The Imprudent Generation…

Thinking – such a waste of time! This has become the catch-word that Hero Honda banked on to revive the fortunes of the new CBZ – the CBZ Xtreme.

Kajol: Yeh sochne-wochne ka kaam mujhse nahi hota. Shukar hai is ghar mei koi toh intelligent hai!

Ajay: Thank you Jaanu.

Kajol: Mai tumhari nahi, humaare Whirlpool (AC or Fridge… I forget which) ki baat kar rahi hoon.

Loose translation – K: Can’t seem to get myself to think. Thankfully, there’s someone intelligent at home

A: Thanks babes.

K: Not you. I’m talking about the (random) Whirlpool (thingie) This is the latest advertisement for (random) Whirlpool product-line.

The new and disturbing trend in the ad industry – Moronizing the consumer.

I was a kid when advertisements were more focused on educating the customers (Dabur, Nirma, Melodie, etc.). Then the advertisements moved on to entertaining the customer. It used to be difficult, but I could still see some connect. I was even okay when it was just the old-school ‘demeaning the consumer’ trend. “You there… yeah you, the fugly dark babe/dude… improve your self-esteem with this fairness product” type of advertisements. Or, the “hey assface, get laid with this deo” kind of placement worked too…

But admitting that no carbon-based life form in your household has an IQ more than a random appliance is below the belt. Though the actors definitely look the part and obviously have no qualms admitting the fact, I take offence. As a Homo Sapien, that is. It is strangely, but surely comforting that you command the brown/white appliances at home. After a hard day’s work there is nothing more comforting than coming back home and relaxing, assured in the knowledge that your gadgets, fixtures, and appliances will obey your every command. They cool your room, chill your drink, heat your meal, play your music and all that.

I’d hate to be one of the people who can’t do that. Is that why they dispense all the pent-up aggression at work? Because their IQ is lower than an inanimate household item?

Indian Putrid League…

Q: What happens when a petty dimwit, who leads a hugely successful franchise, faces off with a suave lobbyist?

A: Crap hits the fan!

Welcome dear friends to a side-act that seems to be dominating India’s richest circus – Indian Premier League. IPL, as it is better known, started as an idea by the Indian cricketing legend Kapil Dev, to hone the cricketing talent of the country. At a time when India’s cricketing board considered T20, the shortest format of the game to be just a fad, Kapil Dev created the Indian Cricket League (ICL) with private sponsors. The event was an instant success for the cricket-hungry nation with international players mentoring upcoming Indian cricketers and enthralling crazed fans.

Enter Lalit Modi, who convinces the BCCI (Indian Cricket Board) that with the Indian team winning the 2007 T20 world cup, the fad is here to stay. For a plan to cash-in on the rush, Lalit Modi revisits the ICL plan, Cntrl+A, Cntrl+X, Cntrl+V. Viola! IPL is born. He then resorts to the cheap tactic of banning all Indian players in the ICL from representing the country. Trivializes Kapil Dev’s efforts and gets the ICC (International Cricketing Council) to discredit the ICL. What happens to ICL? Shift+Del!

What followed were two hugely successful seasons that cashed in on two evergreen passions of the Indian Man – Cricket and White Babes. The IPL wants more and invites bids for two new teams. Team Pune and Team Kochi offer whopping amounts of USD 350M and USD 333M for their teams, and win the bid. The Kochi bid is put together by Rendezvous sports, a bunch of unrelated parties brought together by Dr. Shashi Tharoor, an erudite politician from Trivandrum. Suddenly, something.

What follows is a developing story and the plot, sub-plots, characters, locales, and political affiliations will change. Continuously, randomly.

Act 1. The Kochi franchise’s papers are returned, citing lack of paperwork as the reason. As any Indian will know, the next logical thing is to slip a fiver into the babu’s pocket. The franchise, rather than slipping a fiver in the pocket, spends time, money, and energy in compiling paperwork.

Act 2. Modi tweets about irregularities in the partnership and attacks Shashi Tharoor personally, and insinuating his financial interest in the franchise. He also confesses to having received a call from Tharoor asking him to ‘back off’ from the scrutiny of the Kochi team’s papers.

Act 3. Dr Tharoor tweets ‘I’ve had enough” and issues a press release. He refrains from any personal attacks, but his aides and confidants do not. They publish Modi’s past in the US as a cocaine peddler, kidnapper, and assaulter. (?!)

Act 4. The Kochi team challenges Modi to disclose the ownership patterns of all teams. This supposedly caused a minor tremor in Lahore, where the ‘Bhai’ is living off ISI’s money and hospitality. (Any Indian company is only legitimate if the ‘Bhai’ has a stake in it.) Tharoor receives a threat SMS from the ‘Bhai’ (which will be eventually traced to some wannabe dumfuk) and his security is beefed up.

