Indian Putrid League…

Q: What happens when a petty dimwit, who leads a hugely successful franchise, faces off with a suave lobbyist?

A: Crap hits the fan!

Welcome dear friends to a side-act that seems to be dominating India’s richest circus – Indian Premier League. IPL, as it is better known, started as an idea by the Indian cricketing legend Kapil Dev, to hone the cricketing talent of the country. At a time when India’s cricketing board considered T20, the shortest format of the game to be just a fad, Kapil Dev created the Indian Cricket League (ICL) with private sponsors. The event was an instant success for the cricket-hungry nation with international players mentoring upcoming Indian cricketers and enthralling crazed fans.

Enter Lalit Modi, who convinces the BCCI (Indian Cricket Board) that with the Indian team winning the 2007 T20 world cup, the fad is here to stay. For a plan to cash-in on the rush, Lalit Modi revisits the ICL plan, Cntrl+A, Cntrl+X, Cntrl+V. Viola! IPL is born. He then resorts to the cheap tactic of banning all Indian players in the ICL from representing the country. Trivializes Kapil Dev’s efforts and gets the ICC (International Cricketing Council) to discredit the ICL. What happens to ICL? Shift+Del!

What followed were two hugely successful seasons that cashed in on two evergreen passions of the Indian Man – Cricket and White Babes. The IPL wants more and invites bids for two new teams. Team Pune and Team Kochi offer whopping amounts of USD 350M and USD 333M for their teams, and win the bid. The Kochi bid is put together by Rendezvous sports, a bunch of unrelated parties brought together by Dr. Shashi Tharoor, an erudite politician from Trivandrum. Suddenly, something.

What follows is a developing story and the plot, sub-plots, characters, locales, and political affiliations will change. Continuously, randomly.

Act 1. The Kochi franchise’s papers are returned, citing lack of paperwork as the reason. As any Indian will know, the next logical thing is to slip a fiver into the babu’s pocket. The franchise, rather than slipping a fiver in the pocket, spends time, money, and energy in compiling paperwork.

Act 2. Modi tweets about irregularities in the partnership and attacks Shashi Tharoor personally, and insinuating his financial interest in the franchise. He also confesses to having received a call from Tharoor asking him to ‘back off’ from the scrutiny of the Kochi team’s papers.

Act 3. Dr Tharoor tweets ‘I’ve had enough” and issues a press release. He refrains from any personal attacks, but his aides and confidants do not. They publish Modi’s past in the US as a cocaine peddler, kidnapper, and assaulter. (?!)

Act 4. The Kochi team challenges Modi to disclose the ownership patterns of all teams. This supposedly caused a minor tremor in Lahore, where the ‘Bhai’ is living off ISI’s money and hospitality. (Any Indian company is only legitimate if the ‘Bhai’ has a stake in it.) Tharoor receives a threat SMS from the ‘Bhai’ (which will be eventually traced to some wannabe dumfuk) and his security is beefed up.

Act 5. Another disclosure linking Modi to a model and a probable casting pitch(?) scandal raises eyebrows. Modi is asked by the BCCI to stop tweeting and not make further comments (till they receive their share?) until the matter is sorted.

Act 6. BJP demands Tharoor’s resignation. (Again, this is the only logical conclusion for any problem.)

Update: April 18, 2010

Tharoor quits his post as a minister in the external affairs ministry.

Update: April 21, 2010

The BCCI and IPL governing council suggest Modi's exit. The defiant Modi refuses to go down

Disclaimer: My being a Mallu doesn’t necessarily mean that I am a fan of Tharoor by default. I honestly think that he should quit politics, since the political scene is not yet ready for a class act like him. IMO, it is his skill as a lobbyist that put a motley crew together to bid for a team. Moreover, even in the unlikely event that he has a financial stake in the outfit, isn’t it better than having underworld connections and other assorted mafia links? I’m really curious to see how Modi will come out of this…

The Walkerashtra…

If there’s one thing I’ve learnt from the last 10 years, it is this: No one messes with a deluded man out to kill himself. At-least in India!

In the not so distant future, to be precise, on January 12, 2028 (providing the world survives 2012, of course), I shall form Walkerashtra, the 87,229,317^th state of the Republic on India.

And unlike the politicians of today, I shall gain approval by more persuasive means – eating unto death! Unlike fasting, eating has the additional advantage of flatulence, which has proved to be extremely effective in influencing others to not mess with you.

Walkerashtra will be created on one principle – absolute and unequivocal acceptance of its great leader – TheWalker (a la DPR Korea, the utopian society that my dear friend Max opened my eyes to). In the 120,178 sq.meters of Walkerashtra, there will be 7 statues of mine; and the entire population of 9 humans, 5 dogs, and other insects will sing songs in praise of my blog posts and my future as the unrivaled Godman.

The state animal will be a Labrador Retriever named Elvis ‘Popo’ Presley (in memory of our first dog), the state bird will be the mosquito (a homage to Kerala, my home state), and such. We shall rename every dog as either Tyson or Dopey, all trees will be called coconut trees, and each of the three street crossings will be called Walker Chowk!

My one-man state assembly, will pass a resolution to have ‘Walker’ included in the name of the airport that we share with 2,342 other states 45 miles away, and the railway station, 10 miles away, shared by 87. I too, shall collect state government taxes from all passing vehicles that have to cross about 217 states to travel 5 miles – a week-long road trip.

