The Walkerashtra…

If there’s one thing I’ve learnt from the last 10 years, it is this: No one messes with a deluded man out to kill himself. At-least in India!

In the not so distant future, to be precise, on January 12, 2028 (providing the world survives 2012, of course), I shall form Walkerashtra, the 87,229,317^th state of the Republic on India.

And unlike the politicians of today, I shall gain approval by more persuasive means – eating unto death! Unlike fasting, eating has the additional advantage of flatulence, which has proved to be extremely effective in influencing others to not mess with you.

Walkerashtra will be created on one principle – absolute and unequivocal acceptance of its great leader – TheWalker (a la DPR Korea, the utopian society that my dear friend Max opened my eyes to). In the 120,178 sq.meters of Walkerashtra, there will be 7 statues of mine; and the entire population of 9 humans, 5 dogs, and other insects will sing songs in praise of my blog posts and my future as the unrivaled Godman.

The state animal will be a Labrador Retriever named Elvis ‘Popo’ Presley (in memory of our first dog), the state bird will be the mosquito (a homage to Kerala, my home state), and such. We shall rename every dog as either Tyson or Dopey, all trees will be called coconut trees, and each of the three street crossings will be called Walker Chowk!

My one-man state assembly, will pass a resolution to have ‘Walker’ included in the name of the airport that we share with 2,342 other states 45 miles away, and the railway station, 10 miles away, shared by 87. I too, shall collect state government taxes from all passing vehicles that have to cross about 217 states to travel 5 miles – a week-long road trip.

The central government is a sham by now, since coalitions are formed that get a majority every 7 minutes. I, personally shall be a part of at-least 3,956,317 coalitions, that were in power for a total of 187 hours – a new record, making me a national hero!

And that, my dear friends, will be the beginning to my world-domination plans. Boohaahaahaa…

The Fulltyu Addityu...

Well, I was going through the 2008 Indiblog awards site, and stumbled upon quite a few gems. In case you haven’t voted for your favorite site yet, please do so NOW.

And one thing I noticed was that quite a few of them lavish attention on India’s 1st Rockstar – Himesh Reshammiya!

I can understand that ‘Radio – It’s complicated’ has released and all that, but only when I stumbled upon this, did I understand the real magnitude of adulation that the man deserves. IMHO, this site should’ve been nominated for the best Indiblog humor site ever. Fuk that! It should be voted as the best site in the history of the internet… in the history of the universe. Believe me – It’s THAT funny.

As you look at pages and posts, you will understand the pain of a man whose only fault is his awesomeness. And seeing his movies, you realize that he believes in that too. He elevated self-worship to unheard-of levels in ‘Aap Ka Surroor – The Real Luv Story’. Then, it was ‘Karzzzz’. What both the movies had in common, other than supernosural vocals and the pouting rockstar, was that there are always multiple women who desire him. That is in addition to multitudes who adore him as God’s greatest gift to music and women.

So, I decided to undertake the ultimate sacrifice of scourging his fan-site to understand the reality behind this hysteria. I’ve spent some quality time reading posts and comments by people who should’ve never been near a pen or a computer in their lives… I hope that you will understand if I’m incoherent, but I’ll try my best.

The banner of the fansite reads: Welcome To… Himesh-Reshammiya.com - The No.1 fanClub Site of India’s 1st Rock Star. It is quickly followed by “Himesh Reshammiya India's 1st and No.1 Rockstar!”. The only lucid conclusion one can draw is that the author knows as much about rock as Himesh knows about modesty. Being a fan of rock myself, I take strong offence to his brand of music being associated with anything resembling rock. But I quickly check myself to refrain from bias and move on…

I move to the blog section and I was rewarded immediately with "Himesh-Reshammiya-grows-as-an-actor" type posts. The man himself commends his acting and his steady progress to the Oscars. But please check out the comments. Fans are being driven to despair criticizing the critics. Comments like -

• “i dnt think theres any freakin person on this planet who would write this movie off….but this is how things go….this is gonna happen again n again…. i cant take it anymore”,

• “I HAD WATCHEN FIRST SAY FIRST SHOW | IT WAS AN FANTASTIC EXPERIENCE | I LOVE THE MOVIE | HIMESH ROCK | BUT I WOULD LIKE TO REQUEST U ALL RESHAMMIYANS* TO PLZZZ KINDLY GO N WATCH Bcause THE COLLECTIONS ARE VERY POOR SO PLZZZZZZ KINDLY GO N WATCH N INCREASE THE COLLECTIONS OTHERWISE IT WOULD ALSO BE A FLOP”, “HR* RAWKzzz….n RADIO is the biggest blockbuster for me…”, and

• “HR* has untapped talent in this dept…..the way he connects with the emotion scenes is brilliant…” to the maniacal

• “I luv u Himeeeshhhh... U R d kyutest and most rocking rockstar”

- were there in plenty and I was wondering if people these days really believe in such stuff and blind devotion. According to me, there are only two people who are worthy of blind adoration – Mithunda and Rajni anna.

There are also other hilarious posts that deal with “Radio is for class, not mass audience” and “Himesh is preening, “I consider the music of Radio to be my best work to date. I’m proud of every song. But Mann Ka Radio is special. It has become the youth anthem in our country.”

Yeah right! I wonder if the ‘Classes’ will have the ‘Fulltyu Addityu’ to accept such path-breaking, genre defining cinema in this time and age – only time will tell. In the meantime, please read these reviews of Radio by the best bloggers in the business:

Indiequill and Greatbong.


*(Random Info: HR was Himesh Reshammiya’s name in Aap Ka Surroor, as the World’s greatest rockstar. And His fans refer to themselves as ‘Reshammiyans’. To the best of my knowledge, it is a conspiracy to malign the acronym for the most loved department of your organization.)

The Superpower Riseth…

“Every child is special, me was especially so.” - D-Man

Across ages and civilizations, great men and women have roamed the Earth with powers unlike any. Superman, Obama, Batman, Jet Li, Spiderman, Obama, James Bond, Barb Wire (ahem), Obama, Shaktiman, Rakhiji… These extraordinary (white) human beings (Superman is an exception because he is from Krypton. Really, come to think of it, even Darkman was a white guy*. ) were able to rise above the ordinary because they realized their true potential. As a professional who feeds his family teaching and training, I believe that every human has, indeed, a hidden power that makes them super.

