T11:54:00.004+05:30

Last evening was probably the best I’ve ever had in Mumbai. Even counting the Iron Maiden show! It was a time for friends and family – the good, fun variety.

I met Jibu ‘Dicky’ Jose after a good four years. Jibu and I studied from 1st to 5th together and then we met again in college. We were roommates for a good while and used to stay with Vipin in one room. Ajeet and Chandu were good neighbors. But Jibu, somehow was very special. I have this dastardly habit of getting a bit emotional when I’m wasted, and Jibu used to be the one who had mostly borne the brunt of it.

(And Jibu again because I’m pretty fond of his family too. His Mom is an absolute sweetheart and more importantly, an awesome cook. I used to be a bit scared of his Dad, but That was a long time ago. Jitu Bhaiyya, his eldest brother is like a friend to most of our batch mates. He is now blessed with a beautiful daughter – Jamie, who turned 5 yesterday and a naughty son – Joel. Jinu, the elder one, used to study in the same town as we did. Jinu was a bit more formal, so not many stories floated around about him.)

So last evening, in addition to Jibu, his beautiful wife Minal, Jitu, Bhaabi, and the kids, there was Jibu’s cousin Shiny with her family. The only other time I’d met Shiny and her sister Sheeba was 10 years ago! But we greeted each other like long-lost siblings :) (And what memory, especially Sheeba for recognizing my voice!). We were later joined by Minal’s family. So, that’s how it began – as a small family get-together. I met Shiny’s dashing husband for the first time too, and we hit it off quite well… We went on till late in the night, trading stories about school, college, and the good ol’ times in general. And before we knew it we had to wind up :( Jibu breathed a sigh of relief that he was spared the usual sentimental outbursts.

I don’t know why, but I feel really nice today. Like the way I feel after meeting my sisters… I guess that’s what friends really are – an extension of your family. And I am lucky to be treated by their families as their own too. I feel great! And I feel blessed.

So, this is a thanksgiving note to God for my friends (Too many here to name) and their Moms. Jibu’s Mom, Ajeet’s Mom, Bindu’s Mom, Rohit’s Mom – are my favorites. And the joy of seeing your former roomies and homies happily married to great people is unbeatable. Probably it’s His way of telling me that He still cares for the people that matter to me and me…

Say what?

P.S.: The pic here is about a year old. I’ll ask Jibu to send me a new one…

It’s back!

2008-02-13T12:41:00.006+05:30

Another year has passed. With loads of excitement in store… People are already preparing for the big day and I can sense it all around me. The news about the unique way in which we celebrate this great day has reached the world. I’m saddened that tourists are not making a beeline to India to watch us celebrate!

Scouting for spots where couples tryst has already started. Stores selling related merchandise have been identified. Banners, effigies, stones, rotten tomatoes, mulatto cocktails, swords, and other miscellanies have been stocked.

Yes… Valentines day is just around the corner!

Unlike the rest of the world, we celebrate the V-day with V for venom. As an Indian, I vehemently oppose the concept of Valentines Day. It is against our culture. It corrupts our new generation. And I am not alone. With me are myriad political parties, student unions, and social activism groups. Our cadres have infiltrated into the varied strata of society and are sniffing out events, parties, activities that the supporters of this satanic feast are organizing.

I say it is a conspiracy of the imperialists to corrupt our culture. We have never heard of people falling in love. Never has it happened in our great nation. The Taj Mahal – a man’s greatest erection for a woman – is only an exception to this. And what is all this hype about buying diamonds, chocolates and cards? Have you ever heard of any Indian in our glorious past dothis?

You may ask why I am so bitter. The answer is – I will be away from the one I love this V-day. And with me are people who have failed in love, who never have (the courage to) express their love, senior citizens who are envious that this never happened in their age and time. If We can't enjoy this day, why should we let anyone else? And we are joined by self-righteous propagators of the ‘Indian Culture’ who have to do this just to get elected and people who abhor spending money on their loved ones.

So I ask you – Have you ever failed in love? Do women avoid you like the plague? Do you secretly envy couples that fall in love? Do you think it is against your religion (or your interpretation of it)? If yes, come join me in this fight to save our culture (that’s the in-thing and that's what we'll call it). We shall pelt stones and tomatoes at shops, scare away couples, and burn effigies (of whom? The media shall decide that). But caution – Let’s stay away from the bigger organizations like star hotels, TV channels, etc. ‘cos they have security and may retaliate. Let’s just stick to the defenseless people, as they are the ones who need to be taught our culture.

I am including links to present and past activities of our clans that have recieved acclaim from the media.

Exhibit 1 - International acclaim
Exhibit 2 – Regional support
Exhibit 3 – Blast from the past
Exhibit 4 – Sisters in arms

So, what say? Meet at 4 PM tomorrow outside 'Archies Gallery' with our stockpiles? We should be joined by bored MNS and BSP activists whose leaders have been arrested too! Political mileage for this noble cause? Wow! Nothing like it :)

P.S.: Pic courtesy Times of India

Added on Feb 18, 2008:

Oops! I did go to Hyderabad to be with my Valentine afterall... So, please dismiss this post as a load of bullcrap!

My India, my media…

2008-02-12T18:07:00.001+05:30

I suffer from a rare disorder… A need for constant amusement! And nothing satiates this more than our mainstream media.

At a time when UP and Bhiari bhaiyyas were being beaten up in Mumbai, I surfed some news channels to see what was up and well, there was an unexpected breaking news! Sanjay Dutt was spotted in Goa with Maanyata. Hmmm… (Change channels) “Kareena Kapoor was seen sporting a new ring” Well… (Change Channels) “Govinda unapologetic about his slapping incident” I had it! What is with our media? And their fixation with Bollywood?

But the one that takes the cake is: “Amitabh Bachan ko thand lagi” meaning, “Amitabh Bachan felt cold”!

(Someone at work clicked this pic and thanks to Ayan for sending it to me. BTW, Ayan is a gifted cartoonist himself.)

Is it a lack of stories or are Indians only bothered about the stars and starlets of Bollywood? What about the people? What about issues that need public opinion and support?

I would like our channels to cover this story (or something like it) for once.

But I doubt that it will serve the purpose of amusement that discerning connoisseurs (like me) would appreciate.

However, I will not be surprised if this one gets covered. (I loved this one too by the way... Especially the defense that "All the time I worked for the airline, my moustache attracted many adoring eyes inside the plane and on the ground." Way to go buddy!

P.S.: If you own the copyright to the pic, please let me know so that I can acknowledge you.

Diversity...

2008-02-11T16:43:00.000+05:30

"The art of thinking independently together" - Malcolm Forbes

Diversity is now a commonly used synonym for multiculturalism. This concept talks of an inclusive society (or workplace) where people from varied ethnicities and beliefs live in harmony.

In my dealings with numerous organizations based out of the US, one thing that has caught my attention is the huge number of posters claiming the organization’s diverse workforce. Couple of times, I had to attend a ‘diversity workshop’ as a mandate before dealing with them. However, as an Indian, I strongly believed that I should be excused from another such workshop. My passport is proof of my tolerance.

India has more than 150 languages! And that’s not talking about dialects… And She has more than 10 different religions (again not counting sub-denominations). Never, ever have I worked in an organization or lived in a locality that didn’t have at-least three different religions and about 10 different languages. I am a Catholic from Kerala, brought up around the country. My wife is a Bengali from Benaras, brought up in Delhi. More often than not, my best friends were neither Catholics nor Malayalis. Ditto for my wife, my sisters, our parents. So, why is it that someone in my country refuses to let another work in his/her city?

Found an interesting piece of news here. It says that the US should learn diversity from India.

Is it enough to be content that: “In only 60 years and with 14 Prime Ministers, India has already elected a staggering variety of chief executives - from a Kashmiri Pandit to a Punjabi Sikh, India has seen a UP Thakur and Jat, an Andhra Brahmin, a Punjabi Khatri, a Karnataka Gowda, and a half-Parsi, half-Brahmin pilot, among others at the helm.”

Well, that article says a lot about our political diversity. But please understand that these leaders were made by politicians and not by the people. Did I ever want a V P Singh or a Deve Gowda to be my PM? Hell no! And at the same time, we have people in Assam, Mumbai, and other parts wanting ‘outsiders’ to go back! The state machinery waited a full 10 days before filing an FIR in Mumbai. And it is anyone’s guess as to the outcome of that. I am led to think that diversity in India is more of an accident than a choice!

MY constitution gives me the right to live in ANY part of MY country. No man/woman or political party has the right to question that. I was not a cynic, but some of my perverted fellow countrymen are succeeding in making me one.

But there is one thing that I will take with me to my grave. And that is my identity as an Indian. An Indian who doesn’t just believe in diversity, but has lived his entire life in it.

A brave new world...

2008-02-07T18:52:00.000+05:30

The Indian government has taken a huge step today. The legal age for marriage has been lowered to 18 years! And the age for sexual consent for girls has been increased to 16 years…

Regular readers of this blog will be aware that we had earlier proposed a minimum IQ level for men/women (oops… boys and girls now) to qualify for marriage. That either did not catch the eye of anyone in the panel or they would themselves score less than 80?

Being the socially active blog that this is, here are my two bits for the lawmakers to decide whom to let marry. (Considering the (mental) age of the audience, I would suggest a questionnaire with multiple choices.) This questionnaire is for boys (got it right this time) only.

Name:
Age:

1) Why do you want to get married?
a. To be a better man (like Sohail Khan in Aryan)
b. I am in love (Like all my heroes)
c. I am exercising my right to marry.
d. She wants to.

2) Whom do you want to marry?
a. My classmate.
b. My neighbor.
c. Hmmm…
d. Her.

3) Do you know her complete name? (Click here if it is a he.)
a. I call her Jaanu. That is enough for me.
b. I know her nickname.
c. Hmmm…
d. I’ll ask her.

4) Is the girl willing to marry you?
a. Is that necessary?
b. I have to ask her…
c. If no, what are my options?
d. That’s what she said.

5) Do your parents know about this?
a. I’ll surprise them!
b. They said no and that’s why I’m here.
c. They will never come to know (hee hee)
d. Whatever she says.

