Saturday, October 24, 2009

The Superpower Riseth…


“Every child is special, me was especially so.” - D-Man

Across ages and civilizations, great men and women have roamed the Earth with powers unlike any. Superman, Obama, Batman, Jet Li, Spiderman, Obama, James Bond, Barb Wire (ahem), Obama, Shaktiman, Rakhiji… These extraordinary (white) human beings (Superman is an exception because he is from Krypton. Really, come to think of it, even Darkman was a white guy*. ) were able to rise above the ordinary because they realized their true potential. As a professional who feeds his family teaching and training, I believe that every human has, indeed, a hidden power that makes them super.

My superpower is that I can watch the most excruciating programs and movies with ease. Something my wife has not come to terms with… yet! But one day, the world will know me as – D-Man! (Pronounced as Dee Minus Man).

The D- denotes the class of movies and programs I can endure. On my resume are masterpieces like Gunda, Deshdrohi, What’s your Rashee, Main hoon Na, Manos – the hand of fate, Rakhi ka Swayamvar, AAp ka Surroorrrr, Titanic, and then some. I can even watch the late-night infomercials that sell a range of products that can make you super like Nazar Pendants and Inflatable Sofas!

And like Superman has Kryptonite, I have Ronnie – my wife. The only one that stands between me and my superpower destiny! So, these days, while she is away in Delhi, I get to perfect my craft.

So Friday evening, it’s business as usual. I veg-out in front of my TV in search of new adventures, and to drop in on some old friends who’ve evolved during my absence. And oh boy, was I rewarded! Evil Grin

DPL – Dance Premier League – This is an attempt to divide the country with the two things that most of us Indians are very passionate about. Bollywood Dance and Cricket. The country is divided into five zones – North, East, South, West, and Central. There is also a representation from Pardesi Desis – the NRIs. These teams are pitted against one another in a show that redefines mediocrity. The lack of talent of the participants is rivaled only by the dumbness of the judges.

Terminal Velocity (in Hindi) – This was nowhere near the class of Spiderman-2 that I watched in Bhojpuri. Not even close. But the sight of Charlie Sheen speaking like a tapori makes you a believer in the parallel universe concept. Don’t miss the customary end-of-movie kiss scene where the VO artists demonstrate their ability to make chirping sounds. Classic!

Pati, Patni, aur Woh – The classic boring tale of an Indian household. Spiced up with angled stare-shots and cheap bollywood music to suit the context. Even Rakhiji's presence couldn't salvage this show. 'nuf said? Makes you long for a break like the end credits for a Himesh movie…

Big Boss Season 3 – Nothing more pitiful than the sight of Amitabh Bachhan trying to understand the psyche of the participants who’ve been kicked out. To my good fortune, this time was KRK or Kamal Rashid Khan – the star of the legendary Deshdrohi.

Ninja Pandav – I swear to God I am not kidding. I probably am the first superhero to do this, but I have attached photographic evidence. The pic also contains a synopsis of the program. I am not worthy to comment.

CID – A spoof of CSI. Chronicles the average day in the life of a crack investigation unit led by a constipated but hilarious ACP, and his team that comprises of politically-correct cross-section of people, religions, and personalities like a funny Catholic and an absent-minded coroner. Unlike the Bruckheimer production, you always have to slap the suspect (in true Indian police tradition) for him/her to confess. A must-see if you are a fan of CSI…

Bairi Piya – A soap that started off as a real-life depiction of farmer suicides. The TRPs showed that the audiences wanted to see this program as bad as Abhijeet Sawant’s next movie. The producers then turned this into a rich landlord and poor landless farmer’s daughter romance. TRPs soar, producers happy!

These were sprinkled with promos of soaps, and upcoming movies that include Himesbhai’s Radio. That hurt… But what really got me curious was the promo of a show that reveals details of your past life! I would’ve been willing to give my remote-wielding right arm to find out had it not been for Facebook. Coz I know that I was Einstein in my past life! Who’s your daddy now?

And if you think there are any more such programs I can test my endurance with, please suggest them. I need to know the limits to my superpower...

P.S.: Thanks Hyacie for motivating me to write. Encourages me to know that someone actually reads these…

Post P.S.: Don’t tell my wife…

*Post-Post P.S.: Gotcha! Shaktiman and Rakhiji are not white. But gimme a break…

14 comments:

Rohini said...