My superpower is that I can watch the most excruciating programs and movies with ease. Something my wife has not come to terms with… yet! But one day, the world will know me as – D-Man! (Pronounced as Dee Minus Man).

The D- denotes the class of movies and programs I can endure. On my resume are masterpieces like Gunda, Deshdrohi, What’s your Rashee, Main hoon Na, Manos – the hand of fate, Rakhi ka Swayamvar, AAp ka Surroorrrr, Titanic, and then some. I can even watch the late-night infomercials that sell a range of products that can make you super like Nazar Pendants and Inflatable Sofas!

And like Superman has Kryptonite, I have Ronnie – my wife. The only one that stands between me and my superpower destiny! So, these days, while she is away in Delhi, I get to perfect my craft.

So Friday evening, it’s business as usual. I veg-out in front of my TV in search of new adventures, and to drop in on some old friends who’ve evolved during my absence. And oh boy, was I rewarded! Evil Grin

DPL – Dance Premier League – This is an attempt to divide the country with the two things that most of us Indians are very passionate about. Bollywood Dance and Cricket. The country is divided into five zones – North, East, South, West, and Central. There is also a representation from Pardesi Desis – the NRIs. These teams are pitted against one another in a show that redefines mediocrity. The lack of talent of the participants is rivaled only by the dumbness of the judges.

Terminal Velocity (in Hindi) – This was nowhere near the class of Spiderman-2 that I watched in Bhojpuri. Not even close. But the sight of Charlie Sheen speaking like a tapori makes you a believer in the parallel universe concept. Don’t miss the customary end-of-movie kiss scene where the VO artists demonstrate their ability to make chirping sounds. Classic!

Pati, Patni, aur Woh – The classic boring tale of an Indian household. Spiced up with angled stare-shots and cheap bollywood music to suit the context. Even Rakhiji's presence couldn't salvage this show. 'nuf said? Makes you long for a break like the end credits for a Himesh movie…

Big Boss Season 3 – Nothing more pitiful than the sight of Amitabh Bachhan trying to understand the psyche of the participants who’ve been kicked out. To my good fortune, this time was KRK or Kamal Rashid Khan – the star of the legendary Deshdrohi.

Ninja Pandav – I swear to God I am not kidding. I probably am the first superhero to do this, but I have attached photographic evidence. The pic also contains a synopsis of the program. I am not worthy to comment.

CID – A spoof of CSI. Chronicles the average day in the life of a crack investigation unit led by a constipated but hilarious ACP, and his team that comprises of politically-correct cross-section of people, religions, and personalities like a funny Catholic and an absent-minded coroner. Unlike the Bruckheimer production, you always have to slap the suspect (in true Indian police tradition) for him/her to confess. A must-see if you are a fan of CSI…

Bairi Piya – A soap that started off as a real-life depiction of farmer suicides. The TRPs showed that the audiences wanted to see this program as bad as Abhijeet Sawant’s next movie. The producers then turned this into a rich landlord and poor landless farmer’s daughter romance. TRPs soar, producers happy!

These were sprinkled with promos of soaps, and upcoming movies that include Himesbhai’s Radio. That hurt… But what really got me curious was the promo of a show that reveals details of your past life! I would’ve been willing to give my remote-wielding right arm to find out had it not been for Facebook. Coz I know that I was Einstein in my past life! Who’s your daddy now?

And if you think there are any more such programs I can test my endurance with, please suggest them. I need to know the limits to my superpower...

P.S.: Thanks Hyacie for motivating me to write. Encourages me to know that someone actually reads these…

Post P.S.: Don’t tell my wife…

*Post-Post P.S.: Gotcha! Shaktiman and Rakhiji are not white. But gimme a break…

The saga continues…

I have to confess… For a long time, I haven’t wanted to be addicted to a program so much. And I really don’t know why. The princess has surprised me with her humility (Like when she comforts an eliminated candidate by saying, ‘I hope you find someone better and more beautiful than me.’) and character (Staring down a contestant who hands her a Bacardi saying sum’ like, ‘The media has portrayed me as someone who is bold, but nothing is farther from the truth.’). I had tears trying to feel her pain. But at-least, the princess will ride away with a man who truly deserves her.

And no matter who wins (or is it loses), he TRULY deserves her. Help me understand this – there are guys who have wasted precious days of their life trying to get married to Rakhi Sawant, and that one of them is actually going to do that? Unreal!

I admit that in my 31 years, I have seen some pretty interesting things. I’ve seen a Bear ride a bicycle, an Elephant riding a tricycle, six sixes being hit in an over, Deccan Chargers winning the IPL, and then some. But I never imagined I’d live to see the day that Rakhi Sawant will act shy and coy!

Episode 3 was a (brace yourself) ‘Love Letter Reading Competition’. One dude’s idea about a love letter was to ask Rakhiji to challenge her suitors to sign legal papers. EVEN Rakhiji thought that it went too far. But Rakhiji heard all of them patiently and chose two guys. One for coffee and one for dinner. .. Oh and she went on record to say, “I have never been on a date, and I don’t know what happens on a date” (watch the embedded video 5:40). And by the end of it she was smitten by a fellow from Rishikesh. She also asked a dude something to the effect, ‘Can you believe that you are sitting across a table from ME?’.Now that’s humility (again). The other guy was a total loser because he chose to miss his sister’s wedding to be on a show that will test how low you can stoop to be with a mass of botox and silicon... I think he’s already proved that.

But the highlight of the show was when she voluntarily represented ALL women in India to say that 'All Indian women are housewives'. I bet the feminazis will go on a rampage against this... Like the guy who went with her on coffee says, 'Ek saath kitni khushi dogey mujhe? Mei ek aam insaan hoon.'? (Roughly translates into 'How much happiness will you give me, all at the same time? I am only human'.) I haven't been this entertained in a while...

A fairytale begins...

Rakhi Sawant’s Swayamwar!

Hosted by a sitcom star, the show takes the audience through the dreamy journey of a girl to find her one true love. There are 16 princes who are ready to face limitless eliminations to win the hand of the princess in marriage. They are ready to accept the challenge of a Swayamwar.