6) What do you do for a living?
a. Attend college
b. Social commentator (a politically correct name for a roadside romeo)
c. Eh?
d. Whatever she asks me to.

7) Would you be willing to work?
a. Why?
b. Work?
c. Hmmm…
d. If she is okay with it.

8) Do you plan to have children?
a. Yes.
b. How?
c. Why do you think I’m here?
d. I’ll have to ask her

9) Will you consider family planning?
a. I am planning a family already…
b. I am planning to tell my family…
c. Eh?
d. I’ll ask her what it means.

10) Have you heard of ‘contraceptives’? (I wish your parents had!)
a. 5 years ago!
b. Used it too.
c. Eh?
d. She will know.

No matter what the candidate answers, he still has the right to marry. That is the beauty of our great land! A land where juveniles have a license to marry and procreate. A future filled with jobless fathers and clueless mothers. An initiative to beat China at-least in population by 2015?

Or is it just another cruel joke that our lawmakers are playing on us? Well, it’s business as usual then!

It happens only in India…

2008-02-05T18:58:00.000+05:30

Play in India if you must. But you have to let our side win!

That seems to be the motto of local political parties. Poor migrant laborers were beaten up and their cabs/stalls/autos destroyed in Mumbai. Ditto in Assam. And someplace else.

Not one leader of stature has come forth to protest this. NOT ONE!

Poor old Amitabh Bachhan gets pulled in; the Bollywood fraternity is in an outrage! Not one star talked about the plight of the poor workers who flock to Bombay to seek a hand-to-mouth existence.

We would have had rallies and demonstrations if they had treated street dogs like the way they treated their fellow countrymen. Giving a voice to the animals is cool. Not cool to express solidarity for fellow humans, poor ones at that!

So, all of you need to shut the f*** up when you talk about the plight of Indians in Malaysia, UAE, or anywhere else. If we are not respected in our home, nobody will give a s#it! Do you?

Macho man on a plane…

2008-01-28T12:48:00.000+05:30

This morning, I woke up at 0300 to catch a 0500 red-eye to Bombay again. The city of dreams, good for many, bad for me… Anyways, I was not in the best of cheer, and was standing in line to get my bag screened, when, out of the blue, a guy jumps the queue puts his bag on the belt. The poor attendant tried to tell him to go back in line and he said, “Do you not know me? I fly from here everyday! I am in a hurry… blah blah…” Now, this guy’s bag, for some odd reason got called and by the time I got through with the screening, he was stuffing his ‘daily flight gear’ of ‘Rupa’ briefs, ‘ganjis’ and a ‘gamcha’ back into his bag.

(Tip: always pack your ‘personal’ garments in a shopping bag and place it at the bottom of your travel bag. Anything that you think that may make the security curious, like computer hardware, battery operated devices, etc., should be on top.)

Anyways, I saw him again jumping the queue where I was waiting to check-in. The executive asked him to go back in the line, he created a fuss saying that he will bring the airline to its knees and out of business, and that no one had a problem. To save the poor executive I called out, “Sir, I have a problem.” The others in the queue joined in and he went to the next queue, but only after trying to fix me with a stare… He had his way there and he gave all of us ‘lesser’ ones a cocky smile and left.

The next thing I know is that he is sitting right in front of me – Seat 15F (Which incidentally on a Boeing 737-800 is at the emergency exit without a reclining seat). He tried to brush the flight purser away by telling him the now common “I travel daily and I usually sit here” reel. But rules are rules and he had to endure the 30-sec odd procedure. After sometime, he rings for assistance and complains loudly about his seat being spoilt and not reclining. The passengers almost applauded the purser when he told him, “Sir, this is your usual seat and it does not recline.” What happened next was unbelievable, he threatened to file a complaint with Air Traffic Control* (of all authorities) about the uncomfortable seats. He even went to the extent of asking the passengers to sign a complaint that he would draft. No response. So, he starts name-dropping on his cell-phone all through the safety announcements and the taxiing. The pursers tried more than once to persuade him to disconnect and switch off. They even told him that they would not take-off until his phone is switched off. Finally a gentleman sitting in my row on the aisle, got up, pulled Mr BigShot up from his seat, slapped him and threw his phone on the floor! (I thought that the gentleman could be an Air Warden.)

The pursers scuttled to pick up the pieces, and Mr BigShot was stunned. Then the Air Warden(I’m sure he was one since the pursers did not raise any objection when he) took the pieces and told him to collect it when the plane landed. Enough entertainment, I dozed off, through the take-off, cruise and landing. (I’ll talk about that gift another time.) I see a glimpse of Mr BigShot pushing through the aisle to get out. As luck would have it, he was on the same bus as I and again pushed through to exit… He rushed to the baggage claim fidgeting for about 10 minutes till the bags started coming in. Mine was probably the 4th bag; I walked out and had my first caffeine and nicotine fix for the day in leisure. Since I stay pretty close to the airport, I walk out to get a ride. It seems unfair to engage a guy standing there for hours for about 40 Rupees. As I walk past the pre-paid rickshaw stand, there’s our man fighting with the driver and the constable. I didn’t wait to find out why…

I often wonder why people make fools of themselves to get noticed or feel important. Well… outside of college groups and boy’s nights… but I fail to understand that otherwise. Or is it the influence of the likes of Sunny Deol that makes them believe that louder is manlier? I’m sure all of us have had enough and more of such experiences. Unfortunately, these kinds still walk among us.

* Air Traffic Control reminded me of the cabbie who dropped me to the airport this morning. He asked me how much I paid for the fare to Mumbai. I told him Rupees about 500 for the ticket and about 2000 for taxes. He was not surprised. He said in unadulterated Hyderabadi. “Compulsory lete saab. Humaare company ku aur mereku road pe chalaane ku itta dena padra… Flight waaley khaamush baithtey? Aajkal issi mei loot hain.” (Translation: They will definitely take (extra money). My company and I have to pay this much just to drive on the roads… Will the air authorities keep quiet? These days, this is what brings in the moolah.” Qaderbhai – kudos for summing up an issue we have all been wondering about all these years…

(BTW, did you guys notice the title kinda rhymed? Latent talent, I guess)

(And again… Latent Talent is an anagram… How much better am I going to get! Getting better with age? Hmmm…)

Weekends and a week :)

2008-01-18T20:45:00.000+05:30

Hey readers! I'm off home this weekend and will be with my family the whole of next week! It seems weird that somehow I don't find time to blog when I'm home... I had a month-long break in December too, when I was home and not a single post!

Now, don't get me wrong here, It's not what you think... It's just that it's so much easier for me to switch off when I'm here in Mumbai. Back home, I always have something or the other on my mind. And I have my favorite place to sit by the window and then, sloth overwhelms me. Moreover, when I'm home, I'd rather be good and save the missus some trouble and do some cooking, right? Wrong! She is mortified of the idea that I might be cooking at home. The kitchen, in her own words, "Looks like a war-zone"!

But This time, I have a few tricks up my sleeve, thanks to EuphoRHEA (You'll find the link to her blog on the right). So, even if it means I cook for 10 mins and clean for an hour, I'm 'all in'.

This time, I'll try and see if I can update you on my culinary skills. I'm keeping my fingers crossed!

BTW, someone please tell Chandu that I'm bad-mouthing him because he's not reading my blogs anymore. I just have 2 regular readers ;) and without him, I'm cut down to 50%...

Here without you baby...

2008-01-14T17:35:00.000+05:30

It's so wierd innit? Sometimes you listen to a song and think that the singer felt exactly what you are feeling!

Here's this one by 3 Doors Down that I was listening to:

Here without you...

A hundred days had made me oldersince the last time that I’ve saw your pretty face
A thousand lights had made me colder and I don’t think I can look at this the same
But all the miles had separateThey disappear now when I’m dreaming of your face

CHORUS:
I’m here without you babybut your still on my lonely mind
I think about you babyand I dream about you all the time
I’m here without you baby but your still with me in my dreams
And tonight it’s only you and me

The miles just keep rollin as the people either way to say hello
I’ve heard this life is overrated but I hope that it gets better as we go

[ CHORUS ]

Everything I know,and anywhere I go it gets hard but it won’t take away my love
And when the last one falls, when it’s all said and done it get hard but it won’t take away my love

[ CHORUS ]

About the song:
Artist: 3 Doors Down
Album: Away from the Sun (2002)

A walk on the other side…

2008-01-14T15:37:00.000+05:30

I turned 30 on January 12. I thought it would be a monumental event in my life, not quite. But I still wonder – What is the big deal of having 30 candles on your cake?

(A good thing about turning 30 is that people start buying your philosophical bullcrap! Your musings are considered ‘mature’ opinions. And the worst – people consider you a man of years… Be cautioned if you want to read on.)

To be honest, I have not seed 30 candles on my cake… There was no cake at all :p But I will still consider myself a 30-year old. And do I feel any different? Hell no! I still love the same kind of music, I would still watch the same kind of movies, and I still care about the same people… So what is the big deal? I say – It is the wisdom!

Factually, I am 100% wise (proof – I have all four of my wisdom teeth). There are some who claim otherwise. But since this is MY blog and added to that I am writing about MY birthday, I will not entertain that group!

Coming back to MY wisdom of 30 years – Your only assets is life are the love of your dear ones! In the darkest of your days, they will shine on you and comfort you.

My neighbor from my hostel days – ABC (no, he doesn’t wish to be anonymous… that’s his name – A B Chandrasekhar) and his wife, Ruby Chandrasekhar, took me to my favorite hang-out and bought me drinks! I was flooded with calls from my friends after the dreaded hour, and that too, cheered me up :) I would’ve loved if I was with my wife, but well, you can’t always control things.

Then on the big day, I met my niece, sister, and brother-in-law. Later some of my old college buddies – Vishal and Prakash were in town, and along with Sony, Nitin, Maninder, Chandu, and his wife we spent some quality time reminiscing about the ‘good old days’ and narrating some of my much sought-after PJs. 500 miles away, my wife was comforted by friends. They were enjoying a live band and though she wished to be with me, there was good company at hand. (But nothing could compare with my PJs, right honey :) ?)

This in addition to my family, with their unconditional love.