The central government is a sham by now, since coalitions are formed that get a majority every 7 minutes. I, personally shall be a part of at-least 3,956,317 coalitions, that were in power for a total of 187 hours – a new record, making me a national hero!

And that, my dear friends, will be the beginning to my world-domination plans. Boohaahaahaa…

I Stay...

Cartoon by Ayan

Well guys, now that I’ve decided not to emigrate to the seemingly greener and safer pastures in Afghanistan or SWAT, I’m returning to my page.

Those of you following the greatest democratic mandate in the world would agree with me that before the counting began on May 16, the future seemed pretty bleak. The prospects of a third front, or possibly even a fourth front coming to power looked inevitable. Imagine the depths that a Prime Minister like Mayawati could have led us to… (shudder!) That was when I seriously thought about migration to a place that would be safer, less corrupt, and with some prospects of earning honest bucks. Like somewhere in the SWAT valley or Afghanistan...

Somebody like Mayawati (and we do not have any dearth of such politicians) could have turned this country into a UP-like state of lawlessness and apathy! (Anybody who has visited UP in the last couple of years will understand what I'm saying here.) And we would have little option , but to move to more developed centers to earn a living... Imagine a son-of-the-soil leader in Pak styled on Raj Thakeray, rallying the masses and beating up 'bloody Indians' who come to Pakistan to steal their livelihood... Trust me, we weren't far... and that's what scared the Zardari out of me!

Thankfully after the counting, things looks good, with Dr Manmohan Singh continuing as the PM. Though I am not pro-party, I want a stable government with competent leaders. With talks of people like Montek Singh, PC, Rahul Gandhi, Shashi Tharoor getting cabinet seats this time, the country looks ahead to good times. The BSE shared the optimism this morning and rocketed to about 13,500 in just 3 minutes! For the first time in its history, the BSE hit its upper circuit. Trading was halted till 11:55 and then it hit the circuit again in 10 seconds flat!

I pray that the INC capitalizes on this wave and elevate the image of politics in India from the depths it is currently in, to at-least ground level. And I wish others would learn from the mandate and do something similar. And I hope that the people of India realoze that they need to play a more active role in governance.

AWOL for 6 Weeks...

Well, what do I say? The financial year ends keeping most of us on our toes and the rest of us on the sidelines watching the fun. You guessed right about which group I belong to (wink).

The world’s changed quite a bit since Feb 17, ’09 (hint: my last post), and I thought I’d put in my two bits of how it’s affecting me…

Valentines Hang-over

You would’ve guessed it… The generous contributors to the ‘pink chaddi’ campaign who were discreet enough to write down their personal address and numbers on the couriers expecting a sari, are now flooded with obscene calls from the outfit’s workers. I’m not surprised at all! Moreover Muthalik plans to sue all contributors to the campaign for defamation. His logic: It is ‘perverted’. Hmmm… I wonder what could be more perverted than beating up hapless young women… I know: wearing chaddis! According to Ravi, a passionate fan of Muthalik, underwear is not a part of Indian culture. Now that makes us all ‘Christian Westerners’ don’t it? (Please see comment under: HELL WITH THE FREE CULTURE PROTOGANISTS.... HELL WITH PUB CULTURE by Ravi on 23 Feb 2009 on the second link)

Shift Focus

The Maharashtra government is planning to shift this year’s Ganesh Pooja celebrations to Kabul. This was keeping in mind the inability to provide adequate security for the event. The authorities decided on Kabul after extensive survey of ‘low risk’ cities around the world that ended with Kabul tied with Lahore and Baghdad. The samitis have already started contacting their donors and members to start processing their travel paper-work, growing beards, stitch burquas, and the like. Keeping in mind the taliban’s sensitivity to music, the crowds will have to use personal MP3 players. Each committee will post their music on the net where the devotees can download the playlist.

Of course this ain’t true (not for 2009 at-least)! But the IPL season 2 has definitely moved to South Africa citing similar reasons…

The Other Gandhi…

The obscurity of Varun Gandhi has come to an end. Everybody knows ‘the other Gandhi’ now. As the poster boy of the right-wing, he was ‘forced’ to deliver a hate speech against the Muslims by his political opponents. Or so says his mother Maneka Gandhi. Her reasoning? It is incorrect to file a case against him. However, you would be glad to know that Varun was unrepentant. This didn’t stop the UP government from slapping the NSA on him. As the biggest reality show in India hits the road, you can expect a lot more action…

Held Hostage

I was held hostage at home today from 08:00 to 11:15 by my maid. It was traumatizing to say the least. Ron’s in Mukhteshwar with Baba and Ma and that leaves me home alone for the next few days. So, I have to wait for the maid to do her thing before I leave for work. Praveen Pandit had come over last evening and (correct me if I’m wrong, Pandit) was ready for work for the first time (ever) at 08:00. But then, we were held prisoners by the maid who decided to make an appearance at 11:00. The sweltering Mumbai heat (that’s touching 41 degrees Centigrade or 106 F) didn’t add to the experience. I tried to keep Pandit pacified with a few cups of coffee and then tea, but that din’t seem to cheer him up either. Finally we drove to work at 11:15 blasting heavy metal and that seemed to do the trick.