For the uninitiated, a Swayamwar is a ritual in which a bride chooses her husband from a group of hopefuls. Only in this case, it’s a diverse bunch ranging from a Haryanvi student to a Kashmiri police officer to an engineer from Delhi to a Canadian businessman to a Mumbaikar choreographer to what have you… And some of them even shut Rakhi up! Methinks the stage is set for the biggest reality show on Indian television. Ever!

Rakhi Sawant is considered the most obnoxious person on screen by people who haven’t seen Balkrishna in action. She changed the entertainment quotient of Indian television starting from her ‘Pardesia’ video, to her causing a riot in a police show, to single-handedly bumping up ratings for ‘Big Boss’, to publicly dumping her boyfriend on primetime. She has been there, done that.

Now, the lady wants to settle down to a ‘Happily Ever After’. So what does she do? Hold a Swayamwar! Not a good idea if you want people to change their notion that it is a publicity stunt.

This is a program I would recommend to anyone who can’t get enough of silly entertainment and for those whose taste range from bad to perverted. I switched it on out of morbid curiosity. And Man! Was I rewarded? (Best enjoyed when baked.)

The program is available on NDTV Imagine from 2100 – 2200, and is brought to you by Fem Bleach, Manforce Condoms, iPill emergency contraceptive, and the like.

Freedom of expression…

Freedom of expression is a concept that ranges from simple logic to complex legality. But the essence of the right is a person’s wish to speak freely. Now, as all fans of Spiderman are aware, ‘With great power comes great responsibility’ and the same goes for freedom of expression.

However, in most civilized societies (I await the results of the 2009 election before deciding where to classify India), this freedom excludes ‘Hate’ and ‘Offense’. It’s another debate as to what either of them mean… I mean, even in a simple household like mine, classics like ‘Goonda’, ‘Deshdrohi’, and the like are offensive to the missus, and movies like ‘Mamma Mia’ that makes me sick. (I bet Kamaal R Khan could own Meryl Streep and her flock of pansies any day... Bring it on!) This conflict of perception also happens when you inform the twit, whose car brushes yours, about your intentions for him and his dear ones… And when a packed crowd cheered Raj or Varun, there was a whole other crowd who s#at their pants! So, this conflict of perception is nothing new to us and we eperince it at various levels.

However, how do you react to something said under influence? Something said after you smoked(or whatever) something weird, but potent and then you are all of a sudden put on national television for comments? And you do not have time to grip facts or reality for that matter? Well I guess it would come out something like this, this, this, or this. (This guy Zaid Hamid never fails to crack me up!)

Cheers guys. I hope you too can share some more such stoner comedies… And I hope guys like him are not persecuted for their free speech or else we would lose some quality entertainment!

AWOL for 6 Weeks...

Well, what do I say? The financial year ends keeping most of us on our toes and the rest of us on the sidelines watching the fun. You guessed right about which group I belong to (wink).

The world’s changed quite a bit since Feb 17, ’09 (hint: my last post), and I thought I’d put in my two bits of how it’s affecting me…

Valentines Hang-over

You would’ve guessed it… The generous contributors to the ‘pink chaddi’ campaign who were discreet enough to write down their personal address and numbers on the couriers expecting a sari, are now flooded with obscene calls from the outfit’s workers. I’m not surprised at all! Moreover Muthalik plans to sue all contributors to the campaign for defamation. His logic: It is ‘perverted’. Hmmm… I wonder what could be more perverted than beating up hapless young women… I know: wearing chaddis! According to Ravi, a passionate fan of Muthalik, underwear is not a part of Indian culture. Now that makes us all ‘Christian Westerners’ don’t it? (Please see comment under: HELL WITH THE FREE CULTURE PROTOGANISTS.... HELL WITH PUB CULTURE by Ravi on 23 Feb 2009 on the second link)

Shift Focus

The Maharashtra government is planning to shift this year’s Ganesh Pooja celebrations to Kabul. This was keeping in mind the inability to provide adequate security for the event. The authorities decided on Kabul after extensive survey of ‘low risk’ cities around the world that ended with Kabul tied with Lahore and Baghdad. The samitis have already started contacting their donors and members to start processing their travel paper-work, growing beards, stitch burquas, and the like. Keeping in mind the taliban’s sensitivity to music, the crowds will have to use personal MP3 players. Each committee will post their music on the net where the devotees can download the playlist.

Of course this ain’t true (not for 2009 at-least)! But the IPL season 2 has definitely moved to South Africa citing similar reasons…

The Other Gandhi…

The obscurity of Varun Gandhi has come to an end. Everybody knows ‘the other Gandhi’ now. As the poster boy of the right-wing, he was ‘forced’ to deliver a hate speech against the Muslims by his political opponents. Or so says his mother Maneka Gandhi. Her reasoning? It is incorrect to file a case against him. However, you would be glad to know that Varun was unrepentant. This didn’t stop the UP government from slapping the NSA on him. As the biggest reality show in India hits the road, you can expect a lot more action…

Held Hostage

I was held hostage at home today from 08:00 to 11:15 by my maid. It was traumatizing to say the least. Ron’s in Mukhteshwar with Baba and Ma and that leaves me home alone for the next few days. So, I have to wait for the maid to do her thing before I leave for work. Praveen Pandit had come over last evening and (correct me if I’m wrong, Pandit) was ready for work for the first time (ever) at 08:00. But then, we were held prisoners by the maid who decided to make an appearance at 11:00. The sweltering Mumbai heat (that’s touching 41 degrees Centigrade or 106 F) didn’t add to the experience. I tried to keep Pandit pacified with a few cups of coffee and then tea, but that din’t seem to cheer him up either. Finally we drove to work at 11:15 blasting heavy metal and that seemed to do the trick.

Well, as you’ve read, it’s been quite eventful, the past couple of months. I've also watched Mithunda's Goonda, and similar poems on celluloid thanks to Ratul. But I plan to pick up a copy of NFS Undercover sometime soon to help things along for the next few days/weeks… Which means that my fingers may be too swollen to type the next post.

So, till next time, be cool guys and keep walking!

