Die Creativity, die…

I like creativity primarily because I have none. IMHO, people are born with it, and I’m willing to accept that and move on. I have learnt to deal with it as a divine will, like His* decision to not endow me with awesome bass guitar playing ability or George Clooney like looks. I love to be around people who can think up and do wonderful stuff like the riff on Lynrd Skynrd’s ‘Freebird’ or the sketches and inking of Savio. Unfortunately for me, I haven’t been able to accept it as a management practice. ‘Innovative’ practices are more of common sense than creativity. Using data to arrive at decisions is common sense, so labeling SixSigma as a creative tool (I know organizations that teach SixSigma in their creativity workshops. So) is weird… And creativity, unless practiced with extreme caution, can be catastrophic. I’m sure most of you are not willing to accept this, so allow me to illustrate…

You are a vocal advocate of creativity and people are really motivated with your reasoning. You become famous and are invited to New York for a seminar with a Fortune 50 company. On the flight, people recognize you and you become the center of attraction and soon, it’s time to land. In your capacity, and in your current situation, would you want the pilot to be creative? Or the Air Traffic Controller?

Now that we have that aspect out of the way, I hope you agree with me that you are better off leaving some things working the way they are. Sometimes creativity is the problem not the solution.

Most companies around are looking at ‘creative’ ways to engage their employees. The key here is to identify areas that require intervention in the first place and then identify people to pull it off. And this is not an either-or scenario. Both conditions have to be met. Otherwise, it turns out to be a ‘kiss of death’ for common sense. Let us look at some fictitious situations where creativity overrides common sense…

Situation: Less number of restrooms in an office.

Common Sense: Construct rest-rooms. If that’s a no, live with it. Who gets there first, goes first. Simple.

Creative Solution: Create a restroom policy. Now, only the management gets to use the restrooms. Organize a few fire hydrants outside the office complex for the rank and file if the organization is ‘humane’.

Situation: Unhappy employees

Common Sense: Find and eliminate cause.

Creative Solution: Hire a consultant. Devise a happiness policy. Invent a mandate for employees to follow policy. Defaulters undergo ‘coaching’ to be happy.

I hope you get the drift. All I want to say is that creativity requires two ingredients:

The right situation

The right person

Anything else is misapplication of sense. My thumb-rule is to use creative abilities only when common sense does not solve the problem

*Please forgive my reference to the Divine Creator as a male. My intention is not to be gender insensitive or politically incorrect. My life will lose its meaning if I believe my Creator to be gender neutral!

Disclaimer: This post does not intend to have any resemblance to any organization, profitable or otherwise. If you identify your organization with this post, ignore it as a coincidence and locate the nearest exit.

The Fiasco and after…

I am probably the last blogger with his first take on the Satyam fiasco. My reason – it was surreal. And I needed to comprehend what happened, and how. And like I already mentioned, it was hard to believe.

The number 4 IT company in India admitting to financial data manipulation at the highest level despite having one of the ‘Big Four’ as its auditors, is astounding! And that too, someone with just about 3% of the stake in the company doing all this single-handedly? Farfetched. Something like this was possible in the early 20th century. But c’mon guys, this is the 21st century! It’s not as if Raju fudged the attendance records or something – this was a booker prize winning work of fiction.

If his admissions and subsequent reports are to be believed, the entire cash position was cooked up! Year after year. I find it hard to believe that no one else knew about this. I mean c’mon man, are we all to believe that he hired idiots and retards? That the innocent C-level didn’t have a clue about all this for all these years? That a firm like PWC was given the ‘Chinese 5-star factory tour’ and went back all praises? And that for all his efforts, Satyam was awarded the Golden Peacock for corporate governance? Bullcrap!

And disclosures of auditors that say that they attended meetings where the agenda was to cook books. They couldn’t understand what was going on just because the word ‘fudging’ was not used. Hmmm… let me think… get outta here! Either these guys were innocent as angels or they believe we are. And we all know we aren’t!

In my reckoning, this is just the tip of the iceberg. I think it’s just a while before the $hit hits the fan.

Ramalingaraju.com was the second most pathetic work of fiction. I refuse to believe that CEOs and Directors would want to openly declare their solidarity for RR. And that too, in grammar and language that could make the worst of Paki media persons cringe!