So, boys and girls, keep your family and friends close. Because, like I realized when I matured, on your birthday, don’t count the candles, but your loved ones.

P.S.: The average life expectancy for an Indian Male is ~64 years. So, only those of you who want to shorten your's can call me middle aged... humph!

Nano Car… Giga dreams…

2008-01-11T14:13:00.000+05:30

Yesterday was a historic day for India. We did what the rest of India and the world tagged as ‘Impossible’. We launched a production car that would cost just USD 2,500 or GBP 1,250!

It was all over the news channels. Most of them were rightfully optimistic about it. Sahara Samay, between about 9 and 10 pm, started a debate on whether we actually need this car… A reporter was also sent to Singur (where the Nano will be manufactured), to seek inputs of the locals there. They also showed footage of protestors burning effigies of a car (that looked more like a bus) to express their opinions. Sunita Narayan was spewing venom enough to burn out the entire ozone layer. And many more reactions – some negative, but an overwhelmingly large number were unable to express their pride and joy in this achievement. I am a part of that majority, and I would like to look at some points put forward by the other side.

“It will lead to congestion.”
No doubt about that one! The already choked roads will have to accommodate more cars. That’s the point – We will have to gear up infrastructure to accommodate them. In the same vein, if there were a lack of jobs, do we stop education? No! We create more jobs, right?

“The environment will take a beating.”
Well, the Nano has lower emissions than most two wheelers. So, this argument is incredulous!

“People should use public transport.”
I agree. I would too, myself if the person who says it (Sunita Narayan) shows me how to do it. I bet she would not have stepped into a blue-line in Delhi and come out happy.

“The diesel version will be the last straw.”
Hmm… From whatever research I have read on the topic, diesel is far less harmful than petrol when it comes to harmful emissions. There is a higher percentage of particulate matter, which is nothing more than carbon.

“The farmers will be displaced.”
The farmers who came on to Sahara Samay last night claimed that they used to earn upto INR 70 per day working the fields of Singur. If they are willing to learn a new skill, I am sure they will be able to earn double that. And look at what the plant will do to the future of their children… Better quality education, exposure to a new trade, the hope for a better future…

“We do not trust Tata Motors.”
Whom do you trust then? I hope they realize that they are talking about a company that reinvests 67% of its profits back into the society. That this company is leaps and bounds ahead, in ethics, of the number two company in India. That this company has given India its many firsts – Airlines, Internet, Locomotives, Steel, and the list is endless.

So what does the Nano symbolize? It symbolizes the dream of a visionary. He saw a family of four struggling on a two-wheeler in the rains and decided to do something about it. Most of us wouldn’t even give that sight a second glance. And despite the prices soaring upwards, he has delivered a $2,500 car that a family can afford. Why? No one could have said it better that Mr Ratan Tata – “A promise is a promise.”

Another Birthday…

2007-11-20T11:55:00.000+05:30

Today is Chechi’s birthday! And Chechi is my elder sister, whose life changed from the day I was born. She suffers from a multiple personality disorder – she thinks that I am her son! She has always treated me (and some of my friends) so. My life would’ve been so dull without her. And I haven’t thanked her for that…

She used to be a year up in school, and I had the constant pressure of being judged as her brother. Have no doubt – she was (and still is) brilliant! In academics, co-curricular, sports, everything. And with my li’l sister joining our school a few years down the line, the teachers thankfully figured that I was the exception and not the rule. Mom used to ask her to mind me when we used to go out to play too. So, in addition to the usual football, cricket, and other randomly violent sports or fights, I was quite adept at skipping, hopscotch and stuff. The boys and girls used to play in adjacent playgrounds, and neither of us could concentrate on our games. Chechi was always had one eye trained on me, lest I pick up the customary daily fight. And I used to feel watched and be helpless to try some of my patented maneuvers on-field. She used to always watch my back. And I haven’t thanked her for that…

Then came the high-school days. My classroom was at the ‘T’ where Chechi’s classroom’s corridor met the main one. And almost always, she could see me in/out the classroom in various poses of punishment. Kneeling down, hands up, on the bench, etc.. Her classmates never tired of teasing her and she, of twisting my ear. Whoa, those days, I remember, she used to dread going to school! Then one day, she broke down at home. That was the day that I was punished in front of the whole junior and senior assembly. I wish she had my perspective – now everyone knew me, and I didn’t bother telling her that because I knew she wouldn’t be amused. Oh no! And that was just the beginning of many such incidents to follow. However, she never gave up on me. And I haven’t thanked her for that…

But one thing never changed. Despite all this, her love for me grew stronger. Sure there were days she would have happily walked me to the guillotine, but love always won. And I’m glad. I still remember her taking leave from college to come and tutor me for my 12th standard boards. I also remember (with morbid amusement) the look on her face when I admitted to her that I have ‘left’ Integration and Differentiation for my finals. (For non-math students, this was a topic in the syllabus put by some sadist to solely torment poor souls like me. And these put together had 60% of the total marks!) That was the first night-out of my life and I got 75% in my boards the next day for math! And I haven’t thanked her for that…

She has sacrificed a lot for me. She gave up her dream of becoming an engineer thinking Dad would be stretched a bit when I went into engineering too. And I’ve always mocked her hopes for me, like not taking up engineering. And to this day, I fail to understand why she thinks I am the most brilliant human ever to walk this planet. She regularly reads my blogs and always has something good to say even about the crappiest post. I attribute that to her ‘Mother Syndrome’ towards me. Every time we meet, I see in her eyes a great man. I so wish I could be that man! And she has never lost that hope. And I haven’t thanked her for that…

So, I dedicate my post today to a dear friend, a loving sibling, an inspiring guide, and a great human being.
Chechi, you have always been my pillar of strength during school, college, and even for my marriage. I’ve told you you’re impatient, fat, inflexible, ugly, boring, and lots of other things. I lied (except for the boring part :). You are the most brilliant, beautiful, loving, understanding, and caring person I’ve met. And you’re a killer cook too! There’s nothing I would like to see changed about you. I’ve always prayed for you if not for anyone else, and Leeona and Paul are answers to that.

So, this is my confession. This is me saying ‘Thank You’. And though I’ve never admitted it, I love you, Chechi. More than Mamma and Dada. You’ve been my guardian angel, and nothing I will ever do can repay that.

Happy Birthday Chechi.

New and improved...

2007-11-19T13:29:00.000+05:30

Another Monday, another week. But this week, I feel I’ve become a smarter man. Or should I say, "New and Improved"? I was at home from Friday evening till Monday morning, playing Need For Speed with a vengeance. I must confess here that I have a need to be constantly amused and/or entertained. So, the telly is on to help me tide over the times where the races load or when the police bust me :(

And, the only thing you end up watching on the telly are the advertisements. I have written posts on how dumb these could be, even had a category called ‘WTF award for advertising excellence’. I feel guilty now. I realized that in their own way, these ads teach us so much about the world around us, and life in general. Don’t believe me? Check this small list I complied over the weekend:

‘Jab baal ho jaaye dry, toh dikhtey hain rookhey-sookhey.’ Literal meaning: When hair becomes dry, it looks dull and dry. Wow! Did you know that? Thanks to Parachute for that gem…

Eat Gold and Silver to increase vigor and intelligence! That is because scientists discovered that the kings of India were smart and healthy because they ate in Gold and Silver plates. And when ShahRukh Khan tells you that, you better listen! This is courtesy Himani.

‘You don’t have to be perfect when you look smart in Duke.’ I shall remember that always. Somehow, is a very weird way, it’s comforting. This wisdom was discovered by (the) Duke of ‘Ludhiana – The fashion hub of Punjab’ (Quoted from their website).

‘Brand nahi toh style nahi’ meaning, no brand, no style. Damn! Now that means that I’ll have to wear logo tees and stuff. Or, probably stitch the tags on someplace more conspicuous on my clothing. This tip thanks to Zeiss – the ‘branded spectacle lens manufacturer’.

‘Daag achhey hain’ which means, stains are good. My mom better read this and apologize! I’d brought home so many good things and all she ever gave me in return were immobilizing stares and scolding. Why wasn’t Surf invented then?

‘Thinking is such a waste of time’, this from the Hero Honda CBZ Extreme ad. I can totally relate to this having stayed in Gurgaon for two (excruciating) months. The ad guys were probably impressed by the people around the plant (in Gurgaon), they waste no time at all. Ever!

Well, these are just a few of the things I’ve learnt and can immediately recollect. In addition to this, you also get to know a lot of other ways in which people live in the world around us. Like:

Pet crocs addicted to candy (Alpenliebe)
Choco-wafers that make you chase dogs (new Perk)
Sodas that offer levitation (Fanta)
Deos that bring hot, long dead mummies to life (Axe)
Mobile phones that may be used as weapons (Moto Razr 2)
Holidays that get you laid (White Mischief)
Solution to power-cuts (Happydent)
Mints to make you smarter (Minto Fresh)

The list is endless… So, the next time you are watching your favorite program on TV, don’t switch channels during the commercial breaks. You never know what you’ll be missing! So guys, keep watching and Keep Walking :)

Is this how we treat LEGENDS?

2007-11-16T12:39:00.000+05:30

There are some pieces of news we don’t need to know about. Like about the monkey who climbed atop the banyan tree near the congress HQ. Like I give a monkey’s @ss! Or what about the ‘breaking news’ that claims, “Himesh Reshammiya says he is the best”? I don’t give an eff… but, there is some sort of a feel good factor when these take the prime time news and loop for hours on end – Nothing worse has happened. And that’s a good feeling. No bombings, murders, suicide attacks… the world is a better place.

A similar “Breaking News” was aired on some national news channels this morning. “Manoj Kumar will file a defamation suit against Shah Rukh (SRK) and Farah Khan”. Hyper excited newscasters, breathless reporters on the field, viewers calling in… the usual. And all this for what? Well, you gotta believe me when I say this – Manoj Kumar (MK) hurt his soul while watching Om Shanti Om (OSO)! He said (verbatim), “Meri aatma ko ghaat pahunchi hai”, when he saw himself being imitated on screen.