Looking for a new God…

Activists in some parts of the country are on the lookout for new Gods that have origins in their region. Our constitution gives us the right to freedom of religion, and the freedom to choose our own Gods to worship. So, why worship a God who is proven to be a ‘North Indian’? Lord Krishna is from Mathura (UP), Lord Rama is from Ayodhya (again UP)… When will the ‘Bhaiyyas’ stop trying to impose their culture on us? When they migrate to other states, why don’t they worship err… Lord… err… umm… See that's the problem (whatever it is).

Lord Shiva, Lord Ganesh, and Goddess Parvati are from Mount Kailash (China)… Oh! These Chinese I tell you… Always looking for ways to belittle India.

Jesus Christ is from Israel! Prophet Mohammed is from the UAE, Lord Buddha is from Nepal. So whom do 'we' turn to? Who will fight for 'our' region?

What we need is local culture to flourish and triumph. And for that we need local Gods. Gods like… ahem… well, we’ll figure that out later. After we figure out what our culture stands for. In the meantime, let’s start beating up all priests and devotees who throng to the temples of these ‘outsider’ Gods and send them back to where 'they' came from.

We shall then focus our efforts to seek a new God who is universal in appeal, but local in origin. A God that epitomizes ‘our’ culture. Using whose name we will create a new order. An order that demands that you can live here only if your ancestors had settled here (1000? Oops… 500? Umm… 100? Well…) X years ago. We shall communicate the value of X at a later date.

In the meantime, if you have suggestions for Gods that belong to ‘Our’ community, please send them across to me. Here’s a list of criteria that should match:
Should be male (that’s our culture)
Should be married (A cool God ought to have a consort...)
Should have delusions of adequacy (I am the best and stuff...)
Should have a plan for a ‘New World Order’ ('Our' world order)
Should be willing to wear a robe (A definite must!)
Should be willing to talk on length about nothing at all (about anything)
Should be able to create controversies (Publicity is important too)
Should have long, luxuriant hair (Image, people... Image)

Wait a sec! That’s got me all over it! Well, except for the last bit, but I can wear a wig or do something about it! So, what say folks? Shri Walkeshwar (for Maharashtra), Sriniwalker (for Andhra), Walkeran (for Kerala)… I’m ready, check me out! Meanwhile, you keep beating up outsiders…


P.S: Please forgive me for the quality of the image... But that's how I look :) And I didn't have time (or the know-how) to use anything other than 'Paint' :(

It’s back!

Another year has passed. With loads of excitement in store… People are already preparing for the big day and I can sense it all around me. The news about the unique way in which we celebrate this great day has reached the world. I’m saddened that tourists are not making a beeline to India to watch us celebrate!

Scouting for spots where couples tryst has already started. Stores selling related merchandise have been identified. Banners, effigies, stones, rotten tomatoes, mulatto cocktails, swords, and other miscellanies have been stocked.

Yes… Valentines day is just around the corner!

Unlike the rest of the world, we celebrate the V-day with V for venom. As an Indian, I vehemently oppose the concept of Valentines Day. It is against our culture. It corrupts our new generation. And I am not alone. With me are myriad political parties, student unions, and social activism groups. Our cadres have infiltrated into the varied strata of society and are sniffing out events, parties, activities that the supporters of this satanic feast are organizing.

I say it is a conspiracy of the imperialists to corrupt our culture. We have never heard of people falling in love. Never has it happened in our great nation. The Taj Mahal – a man’s greatest erection for a woman – is only an exception to this. And what is all this hype about buying diamonds, chocolates and cards? Have you ever heard of any Indian in our glorious past dothis?

You may ask why I am so bitter. The answer is – I will be away from the one I love this V-day. And with me are people who have failed in love, who never have (the courage to) express their love, senior citizens who are envious that this never happened in their age and time. If We can't enjoy this day, why should we let anyone else? And we are joined by self-righteous propagators of the ‘Indian Culture’ who have to do this just to get elected and people who abhor spending money on their loved ones.

So I ask you – Have you ever failed in love? Do women avoid you like the plague? Do you secretly envy couples that fall in love? Do you think it is against your religion (or your interpretation of it)? If yes, come join me in this fight to save our culture (that’s the in-thing and that's what we'll call it). We shall pelt stones and tomatoes at shops, scare away couples, and burn effigies (of whom? The media shall decide that). But caution – Let’s stay away from the bigger organizations like star hotels, TV channels, etc. ‘cos they have security and may retaliate. Let’s just stick to the defenseless people, as they are the ones who need to be taught our culture.

I am including links to present and past activities of our clans that have recieved acclaim from the media.

Exhibit 1 - International acclaim
Exhibit 2 – Regional support
Exhibit 3 – Blast from the past
Exhibit 4 – Sisters in arms

So, what say? Meet at 4 PM tomorrow outside 'Archies Gallery' with our stockpiles? We should be joined by bored MNS and BSP activists whose leaders have been arrested too! Political mileage for this noble cause? Wow! Nothing like it :)

P.S.: Pic courtesy Times of India

Added on Feb 18, 2008:

Oops! I did go to Hyderabad to be with my Valentine afterall... So, please dismiss this post as a load of bullcrap!

A brave new world...

The Indian government has taken a huge step today. The legal age for marriage has been lowered to 18 years! And the age for sexual consent for girls has been increased to 16 years…

Regular readers of this blog will be aware that we had earlier proposed a minimum IQ level for men/women (oops… boys and girls now) to qualify for marriage. That either did not catch the eye of anyone in the panel or they would themselves score less than 80?

Being the socially active blog that this is, here are my two bits for the lawmakers to decide whom to let marry. (Considering the (mental) age of the audience, I would suggest a questionnaire with multiple choices.) This questionnaire is for boys (got it right this time) only.


Name:
Age:

1) Why do you want to get married?
a. To be a better man (like Sohail Khan in Aryan)
b. I am in love (Like all my heroes)
c. I am exercising my right to marry.
d. She wants to.

2) Whom do you want to marry?
a. My classmate.
b. My neighbor.
c. Hmmm…
d. Her.

3) Do you know her complete name? (Click here if it is a he.)
a. I call her Jaanu. That is enough for me.
b. I know her nickname.
c. Hmmm…
d. I’ll ask her.