Well, as you’ve read, it’s been quite eventful, the past couple of months. I've also watched Mithunda's Goonda, and similar poems on celluloid thanks to Ratul. But I plan to pick up a copy of NFS Undercover sometime soon to help things along for the next few days/weeks… Which means that my fingers may be too swollen to type the next post.

So, till next time, be cool guys and keep walking!

Not the same old story…

Updated at 14:41 on Friday, Nov 28, '08...

On Wednesday evening, Chandu calls me to check if I’m okay and says that there has been some firing and a couple of blasts. I thank him for his concern and go to bed with “Some more blasts in town honey… Check the alarm, need to leave for work a bit early tomorrow. G’night.”

But yesterday, I realized that India will never be the same. As we saw the new face of terror - highly trained young men, motivated to kill for a perverse cause, held Mumbai to ransom for more than 40 hours…

I visited NDTV.com for some fresh news and what greeted me was, “Every now and again a player appears on the scene who will change the way the game is played.” That was the banner for RBS, but was so apt for the current situation. Comparisons to 9/11 and other similar attacks, to me, are erroneous. These are not suicide bombers itching to meet their maker. These are motivated, trained, and skilled young men who are out to kill by picking out their targets. They endure for hours on end, killing in abandon while the world watches.

I am not too optimistic about the future and this is why:

No support from the political quarter other than the vultures circling for their free bytes. The only message for them was: See, I am concerned, I love my country, I pay homage to the martyrs. If left to me, I would have been drinking their blood by now. Vote for me.

The Government still does not send out a strong message to the perps... Other than the promise to make them “pay a heavy cost”. The standard statement issued be it a pick-pocket or a terrorist. And to add to it, this is what the world has to say!

The armed forces were, obviously, not given a free hand. 16 terrorists can not hold the might of India’s armed forces. Not when the whole of Pakistan couldn’t hold them back for a few days when we kicked their asses all the way to Lahore in ’65 and after surrendering with more than a 100,000 troops in ‘71! No Way!

The Pak government is clueless at best (and conniving at worst). Despite capture of the terrorists, who claimed to be from Hyderabad while speaking in Punjabi accented Urdu – a clear indication of their origins, they still need evidence. The ex-chief if ISI, in condemning the attack, said that it was foolish if the Pak machinery was involved.

Despite a successful ‘dry-run’ of the crisis management plan, the benefit wasn’t evident. I would leave the post-mortem to the ‘experts’ and just say that I feel the need for a better, actionable, crisis management infrastructure.

My fellow countrymen preferred to go and gawk at the spectacle, causing immense inconvenience to the armed forces, rather than go to hospitals and donate blood…

The international community is apathetic at its best. Despite hard evidence, the west is still reluctant to admit Pak involvement. Musharraff jerked them off for sometime claiming to be an ally and no one knows whom the aid money actually funded…

The event received free publicity and there are probably thousands of young men and boys huddled in caves somewhere in Pakistan, wetting themselves with excitement, wishing hard that it was them, fantasizing that the next one will have them… And training for similar operations.

Our guardians fell to bullets despite wearing bullet-proof vests. When will we ever stop buying sub-par gear for the people who are willing to lay their lives down for us?

Paranoia seizes the nation as rumors of fresh firing at various places in Mumbai start spread like wildfire. Somebody’s idea of a joke has gone terribly wrong!

However, despite all this, there is still hope:
Brave men like Hemant Karkare, Ashok Kamte, Vijay Salaskar and their men, who laid their lives down for you and me. As I write, NSG commandos, MarCos, RAF, and other armed services personnel are in a fight to the finish.

We have captured their mother ship, found their boats, and apprehended terrorists in this short span. A tribute to our forces.

Stories of people who’ve shown maturity in the situation, and expressed their gratitude for the people who rescued them, rather than blame the system.

Authorities admitting intelligence failure and promising corrective action. I hope they do something at-least now.

And not the least, in contrast to point 6 above: My countrymen who wave their hands while the cameras pan, shout ‘Vande Mataram’ and ‘Bharat Mata ki Jai’ to cheer up the troops, hold a candle-light vigil for the martyrs, and such rather than be holed inside their homes.

No terrorist, no nation on earth can break the spirit of the people who live in this great country!

Who’s having a blast?

The terrorists, for one, and we all know that. I was wondering who else was having a good time in the country… (For the uninitiated, I’m referring to this piece of news.)

The Excise officials?
I’ve done a lot of driving across state (and district) borders. The check-nakas or border check posts that dot the borders of states and are meant to curb transport of items for which the state has not collected tax. So, while driving out of Goa many a times, my car has been checked thoroughly for a bottle of Scotch that I could’ve hidden. But the search stops the moment you shell out some money. On an average, about 200 rupees per bottle… So, how much would the guy at the check-post have pocketed to pass these explosive-laden cars? Or did he already meet his 'target' for the day and decided not to check?

The TV News channels?
I was shocked at the number of advertisements cut-in during the reports of the blasts at Ahmedabad. The products were (probably strategically) selected to suit the target audience (Gujaratis) who were anxiously watching the program. How low will our media go? Only time will tell. In the meantime, we shall watch footages of the blast victims with a soundtrack of some b-grade movie song suggesting tragic loss! Sad? I’m not sure, but it sure as s#!t ain’t funny. But your media doesn’t give a damn! They’re already having a blast and laughing all the way to the bank.