Act 5. Another disclosure linking Modi to a model and a probable casting pitch(?) scandal raises eyebrows. Modi is asked by the BCCI to stop tweeting and not make further comments (till they receive their share?) until the matter is sorted.

Act 6. BJP demands Tharoor’s resignation. (Again, this is the only logical conclusion for any problem.)

Update: April 18, 2010

Tharoor quits his post as a minister in the external affairs ministry.

Update: April 21, 2010

The BCCI and IPL governing council suggest Modi's exit. The defiant Modi refuses to go down

Disclaimer: My being a Mallu doesn’t necessarily mean that I am a fan of Tharoor by default. I honestly think that he should quit politics, since the political scene is not yet ready for a class act like him. IMO, it is his skill as a lobbyist that put a motley crew together to bid for a team. Moreover, even in the unlikely event that he has a financial stake in the outfit, isn’t it better than having underworld connections and other assorted mafia links? I’m really curious to see how Modi will come out of this…

Ancient, Orthodox, Walker...

I sometimes wonder if I belong to a different time and age… And it’s not just my creaking bones that make me wonder that. There are a lot of things around me that continue to reinforce my belief. Let’s take fashion, for instance…

I identify with a school of thought where women look like women and men look like men. Flip through any fashion channel or magazine now, and all you will find is women with the structure of underfed pre-teen boys and men, like they’ve just been let off a concentration camp. And they both look like they’ve lost the will to live. Seriously! Is that what passes off as sex appeal these days?

And why would any legally sane person EVER want to be a size zero? What does that mean anyways? To the best of my reasoning, it could mean the size of the wearer’s brain! Why would anyone actually pay money to look anorexic? And what kind of demented folks prefer such people? Or has mutation given the new generation some kind of convex vision? Or worse – has age given me concave vision?

Whatever be the reason, there goes my dreams of becoming a supermodel! Not that it will, in anyway, come in the way of my world-domination ambitions by becoming a God-man, but still… We all like a little fan following, don’t we?

But there are still a few things that, in my mind are divided by gender. I hope this table illustrates two categories of what (most people in) my generation identify with the sexes…

Category	Item/s	Gender
Cosmetics	All cosmetics	Feminine
	After shave, Cologne, Vaseline, Talcum powder	Masculine
	Lipstick, Foundation, Rouge…	NOT Masculine
Clothing	Skirts, blouses, tank-tops, things, saris, capris, hot pants, gowns, dresses…	Feminine (Actually women look good in anything)
	Pants, shirts, tees, jeans, kurtas	Masculine (refer above too)

Men should realize that UNLIKE women, they WILL look funny wearing anything out of the above table (let’s keep regional preferences like dhotis, loincloths, etc. out of this). And that there is a fine line that divides the metrosexuals from the effeminate. I am not homophobic, but the trend of men doing their eyebrows and stuff unsettles me… And so do men or women with a lack of personal hygiene… I hope I’m making sense to you, because sometimes, I can’t understand myself. Especially in such cases. I try and simplify it to myself by saying that a Man should look like a Man and a Woman should look like a Woman.

And yes, what started this was the sight of a guy in a car, doing make-up in the morning traffic of Mumbai. Honestly, I failed to decide then – which was more pathetic.

The Walkerashtra…

If there’s one thing I’ve learnt from the last 10 years, it is this: No one messes with a deluded man out to kill himself. At-least in India!

In the not so distant future, to be precise, on January 12, 2028 (providing the world survives 2012, of course), I shall form Walkerashtra, the 87,229,317^th state of the Republic on India.

And unlike the politicians of today, I shall gain approval by more persuasive means – eating unto death! Unlike fasting, eating has the additional advantage of flatulence, which has proved to be extremely effective in influencing others to not mess with you.

Walkerashtra will be created on one principle – absolute and unequivocal acceptance of its great leader – TheWalker (a la DPR Korea, the utopian society that my dear friend Max opened my eyes to). In the 120,178 sq.meters of Walkerashtra, there will be 7 statues of mine; and the entire population of 9 humans, 5 dogs, and other insects will sing songs in praise of my blog posts and my future as the unrivaled Godman.

The state animal will be a Labrador Retriever named Elvis ‘Popo’ Presley (in memory of our first dog), the state bird will be the mosquito (a homage to Kerala, my home state), and such. We shall rename every dog as either Tyson or Dopey, all trees will be called coconut trees, and each of the three street crossings will be called Walker Chowk!