That the average Indian does not condone this didn’t come as a surprise to me. Like the protagonist in RGV’s Guru who bribes, cheats, and lies his way to the top, Raju too, is a hero to scores. And like ‘Gurubhai’, Raju also just wanted to do ‘bijnej’. The followers don’t give a fuk if he brings mistrust and disgrace to an industry which is already bearing the brunt of the global recession. All that matters is that they make their money. And that, my friends is the true ‘Indian Dream’!

I was almost admiring the genius of this guy when an interesting observation by Sharma Uncle, Baba’s closest friend made sense, “Yaar iss mei dimaag lagaaney ki koi zaroorat nahi hai. Aisi tuchha-panti toh chotey-motey contractor log barson se kartey aa rahe hain… Mazdoor kam lagao aur zyaada ka paisa mango.” (Translation: This didn’t require brains. This kind of third-class tactics were used by small time contractors from time immemorial… Employ less and show inflated wages.) This was no high-class fraud, this was just cheap and down-market! Sure, the scale was huge… but the scheme was pathetic. I expected better class out of the illustrious Satyam C-level, but what they’ve done wouldn’t even impress a pickpocket. The petty thief from his adjacent cell will own him anyday!

Now I wait for the day that Raju turns a politician. Well, that’s the only place he can find sympathizers. And that’s the ultimate glory that any petty criminal can hope for…

TheWalker returns...

Laziness…
Fun Holidays...
Bigger workloads…
Moving households…

Just a few of the things that kept me away from my blog. Prats finally motivates me to write something, and I think what do I write about? So much has happened with and around me… Then I thought I’d do just that – write about what happened :)

Suckfest! Reliance metro starts digging up the road leading to work. Travel time shoots up three-fold! Then this week, BMC (Brihanmumbai Municipal Corporation) digs up some space that Reliance had left out. Why should just Reliance have all the fun?

Fantastic... Took a trip to Kerala. With both parents and in-laws, we expected counseling sessions. Well, things turned out pretty well and there are some nice pics to prove it! I’ve already uploaded a video of the famed snake-boat race that the missus shot.

Not bad… Took another trip to Calcutta. Missed Tuntun on this one, though.

Cool… Ron resigns to join me in Mumbai. A good drive from Hyderabad to Mumbai with Ron and Praveen Pandit. I drive all the way, they sleep some of the way. Reached Mumbai safely. Stay with Chandu and Ruby. The latest addition to the sweetest couples we know…

Relief! To get a society NOC in Mumbai is about as easy as Osama getting a H1 visa for US. Numerous visits to police stations, assorted government offices and finally we have a roof over our head. Chandu and Ruby are relieved!

Contemplative… Think of migrating to Somalia, become a pirate, rake in the moolah! Nobody seems to bother them. And I come to know today that the pirate ship they actually bombed turned out to be a deep sea trawler. That helps!

Good. My brother, Sanju, visits us in Mumbai. Diwali was fun. We find out the wrong way that a portion of ‘fruit cream’ at the Haji Ali juice center is for four! Never one to waste food, I polish off the leftovers. Ron doesn’t bother waking me up till the next evening.

Happy… At work, we start roll-out of the most kick-yo-butt program ever! Great client feedback, boss happy, me happy!

Worried. The great economic meltdown. Bankruptcies and bailouts… I wonder if they will bailout my band of pirates if the shipping companies stop plying the Somalian coast…

Angry. The Malegaon ‘Blast Probe’ (Isn’t that an oxymoron? Especially so if you think of probe as a noun) uncovers another far-right-fundamentalists. Don’t we have enough of that already? The future don’t look too good L

Change. Another seemingly impossible feat – Obama is the President elect for US! History in the making as a brotha’ is set to ‘change’ the United States of America.

Destressed! We take a trip to Kashid, a beautiful beach near Mumbai, for a weekend. We lost our way (despite a very confident ‘Follow Me’ from Ranjith) only to find a better route! Have fun with the guys, drink lots of beer, took in some sea, and were back at work.

Troubleshooting… Google talk is blocked by the new firewall at work. Plunges my workplace into productivity! Suddenly the only thing you can do is work… I am not affected (let’s just say that you need to keep your tech guys happy) but Anu is devastated. Sort out the issue for her while Prats rediscovers me and urges me to do something about Anu’s GTalk. We all miss Prats…

I hope to not put y’all through another of these litanies. So, I’ll try and blog regularly (or intermittently at worst). ‘RESTECP’ to all who’ve still found this page! Be good and be safe…

Sorry... gotta rush!