The Intelligence community?
Well, they ‘were’ having a blast till the actual blasts took place. Now the poor guys are being blamed for whatever has happened. C’mon now! They were probably the ones who were actually gathering ‘intelligence’ about activities around them. Now does it really matter what those activities were? They can do just this much in their 10 to 5 jobs (leave home at 10, come back at 5). And the moment they are about to close-in on a lead, dang! It’s lunch-time. Or whenever they can get some verifiable intelligence, the media gets the leak and splash it on TV. Ejaz bhai will no doubt be thanking the media for helping him get away on time!

The police?
What they lack in ‘intelligence’, they make up with imagination. Like blaming Dr Talwar for his daughter’s death and creating a story around it. I really have a feeling that a section of our cops get together and smoke some 's#!t' whenever appraised of a ‘situation’. Arresting the culprit in Ahmedabad the day after the blast? Ingenious! But the unfortunate thing is that not even a jehadi is stupid enough to hang around the blast site and survey his handiwork. He’d rather be half-way across the world for all he cares.

The politicians?
Well, for sure! The NDA is cashing in on the blasts and trying to sweep the no-confidence debacle under the carpet. The Congress is frothing at the mouth swearing vengeance at the perpetrators of these ‘acts of senseless violence against innocent persons’. Other political parties have also rallied to ‘condemn’ the ‘unfortunate incidents’. It's business as usual, with the opposition too glad that something covered up the NC motion.


The blogosphere?
Oh yes! People like me who write and you who read. We’d like to know more. I was going through a similar write-up on one of my favorite blogs and I found this comment. Now the question is how many of us would’ve actually made that phone call? The more difficult question is, ‘How many of us would’ve confronted them?’ I know only a few who would, but the others would let it slide. And then discuss with shock and disgust about the state of affairs.

The corporates?
Sitting on ‘ergonomically engineered’ chairs in climate controlled offices looking at monitors with radiation protection, these guys (me included) cry hoarse at the UPA govt. revoking the POTA and other issues that are important. We cringe if the temperature in our work areas is a couple of degrees off and pat goes the call to the maintenance. Do we realize that we can demand the same level of service from the government? Like someone suggested, not pay taxes for the year if there’s been a blast in your state? Or not pay road tax if you find 10 pot-holes in your daily commute route? Guess not… Is it ‘cos you ‘re too effin lazy (like me) or because you don’t give a f$%k (like me again)?

So, it seems that all except the victims (and their kin) of the blast are actually having a blast. It’s sad, but true – We don’t give a rat’s ass for someone else’s problem. I hope I realize – and not too late – that one day it’s going to be MY problem. But till then, this cycle will continue and it will be another city, another set of innocent victims.

Say what? If you don’t leave a comment, I’ll get the message! Hehe

Disclaimer: This post was not written to hurt your sensitivities and I had no one particular in mind but myself.

Crude and rude...

"Nobody fleecess you like the government, and you look to fleece the government like nobody else" - said a wise man (ahem) once.

As of today, an Indian in Mumbai pays about INR 55.88 per liter of petrol. The left parties, the only party that thinks in India, declared a bandh to protest this hike. How inventive! And why didn't anyone else think of that? Strike work and the prices come back to normal... simple, innit? But no, the big, bad government saw through their trick and refused to bring down the price. Why? This is what I'm trying to answer today.

Now, readers, please let me know if I'm going wrong. Chandu and I tried this once (incidentally when the crude price touched $100 a barrel) and were a bit embarrassed thinking we got it wrong...

For all calculations here, I am using market close data of June 6, 2008. That fateful day, the price of crude was $138.50 per barrel and the Dollar was trading for 42.89 Rupees.

On all days, 1 barrel = 31 gallons and 1 gallon = 3.7854118 liters. Therefore, 1 barrell = 117.347765 liters.

Now, on to the calculations:

1 barrel crude oil costs USD 138.50 or INR 5940.27 (138.50 * 42.89)

so, 1 liter crude oil costs INR 50.62 (5940.27 / 117.347765)

Depending on the purity of crude and the refining process used, you get anything ranging from 30% to 70%. (You get up to 70% if you use light crude and advanced catalytic or hydro or thermal cracking, alkylation, polymerization or what not.) So I'd be safe (and quick) to assume a yeild of about 50%. Which means if you buy 1 liter of crude, you get only 1/2 liter of petrol.

Thus, the 'cost' of 1 liter of pertol is INR 101.24

Now, add to this those delightful miscellanies that WE have to pay so happily each time we buy petrol (or anything for that matter) like VAT, custom for crude, custom for petrol, sales tax, octroi, education cess(!??!!) etc., and other stuff like dealer commission, transportation, and what do we have? The 'sell' price of around INR 150 per liter (this is being extremely optimistic and assuming only about a third of the duties and stuff..)

So, the government loses about INR 100 per liter of petrol sold at today's price! Well, let's put this into perspective. According to this study, in Delhi, with over 466 signalized intersections, 3,21,432 litres of Petrol is being burnt every day due to the idling of vehicles. So, the government spends INR 32 million (3.2 crore rupees) daily only on idling cars in Delhi. Another very optimistioc assumption I shall hazard here is that the whole nation consumes only 1000 times of the petrol that is 'idled' away in Delhi. That translates to a loss of about INR 32 billion (3,200 crore rupees) loss for the government in a day. And about INR 11,688 billion (11,68,800 crore rupees) a year! Whew...