4) Is the girl willing to marry you?
a. Is that necessary?
b. I have to ask her…
c. If no, what are my options?
d. That’s what she said.

5) Do your parents know about this?
a. I’ll surprise them!
b. They said no and that’s why I’m here.
c. They will never come to know (hee hee)
d. Whatever she says.

6) What do you do for a living?
a. Attend college
b. Social commentator (a politically correct name for a roadside romeo)
c. Eh?
d. Whatever she asks me to.

7) Would you be willing to work?
a. Why?
b. Work?
c. Hmmm…
d. If she is okay with it.

8) Do you plan to have children?
a. Yes.
b. How?
c. Why do you think I’m here?
d. I’ll have to ask her

9) Will you consider family planning?
a. I am planning a family already…
b. I am planning to tell my family…
c. Eh?
d. I’ll ask her what it means.

10) Have you heard of ‘contraceptives’? (I wish your parents had!)
a. 5 years ago!
b. Used it too.
c. Eh?
d. She will know.

No matter what the candidate answers, he still has the right to marry. That is the beauty of our great land! A land where juveniles have a license to marry and procreate. A future filled with jobless fathers and clueless mothers. An initiative to beat China at-least in population by 2015?

Or is it just another cruel joke that our lawmakers are playing on us? Well, it’s business as usual then!

New and improved...

Another Monday, another week. But this week, I feel I’ve become a smarter man. Or should I say, "New and Improved"? I was at home from Friday evening till Monday morning, playing Need For Speed with a vengeance. I must confess here that I have a need to be constantly amused and/or entertained. So, the telly is on to help me tide over the times where the races load or when the police bust me :(

And, the only thing you end up watching on the telly are the advertisements. I have written posts on how dumb these could be, even had a category called ‘WTF award for advertising excellence’. I feel guilty now. I realized that in their own way, these ads teach us so much about the world around us, and life in general. Don’t believe me? Check this small list I complied over the weekend:

‘Jab baal ho jaaye dry, toh dikhtey hain rookhey-sookhey.’ Literal meaning: When hair becomes dry, it looks dull and dry. Wow! Did you know that? Thanks to Parachute for that gem…

Eat Gold and Silver to increase vigor and intelligence! That is because scientists discovered that the kings of India were smart and healthy because they ate in Gold and Silver plates. And when ShahRukh Khan tells you that, you better listen! This is courtesy Himani.

‘You don’t have to be perfect when you look smart in Duke.’ I shall remember that always. Somehow, is a very weird way, it’s comforting. This wisdom was discovered by (the) Duke of ‘Ludhiana – The fashion hub of Punjab’ (Quoted from their website).

‘Brand nahi toh style nahi’ meaning, no brand, no style. Damn! Now that means that I’ll have to wear logo tees and stuff. Or, probably stitch the tags on someplace more conspicuous on my clothing. This tip thanks to Zeiss – the ‘branded spectacle lens manufacturer’.

‘Daag achhey hain’ which means, stains are good. My mom better read this and apologize! I’d brought home so many good things and all she ever gave me in return were immobilizing stares and scolding. Why wasn’t Surf invented then?

‘Thinking is such a waste of time’, this from the Hero Honda CBZ Extreme ad. I can totally relate to this having stayed in Gurgaon for two (excruciating) months. The ad guys were probably impressed by the people around the plant (in Gurgaon), they waste no time at all. Ever!

Well, these are just a few of the things I’ve learnt and can immediately recollect. In addition to this, you also get to know a lot of other ways in which people live in the world around us. Like:

Pet crocs addicted to candy (Alpenliebe)
Choco-wafers that make you chase dogs (new Perk)
Sodas that offer levitation (Fanta)
Deos that bring hot, long dead mummies to life (Axe)
Mobile phones that may be used as weapons (Moto Razr 2)
Holidays that get you laid (White Mischief)
Solution to power-cuts (Happydent)
Mints to make you smarter (Minto Fresh)

The list is endless… So, the next time you are watching your favorite program on TV, don’t switch channels during the commercial breaks. You never know what you’ll be missing! So guys, keep watching and Keep Walking :)

Is this how we treat LEGENDS?

There are some pieces of news we don’t need to know about. Like about the monkey who climbed atop the banyan tree near the congress HQ. Like I give a monkey’s @ss! Or what about the ‘breaking news’ that claims, “Himesh Reshammiya says he is the best”? I don’t give an eff… but, there is some sort of a feel good factor when these take the prime time news and loop for hours on end – Nothing worse has happened. And that’s a good feeling. No bombings, murders, suicide attacks… the world is a better place.

A similar “Breaking News” was aired on some national news channels this morning. “Manoj Kumar will file a defamation suit against Shah Rukh (SRK) and Farah Khan”. Hyper excited newscasters, breathless reporters on the field, viewers calling in… the usual. And all this for what? Well, you gotta believe me when I say this – Manoj Kumar (MK) hurt his soul while watching Om Shanti Om (OSO)! He said (verbatim), “Meri aatma ko ghaat pahunchi hai”, when he saw himself being imitated on screen.

Manoj who? Well… a long, long time ago, there was this actor who was renowned for his patriotic theme films. He was nicknamed Mr Bharat! His last hit was before I reached the age of reason, so you may read more about him here.

So, here’s the man, who has helped India define her values and culture, teach us something new. Respect. (Do not confuse this with the higher end r-e-s-t-e-c-p of Ali G.) MK was rather slow to react to his portrayal on OSO where his trademark style of covering his face is parodied, and the guard/usher at a movie theatre does not recognize him (in the movie). And… well that’s it, but HOW DARE THEY! SRK, what got into you? How could you even think that a caricature of MK? You might have been encouraged by parodies on heads of state, (B/H/T/K)ollywood legends, Even Gods. But MK? No effin way!

And Farah Khan what the FarahKhan were YOU thinking? That you could even in your dreams, imagine MK not being recognized even by a new-born? That too in a movie? Ha! So what if he’s not as popular as Big B, Rajnikanth, Mithunda, Chiranjeevi, Feroz Khan, Salman Khan, Anil Kapoor, Akshay Kumar, Amjad Khan, Rajpal Yadav, Aditya Chopra, Himesh, Rakhee Sawant, etc.? He is the legend - MK. We didn’t expect this from you.

