The Superpower Riseth…

“Every child is special, me was especially so.” - D-Man

Across ages and civilizations, great men and women have roamed the Earth with powers unlike any. Superman, Obama, Batman, Jet Li, Spiderman, Obama, James Bond, Barb Wire (ahem), Obama, Shaktiman, Rakhiji… These extraordinary (white) human beings (Superman is an exception because he is from Krypton. Really, come to think of it, even Darkman was a white guy*. ) were able to rise above the ordinary because they realized their true potential. As a professional who feeds his family teaching and training, I believe that every human has, indeed, a hidden power that makes them super.

My superpower is that I can watch the most excruciating programs and movies with ease. Something my wife has not come to terms with… yet! But one day, the world will know me as – D-Man! (Pronounced as Dee Minus Man).

The D- denotes the class of movies and programs I can endure. On my resume are masterpieces like Gunda, Deshdrohi, What’s your Rashee, Main hoon Na, Manos – the hand of fate, Rakhi ka Swayamvar, AAp ka Surroorrrr, Titanic, and then some. I can even watch the late-night infomercials that sell a range of products that can make you super like Nazar Pendants and Inflatable Sofas!

And like Superman has Kryptonite, I have Ronnie – my wife. The only one that stands between me and my superpower destiny! So, these days, while she is away in Delhi, I get to perfect my craft.

So Friday evening, it’s business as usual. I veg-out in front of my TV in search of new adventures, and to drop in on some old friends who’ve evolved during my absence. And oh boy, was I rewarded! Evil Grin

DPL – Dance Premier League – This is an attempt to divide the country with the two things that most of us Indians are very passionate about. Bollywood Dance and Cricket. The country is divided into five zones – North, East, South, West, and Central. There is also a representation from Pardesi Desis – the NRIs. These teams are pitted against one another in a show that redefines mediocrity. The lack of talent of the participants is rivaled only by the dumbness of the judges.

Terminal Velocity (in Hindi) – This was nowhere near the class of Spiderman-2 that I watched in Bhojpuri. Not even close. But the sight of Charlie Sheen speaking like a tapori makes you a believer in the parallel universe concept. Don’t miss the customary end-of-movie kiss scene where the VO artists demonstrate their ability to make chirping sounds. Classic!

Pati, Patni, aur Woh – The classic boring tale of an Indian household. Spiced up with angled stare-shots and cheap bollywood music to suit the context. Even Rakhiji's presence couldn't salvage this show. 'nuf said? Makes you long for a break like the end credits for a Himesh movie…

Big Boss Season 3 – Nothing more pitiful than the sight of Amitabh Bachhan trying to understand the psyche of the participants who’ve been kicked out. To my good fortune, this time was KRK or Kamal Rashid Khan – the star of the legendary Deshdrohi.

Ninja Pandav – I swear to God I am not kidding. I probably am the first superhero to do this, but I have attached photographic evidence. The pic also contains a synopsis of the program. I am not worthy to comment.

CID – A spoof of CSI. Chronicles the average day in the life of a crack investigation unit led by a constipated but hilarious ACP, and his team that comprises of politically-correct cross-section of people, religions, and personalities like a funny Catholic and an absent-minded coroner. Unlike the Bruckheimer production, you always have to slap the suspect (in true Indian police tradition) for him/her to confess. A must-see if you are a fan of CSI…

Bairi Piya – A soap that started off as a real-life depiction of farmer suicides. The TRPs showed that the audiences wanted to see this program as bad as Abhijeet Sawant’s next movie. The producers then turned this into a rich landlord and poor landless farmer’s daughter romance. TRPs soar, producers happy!

These were sprinkled with promos of soaps, and upcoming movies that include Himesbhai’s Radio. That hurt… But what really got me curious was the promo of a show that reveals details of your past life! I would’ve been willing to give my remote-wielding right arm to find out had it not been for Facebook. Coz I know that I was Einstein in my past life! Who’s your daddy now?

And if you think there are any more such programs I can test my endurance with, please suggest them. I need to know the limits to my superpower...

P.S.: Thanks Hyacie for motivating me to write. Encourages me to know that someone actually reads these…

Post P.S.: Don’t tell my wife…

*Post-Post P.S.: Gotcha! Shaktiman and Rakhiji are not white. But gimme a break…

A fairytale begins...

Rakhi Sawant’s Swayamwar!

Hosted by a sitcom star, the show takes the audience through the dreamy journey of a girl to find her one true love. There are 16 princes who are ready to face limitless eliminations to win the hand of the princess in marriage. They are ready to accept the challenge of a Swayamwar.

For the uninitiated, a Swayamwar is a ritual in which a bride chooses her husband from a group of hopefuls. Only in this case, it’s a diverse bunch ranging from a Haryanvi student to a Kashmiri police officer to an engineer from Delhi to a Canadian businessman to a Mumbaikar choreographer to what have you… And some of them even shut Rakhi up! Methinks the stage is set for the biggest reality show on Indian television. Ever!