My one-man state assembly, will pass a resolution to have ‘Walker’ included in the name of the airport that we share with 2,342 other states 45 miles away, and the railway station, 10 miles away, shared by 87. I too, shall collect state government taxes from all passing vehicles that have to cross about 217 states to travel 5 miles – a week-long road trip.

The central government is a sham by now, since coalitions are formed that get a majority every 7 minutes. I, personally shall be a part of at-least 3,956,317 coalitions, that were in power for a total of 187 hours – a new record, making me a national hero!

And that, my dear friends, will be the beginning to my world-domination plans. Boohaahaahaa…

Die Creativity, die…

I like creativity primarily because I have none. IMHO, people are born with it, and I’m willing to accept that and move on. I have learnt to deal with it as a divine will, like His* decision to not endow me with awesome bass guitar playing ability or George Clooney like looks. I love to be around people who can think up and do wonderful stuff like the riff on Lynrd Skynrd’s ‘Freebird’ or the sketches and inking of Savio. Unfortunately for me, I haven’t been able to accept it as a management practice. ‘Innovative’ practices are more of common sense than creativity. Using data to arrive at decisions is common sense, so labeling SixSigma as a creative tool (I know organizations that teach SixSigma in their creativity workshops. So) is weird… And creativity, unless practiced with extreme caution, can be catastrophic. I’m sure most of you are not willing to accept this, so allow me to illustrate…

You are a vocal advocate of creativity and people are really motivated with your reasoning. You become famous and are invited to New York for a seminar with a Fortune 50 company. On the flight, people recognize you and you become the center of attraction and soon, it’s time to land. In your capacity, and in your current situation, would you want the pilot to be creative? Or the Air Traffic Controller?

Now that we have that aspect out of the way, I hope you agree with me that you are better off leaving some things working the way they are. Sometimes creativity is the problem not the solution.

Most companies around are looking at ‘creative’ ways to engage their employees. The key here is to identify areas that require intervention in the first place and then identify people to pull it off. And this is not an either-or scenario. Both conditions have to be met. Otherwise, it turns out to be a ‘kiss of death’ for common sense. Let us look at some fictitious situations where creativity overrides common sense…

Situation: Less number of restrooms in an office.

Common Sense: Construct rest-rooms. If that’s a no, live with it. Who gets there first, goes first. Simple.

Creative Solution: Create a restroom policy. Now, only the management gets to use the restrooms. Organize a few fire hydrants outside the office complex for the rank and file if the organization is ‘humane’.

Situation: Unhappy employees

Common Sense: Find and eliminate cause.

Creative Solution: Hire a consultant. Devise a happiness policy. Invent a mandate for employees to follow policy. Defaulters undergo ‘coaching’ to be happy.

I hope you get the drift. All I want to say is that creativity requires two ingredients:

The right situation

The right person

Anything else is misapplication of sense. My thumb-rule is to use creative abilities only when common sense does not solve the problem

*Please forgive my reference to the Divine Creator as a male. My intention is not to be gender insensitive or politically incorrect. My life will lose its meaning if I believe my Creator to be gender neutral!

Disclaimer: This post does not intend to have any resemblance to any organization, profitable or otherwise. If you identify your organization with this post, ignore it as a coincidence and locate the nearest exit.

The Superpower Riseth…

“Every child is special, me was especially so.” - D-Man

Across ages and civilizations, great men and women have roamed the Earth with powers unlike any. Superman, Obama, Batman, Jet Li, Spiderman, Obama, James Bond, Barb Wire (ahem), Obama, Shaktiman, Rakhiji… These extraordinary (white) human beings (Superman is an exception because he is from Krypton. Really, come to think of it, even Darkman was a white guy*. ) were able to rise above the ordinary because they realized their true potential. As a professional who feeds his family teaching and training, I believe that every human has, indeed, a hidden power that makes them super.

My superpower is that I can watch the most excruciating programs and movies with ease. Something my wife has not come to terms with… yet! But one day, the world will know me as – D-Man! (Pronounced as Dee Minus Man).

The D- denotes the class of movies and programs I can endure. On my resume are masterpieces like Gunda, Deshdrohi, What’s your Rashee, Main hoon Na, Manos – the hand of fate, Rakhi ka Swayamvar, AAp ka Surroorrrr, Titanic, and then some. I can even watch the late-night infomercials that sell a range of products that can make you super like Nazar Pendants and Inflatable Sofas!

And like Superman has Kryptonite, I have Ronnie – my wife. The only one that stands between me and my superpower destiny! So, these days, while she is away in Delhi, I get to perfect my craft.