And to the rest of the Bollywood fraternity – Never ever use your hands to cover your face! Ever! Even though he has not patented it, it will not go unnoticed or unpunished. There are some people who are beyond ridicule and if you dare imitate, parody, caricature, whatever… them, woe betide you! Now our very own MK joins the revered group of people who do not accept any form of jokes, criticism, or comments about them or what they stand for.

Welcome, Mr Manoj Kumar, to the august company of Osama bin Laden, Fidel Castro, Saddam Hussein, and the likes, against whom, free speech is punishable. And dear MK, thank you for setting the bar high for Bharat. Let the world know, we do not take any bullcrap about ourselves!


P.S.: I have not seen OSO nor do I intend seeing it till it probably comes on TV. But the graphic detail in which the reporters explained the scenes to me on the telly made my heart stop! Revolting I say… How could somebody cover his face when only Manoj Kumar could do it? And how dare they have a dupe for Manoj Kumar? And worst of all, how did the gap in the screenplay where the watchman refuses to acknowledge Manoj Kumar go unnoticed? I am appalled!

HR award for superlative humility…

“Where there is faith, there is no fear”

This award honors individuals for their audacious belief in themselves or their causes (which they invariably link back to themselves)…Great men and women, who have made bold remarks, outrageous suggestions, amazing deeds… Just like HR (sorry Human Resource folks, I’m talking about the one and only HR – Himesh Reshammiya)!

Love, they say, makes you do things you never thought possible. And only when you love someone, do you realize its strength. Shah Jehan built the Taj Mahal for his wife, Bhagat Singh laid down his life for his country, and HR makes a movie – ‘Aap ka suroor’… For himself. Alas! Only if people loved each other even with a trillionth of HR’s love for himself, the world would’ve been such a wonderful place. But hey! This post is not about HR… I’m just drawing inspiration from him for this award category. And your nominees are:

K Karunanidhi – The Chief Minister of Tamilnadu, India.
Senility has done many things to many people, but not what it has done to our man… He questions the beliefs of a billion-strong nation based on his expert understanding of religion. More on this old geezer here.

Osama Bin Laden – The savior of the world (from the capitalist American pigs)!
Self-belief is good, very good. Better if you are leading a legion of misguided zealots who are willing to kill for ‘your’ cause. And over a period of time, this belief manifests into reality and all you see around you is what you believed in… OBL’s call for the US to convert to Islam is in itself, a lesson in humility. He has also donned the mantle of peace with his assortment of causes. Do I see a Nobel peace prize on its way?

Pervez Musharraf – The only good thing to happen to Pakistan after al Qaeeda.
Mush has contested and won elections in Pakistan. The landslide victory, he claims is a tribute to democracy. The others are crying foul, but little do they know that this victory was as tough for Mush as a 100-meter dash with your hands tied… alone, of course! Even his ally OBL has expressed his concern over his victory.

So, who is it going to be this time? I agree that none of these nominations can compare with SuperHR as far as their humility goes, but you tell me who is second best! As usual, you need to click on your choice and hit the submit button. And then you could use the comments section to share your insights and suggest further categori.

Keep Walking (and voting) folks...

(Thanks to GreatBong for the piece on Aap Ka Suroor)

Announcing The Walker Awards For Excellence

And the award goes to…

Well, here’s a series of Awards being instituted by ‘Keep Walking’. The inspiration comes from the famous Darwin Awards. These awards, “honour people who ensure the long-term survival of the human race by removing themselves from the gene pool in a sublimely idiotic fashion.” Click here for the Wikipedia article.

The modus operandi is pretty simple. I shall nominate up to four (or maybe more) entries, and the winner will be decided by a poll online (not SMS). You may suggest both award categories and nominations in the comments section. The post will be updated to include popular entries and the poll results close in a week. All original entries shall be acknowledged :)

The categories could include anything under the sun as long it is stupid enough. Movies, books, TV Series, websites, politics, celebrities… anything! For, if there’s one constant in the human race, it’s stupidity. And it never ceases to amaze you! Some people go through extreme hardships to prove it, some are natural. But they walk among us, indistinguishable from others until the inevitable…

Sad, Misleading Scams…

Who will win? SMS IND or AUS to…
Who will be the next Indian Idol? SMS your choice…
To wish Musharaff on his birthday, SMS your message to…
Who will be the next contestant to be ousted? SMS your option…

Like I care! But it seems that quite a lot of us do… Just look at the number of people who send in their entries for such asinine stuff! All the while, it’s the (media) producers and the mobile operators who laugh all their way to the banks! When will the ‘blue billion’ realize that it is a rip-off?

And what is the guarantee that the SMS polls are actually used to determine the winner. Take the case of Abhijit Sawant. Gimme a break! Do you actually think that millions of Indians wanted this loser to be our ‘Idol’? Preposterous! The only poll that someone like him could hope to win is “Do you want this guy out of your face?” kinds. Let’s face it; we Indians determine winners on the basis of many factors, talent NOT being one of them. Case in point: ALL your talent shows! For a perspective, Indial Idol 3, about 700 million SMSes poured in. And an average premium SMS ranges from Rs 3 to Rs 10… you do the math!

The news channels have adapted this trend too! Apparently, it’s too good a gravy train to miss… And as a rule, if your audience thinks so, it has to be true! Talking about how responsible our media is, take a look at Ravi’s post. We are, however, discussing the oh-so-gullible Indian masses and SMSes here. And all the masala associated with it.

The premium SMS service, as I’ve already said, brings in obscene money for the operators. I don’t believe the operators when they say that the audience does not mind these rates. It’s like Musharraf claiming that Nawaz Sharif wanted a holiday in Saudi! But no matter how expensive, that does not deter bored aunties from voting (and gathering on streets) to show their support. Talking about aunties, I recently came to know that the soaps are also going the SMS way! No, I’m not talking just about the ‘SMS KSKBT to... to set it as your ring tone’ variety (dayum!) but these days, you can SMS options for the storyline… Possibly something like, “What do you want Tulsi to do next?”
A: Stare him down for a further 10 minutes
B: Cry in her trademark ‘constipated or sneezy’ style
C: Give a lecture on morality that would make Osama Bin Laden squirm
D: Cut scene, show someone else cheating on someone else
Send your option A, B, C, or D to….
That is the cue that our aunties wait for, and they get into SMSing frenzy! And the Ekta Kapoors of the world don’t even need ad revenue!