Manoj who? Well… a long, long time ago, there was this actor who was renowned for his patriotic theme films. He was nicknamed Mr Bharat! His last hit was before I reached the age of reason, so you may read more about him here.

So, here’s the man, who has helped India define her values and culture, teach us something new. Respect. (Do not confuse this with the higher end r-e-s-t-e-c-p of Ali G.) MK was rather slow to react to his portrayal on OSO where his trademark style of covering his face is parodied, and the guard/usher at a movie theatre does not recognize him (in the movie). And… well that’s it, but HOW DARE THEY! SRK, what got into you? How could you even think that a caricature of MK? You might have been encouraged by parodies on heads of state, (B/H/T/K)ollywood legends, Even Gods. But MK? No effin way!

And Farah Khan what the FarahKhan were YOU thinking? That you could even in your dreams, imagine MK not being recognized even by a new-born? That too in a movie? Ha! So what if he’s not as popular as Big B, Rajnikanth, Mithunda, Chiranjeevi, Feroz Khan, Salman Khan, Anil Kapoor, Akshay Kumar, Amjad Khan, Rajpal Yadav, Aditya Chopra, Himesh, Rakhee Sawant, etc.? He is the legend - MK. We didn’t expect this from you.

And to the rest of the Bollywood fraternity – Never ever use your hands to cover your face! Ever! Even though he has not patented it, it will not go unnoticed or unpunished. There are some people who are beyond ridicule and if you dare imitate, parody, caricature, whatever… them, woe betide you! Now our very own MK joins the revered group of people who do not accept any form of jokes, criticism, or comments about them or what they stand for.

Welcome, Mr Manoj Kumar, to the august company of Osama bin Laden, Fidel Castro, Saddam Hussein, and the likes, against whom, free speech is punishable. And dear MK, thank you for setting the bar high for Bharat. Let the world know, we do not take any bullcrap about ourselves!

P.S.: I have not seen OSO nor do I intend seeing it till it probably comes on TV. But the graphic detail in which the reporters explained the scenes to me on the telly made my heart stop! Revolting I say… How could somebody cover his face when only Manoj Kumar could do it? And how dare they have a dupe for Manoj Kumar? And worst of all, how did the gap in the screenplay where the watchman refuses to acknowledge Manoj Kumar go unnoticed? I am appalled!

Virtual realities...

2007-11-15T18:47:00.000+05:30

Have you ever been through a time when you were generally pre-occupied? Not something that you can lay your finger on, but still, just pre-occupied? Well, I was in one of those phases and I still am, I guess. But I’m still writing to celebrate God’s 11th gift to mankind.

Yes guys, the long wait is over… Need for Speed 11 – Pro Street will be launched today! Not that I’m rushing to the stores right now, but I’m still excited. Why? Because I trust EA - the developers of NFS. I’ve been hooked on to NFS and have played all their games released till date. Let me confess – I am a slave! And the only games I play are the NFS series.

By the time I could afford to buy one of these games, I was married. My wife was not exactly thrilled about my escapades in the NFS world. She used to draw parallels between my driving in the real and the virtual world. So, there were times, I used to sneak out to this place called Starbucks and race online. It didn’t discourage me a bit that I was beating 10-15 year olds in this game. Believe me – these guys can be mean when you make a mistake! When ‘Walker’ used to come online for a race, most racers started to chicken out. I kinda used to hold court and give free tips to budding online racers. I felt like a superhero… But like Superman, Batman, and all other superheroes, I had to keep this ‘Superhero’ identity a secret from the missus :)

But these were the Underground 1 and 2 series. Win races, challenge racers for outruns, earn money, pimp your ride… you were in car heaven!

Then, one day in Delhi, I bought NFS Most Wanted. I installed it on my notebook that had a 256 MB RAM, which meant that the game was forever in slo-mo. I was granted 30 minutes (max) a day to indulge in my dark (racing) fantasies. I guess the ladies will never understand the thrill and excitement of Most Wanted. The plot is simple! You drive into a city, you are picking up races and winning them, and then a local punk sabotages your ride and beats you. The rest of the game is spent trying to win your ride (and respect) back. To get your ride, you need to challenge the punk, who is No1 on the blacklist (that has 15 members). To challenge each member, you have to win some races, damage property, and engage the cops in pursuits, wreck cop cars, the works!

So, with the rationed 30 minutes a day and close to 20 hours on the days my wife was traveling, I finished the game and became the ‘Most Wanted’. I have been tempted to put that on my resume! The days I was alone at home, I used to hook it on to my sound system, crank up the volume, and soak in the sweet music! Dopey, our Lab initially was psyched, but got used to it. The maid used to me near tears! But I must also admit that I managed to do all this without pissing my wife off (or so I’d like to believe), and I even coaxed her to allow me some extra time. That will change if she came to know about the ‘crush’ I had on Mia, the animated character who guides you and watches your back in the game…

Later, when work kept us apart, she bought me a PlayStation. Yeah guys – A PLAYSTATION! Isn’t she cool or what? That keeps me pretty busy when I’m off work, and I rarely have time for anything else. Which is cool with me. And my friends too. NFS Carbon was nothing to write home about as far as the PlayStation version was concerned, and the system requirements for the PC platform are obscene. Same with ProStreet. Check it out:

OS: Windows XP/Vista (FAT16 and FAT32 File Systems are not supported by Digital Delivery)
Processor: 2.8GHz or faster (Windows Vista requires 3.0 GHz)
Memory: 512 MB RAM (Windows Vista requires 1 GB RAM)
Hard Drive: 8.1 GB (16 GB required for Digital Delivery)
DVD Drive: 8 SPEED (not required for Digital Delivery)
Video Card*: 128 MB with Pixel Shader 2.0 (AGP and PCIe only)
Sound Card: DirectX 9.0c compatibleDirectX - Version 9.0cOnline
Multiplayer: 512 Kbps or faster; 2-8 Players
Input: Keyboard, Mouse
Optional: USB Steering Wheel / Dual Analogue Gamepad
*Supported chipsets: NVIDIA GeForce FX 5950 greater (GeForce MX series not supported); ATI Radeon 9500 or greater. Laptop versions of these chipsets may work but are not supported. Updates to your video and sound card drivers may be required.

I would have to be a millionaire if I want to play the PC version. And I’m ready to wait. In the meantime, I keep dreaming about the races and hoping that my system magically upgrades itself… In the meantime, if any of you can afford the system configuration, I say – Go for it! This time, the races are legal, the damages stay, and there are bucket loads of aftermarket accessories and upgrades available from real tuners!

And, till I get my hands on such a machine, I guess I’ll just have to ‘Keep Walking’.

P.S: I am eternally grateful to EA Games for NFS.

Mush walks away with the HR award!

2007-10-31T15:15:00.000+05:30

Oops... I forgot the announcement!

Pakistan's General Pervez Musharraf had another landslide electoral victory... This time in the prestigious HR award for superlative humility. He has defeated his nearest rival, Sheikh Osama Bin Laden by 18% of the total votes polled.

Take it away, Perv Musharraf!

October 31, every year…

2007-10-31T14:19:00.000+05:30

It’s Kochu’s birthday!

I really wonder how people describe that the most wonderful day was when their brother/sister was born (usually a year or two younger)… It surprises me, because, that age you can’t even remember when and where to poop! To be honest, I don’t remember how Kochu looked as an infant; I was having trouble remembering my ABCs then… I guess.

Kochu was an extremely hassle-free child. She was God’s way of apologizing to my parents for giving me to them! My first memories of her were when she was probably a year old and Mummy said that I was not old enough to carry her. So, my first challenge in life was to be old enough to carry Kochu around and I still am trying! Chechi (my elder sis), and I, were about a year and change apart and we used to bring the house down with our fights. I can hardly remember an instance when we had fights with Kochu. In retrospect, she seemed like a re-incarnation of the Buddha!

Kochu proved to be a star at school too! She excelled in everything she tried – studies, sports, co-curricular… just like Chechi! And Kochu was (and still is) an extremely gifted singer. But unlike Chechi, she did not need to work hard and late. It came naturally to her. Actually, everything she does, is with a natural panache. I am yet to meet someone who has not loved her. So, it was no surprise that the only other person who could rival her, became her husband! Kochu is Dad’s pride, Moms joy, and Chechi’s best friend… My wife thinks she is the sweetest thing on Earth. As for me, she will always be my kid sister, who thinks she’s the elder one. We have a unique relationship and it always brings a smile on my face whenever I think of her. There's an old, black and white photograph of the three of us. I will always remember Kochu as she was then. Innocent, beautiful, precious…

So today, I leave my usual cynical self aside, and I pray. I pray that each of you have a Kochu in your lives to love and be loved. I pray that all her wishes for the rest of her life come true. Most of all, I pray that she always remain the Kochu we all love so very much! Happy Birthday sweetheart… and yes… mmuaaah!

A Perfect World…

2007-10-25T18:50:00.000+05:30

A very few people read my blog out of free will. Some I coerce, some I blackmail, the others, I force! Then there’s my family that read it out of unconditional love and have only good to say about it. My colleagues and friends read it more out of politeness.

So when the very few that read it out of free will suggests a topic to write about, I am obliged to oblige. So, here’s to Sue, who wanted to know about my IQ theory.

Caution: Overtly sensitive readers, please spare you and me the trouble. What follows is a veritable ‘Mein Kampf’ish ideology.

My IQ theory, like me, has a strong right skew. It’s my ‘Sistine Chapel’ of theories, and I intend to use it as a stepping-stone to my dream of becoming a God-man. This theory suggests that we live in a world that does not discriminate you based on your religion, race, caste, or gender. People will be segregated based only on their IQ which, for people with less than an 80 score, stands for Intelligence Quotient.

Some facts first:
Lewis Terman (1916) developed the original notion of IQ and proposed this scale for classifying IQ scores:
· Over 140 - Genius or near genius
· 120 - 140 - Very superior intelligence
· 110 - 119 - Superior intelligence
· 90 - 109 - Normal or average intelligence
· 80 - 89 - Dullness
· 70 - 79 - Borderline deficiency
· Under 70 - Definite feeble-mindedness

This formula works for well only for children. So, in the society of the future, every government issued ID, it will be mandatory to state the holder’s IQ. Privileges for the holders will be based on their IQ. The theory is extensive, but I present the gist of it here.