So Friday evening, it’s business as usual. I veg-out in front of my TV in search of new adventures, and to drop in on some old friends who’ve evolved during my absence. And oh boy, was I rewarded! Evil Grin

DPL – Dance Premier League – This is an attempt to divide the country with the two things that most of us Indians are very passionate about. Bollywood Dance and Cricket. The country is divided into five zones – North, East, South, West, and Central. There is also a representation from Pardesi Desis – the NRIs. These teams are pitted against one another in a show that redefines mediocrity. The lack of talent of the participants is rivaled only by the dumbness of the judges.

Terminal Velocity (in Hindi) – This was nowhere near the class of Spiderman-2 that I watched in Bhojpuri. Not even close. But the sight of Charlie Sheen speaking like a tapori makes you a believer in the parallel universe concept. Don’t miss the customary end-of-movie kiss scene where the VO artists demonstrate their ability to make chirping sounds. Classic!

Pati, Patni, aur Woh – The classic boring tale of an Indian household. Spiced up with angled stare-shots and cheap bollywood music to suit the context. Even Rakhiji's presence couldn't salvage this show. 'nuf said? Makes you long for a break like the end credits for a Himesh movie…

Big Boss Season 3 – Nothing more pitiful than the sight of Amitabh Bachhan trying to understand the psyche of the participants who’ve been kicked out. To my good fortune, this time was KRK or Kamal Rashid Khan – the star of the legendary Deshdrohi.

Ninja Pandav – I swear to God I am not kidding. I probably am the first superhero to do this, but I have attached photographic evidence. The pic also contains a synopsis of the program. I am not worthy to comment.

CID – A spoof of CSI. Chronicles the average day in the life of a crack investigation unit led by a constipated but hilarious ACP, and his team that comprises of politically-correct cross-section of people, religions, and personalities like a funny Catholic and an absent-minded coroner. Unlike the Bruckheimer production, you always have to slap the suspect (in true Indian police tradition) for him/her to confess. A must-see if you are a fan of CSI…

Bairi Piya – A soap that started off as a real-life depiction of farmer suicides. The TRPs showed that the audiences wanted to see this program as bad as Abhijeet Sawant’s next movie. The producers then turned this into a rich landlord and poor landless farmer’s daughter romance. TRPs soar, producers happy!

These were sprinkled with promos of soaps, and upcoming movies that include Himesbhai’s Radio. That hurt… But what really got me curious was the promo of a show that reveals details of your past life! I would’ve been willing to give my remote-wielding right arm to find out had it not been for Facebook. Coz I know that I was Einstein in my past life! Who’s your daddy now?

And if you think there are any more such programs I can test my endurance with, please suggest them. I need to know the limits to my superpower...

P.S.: Thanks Hyacie for motivating me to write. Encourages me to know that someone actually reads these…

Post P.S.: Don’t tell my wife…

*Post-Post P.S.: Gotcha! Shaktiman and Rakhiji are not white. But gimme a break…

The saga continues…

I have to confess… For a long time, I haven’t wanted to be addicted to a program so much. And I really don’t know why. The princess has surprised me with her humility (Like when she comforts an eliminated candidate by saying, ‘I hope you find someone better and more beautiful than me.’) and character (Staring down a contestant who hands her a Bacardi saying sum’ like, ‘The media has portrayed me as someone who is bold, but nothing is farther from the truth.’). I had tears trying to feel her pain. But at-least, the princess will ride away with a man who truly deserves her.

And no matter who wins (or is it loses), he TRULY deserves her. Help me understand this – there are guys who have wasted precious days of their life trying to get married to Rakhi Sawant, and that one of them is actually going to do that? Unreal!

I admit that in my 31 years, I have seen some pretty interesting things. I’ve seen a Bear ride a bicycle, an Elephant riding a tricycle, six sixes being hit in an over, Deccan Chargers winning the IPL, and then some. But I never imagined I’d live to see the day that Rakhi Sawant will act shy and coy!

Episode 3 was a (brace yourself) ‘Love Letter Reading Competition’. One dude’s idea about a love letter was to ask Rakhiji to challenge her suitors to sign legal papers. EVEN Rakhiji thought that it went too far. But Rakhiji heard all of them patiently and chose two guys. One for coffee and one for dinner. .. Oh and she went on record to say, “I have never been on a date, and I don’t know what happens on a date” (watch the embedded video 5:40). And by the end of it she was smitten by a fellow from Rishikesh. She also asked a dude something to the effect, ‘Can you believe that you are sitting across a table from ME?’.Now that’s humility (again). The other guy was a total loser because he chose to miss his sister’s wedding to be on a show that will test how low you can stoop to be with a mass of botox and silicon... I think he’s already proved that.