Disturbing, isn't it? I sincerely hope I'm making some mistake in my calculations here... Someone please tell me I'm wrong...

Caste-ing (c)ouch!

The caste system that was prevalent in the Indian society granted different privileges to a person based oh their caste. This is similar to the path-breaking proposal earlier by your truly. So, it essentially meant that if you are a low caste, you can not drink from the same well, pray in the same temple, eat certain things, what not. So, one would naturally assume that being a low caste kinda sucked, right?

WRONG! Boys and Girls, Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to the world of reservations! A new ideology where the ‘in’ thing is to be an outcast!

How? Very simple! If you belong to a particular category, you can get whatever job you want, go to whatever institution with a fraction of the effort! And yes, you can compete in the general category as well if you’re half as good. If you don’t get through, there’s the backdoor. This backdoor is called reservation.

Now that the concept is clear, I’d like to introduce you to a disturbing trend. Despite a ceiling of 50% (WTF??!!) on reservation, a state like Tamilnadu has 69% reservation. Another interesting fact is that 87% of the state’s population qualifies for it! That means that 7 out of every 10 buses that ply in Tamilnadu are driven by someone who didn’t ‘quite’ know how to drive! Scary? You bet it is!

Unfortunately, the sad part is that 13% of the population has to work twice or thrice as hard to get into the same college or job. But who cares? Even an illiterate can do the math – 87 votes is more than 13.

Seats are reserved for Schedules Castes, Scheduled Tribes, and Other Backward Castes (based chiefly on caste at birth) in varying ratio by the central government and state government. This caste is decided based on birth, and can never be changed. While a person can change his religion, and his economic status can fluctuate, the caste is permanent. In central government funded higher education institutions, 22.5% of available seats are reserved for Scheduled Caste (Dalit) and Scheduled Tribe (Adivasi) students (15% for SCs, 7.5% for STs). This reservation percentage has been raised to 49.5%, by including an additional 27% reservation for OBCs. In AIIMS 14% of seats are reserved for SCs, 8% for STs. In addition, SC/ST students with only 50% scores are eligible. This ratio is followed even in Parliament and all elections where few constituencies are earmarked for those from certain communities. For example, In Andhra Pradesh, 25% of educational institutes and government jobs for BCs, 15% for SCs, 6% for STs and 4% for Muslims. (That's 50%!)

And something very interesting is happening in Rajasthan as you read this: the Gujjar community wants to avail reservations and are fighting (and violently at that) to be called Scheduled Castes! To put that in perspective that we can identify, it’s like Amitabh Bachhan wanting to be a porn star so that his son can get a government job! Yes. It is that ridiculous!

Is there a way out? IMHO, the only way out is education. The whole “I will not send my son to school, but I want him to be a CEO” shit won’t fly… What we need is a paradigm shift. Reservation is just an excuse for being mediocre. According to the Sachar Commission, the Indian Muslim is not being provided the right education. And according to a related report, the Indian Christian has the highest literacy and the lowest employment rate. I agree with the BJP when they say that the reports have been manipulated for electoral reasons.

So, where will this end? I think the constitution should declare that all Indians are Scheduled Castes. And remove religion from the equation.

If you are still wondering why we can not co-exist peacefully, it’s because we have been divided by OUR constitution and played on this ever since by OUR leaders!

Is it too late?

I had once mentioned in a column, “Nothing rattles the Americans more than pictures of naked, starving brown kids”.

This has long been an ace up the pseudo-Christian groups’ sleeve to raise money – An emotionally charged evangelist inviting the wrath of God on the sinners, interspersed with pictures of brown children. Out come the wallets and greenbacks of which the children in question don’t see a cent.

Considering the present circumstances, “Nothing rattles the Americans more than pictures of well-clothed, well-fed brown kids”.


This image is now being blamed for the food crisis in the west. If George Bush and Condoleezza Rice are to be believed, the current global food crisis is because of the changing eating habits of the Indian middle-class (and the Chinese, to an extent). And to mess it all up, there is currently a hold on food grain export from India. So, what now that food is becoming as important a commodity in the global markets as petrol? Will we see a food-fight? (No pun intended)

But one man saw it all coming. And in his humble way, he tried to make a difference (from as far as I have experienced) for about two decades. He shares his first name with that of the current US President. He is the one man I love most in the world. He’s my dad.

I haven’t written about dad in this column primarily because I can’t do him justice. Daddy is from a middle-class family that came up from modest beginnings. I have had the privilege of close interaction with him and his siblings who worked hard, dispensed their duties, and brought up their children with good morals. All they ever wanted were educated children who did their duty. Their duties to their family, society, country, and the world.

But another important life lesson that he wished that I learn was about living within their means. To save for the rainy day and to invest the extra rupee. He would’ve been a hit in politics, but he is too honest for that. He could’ve been a writer, but he was too straight-forward for his times. He could have been a lot of things, but instead, he chose to be the world’s best dad.

The earliest warning that I could recollect was his diktat that we should serve ourselves only portions that we could finish. Kochu, my younger sis, learnt this the hard way… I still remember the look on her face when he had insisted that she finish the cauliflower dish that was on her plate. Now that I try and recollect his expression, I think he wanted to say, “If you don’t finish whatever’s on your plate, you’re wasting food. Then one day, 'Someone' will fall short of food and they’ll bomb you!”.