IQ Score of 110 and above: All privileges.

90 – 109: Not allowed to lead nations or hold a public position. These individuals will no be allowed to manage people with a higher IQ score.
Acceptable occupations: Drivers, ticket checkers, cashiers, postman/woman, etc.

80 – 89: Not allowed to drive, they can ride in a vehicle provided they are supervised. Will be required to take the stairs. Can marry; however, will not be allowed to reproduce.
Acceptable occupations: Coding, sanitation, house-helps, talent show contestants, etc.

70 – 79: Will require supervision while walking on streets, eating, interacting with others etc. Not allowed to meet people of the opposite gender. May participate in political rallies.
Acceptable occupations: Stunt doubles, waving for visiting dignitaries, play cricket, talent show judges, etc.

Below 69: Cordoned off in special gated communities. Allowed rations of food, water and oxygen. Not allowed to communicate or even think. May watch cricket, can send SMSes…
Acceptable occupation: Crash-test dummies, Kung-fu movies, Hindi soap operas, talent show audience, etc.

This intellectual cleansing of the society will rid you of most ills that we complain about in our society. And like any groundbreaking idea, it also has its negatives. The one main drawback due to which I was yet to formally present this theory is – lack of amusement. Most of us live to be amused. Amused by your colleagues, managers, friends, store clerks, actors, politicians… With the implementation of this theory, we will all lose that spice in our lives. So now you need to tell me a way around this. And I shall co-name you in my IQ theory for a better tomorrow… think of it…

Lemme know what you think. (In case you have a score below 80, I meant to say that you need to click on the link below, that says ‘comments’ and type your thoughts in the page that opens, and then… Oh forget it!)

The Afterlife...

2007-10-24T12:58:00.000+05:30

About four years ago, when I announced that I was going to get married, my friends were very sympathetic… They told me, “Buddy, you’re dead!” Going by those words, I’m already in my afterlife, and I’m enjoying every moment of it! I wouldn’t have had it any other way… I have a beautiful, supportive, and intelligent wife, who’s adapted very well with the lifestyle change that marriage to someone like me would have warranted. And keeping my side of the bargain, I’ve been ‘domesticated’ enough to start living in a home. I still have a long way to go and I’ll get there… someday…

But what prompted me to write about marriage is this. Chiranjeevi’s daughter, Srija, elopes with her boyfriend of four years and seeks police protection from her family! Now the only reservation that the family could have had was the criminal history of their new son-in-law. But the 19-year old has managed to turn it into a media circus, what with the event being covered live and later, sitting in for a call-in program on national television answering questions and basking in congratulatory messages from equally juvenile callers.

The only thing that comes to my mind is that the constitution should be revised to not allow anyone with an IQ score lower than 90 to get married. With that, we will not have a dumb kid, taking the pants off her family on national television… ever! Sirish Braradwaj, you are a dead man! This man has bit off more than he can chew, and his afterlife don’t look good to me L Come on! This guy knew her for four freakin’ years! No prizes for what’s going to happen within the next four years…

The reason I mentioned IQ, was because it’s easier to measure than intellectual maturity. Some people mature fast, some normally and some don’t. My younger sister was intellectually mature when she was 10! I reached there sometime when I was 25. Let me try and put this in perspective here. Answer the following question:

You are in the final year of college. On your birthday, your father promised to buy to a PlayStation 3. He buys you a computer instead. What do you do?
a) Accept the gift graciously. Afterall, you can still play games on it :)
b) Cry and throw a tantrum till dad buys you the PlayStation.
c) Go postal and break the computer. You wanted a PlayStation, for cryin’ out loud!
d) Get the message that your dad wants you to study, not play around. Top your class.

Now compare your answer:
a) 5 points. You have the maturity of ‘The Walker’. Keep Walking :)
b) 0 points. You are as mature as Srija or Karunanidhi. See a Psychiatrist.
c) –15 points. You are comparable to Ted Bundy or Osama. Shooot yourself!
d) 10 points. You are intellectually on par with my younger sis. Apply for Mensa.

See what I mean. So, for all you guys, please come back here and take this test when you are required to take an ‘intellectually mature’ decision. Needless to say, you need to score 5 or 10. If you do score well, you can expect a reasonably good life in your afterlife.

HR award for superlative humility…

2007-10-23T17:40:00.000+05:30

“Where there is faith, there is no fear”

This award honors individuals for their audacious belief in themselves or their causes (which they invariably link back to themselves)…Great men and women, who have made bold remarks, outrageous suggestions, amazing deeds… Just like HR (sorry Human Resource folks, I’m talking about the one and only HR – Himesh Reshammiya)!

Love, they say, makes you do things you never thought possible. And only when you love someone, do you realize its strength. Shah Jehan built the Taj Mahal for his wife, Bhagat Singh laid down his life for his country, and HR makes a movie – ‘Aap ka suroor’… For himself. Alas! Only if people loved each other even with a trillionth of HR’s love for himself, the world would’ve been such a wonderful place. But hey! This post is not about HR… I’m just drawing inspiration from him for this award category. And your nominees are:

K Karunanidhi – The Chief Minister of Tamilnadu, India.
Senility has done many things to many people, but not what it has done to our man… He questions the beliefs of a billion-strong nation based on his expert understanding of religion. More on this old geezer here.

Osama Bin Laden – The savior of the world (from the capitalist American pigs)!
Self-belief is good, very good. Better if you are leading a legion of misguided zealots who are willing to kill for ‘your’ cause. And over a period of time, this belief manifests into reality and all you see around you is what you believed in… OBL’s call for the US to convert to Islam is in itself, a lesson in humility. He has also donned the mantle of peace with his assortment of causes. Do I see a Nobel peace prize on its way?

Pervez Musharraf – The only good thing to happen to Pakistan after al Qaeeda.
Mush has contested and won elections in Pakistan. The landslide victory, he claims is a tribute to democracy. The others are crying foul, but little do they know that this victory was as tough for Mush as a 100-meter dash with your hands tied… alone, of course! Even his ally OBL has expressed his concern over his victory.

So, who is it going to be this time? I agree that none of these nominations can compare with SuperHR as far as their humility goes, but you tell me who is second best! As usual, you need to click on your choice and hit the submit button. And then you could use the comments section to share your insights and suggest further categori.

Keep Walking (and voting) folks...

(Thanks to GreatBong for the piece on Aap Ka Suroor)

Gladiator... WTF?!

2007-10-22T14:39:00.000+05:30

Well, as you can see for yourself, the Yamaha Gladiator wins the tightly contested 'WTF award for advertising excellence' in the Bikes category. Some of my readers were confused about the ad... well, to clarify for the last time, it was an ad for a bike and not a can of paint.

The Gladiator ad was a monument erected to draw attention to the pitiable state of afairs in our ad industry. Very similar to positioning Fanta as a levitation accessory. Even Goa pan masala beats these ads pants down!

For the time being, Gladiator is the daddy! The next award category coming soon :)

The Tifosi rejoice!

2007-10-22T14:35:00.000+05:30

When the 2007 season began in Melbourne, it looked good for Ferrari. Kimi ‘The Iceman’ Raikkonen won in style and we were introduced to rookie Hamilton who finished on the podium in his maiden GP. Here’s a brief account of the 17 races and how the events unfolded.

Race 1: Kimi, Alonso, Hamiltom. (Kimi leads the standings)
Race 2: Alonso, Hamiltom, Kimi. (Alono leads)
Race 3: Massa, Hamilton, Kimi. (Kimi, Alonso and Hamilton tied)
Race 4: Massa, Hamilton, Alonso. Kimi retires. (Hamilton leads)
Race 5: Alonso, Hamilton, Massa. (Hamilton and Alonso tied)
Race6: Hamilton, Heidfeld, Wurz. (Hamilton leads)
Race 7: Hamilton, Alonso, Massa. (Hamilton leads)
Race 8: Kimi, Massa, Hamilton. (Hamilton leads)
Race 9: Kimi, Alonso, Hamiltom. (Hamilton leads)
Race 10: Alonso, Massa Webber. (Hamilton leads)

There’s a twist now… The ongoing ‘spygate’ scandal between Ferrari and McLaren is underway. Alonso threatens Ron Dennis (McLaren chief) by saying that unless he slows Hamilton down, he (Alonso) will hand over the evidence to FIA. Dennis does not give in and McLaren is found guilty!
The standings are: Hamilton – 80, Alonso – 63, Kimi – 60, Massa – 51

Race 11: Hamilton, Kimi. Heidfeld (Hamilton leads)
Race 12: Massa, Kimi, Alonso (Hamilton leads)
Race 13: Alonso, Hamiltom, Kimi (Hamilton leads)

Alonso and Hamilton are not on talking terms now. Alonso wants to be the No.1 driver in the McLaren team and the team decides on a no favorites policy. The spygate ruling sees Ferrari already crowned constructors champions. Its now down to the last four races…

Race 14: Kimi, Massa, Alonso (Hamilton leads)
Race 15: Hamilton, Kovalinen, Kimi; Alonso retires (Hamilton leads)
Race 16: Kimi, Alonso, Massa; Hamilton retires (Hamilton leads)

The standings are: Hamilton – 107, Alonso – 103, Kimi – 100. The rest are out of the title race. Here’s what each of them had to achieve in order to win the driver’s championship:
Hamilton: Finish 1st, 2nd or 3rd. If 4th, Alonso to finish 2nd or lower…
Alonso: Finish 1st with Hamilton finishing 4th or lower…
Kimi: Finish 1st with Hamilton finishing 7th or lower, Alonso finishing 3rd or lower…

Race 17: Kimi, Massa, Alonso; Hamilton 7th!

No thriller could have been this exciting, no writer could have dreamt of this finish, but the prayers of the Tifosi have borne fruit. Ferrari are the world champions – Constructor and Driver. Boy, oh boy! What an awesome season it turned out to be… Kimi wins his 15th GP and his first World Championship. The Iceman smiles. Jus as we have come to expect of him, he does not get his emotions in the way even for the press conference.