Rakhi Sawant is considered the most obnoxious person on screen by people who haven’t seen Balkrishna in action. She changed the entertainment quotient of Indian television starting from her ‘Pardesia’ video, to her causing a riot in a police show, to single-handedly bumping up ratings for ‘Big Boss’, to publicly dumping her boyfriend on primetime. She has been there, done that.

Now, the lady wants to settle down to a ‘Happily Ever After’. So what does she do? Hold a Swayamwar! Not a good idea if you want people to change their notion that it is a publicity stunt.

This is a program I would recommend to anyone who can’t get enough of silly entertainment and for those whose taste range from bad to perverted. I switched it on out of morbid curiosity. And Man! Was I rewarded? (Best enjoyed when baked.)

The program is available on NDTV Imagine from 2100 – 2200, and is brought to you by Fem Bleach, Manforce Condoms, iPill emergency contraceptive, and the like.

The beggar and the queen…

Cartoon by Ayan

It was no surprise actually… Like a couple of queens coming out of the closet, the Pakis and Taliban have officially announced their marriage yesterday. The wedding was paid for by the allies of the war on terror!

About 70% of money that Pak gets as aid in the ‘War on Terror’ is ‘suspiciously spent’. Like to build a house for an army general… What really irks me is the US feigning ignorance of these facts. Have they ever seen a cent of their aid money being spent on fighting extremism? The soldiers who fight the so called ‘War on Terror’ do it with sandals and bolt action rifles! Something else that's is that despite fighting enemies wielding AK56s with inferior gear, the casualties are negligible. (I am not complaining that the Paki soldiers are alive and well – soldiers are probably the only professionals who still do the duty without any grudge.) That should’ve been the first clue that these guys are sitting around in the cold, drinking ‘khaava’ and playing cards. With each other, for all you know!

And the reason for the alliance was equally obnoxious. According to the report in the International Herald Tribune, "About 3,000 Taliban militants have kept 12,000 government troops at bay and terrorized the local population with floggings and the burning of schools." ...And so we decided to forge an alliance. Bullcrap!

We have been crying hoarse about the double game that Mush was playing all the while. And once more yesterday after the happy marriage, the Pakis put in a fresh requestfor a handout! I doubt they will be denied the aid from IMF. But what I fail to understand is how come the issue of misuse of the aid was not figured out earlier? I guess it’s because the west is not familiar with the beggars in the South Asia. And now that they’ve watched a bit of Slumdog Millionaire, they are more in tune with the ‘Paki-aid-trick’.

Let’s look at the parallel - that of a beggar on the street. S/He comes to your car each day, only looking for money. You try and help her/him with food or clothes, s/he isn’t really interested. None of this money ever goes into anything that will benefit them. You give them clothes, the next day, they are there again, half-naked. The money you give in alms is spent on alcohol/narcotics and the rest goes to their bosses.

Similarly, the Pakis are not interested in aid that will benefit the war on terror. They just want money. They then buy their toys and promptly hand over a ‘cut’ to the Al-Qaedas, HUJIs, LeTs and Talibans of the world. The next day, they are back on the streets again. Stinking like a sin. And yet they succeed in raising money...

When will this menace end?

'Enhanced' thinking...

But seriously awesome!

Some extremely weird narcotics are floating around in Pakistan. Researchers are trying hard to determine its origins and compositions, but agree that it is an extremely potent hallucinogen.

The research team got a ‘whiff’ of this after watching a telecast of News1 on TV1, a Paki news channel. Zaid Hamid, a security consultant and strategic defence analyst based in Pakistan appears to be the discoverer/inventor of this wonder.

I stumbled upon this dude while researching the Paki sentiment on the Mumbai attacks. I hit a goldmine! This guy can keep us entertained for ages… He has his own regular program called ‘Brass Tacks’ that discusses a wide array of issues ranging from “US Grand Strategic Objectives” to “Zionist War Against Islam” to “Pakistan Afghan Policy” to “Hindu Zionism” and “Economic Terrorism”… He is hailed as an authority on anything that rolls, sails, or flies!

Read this:
“Zaid Hamid is critical of the present government of Pakistan, declaring it as a 'CIA-sponsored' democracy. He disapproves the concept of democracy in all its totality and claims it as unIslamic. He does not support secular liberal western democracy, nor advocates fascists totalatarian secular dictatorships. His ideology of political power is based on the doctrine of Allama Iqbal, which supports the concept of spiritual democracy or benovelent dictatorship.” I mean, he's the man!

From whatever I’ve seen and heard of him, he does some serious $h!t. I mean, c’mon… this guy is suggesting things like India, alongwith Israel and US planned and executed the attacks in Mumbai. (I don’t know about US and Israel, but I know for sure that the average Indian politician can not be involved in such a scheme. He neither has the intellect nor the b@ll$. And only someone who is into some serious substance abuse can imagine the Indian political system ‘doing’ something!)