If you’re in the corporate world, you’ll never get enough of them! You hate being in one of them, but you’re always rushing from one to another. What is it about them that always draws people to it like flies to a flame? And why is the corporate world so obsessive-compulsive about it? No one word in the office evokes such a wide plethora of emotions as this one. This post is dedicated to this monument of management. Meetings – The favorite management pastime!

The question, “What is a meeting?” is yet to be answered. Though most of us have been in one, none of us can really explain it. But this enigma continues to thrive in the corporate world. A tougher question yet is, “Why do I have to be a part of a meeting?” and the generally acceptable answer is, “Because my boss is bored” or, “Someone needs to feel important” or even “Damned if I knew! I’ve been attending this since the time I moved in”. I shall try and clarify my understanding and you could also help me out here…

What is a meeting? Hmmm… A meeting is a form of expression. I endeavor to generalize a few validations for an interaction to be counted as a meeting:

It requires more than one person. It would be silly to announce, “I am going to meet me”. If someone actually does that, this will lead to another meeting of his supervisors, peers, and anyone else interested to determine if the company can afford to institutionalize him.
More than one person speaks in a meeting. This is unless some people are allowed to speak at home.
A meeting has a specific agenda. This is a must. But there is no rule that the discussion has to be around it. You may call a meeting about growing attrition and end up with a heated discussion on the geopolitical scenario.
It is time-bound. Again flexible. People may come in about five minutes to the meeting (if its your boss, he’s on time, if it’s you, you have nothing better to do), five minutes into the meeting (again, if its your boss, he’s had something better to do and if it’s you, you need to be more punctual). Some people even rush in about the time things are getting wrapped up. Your level in the organization determines the attitude of the attendees.
You agree to meet again. This is mandatory and is the only rule that is sacrosanct. You have to carry on the flame.

You may have a meeting for many reasons:
Reviews: You made a collective commitment. If you’ve kept it, the review meeting is a happy event. Otherwise, you become the object of collective hostility and ridicule.
Projects: You decide to do something. You make a team with the hope that someone actually will know how to… You get together and fix responsibilities. This is generally followed by a review.
Goal Setting: You are bored. No one knows what is to be done. You call a meeting at an exotic location (preferably a resort), eat, drink make merry. You then come back and decide to hold a ‘project’ meeting for the same participants to achieve the objective.
Budgeting: The simplest! You have money; you meet and decide how to spend it. You don’t have money; you meet to find out who’s spending more.
Pre-Brief: An activity is planned; you meet to decide how to go about it. You lay down the ground rules and hope everyone sticks to it.
De-Brief: After an activity, you chat up to see how it went. Goes well with cocktails.
Appraisals: This is the only meeting you wish you never had to attend! You realize that your boss actually knows more that you do… at-least about what you’ve been asked to do.
Interviews: This process usually follows the appraisal. You need to replace someone that quit following an appraisal.
Exit Interviews: Almost as inevitable as the sunset. What comes in has to go out. An employee decides to leave; you want to know why. Bad decision. Now that s/he is leaving, they would generally speak their mind out about you and your organization, shattering a few beliefs.
Rituals: The most common variety held for about the same reason you celebrate Gandhi Jayanti. It’s been that way and I don’t want to be the one that changes it!

A meeting makes a manager and not the other way round. A manager is incomplete without a meeting. It’s like a smoker craving for a drag. And it requires no specific reason but to satisfy your need to feel important. And even though most people in a meeting can’t tell a pie-chart from their elbow, you keep a grim expression and keep nodding (for whatever reason). And I’m positive that most of you are reading this in between meetings or on your way to them. I know I’ve written this between (ahem… and during) them.

But I have to add that I love them. They amuse me no end. Especially the way some people behave! It’s as if their life force was derived from the amount of entertainment they unwittingly provide us. My work life would be a drag without meetings. I shamelessly admit that. So, in and out of meetings, I Keep Walking!

'Lift' kara de...

Work in a city? Have office in a multi-storeyed building? If you have answered 'Yes' to these questions, you will certainly empathize with this post and me!

One of the downsides of having to work in a multi-storeyed building is the elevator. You are so dependent on them. More than a utility, it is now a style statement, and even health clubs on the second floor have lift access! It is so much a part of our lives that we seldom give it its due. And just like we wrote in our essays in school, this marvel of technology comes at a price. For the technically inclined, to understand this world of elevators better, look here. I am also listing a few types that I've seen in my days.