I tried an SMS poll once. Something to do with the World Cup 2007, I believe… Sent in my entry, got a reply to choose another option, and another and another till I gave up! Patience was never one of my virtues. But I fail to understand how people get hooked on to it and send away all their extra money to the ‘deserving’ producers and mobile operators. How selfless! Well, I don’t belong to that category. I just Keep Walking…


P.S.: To join the rally against SMS scams, Type F*** You on your mobile phone and send it to...

National Shame?

It always comes back to this. The Indian cricket team lost today at Baroda... extremely, extremely, shamefully! I was expecting this, to be honest after the T20 hysteria. We are like this only...

However, what got to me early, were the commentators on DD National. They had invited a dumb-looking 'expert' commentator, who was going on and on about how India is sure to make 350 plus on this dream batsman's pitch. He opined that this was the sort of pitch that bowlers had nightmares about (or something like that). I was as usual, running around trying to finish my morning chores and get to work, so the volume was turned up and I could hear him being egged on by two equally insipid hosts who thought he was the cat's whiskers...

After the toss, this dude seemed to be on the seventh heaven and suggested that it was a sign from above! Well, it didn't take him too long to change his views. Within a few minutes (a few wickets later), he went on to say that this is the 'perfect bowler's pitch and that the batsmen were sure to face hell. The equally asinine co-commentator agreed only too enthusiastically! I was getting extremely amused by this chap! Alas, I valued my job more and that overcame my need for 'morbid amusement'.

I later heard that we were bundled out for 148! I thought to myself, hmm... that dude could've been right. The next I heard was that the OZs beat us pants down, with 9 wickets and about 25 more overs to spare! I thought to myself again, hmm... that dude could still have been right. Now that's what I call an opinion for all occasions! Attaboy!! He should've been in politics... Kumaraswamy seems to be the only 'true blue' politician who has the courage to go back on his words and keep the tradition alive... (Post Nayanar, but of course)

Rather than having such morons on air commentating, we should have them in the team. They would at-least (serve as 'nazar-tattoos?' and) help to ward off the evil eye on our team... The least that these types do are to act like a bad omen. Mandira Bedi did that to the Men in Blue during WC 2003. At least have good-looking people for Chrissakes!

But you got to give credit to our boys as well... We shine where there's no light. Our batsmen create perfect bowling wickets, and our bowlers make the ultimate batting wickets out of nowhere!

No wonder, there are some people (like me) who feel quite strongly about it. Hell who wouldn't? Out of about a dozen countries that play the game, can't we still be the best? All our sponsorships in sports are directed there! So, what do people like me do? We 'adapt' or 'internalize' jokes to suit the need of the hour! Here's one:

A primary teacher explains to her class that she is a fan of the Indian cricket team. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are fans of the Indian cricket team. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little boy. (Obviously Chhottu)
The teacher looks at Chhottu with surprise and says, "Chhottu, why didn't you raise your hand?"
"Because I'm not a fan of the Indian cricket team," he replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked, "Well, if you are not a fan of the Indian cricket team, then who are you a fan of?"
"I am a fan of the Australian cricket team, and proud of it," he replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears. "Chhottu, why, pray tell, are you a a fan of the Australian cricket team?"
"Because my mum and my dad are OZ cricket fans, so I'm a fan of the Australian cricket team too!"
"Well," said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, "that is no reason for you to be a OZ cricket fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time... What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?"

"Then," said Chhottu, "I'd be a fan of the Indian cricket team."

Now, that's a boy who's bound to Keep Walking :)

Sorry... gotta rush!

If you’re in the corporate world, you’ll never get enough of them! You hate being in one of them, but you’re always rushing from one to another. What is it about them that always draws people to it like flies to a flame? And why is the corporate world so obsessive-compulsive about it? No one word in the office evokes such a wide plethora of emotions as this one. This post is dedicated to this monument of management. Meetings – The favorite management pastime!

The question, “What is a meeting?” is yet to be answered. Though most of us have been in one, none of us can really explain it. But this enigma continues to thrive in the corporate world. A tougher question yet is, “Why do I have to be a part of a meeting?” and the generally acceptable answer is, “Because my boss is bored” or, “Someone needs to feel important” or even “Damned if I knew! I’ve been attending this since the time I moved in”. I shall try and clarify my understanding and you could also help me out here…

What is a meeting? Hmmm… A meeting is a form of expression. I endeavor to generalize a few validations for an interaction to be counted as a meeting:

It requires more than one person. It would be silly to announce, “I am going to meet me”. If someone actually does that, this will lead to another meeting of his supervisors, peers, and anyone else interested to determine if the company can afford to institutionalize him.
More than one person speaks in a meeting. This is unless some people are allowed to speak at home.
A meeting has a specific agenda. This is a must. But there is no rule that the discussion has to be around it. You may call a meeting about growing attrition and end up with a heated discussion on the geopolitical scenario.
It is time-bound. Again flexible. People may come in about five minutes to the meeting (if its your boss, he’s on time, if it’s you, you have nothing better to do), five minutes into the meeting (again, if its your boss, he’s had something better to do and if it’s you, you need to be more punctual). Some people even rush in about the time things are getting wrapped up. Your level in the organization determines the attitude of the attendees.
You agree to meet again. This is mandatory and is the only rule that is sacrosanct. You have to carry on the flame.