Welcome back.... Truely funny.... but the CID part deserves better... Now who can not be a little tickeled by that constpated old man?
Ron

hyacinths said...

HAHAHHA! this is to funny Georgie. I shall now proceed to YouTube these sample shows ;P
More power to George's brain!

maxratul said...

You are like Odysseus, on an epic journey into the unknown hidden depths of Indian TV. Distant legends of Mother-in-laws and quarreling housewives reach our ears, but you, great hero, have actually gone forward to see these wonders.
I need to watch Ninja Pandav... the name itself is worth a million bucks.

TheWalker said...

@Ron: I promised to behave and I've failed... And yes, Respect to the CID ACP
@Hyacie: You have no idea what you're missing back home, girl!
@Max: Bro, you are the grand-daddy of this shit, but I think you're not yet ready for Ninja Pandav. I'm not hafl-worthy myself!

jaya said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
jaya said...

Hello Dee Minus Man,

Best of luck for your odyssey into the colorful and convoluted world..waitin for more :)

Priyanka said...

Interesting one....but i wud say that i liked Ninja Pandav....though it's another fact that the production team's creativity could not go beyond 5-6 episodes......and since then they are running the same episodes again and again....

While going thru ur blog, i was reminded of the days when I and my neighbourhood friends used to watch Ramsay Brother movies on Zee Cinema every Tuesday and Thursday at 7pm.....oh they were the golden days of the Horror Cinema in India and i am sure that the satellite channel ranked high on TRPs. i no longer follow the channel after it ditched Ramsay Brothers for stars like Amitabh and Rajesh khanna.

Here's a suggestion George, if possible, find a local cd parlour in ur area, check out those Ramsay Brothers movie...the best part of watching them is that they are beyond all grades!

priyanka said...

A recent change that has been noticed in the TV industry nowadays, is that earlier the satellite channels used to compete by bringing in variety of soaps......but these days channel A competes with Channel B by launching a similar soap. For example, Maat Pita ke charno main Swarg on COlors has its stiff competition with Shraddha on Star Plus..(the only diff between the two shows is the protagonist-in one it is the hero and the other its the heroine)
Another one: Ab ke Janam Mohe bitiya hi Kijo on Zee and Na Aana IS Desh Meri LAado on COlors......the diff...(umm i guess the regions on which they are based...one is based in Bihar and the other in Haryana) The story is plain and simple, In Bihar, u sell girls after they are born and in Haryana, u dont allow girls to born......Hw much have these shows impacted the cause?

How can they impact? If u r saying that they are so poor that they have to sell their kids, how can they afford a tv to watch COLROS and understand why they shud not sell their kids....And if it is targetted to the urban masses, i dont know what cause does it support?

ruby said...

You are clinically ill.... I did not even know many of these shows ( and I work from home)!

But I insist u remove "Main Hoon Na" from the list.... it was Farah Khan's tribute to Rajnikant :)

TheWalker said...

@Jaya: Thanks Jaya.
@Priyanka: You seem to be an aficionado of these programs... I am feeling threatened. Next time either of us make a trip to the other's city, we need to face-off... We might probably have to involve Max too. I am feeling a bit threatened... What is there is an EGirl or EMan?
@Ruby: That I am. The flip-side of my superpowers... Main hoon na was only good because of Sushmita Sen. But she couldn't salvage it either!

abhinavj01 said...

HAIL D-Man!!!

stardust said...

about time you had written too, was wondering where u were :) now i am totally clear on 2 fundamentals concept "TV Watching".
1.how and who is responsible for the mysterious "TRP" ratings shoot up and down
2.why ppl actally make such brainy programs and believe that it will works
thanks george for opening my eyes to the concept called TV Watching ( its more like a adjective now then a verb , i think)

Obhi-shake said...

Aren't u forgetting something? "Border Hindustan Ka" by Amir Khan's brother...the expressions were priceless...

pratibhag said...

George,

First, thanks for the lovely piece, it cracked me up. I needed this!

I am proud to say that I searched and downloaded Deshdrohi ( wasted 8 hiurs of precious Internet time), all for KRK, watched What's your Rashee when trying to take care of the boys, made the boys watch every episode of Rakhi ka Swayamvar, they can digest just everything and anything now. I fail to watch Bigg Boss though.

And I am eagerly waiting to watch when that Rahul Mahajan ka swayamvar or whatever will start.

Despite all this George, I still respect you!

prats