Only if his advice was heard by all. Live within your means. As a race, we haven’t saved anything for a rainy day, invested enough for renewable sources of energy. Instead, we chose to contest elections and write to criticize.

But then, not every country can make a Dad like mine!

And one thing’s for sure – If we don’t start looking like people in the picture, we need to be scared. Very scared. I suggest it’s time we started to save a meal each day so that the ‘mighty’ don’t feel threatened enough to use their twitchy bomb-fingers on us.

The newest circus...

I love to be entertained. To be honest, I have a morbid craving for amusement… Every morning I wake up, I thank God I am born in India. I would have been bored out of my wits in any other country…

The Hogenakkal project – an innocent proposal to provide drinking water to two districts in Tamilnadu using Tamilnadu’s share of the Cauvery water. A agreement between the two states in 1998 had ensured that neither of them will object to any project that the other does with its share of water from Cauvery. So, the TN Chief Minister lays the foundation stone for the project in February ’08. Everything’s well? Far from it.

Why? The reason for this is evident – elections in Karnataka are fast approaching. And what better election propaganda than some good old regionalism? And nothing excites us more than someone singing a parochial song. Who cares about eliminating poverty? Nobody gives a rat’s ass about corruption. Only sissies talk about good things. We want divides! Indians are quick to polarize, so one issue and you can win an election. This is the only tried and tested election tune. So much for the background…

The media, quick to act in such situations, has blown it into an epidemic that promises them TRPs. The Tamil film fraternity organizes a day-long hunger strike. It is attended by Rajnikant, Kamal Hassan, Sharat Kumar, Vijaykant, Madhaven, Ajith, and many such big names. The K’taka cine stars also staged a similar protest in Bangalore, but nobody remembers who came…

Rajnikanth, Asia’s second highest paid star, criticized the instigators for making such a big hue and cry over this issue. He warned that the people will not keep quiet. The Kannadiga brigade was quick to ask for an apology. For what? Even they don’t know! But you can gauge the general state of mind from the comments section of Rediff. Scholars, philosophers, thinkers, all putting in their two bits. Do spend a minute or two extra to admire the erudite nature of the comments and the wonderful prose…

Excerpts:
“Though the Devaki given birth to Lord Krishna he was fully owned to Yasodha, as same case Rajnikanth thougth he was was born in Karnataka he raised his in Tamil Nadu”

“it is u kannadigas who r the arrogant lot. Refusing to cooperate with u r fellow indians and having a dispute with all u rneighbours. In the north u have stolen belgaum from maharashtra, u dont allow krishna water into andhra, In south u r fighting with kerala for kasargod,usurped coorg which is not urs at all, now u want h ognekal.”

“We dont need ur explainations poge is tulu word which is also karnataka language and this has been copied to tamil so taminadu is ours....get lost with ur logic”

Disclaimer: I have not altered even a character in the above excerpts. All rights belong to Rediff.

(The beauty of these comments are that they hide more than they reveal, like in thr first comment, "raising his in Tamilnadu" I need to know now... Raising his WHAT??!! Tell me please...)

The part two of this circus started in Mumbai with a newspaper taking pot-shots at Amitabh Bachchan for not being like Rajnikanth! But I’ll leave that issue for some other time. Currently, I am enjoying the South Indian angle and am addicted to the comments on Rediff.

Tibet? You bet!

Cartoon by Ayan Chakraborty (You'll find his link on the right)

The solidarity for Tibet – the ‘in’ thing this summer. Everyone is crying hoarse at the plight of the ‘poor Tibetans’. And what are they doing? Stopping the Olympic torch! As if putting out the Olympic flame will magically restore Tibet as a free region…

Do not for a moment think that I am siding with China on the Tibet issue. Far from it… And I am not even a CPI activist, who are quick to switch their loyalties from India to China as we have seen in the past. I don’t blame them… after all; they need to justify the funding they receive.

I am puzzled at Indians jumping into this juggernaut. Don’t we have enough issues at home to handle? Let me give you some:
- The plight of ‘North’ Indians in Maharashtra.
- The Hogenakkal issue.
- Staying the death sentence of the ’93 blasts accused.
- Sanjay Leela Bhansali making a new movie.

And what’s this talk about boycotting the Olympics? Our boycotting the Olympics would make a difference other than to the occupancy at the Olympic village. We send about twice (nearly thrice) the number of officials compared to athletes. A better plan would be to force China into bankruptcy by winning all the Gold, Silver , and Bronze in the nation. Evan that seems far-fetched looking at past performances… In 2004, we were 65th among 74 countries that finally got medals. The only time you get to hear about countries like Belarus and Lithuania are when they are placed above (much above) India in the medals tally. And those calling for a boycott sound as if the Chinese are sweating bullets over the prospect of India pulling out.

You need to clean your house before telling your neighbor to be tidy. So, for now, the Tibetans have my empathy and a silent prayer. I do empathize with Tibetans. It is wrong for a country to displace ethnic groups and undermine their rights. But isn’t that the same with Kashmiri Pundits? And how many of our ‘celebrities’ endorse the Kashmiris and their plight?

“Kashmir? Its so passe’ dahlin… Tibet is hot this summer!”

But for me, until the Kashmiris are given justice and an Indian has equal rights all over India, the Tibet issue will not give me sleepless nights.