Now, it doesn’t seem very likely that Alonso will stick to McLaren. Renault is only too eager to have him back. Hamilton will remain with McLaren. Kimi and Massa will race with Ferrari again in 2008. Kingfisher now has an F1 team. I can’t wait till next season!

Sources: BBC F1 and Fromula 1 official website.

Where are we headed?

2007-10-19T16:29:00.000+05:30

See you guys in hell… or wherever!

I am a part of numerous mailing lists. Some are funny, some loony, and some are outright torturous. And then there are the religious ones… While cleaning up my mailbox, I saw one that sent shivers down my spine… I realized that I was going to hell! Just like most people I know. And going by the mail, I guess that will be where more than 99% of us land L

The mail was about the seven deadly sins, also known as the Capital Vices or the Cardinal Sins. And I don’t know why, but the first thing that came to my mind while reading that was food! Believe it or not, food often evokes feelings in me that are otherwise quite latent. And that is why I will go to hell.

Lust – no other word in the English language can better describe my feelings for food.
Gluttony – it is a common occurrence.
Greed - the thought of food makes me drool!
Sloth – there is nothing I enjoy more than a siesta after lunch.
Wrath – woe betide anyone who keeps me away from my meals!
Envy – I envy most cook show hosts who travel the world just to eat…
Pride – do I pride myself on my appetite?!

I am a foodie. Yes! I love to eat. Rarely does anything match the satisfaction I derive from a tummy full of goodies. Some consider me a glutton, others, a legend. Frankly, I don’t give a damn!

My mom is an excellent cook. And she loves people who appreciate good food. So, it was little surprise to people that I am her favorite child. (Sorry sis, but that’s the truth!) She used to equally dote on all my friends who had this admirable quality. And so do my aunts, my elder sister, mother-in-law, some friends, and of course my wife. My cholesterol levels, BP, other vitals are good and way below borderline risk (Touch-wood)! So, I ain’t going to hell any sooner…

I was told that a hearty appetite is the symptom of a happy mind. A soul without worries or guilt, a heart that loves and is loved. And I believe it, for most people I’ve met with good appetites fall into this category. In most Indian cultures, when a prospective groom declines to eat, he is politely refused any alliance from the household. It’s going to be one hell of a party down there…

And I’m not for a moment saying that all people who cannot eat well are twisted… It’s just that I find it really difficult that people starve themselves to look anemic, anorexic, malnourished, and terminally ill! These losers may go to heaven; I don’t envy them a bit! Blame it on generation gap, but I still prefer people who are healthy – Physically and mentally. After all, only in a healthy body can a healthy mind survive. Oops! Now what kind of people go to heaven now?

I leave that up to you to decide where you want to be headed. Probably I got it all wrong and I might just end up ‘up there’… Like I say, there’s only one way to find out… Wherever I end up, I am reassured to think that I’ll be with like-minded folks. I that reassurance, I Keep Walking…

Ads that make you go WTF...

2007-10-15T15:36:00.000+05:30

The ‘WTF’ award for advertising excellence.

Advertisements are usually what we always end up watching on TV... So what better category to start these awards with? It has always amazed me that companies that can afford to pay obscene money for the air-time are not willing to pay a fraction of that for something creative? Especially the pan masala ads! Never seen a good one! Even otherwise, there's a huge list of ads that make you go WTF! Oye Bubblyy, Pepsi TV (Pepsi), Fair n Lovely, Harpic, Swagat Baniyan... the list is endless. And, they never stop!

So, we try and rate them here and vote for the worst, the one that offends your senses, sensitivities, sensibilities, sanity, intellect...

Category : Automobiles
(Bikes)

1) Yamaha Alba:
Hot babe sees dude riding a Yam. Sighs deeply (almost climaxing) while thumbing for a lift. Dude doesn’t care and rides on. Hot babe goes on to get the bike tattooed on her back! Thumbs dude again for a lift while turning around. Dude stops and says, “The new Yamaha Alba”. Hot babe retorts, “I’ve got it too”, and turns around. The two ride away…

2) Yamaha Gladiator:
Babe with a gang of boys in a club. Loser dude (the kinda guy who would be perfect for the MLTR crib song, “I’m not an actor, I’m not a star”) is smitten by girl. Takes out a can (mind you – a single can) of paint and does a graffiti of babe’s face on the wall. Babe smiles, kinda bites lower lip… Stud with girl defaces the painting. Loser dude sprays paint on stud’s shirt, grabs babe’s hand, and runs for it. Cut to loser dude and babe locking themselves is a shed of sorts and the gang of boys beating down the door. Loser dude then gets a bright one and proceeds to do another graffiti, this time a bike. Bike comes to life, Loser dude and babe smash wall and ride away!

3) Hero Honda CD Deluxe:
Architect boy gets call letter from an American company. Gets on his ‘deluxe’ to mail his Visa application. Just before mailing it, he asks himself, “America mein aisa kya hai jo India mai nahi hai?’ Realization hits him and he tears the application into pieces, litters, and rides away (now you know why we love it in India!). The catchline goes something like, “India ka naya deluxe bike aur seat pe naya Indian!”

So, cast your votes, on the left of your screen. And vote for the ad that really makes you go WTF! Send in categories and nominations using the comments section!

Announcing The Walker Awards For Excellence

2007-10-15T14:57:00.000+05:30

And the award goes to…

Well, here’s a series of Awards being instituted by ‘Keep Walking’. The inspiration comes from the famous Darwin Awards. These awards, “honour people who ensure the long-term survival of the human race by removing themselves from the gene pool in a sublimely idiotic fashion.” Click here for the Wikipedia article.

The modus operandi is pretty simple. I shall nominate up to four (or maybe more) entries, and the winner will be decided by a poll online (not SMS). You may suggest both award categories and nominations in the comments section. The post will be updated to include popular entries and the poll results close in a week. All original entries shall be acknowledged :)

The categories could include anything under the sun as long it is stupid enough. Movies, books, TV Series, websites, politics, celebrities… anything! For, if there’s one constant in the human race, it’s stupidity. And it never ceases to amaze you! Some people go through extreme hardships to prove it, some are natural. But they walk among us, indistinguishable from others until the inevitable…

Sad, Misleading Scams…

2007-10-12T18:01:00.000+05:30

Who will win? SMS IND or AUS to…
Who will be the next Indian Idol? SMS your choice…
To wish Musharaff on his birthday, SMS your message to…
Who will be the next contestant to be ousted? SMS your option…

Like I care! But it seems that quite a lot of us do… Just look at the number of people who send in their entries for such asinine stuff! All the while, it’s the (media) producers and the mobile operators who laugh all their way to the banks! When will the ‘blue billion’ realize that it is a rip-off?

And what is the guarantee that the SMS polls are actually used to determine the winner. Take the case of Abhijit Sawant. Gimme a break! Do you actually think that millions of Indians wanted this loser to be our ‘Idol’? Preposterous! The only poll that someone like him could hope to win is “Do you want this guy out of your face?” kinds. Let’s face it; we Indians determine winners on the basis of many factors, talent NOT being one of them. Case in point: ALL your talent shows! For a perspective, Indial Idol 3, about 700 million SMSes poured in. And an average premium SMS ranges from Rs 3 to Rs 10… you do the math!

The news channels have adapted this trend too! Apparently, it’s too good a gravy train to miss… And as a rule, if your audience thinks so, it has to be true! Talking about how responsible our media is, take a look at Ravi’s post. We are, however, discussing the oh-so-gullible Indian masses and SMSes here. And all the masala associated with it.

The premium SMS service, as I’ve already said, brings in obscene money for the operators. I don’t believe the operators when they say that the audience does not mind these rates. It’s like Musharraf claiming that Nawaz Sharif wanted a holiday in Saudi! But no matter how expensive, that does not deter bored aunties from voting (and gathering on streets) to show their support. Talking about aunties, I recently came to know that the soaps are also going the SMS way! No, I’m not talking just about the ‘SMS KSKBT to... to set it as your ring tone’ variety (dayum!) but these days, you can SMS options for the storyline… Possibly something like, “What do you want Tulsi to do next?”
A: Stare him down for a further 10 minutes
B: Cry in her trademark ‘constipated or sneezy’ style
C: Give a lecture on morality that would make Osama Bin Laden squirm
D: Cut scene, show someone else cheating on someone else
Send your option A, B, C, or D to….
That is the cue that our aunties wait for, and they get into SMSing frenzy! And the Ekta Kapoors of the world don’t even need ad revenue!

I tried an SMS poll once. Something to do with the World Cup 2007, I believe… Sent in my entry, got a reply to choose another option, and another and another till I gave up! Patience was never one of my virtues. But I fail to understand how people get hooked on to it and send away all their extra money to the ‘deserving’ producers and mobile operators. How selfless! Well, I don’t belong to that category. I just Keep Walking…

P.S.: To join the rally against SMS scams, Type F*** You on your mobile phone and send it to...

National Shame?

2007-10-11T18:37:00.000+05:30

It always comes back to this. The Indian cricket team lost today at Baroda... extremely, extremely, shamefully! I was expecting this, to be honest after the T20 hysteria. We are like this only...

However, what got to me early, were the commentators on DD National. They had invited a dumb-looking 'expert' commentator, who was going on and on about how India is sure to make 350 plus on this dream batsman's pitch. He opined that this was the sort of pitch that bowlers had nightmares about (or something like that). I was as usual, running around trying to finish my morning chores and get to work, so the volume was turned up and I could hear him being egged on by two equally insipid hosts who thought he was the cat's whiskers...

After the toss, this dude seemed to be on the seventh heaven and suggested that it was a sign from above! Well, it didn't take him too long to change his views. Within a few minutes (a few wickets later), he went on to say that this is the 'perfect bowler's pitch and that the batsmen were sure to face hell. The equally asinine co-commentator agreed only too enthusiastically! I was getting extremely amused by this chap! Alas, I valued my job more and that overcame my need for 'morbid amusement'.