But the highlight of the show was when she voluntarily represented ALL women in India to say that 'All Indian women are housewives'. I bet the feminazis will go on a rampage against this... Like the guy who went with her on coffee says, 'Ek saath kitni khushi dogey mujhe? Mei ek aam insaan hoon.'? (Roughly translates into 'How much happiness will you give me, all at the same time? I am only human'.) I haven't been this entertained in a while...

A fairytale begins...

Rakhi Sawant’s Swayamwar!

Hosted by a sitcom star, the show takes the audience through the dreamy journey of a girl to find her one true love. There are 16 princes who are ready to face limitless eliminations to win the hand of the princess in marriage. They are ready to accept the challenge of a Swayamwar.

For the uninitiated, a Swayamwar is a ritual in which a bride chooses her husband from a group of hopefuls. Only in this case, it’s a diverse bunch ranging from a Haryanvi student to a Kashmiri police officer to an engineer from Delhi to a Canadian businessman to a Mumbaikar choreographer to what have you… And some of them even shut Rakhi up! Methinks the stage is set for the biggest reality show on Indian television. Ever!

Rakhi Sawant is considered the most obnoxious person on screen by people who haven’t seen Balkrishna in action. She changed the entertainment quotient of Indian television starting from her ‘Pardesia’ video, to her causing a riot in a police show, to single-handedly bumping up ratings for ‘Big Boss’, to publicly dumping her boyfriend on primetime. She has been there, done that.

Now, the lady wants to settle down to a ‘Happily Ever After’. So what does she do? Hold a Swayamwar! Not a good idea if you want people to change their notion that it is a publicity stunt.

This is a program I would recommend to anyone who can’t get enough of silly entertainment and for those whose taste range from bad to perverted. I switched it on out of morbid curiosity. And Man! Was I rewarded? (Best enjoyed when baked.)

The program is available on NDTV Imagine from 2100 – 2200, and is brought to you by Fem Bleach, Manforce Condoms, iPill emergency contraceptive, and the like.

Freedom of expression…

Freedom of expression is a concept that ranges from simple logic to complex legality. But the essence of the right is a person’s wish to speak freely. Now, as all fans of Spiderman are aware, ‘With great power comes great responsibility’ and the same goes for freedom of expression.

However, in most civilized societies (I await the results of the 2009 election before deciding where to classify India), this freedom excludes ‘Hate’ and ‘Offense’. It’s another debate as to what either of them mean… I mean, even in a simple household like mine, classics like ‘Goonda’, ‘Deshdrohi’, and the like are offensive to the missus, and movies like ‘Mamma Mia’ that makes me sick. (I bet Kamaal R Khan could own Meryl Streep and her flock of pansies any day... Bring it on!) This conflict of perception also happens when you inform the twit, whose car brushes yours, about your intentions for him and his dear ones… And when a packed crowd cheered Raj or Varun, there was a whole other crowd who s#at their pants! So, this conflict of perception is nothing new to us and we eperince it at various levels.

However, how do you react to something said under influence? Something said after you smoked(or whatever) something weird, but potent and then you are all of a sudden put on national television for comments? And you do not have time to grip facts or reality for that matter? Well I guess it would come out something like this, this, this, or this. (This guy Zaid Hamid never fails to crack me up!)

Cheers guys. I hope you too can share some more such stoner comedies… And I hope guys like him are not persecuted for their free speech or else we would lose some quality entertainment!

'Enhanced' thinking...

But seriously awesome!

Some extremely weird narcotics are floating around in Pakistan. Researchers are trying hard to determine its origins and compositions, but agree that it is an extremely potent hallucinogen.

The research team got a ‘whiff’ of this after watching a telecast of News1 on TV1, a Paki news channel. Zaid Hamid, a security consultant and strategic defence analyst based in Pakistan appears to be the discoverer/inventor of this wonder.

I stumbled upon this dude while researching the Paki sentiment on the Mumbai attacks. I hit a goldmine! This guy can keep us entertained for ages… He has his own regular program called ‘Brass Tacks’ that discusses a wide array of issues ranging from “US Grand Strategic Objectives” to “Zionist War Against Islam” to “Pakistan Afghan Policy” to “Hindu Zionism” and “Economic Terrorism”… He is hailed as an authority on anything that rolls, sails, or flies!