The search continues…

I started writing this as a reply to Sue’s comment to allow Female Gods in ‘our’ outfit. Got too long and I thought I might as well post it. Let me start by setting the context right here…

The search for a new, parochial, God-figure started in response to violence in many parts of the country against people from ‘other’ regions. These people who want total rights over ‘their’ land come from a certain school of political thought – I, Me, and Myself. So, please keep that in mind.

I’ve been consulting for some time now, and the one thing that I’ve learnt is that unless your solution, product, or service meets the end user requirements, it is a disaster. However, the end user doesn’t have control over what is bought. A salesman sells a product to the CXOs, CFOs, COOs of the world, who in all probability do not use the solution in the first place. That puts your brand image at stake, because the users start complaining after a while… Therefore a good solution, in addition to making ‘business sense’ to the top bosses (read massaging their ego), should also be appealing to the masses. That is consulting!

I shall examine the situation for you. This, of-course, should have been a PowerPoint presentation, but no one’s interested in seeing them (what’s new?). So I give you the gist of it here.

Management
Vision (Propaganda)
Revenues (Party Collections)
Investor Relations (Vote Bank)
Shareholder Value (Advantages for the rank and file)
Market Share (Actual number of seats)

End User
Ease (Will I ‘have’ to work?)
Appeal (How will I be identified as a part of this outfit?)
Productivity gain (How many people out of 10 will (or can be forced to) contribute?)
Earnings (And how much can I siphon off?)
Growth (How fast can I move to the next level? Is there another ‘group’ we can target?)

An altruistic solution WILL NOT help. No one’s buying that and we’re not here for charity. A leftist approach too, is out of the question. The top bosses do not (secretly) endorse the concept of equality. We are, therefore left with a concept of a right-winged outfit that deludes you into believing that it is participative. The righter, the better.

Now that we have identified the target audiences, we need to offer a solution. So, put on your thinking caps and give me options. If you think they are a bit long, e-mail them to me. I’ll compile them for another post and shall acknowledge your contribution. Who knows? You may even qualify for the top job if you can spew enough venom! And I am open to Gods, Goddesses and beyond.

And remember – Right is right.

A brave new world...

The Indian government has taken a huge step today. The legal age for marriage has been lowered to 18 years! And the age for sexual consent for girls has been increased to 16 years…

Regular readers of this blog will be aware that we had earlier proposed a minimum IQ level for men/women (oops… boys and girls now) to qualify for marriage. That either did not catch the eye of anyone in the panel or they would themselves score less than 80?

Being the socially active blog that this is, here are my two bits for the lawmakers to decide whom to let marry. (Considering the (mental) age of the audience, I would suggest a questionnaire with multiple choices.) This questionnaire is for boys (got it right this time) only.


Name:
Age:

1) Why do you want to get married?
a. To be a better man (like Sohail Khan in Aryan)
b. I am in love (Like all my heroes)
c. I am exercising my right to marry.
d. She wants to.

2) Whom do you want to marry?
a. My classmate.
b. My neighbor.
c. Hmmm…
d. Her.

3) Do you know her complete name? (Click here if it is a he.)
a. I call her Jaanu. That is enough for me.
b. I know her nickname.
c. Hmmm…
d. I’ll ask her.

4) Is the girl willing to marry you?
a. Is that necessary?
b. I have to ask her…
c. If no, what are my options?
d. That’s what she said.

5) Do your parents know about this?
a. I’ll surprise them!
b. They said no and that’s why I’m here.
c. They will never come to know (hee hee)
d. Whatever she says.

6) What do you do for a living?
a. Attend college
b. Social commentator (a politically correct name for a roadside romeo)
c. Eh?
d. Whatever she asks me to.

7) Would you be willing to work?
a. Why?
b. Work?
c. Hmmm…
d. If she is okay with it.

8) Do you plan to have children?
a. Yes.
b. How?
c. Why do you think I’m here?
d. I’ll have to ask her

9) Will you consider family planning?
a. I am planning a family already…
b. I am planning to tell my family…
c. Eh?
d. I’ll ask her what it means.

10) Have you heard of ‘contraceptives’? (I wish your parents had!)
a. 5 years ago!
b. Used it too.
c. Eh?
d. She will know.

No matter what the candidate answers, he still has the right to marry. That is the beauty of our great land! A land where juveniles have a license to marry and procreate. A future filled with jobless fathers and clueless mothers. An initiative to beat China at-least in population by 2015?

Or is it just another cruel joke that our lawmakers are playing on us? Well, it’s business as usual then!

It happens only in India…

Play in India if you must. But you have to let our side win!

That seems to be the motto of local political parties. Poor migrant laborers were beaten up and their cabs/stalls/autos destroyed in Mumbai. Ditto in Assam. And someplace else.

Not one leader of stature has come forth to protest this. NOT ONE!

Poor old Amitabh Bachhan gets pulled in; the Bollywood fraternity is in an outrage! Not one star talked about the plight of the poor workers who flock to Bombay to seek a hand-to-mouth existence.

We would have had rallies and demonstrations if they had treated street dogs like the way they treated their fellow countrymen. Giving a voice to the animals is cool. Not cool to express solidarity for fellow humans, poor ones at that!

So, all of you need to shut the f*** up when you talk about the plight of Indians in Malaysia, UAE, or anywhere else. If we are not respected in our home, nobody will give a s#it! Do you?

God riddance?