I later heard that we were bundled out for 148! I thought to myself, hmm... that dude could've been right. The next I heard was that the OZs beat us pants down, with 9 wickets and about 25 more overs to spare! I thought to myself again, hmm... that dude could still have been right. Now that's what I call an opinion for all occasions! Attaboy!! He should've been in politics... Kumaraswamy seems to be the only 'true blue' politician who has the courage to go back on his words and keep the tradition alive... (Post Nayanar, but of course)

Rather than having such morons on air commentating, we should have them in the team. They would at-least (serve as 'nazar-tattoos?' and) help to ward off the evil eye on our team... The least that these types do are to act like a bad omen. Mandira Bedi did that to the Men in Blue during WC 2003. At least have good-looking people for Chrissakes!

But you got to give credit to our boys as well... We shine where there's no light. Our batsmen create perfect bowling wickets, and our bowlers make the ultimate batting wickets out of nowhere!

No wonder, there are some people (like me) who feel quite strongly about it. Hell who wouldn't? Out of about a dozen countries that play the game, can't we still be the best? All our sponsorships in sports are directed there! So, what do people like me do? We 'adapt' or 'internalize' jokes to suit the need of the hour! Here's one:

A primary teacher explains to her class that she is a fan of the Indian cricket team. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are fans of the Indian cricket team. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little boy. (Obviously Chhottu)
The teacher looks at Chhottu with surprise and says, "Chhottu, why didn't you raise your hand?"
"Because I'm not a fan of the Indian cricket team," he replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked, "Well, if you are not a fan of the Indian cricket team, then who are you a fan of?"
"I am a fan of the Australian cricket team, and proud of it," he replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears. "Chhottu, why, pray tell, are you a a fan of the Australian cricket team?"
"Because my mum and my dad are OZ cricket fans, so I'm a fan of the Australian cricket team too!"
"Well," said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, "that is no reason for you to be a OZ cricket fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time... What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?"

"Then," said Chhottu, "I'd be a fan of the Indian cricket team."

Now, that's a boy who's bound to Keep Walking :)

re-Vamping the workplace

2007-10-09T14:40:00.000+05:30

This morning, I woke up to this piece of news: KPMG official held for sexual harassment. There are, as usual many versions of this story. The most interesting one is by the Mumbai Mirror (the tabloid arm of TOI). And according to it, ‘The complaint pertained to an email (Meenakshi) Maheshwari had received from Aneesh Maloo, an associate director of company, in March 2006 showing three guys peeing and touching their private parts in public. At the end of the email was written --'It's about teamwork.'

I have seen this one, and it’s hilarious! Now, this is a mail was one that I have forwarded myself too about 4 years ago! KPMG has a lot of catching-up to do! By jeeves, they’re a part of the big four! How could they? How can I trust them with the latest on market forensics if they can’t circulate a fresh e-mail? And 4 years after I’ve seen it? Tch… tch…

Well, coming back to the news, I felt that something was not right when I read it… Like Osama bin Laden claiming that he bombed the Twin Towers because Bush did not respond to his advances. The lady realizes this after being fired in December 2006? Have some self-respect lady! I am appalled!

Give me a moment to tell you why: women like Meenakshi are exactly the reason why there will be no ‘gender equality’ in the workplace. I am not for a moment saying that I condone sexual harassment at work, No Sir! I have a wife, sisters and friends who work. But because of women like Ms Meenakshi, they will never be considered equal. And that is unacceptable to me.

Thankfully, the women I’ve known (a very huge majority of them) are hard working, gutsy, thinking women. And let’s face it; they are more committed than the average male worker. Most organizations, these days are not gender-blind. In fact, they are sensitive to the needs of employees of each gender. I am sure KPMG is one of them. And I don’t feel that there is anything wrong with humor at work. I would never send something to a lady if I don’t know her well enough to judge if she will appreciate it. And I’m sure Aneesh Maloo, an associate director with KPMG, is no different (I sincerely hope). About 60% of my subscriber base for jokes that I shamelessly source from here are women.

Women at work should be respected, not feared that they will turn around and slap a sexual harassment lawsuit against you. So, ladies, I say bitch-slap the next one you see who’s trying to pull such a stunt. It’s for your own good.

I, in the meantime, shall go a bit easy on my mailing list and probably include a disclaimer in them to safeguard my interests. And if some of you feel left out from the humor circle, blame the Meenakshis of the world. Another bump, but I Keep Walking.

Sorry... gotta rush!

2007-10-08T14:58:00.000+05:30

If you’re in the corporate world, you’ll never get enough of them! You hate being in one of them, but you’re always rushing from one to another. What is it about them that always draws people to it like flies to a flame? And why is the corporate world so obsessive-compulsive about it? No one word in the office evokes such a wide plethora of emotions as this one. This post is dedicated to this monument of management. Meetings – The favorite management pastime!

The question, “What is a meeting?” is yet to be answered. Though most of us have been in one, none of us can really explain it. But this enigma continues to thrive in the corporate world. A tougher question yet is, “Why do I have to be a part of a meeting?” and the generally acceptable answer is, “Because my boss is bored” or, “Someone needs to feel important” or even “Damned if I knew! I’ve been attending this since the time I moved in”. I shall try and clarify my understanding and you could also help me out here…

What is a meeting? Hmmm… A meeting is a form of expression. I endeavor to generalize a few validations for an interaction to be counted as a meeting:

It requires more than one person. It would be silly to announce, “I am going to meet me”. If someone actually does that, this will lead to another meeting of his supervisors, peers, and anyone else interested to determine if the company can afford to institutionalize him.
More than one person speaks in a meeting. This is unless some people are allowed to speak at home.
A meeting has a specific agenda. This is a must. But there is no rule that the discussion has to be around it. You may call a meeting about growing attrition and end up with a heated discussion on the geopolitical scenario.
It is time-bound. Again flexible. People may come in about five minutes to the meeting (if its your boss, he’s on time, if it’s you, you have nothing better to do), five minutes into the meeting (again, if its your boss, he’s had something better to do and if it’s you, you need to be more punctual). Some people even rush in about the time things are getting wrapped up. Your level in the organization determines the attitude of the attendees.
You agree to meet again. This is mandatory and is the only rule that is sacrosanct. You have to carry on the flame.

You may have a meeting for many reasons:
Reviews: You made a collective commitment. If you’ve kept it, the review meeting is a happy event. Otherwise, you become the object of collective hostility and ridicule.
Projects: You decide to do something. You make a team with the hope that someone actually will know how to… You get together and fix responsibilities. This is generally followed by a review.
Goal Setting: You are bored. No one knows what is to be done. You call a meeting at an exotic location (preferably a resort), eat, drink make merry. You then come back and decide to hold a ‘project’ meeting for the same participants to achieve the objective.
Budgeting: The simplest! You have money; you meet and decide how to spend it. You don’t have money; you meet to find out who’s spending more.
Pre-Brief: An activity is planned; you meet to decide how to go about it. You lay down the ground rules and hope everyone sticks to it.
De-Brief: After an activity, you chat up to see how it went. Goes well with cocktails.
Appraisals: This is the only meeting you wish you never had to attend! You realize that your boss actually knows more that you do… at-least about what you’ve been asked to do.
Interviews: This process usually follows the appraisal. You need to replace someone that quit following an appraisal.
Exit Interviews: Almost as inevitable as the sunset. What comes in has to go out. An employee decides to leave; you want to know why. Bad decision. Now that s/he is leaving, they would generally speak their mind out about you and your organization, shattering a few beliefs.
Rituals: The most common variety held for about the same reason you celebrate Gandhi Jayanti. It’s been that way and I don’t want to be the one that changes it!

A meeting makes a manager and not the other way round. A manager is incomplete without a meeting. It’s like a smoker craving for a drag. And it requires no specific reason but to satisfy your need to feel important. And even though most people in a meeting can’t tell a pie-chart from their elbow, you keep a grim expression and keep nodding (for whatever reason). And I’m positive that most of you are reading this in between meetings or on your way to them. I know I’ve written this between (ahem… and during) them.

But I have to add that I love them. They amuse me no end. Especially the way some people behave! It’s as if their life force was derived from the amount of entertainment they unwittingly provide us. My work life would be a drag without meetings. I shamelessly admit that. So, in and out of meetings, I Keep Walking!

'Lift' kara de...

2007-09-27T12:52:00.000+05:30

Work in a city? Have office in a multi-storeyed building? If you have answered 'Yes' to these questions, you will certainly empathize with this post and me!

One of the downsides of having to work in a multi-storeyed building is the elevator. You are so dependent on them. More than a utility, it is now a style statement, and even health clubs on the second floor have lift access! It is so much a part of our lives that we seldom give it its due. And just like we wrote in our essays in school, this marvel of technology comes at a price. For the technically inclined, to understand this world of elevators better, look here. I am also listing a few types that I've seen in my days.

The Grill - Apt name that originates from its 'see through' grill sliding doors. Very Spartan, with floor buttons inside and call buttons in the lobby. It don't matter whether you are going up or down. You control it when it comes to you. The commies could very well have designed it, because of its Socialist approach to passengers. First come, first served. May have ventilation and lighting. Much-preferred accessories are the buzzer (for amusement), a stop button (again for amusement), a liftman (depending on your mood for amusement or to test your patience), and graphic images warning people what will happen to their limbs if they are caught in the grill.

The Grill 2 – A bit superior than the grill with umpteen variations. Some have a voice command reminding you (not so politely) to ‘please close the door’ to an extremely irritating beep/alarm. These put the fear of God into the passenger and ensured that they behaved. This probably was the one that pioneered the fan in the cabin.

Gen 1 with sliding doors – These were quite the ‘in thing’ when they were launched. These doors opened and closed automatically! The doors were generally made of steel (that may or may not be painted) giving the passengers complete privacy. It inspired Steven Tyler to write a dedication to this monument of transport ‘Love in an elevator’. The automatic doors meant additional buttons to open and close the doors (again for amusement). This is the model that was here to stay.

Gen 2 with sliding doors – When we were introduces to the concept of safety, there were additional buttons and accessories added to the already growing list. On the outside, you have buttons for up and down, and inside, the alarm button and the telephone! I have learnt to truly appreciate this during my days in Gurgaon. The Power Cuts meant that the lifts used to be intermittently out of service and you were often out of service with the lift. You then press the alarm button, there are outcomes that vary from a beep, to a shrill bell, to an ambulance gone crazy. Someone comes on line and tells you to be calm and in a matter of a few minutes (ranging from 1 minute to about 20) you are rescued.