You may have a meeting for many reasons:
Reviews: You made a collective commitment. If you’ve kept it, the review meeting is a happy event. Otherwise, you become the object of collective hostility and ridicule.
Projects: You decide to do something. You make a team with the hope that someone actually will know how to… You get together and fix responsibilities. This is generally followed by a review.
Goal Setting: You are bored. No one knows what is to be done. You call a meeting at an exotic location (preferably a resort), eat, drink make merry. You then come back and decide to hold a ‘project’ meeting for the same participants to achieve the objective.
Budgeting: The simplest! You have money; you meet and decide how to spend it. You don’t have money; you meet to find out who’s spending more.
Pre-Brief: An activity is planned; you meet to decide how to go about it. You lay down the ground rules and hope everyone sticks to it.
De-Brief: After an activity, you chat up to see how it went. Goes well with cocktails.
Appraisals: This is the only meeting you wish you never had to attend! You realize that your boss actually knows more that you do… at-least about what you’ve been asked to do.
Interviews: This process usually follows the appraisal. You need to replace someone that quit following an appraisal.
Exit Interviews: Almost as inevitable as the sunset. What comes in has to go out. An employee decides to leave; you want to know why. Bad decision. Now that s/he is leaving, they would generally speak their mind out about you and your organization, shattering a few beliefs.
Rituals: The most common variety held for about the same reason you celebrate Gandhi Jayanti. It’s been that way and I don’t want to be the one that changes it!

A meeting makes a manager and not the other way round. A manager is incomplete without a meeting. It’s like a smoker craving for a drag. And it requires no specific reason but to satisfy your need to feel important. And even though most people in a meeting can’t tell a pie-chart from their elbow, you keep a grim expression and keep nodding (for whatever reason). And I’m positive that most of you are reading this in between meetings or on your way to them. I know I’ve written this between (ahem… and during) them.

But I have to add that I love them. They amuse me no end. Especially the way some people behave! It’s as if their life force was derived from the amount of entertainment they unwittingly provide us. My work life would be a drag without meetings. I shamelessly admit that. So, in and out of meetings, I Keep Walking!

'Lift' kara de...

Work in a city? Have office in a multi-storeyed building? If you have answered 'Yes' to these questions, you will certainly empathize with this post and me!

One of the downsides of having to work in a multi-storeyed building is the elevator. You are so dependent on them. More than a utility, it is now a style statement, and even health clubs on the second floor have lift access! It is so much a part of our lives that we seldom give it its due. And just like we wrote in our essays in school, this marvel of technology comes at a price. For the technically inclined, to understand this world of elevators better, look here. I am also listing a few types that I've seen in my days.

The Grill - Apt name that originates from its 'see through' grill sliding doors. Very Spartan, with floor buttons inside and call buttons in the lobby. It don't matter whether you are going up or down. You control it when it comes to you. The commies could very well have designed it, because of its Socialist approach to passengers. First come, first served. May have ventilation and lighting. Much-preferred accessories are the buzzer (for amusement), a stop button (again for amusement), a liftman (depending on your mood for amusement or to test your patience), and graphic images warning people what will happen to their limbs if they are caught in the grill.

The Grill 2 – A bit superior than the grill with umpteen variations. Some have a voice command reminding you (not so politely) to ‘please close the door’ to an extremely irritating beep/alarm. These put the fear of God into the passenger and ensured that they behaved. This probably was the one that pioneered the fan in the cabin.

Gen 1 with sliding doors – These were quite the ‘in thing’ when they were launched. These doors opened and closed automatically! The doors were generally made of steel (that may or may not be painted) giving the passengers complete privacy. It inspired Steven Tyler to write a dedication to this monument of transport ‘Love in an elevator’. The automatic doors meant additional buttons to open and close the doors (again for amusement). This is the model that was here to stay.

Gen 2 with sliding doors – When we were introduces to the concept of safety, there were additional buttons and accessories added to the already growing list. On the outside, you have buttons for up and down, and inside, the alarm button and the telephone! I have learnt to truly appreciate this during my days in Gurgaon. The Power Cuts meant that the lifts used to be intermittently out of service and you were often out of service with the lift. You then press the alarm button, there are outcomes that vary from a beep, to a shrill bell, to an ambulance gone crazy. Someone comes on line and tells you to be calm and in a matter of a few minutes (ranging from 1 minute to about 20) you are rescued.

Gen 3 with sliding doors – This one is the typical elevator you can expect to find at work. It comes with air-conditioning, buttons that light up when pressed, bright lighting, video surveillance, random additional buttons… the works! I miss having a vending machine in there though…

Gen 4 with sliding doors – Minimal buttons inside. You press the floor you want to go to in the lobby, the console directs you to the car. Insides similar to the Gen 3 but without the floor buttons, depriving you of amusement.
High-speed elevators – Similar to the Gen 3, but with different cars to take for every 20 – 3- floors. You experience mild g-forces while riding it.

But one thing that never ceases to amaze me, is the ways the elevator can get to you! Especially when you have challenged co-passengers. I have listed a few that I’m sure you may have come across:

The ‘Severely Challenged’ – These are people with an average IQ below that of a snail. They press both (up and down) buttons in the lobby. A variation would be pressing the button corresponding to the opposite direction of desired travel. And no matter where they want to go, they always step in when the lift comes in.

The ‘Completely Confused’ – This includes some people from the first category too. These are the ones that have great difficulty in figuring out where to go. They get in, realize that the elevator is going in the opposite direction, and panic. They then try to get out on the next level and end up stalling your journey.

The ‘Outright Stupid’ – These, you can easily make out. They appear to be in a state of ‘zen’ in a lift. They act in slow motion and quite often end up getting on your nerves and on the wrong floor. The cycle then repeats, but it’s not your problem now :)

The ‘Harried Executive’ – flies in to the lobby, jets from one car to another, screaming on the phone, usually realizing his destination late. They get the same vibes from others that Osama gets from Bush.

The ‘Low Lives’ – Used in reference to people who get down between your floors and from where you caught the lift. They may belong to any category, but the idea is that they’ve slowed down your trip :(

The ‘Frequent Fliers’ – Gentle, benevolent beings, who use the lift at-least 8 times for round trips. Typical behavior for smokers, everything okay when you go downstairs, but reek of smoke on the way up.

The ‘Going Postals’ – Ordinary people who act in an extraordinary manner when confronted with any of the above. Behavior may range from being a ‘rebel without a cause’ (pressing all buttons on the elevator when they get off) to being abusive or violent.

The ‘Mere Mortals’ – The silent commuters who endure this trip day in and day out. Their co-workers regard them as ideal candidates that may ‘Go Postal’.

After writing this post, I now realize that I may have been responsible for the actions of some of the co-workers in my Gurgaon building. But knowing Gurgaon, I would not be surprised even if it is otherwise. Nevertheless, I Keep Walking :)