What is wrong with the world today? Don’t we have enough excitement already? Aren’t our hands full with terrorists with their perverted ‘religious’ agenda? Then why does our DMK chief, the octogenarian M Karunanidhi, have to make silly, frivolous remarks to feed an already growing fire? His daughter's house was vandalised as a result, but in true Kalaignar style, he says that such incidents are just like "bits of dust". Wow! And I thought his dialogue delivery days were long over.

Now for those of you who haven’t read the latest, the old dude, at just the time he has to make peace with his God, decides to go senile. He makes comments like, “Who is this Ram, which engineering college did he go to?” and stuff. And to prove that Ram did exist, some ‘suspected’ sangh parivar activists pay a visit to his daughter’s house in Bangalore and put the fear of God in her. And to cement His existence, they also burned a Tamilnadu-bound bus with a couple of people in it. Yes! Now everyone believes.

Just the same way every Christian now believes in Muhammed because of Osama bin Laden and every Muslim believes in Ram because of Narendra Modi. What a sham! If you believe that you can prove the existence of God by such means, go ahead. Probably you will have the 72 houris (virgin, angelic girls) and 28 gilmans (supple young boys) waiting for you in the netherworld. But don’t blame me if you find your name on the gilman roster in hell! You most certainly deserve it.

Advani, probably was feeling left out of all the action. What if someone 1000 years down the line asks, “Who is this Advani, the avtar to save all Hindus? Did he really exist? I know there are ruins of a mosque in Ayodhya, but did he actually do it?”. So he decides not to rest on his bygone days of glory and proclaims that a civil war is rife in India! What excitement! And what a way to go down in history.

Here are some links relared to the post:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/south_asia/7002695.stm
http://www.ndtv.com/convergence/ndtv/story.aspx?id=NEWEN20070026617
http://www.ibnlive.com/news/karuna-calls-lord-ram-a-drunkard-advani-fumes/49009-3.html
http://www.hindu.com/thehindu/holnus/002200709191966.htm

I am now waiting for the rituals to follow:

• Shiv Sena’s Maharastra bandh.
• CPI (M)’s Bengal and Kerala bandh.
• Trinamool congress’s Calcutta bandh.
• RJD’s Bihar Bandh.
• Congress’ ‘bandh ke khilaaf’ bandh. and many more...

Why? Because they freakin’ feel like it! How dare you question the motive for a bandh? Others are doing it... But for people like you and me, it’s not like the old days. We still have to go to work. So, I have to content with reminiscing about the days gone by, where a bandh was just another excuse to play on the roads. Ah, the good old days, before people in India were aware of Molotov cocktails, burning buses and lynch mobs... sigh... (totally unrelated to the post: have you ever wondered about the etymology of politics? Poly - Many; Ticks - Blood sucking insects!)

The main (probably ignorant) perpetrator of all this mayhem is the ASI. That the ASI made such a comment in itself is surprising. I am surprised to think that people who study history and its preservation for a living did not predict the juggernaut to follow. We live in a secular democracy (or so we are led to believe), and a government body does not have a right to question anyone’s faith. Faith… now what’s that?

Faith is a belief. It does not require scientific validation. It is like common sense or conscience. It can’t be proved, only practiced. My faith is something very personal and I have no obligation to prove it to anyone. I believe. And that, I am sure, is the same with all of you. If you ask me which brewery Jesus Christ went to, or where Ram did his engineering, or who discovered the being on which the prophet took a celestial trip, I will say (censored)! It was once said, "Happy are those who have not seen and yet believe." That, my dear friends, is faith. Your and my faith is not open to discussion or ridicule. We were born with that right in this great country.

I will not trivialize my beliefs in God by engaging in an argument. I believe that MY God is MY business. No matter what anyone says, I remain steadfast. And in that belief, I shall keep walking.

Is being pro-India anti national?

This seems to never end! Read it here: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/south_asia/7002090.stm

To summarise, the left parties in India don't want anything to do with US. No! No arguments! We don't want power (the bijli variety), we don't want military exercises, nothing! Let's look at some arguments put forward by the involved parties:
http://www.hindu.com/thehindu/holnus/001200709191219.htm
http://www.timesnow.tv/NewsDtls.aspx?NewsID=2825
http://www.indianexpress.com/story/218548.html

At this point, I would like to clarify that I have no allegiance to any political school of thought. I am a common Indian citizen and a patriot who is distraught at the situation around me.

What they do want, is maybe to live in a fool's paradise of a communist state. And history has shown us again and again and yet again what happens to a communist state in a not-so-ideal world. Russia is an excellent example of this. China, had a rude awakening and is now embracing globalization. Cuba, well, will remain Cuba! Perhaps, they would like to add India to the list of countries in this list: http://www.bookrags.com/wiki/Communist_state#Defunct_Communist_states

I, not for a moment would like to say that communism is bad on paper. And according to me, that is where it should remain! All this commotion about blindly opposing the nuclear deal between India and US should be called treason.

I would like all the protesters to please answer the folowing questions:
1. Are you Indians above being Communists?
2. Do you want India to be self-reliant in terms of power?
3. Would you like to live in a country with a strong military?
4. Do you want people around you to have jobs that can help them support their families?
5. Would you like to see India as one of the top three nations in the world in terms of its economy?

If they have answered 'yes' to these questions, why the commotion? Or is their political agenda higher than the nation's welfare? If so, arrest them for treason! Let the rest of us realise our dreams of living in a prosperous India during our lifetime.

JaiHind!