Gen 3 with sliding doors – This one is the typical elevator you can expect to find at work. It comes with air-conditioning, buttons that light up when pressed, bright lighting, video surveillance, random additional buttons… the works! I miss having a vending machine in there though…

Gen 4 with sliding doors – Minimal buttons inside. You press the floor you want to go to in the lobby, the console directs you to the car. Insides similar to the Gen 3 but without the floor buttons, depriving you of amusement.
High-speed elevators – Similar to the Gen 3, but with different cars to take for every 20 – 3- floors. You experience mild g-forces while riding it.

But one thing that never ceases to amaze me, is the ways the elevator can get to you! Especially when you have challenged co-passengers. I have listed a few that I’m sure you may have come across:

The ‘Severely Challenged’ – These are people with an average IQ below that of a snail. They press both (up and down) buttons in the lobby. A variation would be pressing the button corresponding to the opposite direction of desired travel. And no matter where they want to go, they always step in when the lift comes in.

The ‘Completely Confused’ – This includes some people from the first category too. These are the ones that have great difficulty in figuring out where to go. They get in, realize that the elevator is going in the opposite direction, and panic. They then try to get out on the next level and end up stalling your journey.

The ‘Outright Stupid’ – These, you can easily make out. They appear to be in a state of ‘zen’ in a lift. They act in slow motion and quite often end up getting on your nerves and on the wrong floor. The cycle then repeats, but it’s not your problem now :)

The ‘Harried Executive’ – flies in to the lobby, jets from one car to another, screaming on the phone, usually realizing his destination late. They get the same vibes from others that Osama gets from Bush.

The ‘Low Lives’ – Used in reference to people who get down between your floors and from where you caught the lift. They may belong to any category, but the idea is that they’ve slowed down your trip :(

The ‘Frequent Fliers’ – Gentle, benevolent beings, who use the lift at-least 8 times for round trips. Typical behavior for smokers, everything okay when you go downstairs, but reek of smoke on the way up.

The ‘Going Postals’ – Ordinary people who act in an extraordinary manner when confronted with any of the above. Behavior may range from being a ‘rebel without a cause’ (pressing all buttons on the elevator when they get off) to being abusive or violent.

The ‘Mere Mortals’ – The silent commuters who endure this trip day in and day out. Their co-workers regard them as ideal candidates that may ‘Go Postal’.

After writing this post, I now realize that I may have been responsible for the actions of some of the co-workers in my Gurgaon building. But knowing Gurgaon, I would not be surprised even if it is otherwise. Nevertheless, I Keep Walking :)

Vision 2020

2007-09-25T13:49:00.000+05:30

I don't think this is quite what Dr Kalam had in mind when he wrote his book. But then again, the Indian cricket team did not seem far from his vision of a confident, self-reliant, youthful, spirited India.

India, yesterday, won the inaugral Twenty20 world cup. And in what style! Sure there were troughs of despair and crests of joy, but in the end, we managed to keep it together. That was what mattered.

A study (read numbers guessed by me) has revealed that 90% of men cry at-least once a year. That number used to be at-least 10-20 times for the Indian cricket fan. Oh! the melodrama... Indian cricket finally has a happy ending! And somehow, I can' help but compare the Indian cricket fan to your average soap watcher. Indian cricket over the last couple of years, has all the makings of one:

Anger: Mob destructions of cricketers' homes
Elation: Victory laps
Sorrow: Loss to NZ
Jubilation: The mob mentioned above lighting crackers and doing 'bhangra' outside the same cricketers' homes.
Suspense: The Final of T20, the first India-Pak match
Animosity: Saurav - Chappel
Camaraderie: The huddle
Rape: Ahem.. what else would you call Yuvraj's 6 6s to Broad?
Litigation: BCCI...
Conspiracy: ICL!...
Melodrama: Sree(anything but)Shanth
and much more.

Now, all this comes in a power-packed 3 hours! That to me is the success of T20. Purists will berate me for the alleged 'bastardization' of the gentleman's game. They may gladly come over to do my work and the chores at home while I leisurely sit, relax, occassionally doze off, and watch the 5 days of 'Pure' cricket. I refuse to fall into the category of a gentleman who vegetates in front of his television for 5 days. Oops... I don't want to start a debate on that.

But what is heartening is that India wins the World Cup the same year it was bundled out by Bangladesh(!) and that too without the 'Trinity' of Rahul, Sachin and Saurav. Finally, for the Indian cricket fan (which I do not claim to be one), there is a light at the end of the tunnel. In this assurance (and at-least till the 'dream team' stumbles again), the fans shall Keep Walking.

God riddance?

2007-09-20T13:54:00.000+05:30

What is wrong with the world today? Don’t we have enough excitement already? Aren’t our hands full with terrorists with their perverted ‘religious’ agenda? Then why does our DMK chief, the octogenarian M Karunanidhi, have to make silly, frivolous remarks to feed an already growing fire? His daughter's house was vandalised as a result, but in true Kalaignar style, he says that such incidents are just like "bits of dust". Wow! And I thought his dialogue delivery days were long over.

Now for those of you who haven’t read the latest, the old dude, at just the time he has to make peace with his God, decides to go senile. He makes comments like, “Who is this Ram, which engineering college did he go to?” and stuff. And to prove that Ram did exist, some ‘suspected’ sangh parivar activists pay a visit to his daughter’s house in Bangalore and put the fear of God in her. And to cement His existence, they also burned a Tamilnadu-bound bus with a couple of people in it. Yes! Now everyone believes.

Just the same way every Christian now believes in Muhammed because of Osama bin Laden and every Muslim believes in Ram because of Narendra Modi. What a sham! If you believe that you can prove the existence of God by such means, go ahead. Probably you will have the 72 houris (virgin, angelic girls) and 28 gilmans (supple young boys) waiting for you in the netherworld. But don’t blame me if you find your name on the gilman roster in hell! You most certainly deserve it.

Advani, probably was feeling left out of all the action. What if someone 1000 years down the line asks, “Who is this Advani, the avtar to save all Hindus? Did he really exist? I know there are ruins of a mosque in Ayodhya, but did he actually do it?”. So he decides not to rest on his bygone days of glory and proclaims that a civil war is rife in India! What excitement! And what a way to go down in history.

Here are some links relared to the post:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/south_asia/7002695.stm
http://www.ndtv.com/convergence/ndtv/story.aspx?id=NEWEN20070026617
http://www.ibnlive.com/news/karuna-calls-lord-ram-a-drunkard-advani-fumes/49009-3.html
http://www.hindu.com/thehindu/holnus/002200709191966.htm

I am now waiting for the rituals to follow:

Shiv Sena’s Maharastra bandh.
CPI (M)’s Bengal and Kerala bandh.
Trinamool congress’s Calcutta bandh.
RJD’s Bihar Bandh.
Congress’ ‘bandh ke khilaaf’ bandh. and many more...

Why? Because they freakin’ feel like it! How dare you question the motive for a bandh? Others are doing it... But for people like you and me, it’s not like the old days. We still have to go to work. So, I have to content with reminiscing about the days gone by, where a bandh was just another excuse to play on the roads. Ah, the good old days, before people in India were aware of Molotov cocktails, burning buses and lynch mobs... sigh... (totally unrelated to the post: have you ever wondered about the etymology of politics? Poly - Many; Ticks - Blood sucking insects!)

The main (probably ignorant) perpetrator of all this mayhem is the ASI. That the ASI made such a comment in itself is surprising. I am surprised to think that people who study history and its preservation for a living did not predict the juggernaut to follow. We live in a secular democracy (or so we are led to believe), and a government body does not have a right to question anyone’s faith. Faith… now what’s that?

Faith is a belief. It does not require scientific validation. It is like common sense or conscience. It can’t be proved, only practiced. My faith is something very personal and I have no obligation to prove it to anyone. I believe. And that, I am sure, is the same with all of you. If you ask me which brewery Jesus Christ went to, or where Ram did his engineering, or who discovered the being on which the prophet took a celestial trip, I will say (censored)! It was once said, "Happy are those who have not seen and yet believe." That, my dear friends, is faith. Your and my faith is not open to discussion or ridicule. We were born with that right in this great country.

I will not trivialize my beliefs in God by engaging in an argument. I believe that MY God is MY business. No matter what anyone says, I remain steadfast. And in that belief, I shall keep walking.

Is being pro-India anti national?

2007-09-19T14:37:00.000+05:30

This seems to never end! Read it here: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/south_asia/7002090.stm

To summarise, the left parties in India don't want anything to do with US. No! No arguments! We don't want power (the bijli variety), we don't want military exercises, nothing! Let's look at some arguments put forward by the involved parties:
http://www.hindu.com/thehindu/holnus/001200709191219.htm
http://www.timesnow.tv/NewsDtls.aspx?NewsID=2825
http://www.indianexpress.com/story/218548.html

At this point, I would like to clarify that I have no allegiance to any political school of thought. I am a common Indian citizen and a patriot who is distraught at the situation around me.

What they do want, is maybe to live in a fool's paradise of a communist state. And history has shown us again and again and yet again what happens to a communist state in a not-so-ideal world. Russia is an excellent example of this. China, had a rude awakening and is now embracing globalization. Cuba, well, will remain Cuba! Perhaps, they would like to add India to the list of countries in this list: http://www.bookrags.com/wiki/Communist_state#Defunct_Communist_states

I, not for a moment would like to say that communism is bad on paper. And according to me, that is where it should remain! All this commotion about blindly opposing the nuclear deal between India and US should be called treason.

I would like all the protesters to please answer the folowing questions:
1. Are you Indians above being Communists?
2. Do you want India to be self-reliant in terms of power?
3. Would you like to live in a country with a strong military?
4. Do you want people around you to have jobs that can help them support their families?
5. Would you like to see India as one of the top three nations in the world in terms of its economy?

If they have answered 'yes' to these questions, why the commotion? Or is their political agenda higher than the nation's welfare? If so, arrest them for treason! Let the rest of us realise our dreams of living in a prosperous India during our lifetime.

JaiHind!