Read this:
“Zaid Hamid is critical of the present government of Pakistan, declaring it as a 'CIA-sponsored' democracy. He disapproves the concept of democracy in all its totality and claims it as unIslamic. He does not support secular liberal western democracy, nor advocates fascists totalatarian secular dictatorships. His ideology of political power is based on the doctrine of Allama Iqbal, which supports the concept of spiritual democracy or benovelent dictatorship.” I mean, he's the man!

From whatever I’ve seen and heard of him, he does some serious $h!t. I mean, c’mon… this guy is suggesting things like India, alongwith Israel and US planned and executed the attacks in Mumbai. (I don’t know about US and Israel, but I know for sure that the average Indian politician can not be involved in such a scheme. He neither has the intellect nor the b@ll$. And only someone who is into some serious substance abuse can imagine the Indian political system ‘doing’ something!)

You should actually check out his views! The first time I heard it, I was enraged. But then I realized that this could be good entertainment. The guy is hilarious. I would not be surprised if I heard him say that BMC will stop digging forever. Yeah… It’s that unbelievable.

So, all you Hindus, Christians, Liberal Muslims, Jews, Buddhists, Whites, African-(country here)s, Browns, Asians, Everyone actually, better watch out! The Zaidster is here and he is higher than ever. And unless you believe in 'benovelent dictatorship' and stuff like that, he's gonna getcha!

And thanks to Manoj, here are some more links: http://in.youtube.com/watch?v=bnITvE4qA4w http://in.youtube.com/watch?v=6Sn-kV9yR6U&feature=related

Tell me what you think...

In Good Cheer...

Cartoon by Ayan


I was depressed this morning, but thank God I stay in India… You can never be short on amusement. I am referring to this article about the ongoing controversy regarding cheerleaders in the IPL.

Like always, I had my own opinions. Then I thought, why not include you – My readers. And It was not difficult as there are just a few of you. I tried using G-Talk for the interview. The first guest was, but of-course, Anupama Datye – the worldly wise, with an opinion on just about nothing and everything.

TheWalker: Good Afternoon Mrs Datye, and welcome to the first interview of “Keep Walking”. It is indeed a great pleasure to have you as the first guest to…
Anupama Datye: Get on with it!
Me: err.. My bad. Do you think that there should be a ban on cheerleaders? (I am not asking if cheerleading is necessary.)
Anu: These matches are just for entertainment, no one is losing in the bargain. They add glamour to the game, so let them be.
Me: Don't you feel that this shows women in poor light and "increases voyeuristic tendencies in men" as claimed by some of our politicians?
Anu: Men will be men! They could get turned on by women in bhurkha… Other politicians don't seem to have any problems... only these guys sitting Mumbai, I think they have nothing better to do in life. They will be the 1st to ogle :(
The sena is making news for all the wrong reasons.
Me: But in your opinion, do you think it is 'perverted'?
Anu: Perverted is when a man lecherously looks at women twice his age or half his age that is bad
Me: Does that mean that you will not stop your 4-year old from watching the matches?
Anu: Rubbish! What does he understand? I don’t think that there is anything scandalous happening here. And btw cheerleading is a tradition - every girl worth her penny will want to be a cheerleader (watch "bring it on")
Me: Any parting thoughts? (I better end this fast... unless I want her to come over and smack me on the head)
Anu: I don't think cheerleading that is the problem it is the mental attitude of no good politicians that needs to be changed. They cover up things like that models (Jessica Lall) murder because their sons do it (probably because they were themselves deprived by their perverted parents) and likes of Shivani Bhatnager suffers a horrible death
Me: Thanks for being a part of this interview. I appreciate your time.
Anu: LOL

Well, folks, that was Anu. The next interview was with Sujata Chakraborty, my first cube-mate at workplace. Su’s a great writer herself and she calls a spade a spade. This was going to be interesting.

TheWalker: I was about to ping you
Sujata: Tell… wassup?
Me: I need your interview for my next post on "Cheerleaders"
Sujata: ?
Me: For my blog re
Sujata: Oh ok… ask and I’ll tell
Me: Do you think that there should be a ban on cheerleaders?
Sujata: Of course not. no bans. Cheerleaders are fun. But they should be local.
Like, in Bombay matches, they should be Marathi Manoos.
In Cal, they shouold be the bong beauties
In Kerala, the Mallu babes
In Delhi, the Punjabi kudis should take over
Me: But don't you think that it will 'do harm to the morality of the already deprived Indian men and cause irrepairable damage to our society' as our politicians claim?
Sujata: The answer to you question is in it. The 'already deprived' and 'irreparable' cannot be redeemed methinks. So, let's all enjoy. And u never know. It might actually be some balm for those souls. IMHO, most of the crime in India is caused by repressed libido and unsatisfied sexual appetites. ;)
Me: Hmm... Have you read the news in Mumbai Mirror (April 25, '08) about the man who tried to commit suicide because it was the 'wrong time' for his wife on his 'suhaag-raat'? How much longer do you think before the politicians blame that he could take it no more because of the IPL Cheerleaders?
Sujata: Oh I didn't read that. But that's hilarious! Mumbai mirror rocks.
Read this: http://www.telegraphindia.com/1070809/asp/opinion/story_8167967.asp
Me: Yeah. That piece of news in the Mirror was hilarious... written in all seriousness by the usual horde of Pulitzer prize-winning Mumbai Mirror journos...
Sujata: I generally like Mumbai mirror. Keeps the crap out and does a good job of covering the city. Very tabloid.
Me: okay back to the topic on hand... Do you foresee a solution to all this?
Sujata: I don’t see it as a problem. What’s porn in England is art in France.