You should actually check out his views! The first time I heard it, I was enraged. But then I realized that this could be good entertainment. The guy is hilarious. I would not be surprised if I heard him say that BMC will stop digging forever. Yeah… It’s that unbelievable.

So, all you Hindus, Christians, Liberal Muslims, Jews, Buddhists, Whites, African-(country here)s, Browns, Asians, Everyone actually, better watch out! The Zaidster is here and he is higher than ever. And unless you believe in 'benovelent dictatorship' and stuff like that, he's gonna getcha!

And thanks to Manoj, here are some more links: http://in.youtube.com/watch?v=bnITvE4qA4w http://in.youtube.com/watch?v=6Sn-kV9yR6U&feature=related

Tell me what you think...

My India, my media…

I suffer from a rare disorder… A need for constant amusement! And nothing satiates this more than our mainstream media.

At a time when UP and Bhiari bhaiyyas were being beaten up in Mumbai, I surfed some news channels to see what was up and well, there was an unexpected breaking news! Sanjay Dutt was spotted in Goa with Maanyata. Hmmm… (Change channels) “Kareena Kapoor was seen sporting a new ring” Well… (Change Channels) “Govinda unapologetic about his slapping incident” I had it! What is with our media? And their fixation with Bollywood?

But the one that takes the cake is: “Amitabh Bachan ko thand lagi” meaning, “Amitabh Bachan felt cold”!

(Someone at work clicked this pic and thanks to Ayan for sending it to me. BTW, Ayan is a gifted cartoonist himself.)

Is it a lack of stories or are Indians only bothered about the stars and starlets of Bollywood? What about the people? What about issues that need public opinion and support?

I would like our channels to cover this story (or something like it) for once.

But I doubt that it will serve the purpose of amusement that discerning connoisseurs (like me) would appreciate.

However, I will not be surprised if this one gets covered. (I loved this one too by the way... Especially the defense that "All the time I worked for the airline, my moustache attracted many adoring eyes inside the plane and on the ground." Way to go buddy!

P.S.: If you own the copyright to the pic, please let me know so that I can acknowledge you.

Sad, Misleading Scams…

Who will win? SMS IND or AUS to…
Who will be the next Indian Idol? SMS your choice…
To wish Musharaff on his birthday, SMS your message to…
Who will be the next contestant to be ousted? SMS your option…

Like I care! But it seems that quite a lot of us do… Just look at the number of people who send in their entries for such asinine stuff! All the while, it’s the (media) producers and the mobile operators who laugh all their way to the banks! When will the ‘blue billion’ realize that it is a rip-off?

And what is the guarantee that the SMS polls are actually used to determine the winner. Take the case of Abhijit Sawant. Gimme a break! Do you actually think that millions of Indians wanted this loser to be our ‘Idol’? Preposterous! The only poll that someone like him could hope to win is “Do you want this guy out of your face?” kinds. Let’s face it; we Indians determine winners on the basis of many factors, talent NOT being one of them. Case in point: ALL your talent shows! For a perspective, Indial Idol 3, about 700 million SMSes poured in. And an average premium SMS ranges from Rs 3 to Rs 10… you do the math!

The news channels have adapted this trend too! Apparently, it’s too good a gravy train to miss… And as a rule, if your audience thinks so, it has to be true! Talking about how responsible our media is, take a look at Ravi’s post. We are, however, discussing the oh-so-gullible Indian masses and SMSes here. And all the masala associated with it.

The premium SMS service, as I’ve already said, brings in obscene money for the operators. I don’t believe the operators when they say that the audience does not mind these rates. It’s like Musharraf claiming that Nawaz Sharif wanted a holiday in Saudi! But no matter how expensive, that does not deter bored aunties from voting (and gathering on streets) to show their support. Talking about aunties, I recently came to know that the soaps are also going the SMS way! No, I’m not talking just about the ‘SMS KSKBT to... to set it as your ring tone’ variety (dayum!) but these days, you can SMS options for the storyline… Possibly something like, “What do you want Tulsi to do next?”
A: Stare him down for a further 10 minutes
B: Cry in her trademark ‘constipated or sneezy’ style
C: Give a lecture on morality that would make Osama Bin Laden squirm
D: Cut scene, show someone else cheating on someone else
Send your option A, B, C, or D to….
That is the cue that our aunties wait for, and they get into SMSing frenzy! And the Ekta Kapoors of the world don’t even need ad revenue!

I tried an SMS poll once. Something to do with the World Cup 2007, I believe… Sent in my entry, got a reply to choose another option, and another and another till I gave up! Patience was never one of my virtues. But I fail to understand how people get hooked on to it and send away all their extra money to the ‘deserving’ producers and mobile operators. How selfless! Well, I don’t belong to that category. I just Keep Walking…


P.S.: To join the rally against SMS scams, Type F*** You on your mobile phone and send it to...