The Grill - Apt name that originates from its 'see through' grill sliding doors. Very Spartan, with floor buttons inside and call buttons in the lobby. It don't matter whether you are going up or down. You control it when it comes to you. The commies could very well have designed it, because of its Socialist approach to passengers. First come, first served. May have ventilation and lighting. Much-preferred accessories are the buzzer (for amusement), a stop button (again for amusement), a liftman (depending on your mood for amusement or to test your patience), and graphic images warning people what will happen to their limbs if they are caught in the grill.

The Grill 2 – A bit superior than the grill with umpteen variations. Some have a voice command reminding you (not so politely) to ‘please close the door’ to an extremely irritating beep/alarm. These put the fear of God into the passenger and ensured that they behaved. This probably was the one that pioneered the fan in the cabin.

Gen 1 with sliding doors – These were quite the ‘in thing’ when they were launched. These doors opened and closed automatically! The doors were generally made of steel (that may or may not be painted) giving the passengers complete privacy. It inspired Steven Tyler to write a dedication to this monument of transport ‘Love in an elevator’. The automatic doors meant additional buttons to open and close the doors (again for amusement). This is the model that was here to stay.

Gen 2 with sliding doors – When we were introduces to the concept of safety, there were additional buttons and accessories added to the already growing list. On the outside, you have buttons for up and down, and inside, the alarm button and the telephone! I have learnt to truly appreciate this during my days in Gurgaon. The Power Cuts meant that the lifts used to be intermittently out of service and you were often out of service with the lift. You then press the alarm button, there are outcomes that vary from a beep, to a shrill bell, to an ambulance gone crazy. Someone comes on line and tells you to be calm and in a matter of a few minutes (ranging from 1 minute to about 20) you are rescued.

Gen 3 with sliding doors – This one is the typical elevator you can expect to find at work. It comes with air-conditioning, buttons that light up when pressed, bright lighting, video surveillance, random additional buttons… the works! I miss having a vending machine in there though…

Gen 4 with sliding doors – Minimal buttons inside. You press the floor you want to go to in the lobby, the console directs you to the car. Insides similar to the Gen 3 but without the floor buttons, depriving you of amusement.
High-speed elevators – Similar to the Gen 3, but with different cars to take for every 20 – 3- floors. You experience mild g-forces while riding it.

But one thing that never ceases to amaze me, is the ways the elevator can get to you! Especially when you have challenged co-passengers. I have listed a few that I’m sure you may have come across:

The ‘Severely Challenged’ – These are people with an average IQ below that of a snail. They press both (up and down) buttons in the lobby. A variation would be pressing the button corresponding to the opposite direction of desired travel. And no matter where they want to go, they always step in when the lift comes in.

The ‘Completely Confused’ – This includes some people from the first category too. These are the ones that have great difficulty in figuring out where to go. They get in, realize that the elevator is going in the opposite direction, and panic. They then try to get out on the next level and end up stalling your journey.

The ‘Outright Stupid’ – These, you can easily make out. They appear to be in a state of ‘zen’ in a lift. They act in slow motion and quite often end up getting on your nerves and on the wrong floor. The cycle then repeats, but it’s not your problem now :)

The ‘Harried Executive’ – flies in to the lobby, jets from one car to another, screaming on the phone, usually realizing his destination late. They get the same vibes from others that Osama gets from Bush.

The ‘Low Lives’ – Used in reference to people who get down between your floors and from where you caught the lift. They may belong to any category, but the idea is that they’ve slowed down your trip :(

The ‘Frequent Fliers’ – Gentle, benevolent beings, who use the lift at-least 8 times for round trips. Typical behavior for smokers, everything okay when you go downstairs, but reek of smoke on the way up.

The ‘Going Postals’ – Ordinary people who act in an extraordinary manner when confronted with any of the above. Behavior may range from being a ‘rebel without a cause’ (pressing all buttons on the elevator when they get off) to being abusive or violent.

The ‘Mere Mortals’ – The silent commuters who endure this trip day in and day out. Their co-workers regard them as ideal candidates that may ‘Go Postal’.

After writing this post, I now realize that I may have been responsible for the actions of some of the co-workers in my Gurgaon building. But knowing Gurgaon, I would not be surprised even if it is otherwise. Nevertheless, I Keep Walking :)