That summed up Su’s opinion. Crisp and to the point as always.

What will follow in the next few posts will be your opinions. I have a few lined up:
Ayan Chakraborty – My favorite cartoonist
Pratibha Pal – My friend in grief when it comes to Hyderabad and Deccan Chargers
Jayeeta Das – Legally speaking

I would love to have some of my favorite bloggers and writers to find some time for me. Like Sue of the sushi bar, Morpheus of Morpheus’ dreams, Ajeeth - My only fan, Chandu – writer of the blog I can’t access… Hyacie, Shantanu… now, that’s a list

This exercise seems to be working. I don’t need Valium anymore. But I do need a job :)

The search continues…

I started writing this as a reply to Sue’s comment to allow Female Gods in ‘our’ outfit. Got too long and I thought I might as well post it. Let me start by setting the context right here…

The search for a new, parochial, God-figure started in response to violence in many parts of the country against people from ‘other’ regions. These people who want total rights over ‘their’ land come from a certain school of political thought – I, Me, and Myself. So, please keep that in mind.

I’ve been consulting for some time now, and the one thing that I’ve learnt is that unless your solution, product, or service meets the end user requirements, it is a disaster. However, the end user doesn’t have control over what is bought. A salesman sells a product to the CXOs, CFOs, COOs of the world, who in all probability do not use the solution in the first place. That puts your brand image at stake, because the users start complaining after a while… Therefore a good solution, in addition to making ‘business sense’ to the top bosses (read massaging their ego), should also be appealing to the masses. That is consulting!

I shall examine the situation for you. This, of-course, should have been a PowerPoint presentation, but no one’s interested in seeing them (what’s new?). So I give you the gist of it here.

Management
Vision (Propaganda)
Revenues (Party Collections)
Investor Relations (Vote Bank)
Shareholder Value (Advantages for the rank and file)
Market Share (Actual number of seats)

End User
Ease (Will I ‘have’ to work?)
Appeal (How will I be identified as a part of this outfit?)
Productivity gain (How many people out of 10 will (or can be forced to) contribute?)
Earnings (And how much can I siphon off?)
Growth (How fast can I move to the next level? Is there another ‘group’ we can target?)

An altruistic solution WILL NOT help. No one’s buying that and we’re not here for charity. A leftist approach too, is out of the question. The top bosses do not (secretly) endorse the concept of equality. We are, therefore left with a concept of a right-winged outfit that deludes you into believing that it is participative. The righter, the better.

Now that we have identified the target audiences, we need to offer a solution. So, put on your thinking caps and give me options. If you think they are a bit long, e-mail them to me. I’ll compile them for another post and shall acknowledge your contribution. Who knows? You may even qualify for the top job if you can spew enough venom! And I am open to Gods, Goddesses and beyond.

And remember – Right is right.

It’s back!

Another year has passed. With loads of excitement in store… People are already preparing for the big day and I can sense it all around me. The news about the unique way in which we celebrate this great day has reached the world. I’m saddened that tourists are not making a beeline to India to watch us celebrate!

Scouting for spots where couples tryst has already started. Stores selling related merchandise have been identified. Banners, effigies, stones, rotten tomatoes, mulatto cocktails, swords, and other miscellanies have been stocked.

Yes… Valentines day is just around the corner!

Unlike the rest of the world, we celebrate the V-day with V for venom. As an Indian, I vehemently oppose the concept of Valentines Day. It is against our culture. It corrupts our new generation. And I am not alone. With me are myriad political parties, student unions, and social activism groups. Our cadres have infiltrated into the varied strata of society and are sniffing out events, parties, activities that the supporters of this satanic feast are organizing.

I say it is a conspiracy of the imperialists to corrupt our culture. We have never heard of people falling in love. Never has it happened in our great nation. The Taj Mahal – a man’s greatest erection for a woman – is only an exception to this. And what is all this hype about buying diamonds, chocolates and cards? Have you ever heard of any Indian in our glorious past dothis?

You may ask why I am so bitter. The answer is – I will be away from the one I love this V-day. And with me are people who have failed in love, who never have (the courage to) express their love, senior citizens who are envious that this never happened in their age and time. If We can't enjoy this day, why should we let anyone else? And we are joined by self-righteous propagators of the ‘Indian Culture’ who have to do this just to get elected and people who abhor spending money on their loved ones.

So I ask you – Have you ever failed in love? Do women avoid you like the plague? Do you secretly envy couples that fall in love? Do you think it is against your religion (or your interpretation of it)? If yes, come join me in this fight to save our culture (that’s the in-thing and that's what we'll call it). We shall pelt stones and tomatoes at shops, scare away couples, and burn effigies (of whom? The media shall decide that). But caution – Let’s stay away from the bigger organizations like star hotels, TV channels, etc. ‘cos they have security and may retaliate. Let’s just stick to the defenseless people, as they are the ones who need to be taught our culture.

I am including links to present and past activities of our clans that have recieved acclaim from the media.

Exhibit 1 - International acclaim
Exhibit 2 – Regional support
Exhibit 3 – Blast from the past
Exhibit 4 – Sisters in arms

So, what say? Meet at 4 PM tomorrow outside 'Archies Gallery' with our stockpiles? We should be joined by bored MNS and BSP activists whose leaders have been arrested too! Political mileage for this noble cause? Wow! Nothing like it :)

P.S.: Pic courtesy Times of India

Added on Feb 18, 2008:

Oops! I did go to Hyderabad to be with my Valentine afterall... So, please dismiss this post as a load of bullcrap!

Sad, Misleading Scams…

Who will win? SMS IND or AUS to…
Who will be the next Indian Idol? SMS your choice…
To wish Musharaff on his birthday, SMS your message to…
Who will be the next contestant to be ousted? SMS your option…

Like I care! But it seems that quite a lot of us do… Just look at the number of people who send in their entries for such asinine stuff! All the while, it’s the (media) producers and the mobile operators who laugh all their way to the banks! When will the ‘blue billion’ realize that it is a rip-off?

And what is the guarantee that the SMS polls are actually used to determine the winner. Take the case of Abhijit Sawant. Gimme a break! Do you actually think that millions of Indians wanted this loser to be our ‘Idol’? Preposterous! The only poll that someone like him could hope to win is “Do you want this guy out of your face?” kinds. Let’s face it; we Indians determine winners on the basis of many factors, talent NOT being one of them. Case in point: ALL your talent shows! For a perspective, Indial Idol 3, about 700 million SMSes poured in. And an average premium SMS ranges from Rs 3 to Rs 10… you do the math!

The news channels have adapted this trend too! Apparently, it’s too good a gravy train to miss… And as a rule, if your audience thinks so, it has to be true! Talking about how responsible our media is, take a look at Ravi’s post. We are, however, discussing the oh-so-gullible Indian masses and SMSes here. And all the masala associated with it.

The premium SMS service, as I’ve already said, brings in obscene money for the operators. I don’t believe the operators when they say that the audience does not mind these rates. It’s like Musharraf claiming that Nawaz Sharif wanted a holiday in Saudi! But no matter how expensive, that does not deter bored aunties from voting (and gathering on streets) to show their support. Talking about aunties, I recently came to know that the soaps are also going the SMS way! No, I’m not talking just about the ‘SMS KSKBT to... to set it as your ring tone’ variety (dayum!) but these days, you can SMS options for the storyline… Possibly something like, “What do you want Tulsi to do next?”
A: Stare him down for a further 10 minutes
B: Cry in her trademark ‘constipated or sneezy’ style
C: Give a lecture on morality that would make Osama Bin Laden squirm
D: Cut scene, show someone else cheating on someone else
Send your option A, B, C, or D to….
That is the cue that our aunties wait for, and they get into SMSing frenzy! And the Ekta Kapoors of the world don’t even need ad revenue!

I tried an SMS poll once. Something to do with the World Cup 2007, I believe… Sent in my entry, got a reply to choose another option, and another and another till I gave up! Patience was never one of my virtues. But I fail to understand how people get hooked on to it and send away all their extra money to the ‘deserving’ producers and mobile operators. How selfless! Well, I don’t belong to that category. I just Keep Walking…


P.S.: To join the rally against SMS scams, Type F*** You on your mobile phone and send it to...