The Imprudent Generation…

Thinking – such a waste of time! This has become the catch-word that Hero Honda banked on to revive the fortunes of the new CBZ – the CBZ Xtreme.

Kajol: Yeh sochne-wochne ka kaam mujhse nahi hota. Shukar hai is ghar mei koi toh intelligent hai!

Ajay: Thank you Jaanu.

Kajol: Mai tumhari nahi, humaare Whirlpool (AC or Fridge… I forget which) ki baat kar rahi hoon.

Loose translation – K: Can’t seem to get myself to think. Thankfully, there’s someone intelligent at home

A: Thanks babes.

K: Not you. I’m talking about the (random) Whirlpool (thingie) This is the latest advertisement for (random) Whirlpool product-line.

The new and disturbing trend in the ad industry – Moronizing the consumer.

I was a kid when advertisements were more focused on educating the customers (Dabur, Nirma, Melodie, etc.). Then the advertisements moved on to entertaining the customer. It used to be difficult, but I could still see some connect. I was even okay when it was just the old-school ‘demeaning the consumer’ trend. “You there… yeah you, the fugly dark babe/dude… improve your self-esteem with this fairness product” type of advertisements. Or, the “hey assface, get laid with this deo” kind of placement worked too…

But admitting that no carbon-based life form in your household has an IQ more than a random appliance is below the belt. Though the actors definitely look the part and obviously have no qualms admitting the fact, I take offence. As a Homo Sapien, that is. It is strangely, but surely comforting that you command the brown/white appliances at home. After a hard day’s work there is nothing more comforting than coming back home and relaxing, assured in the knowledge that your gadgets, fixtures, and appliances will obey your every command. They cool your room, chill your drink, heat your meal, play your music and all that.

I’d hate to be one of the people who can’t do that. Is that why they dispense all the pent-up aggression at work? Because their IQ is lower than an inanimate household item?

Indian Putrid League…

Q: What happens when a petty dimwit, who leads a hugely successful franchise, faces off with a suave lobbyist?

A: Crap hits the fan!

Welcome dear friends to a side-act that seems to be dominating India’s richest circus – Indian Premier League. IPL, as it is better known, started as an idea by the Indian cricketing legend Kapil Dev, to hone the cricketing talent of the country. At a time when India’s cricketing board considered T20, the shortest format of the game to be just a fad, Kapil Dev created the Indian Cricket League (ICL) with private sponsors. The event was an instant success for the cricket-hungry nation with international players mentoring upcoming Indian cricketers and enthralling crazed fans.

Enter Lalit Modi, who convinces the BCCI (Indian Cricket Board) that with the Indian team winning the 2007 T20 world cup, the fad is here to stay. For a plan to cash-in on the rush, Lalit Modi revisits the ICL plan, Cntrl+A, Cntrl+X, Cntrl+V. Viola! IPL is born. He then resorts to the cheap tactic of banning all Indian players in the ICL from representing the country. Trivializes Kapil Dev’s efforts and gets the ICC (International Cricketing Council) to discredit the ICL. What happens to ICL? Shift+Del!

What followed were two hugely successful seasons that cashed in on two evergreen passions of the Indian Man – Cricket and White Babes. The IPL wants more and invites bids for two new teams. Team Pune and Team Kochi offer whopping amounts of USD 350M and USD 333M for their teams, and win the bid. The Kochi bid is put together by Rendezvous sports, a bunch of unrelated parties brought together by Dr. Shashi Tharoor, an erudite politician from Trivandrum. Suddenly, something.

What follows is a developing story and the plot, sub-plots, characters, locales, and political affiliations will change. Continuously, randomly.

Act 1. The Kochi franchise’s papers are returned, citing lack of paperwork as the reason. As any Indian will know, the next logical thing is to slip a fiver into the babu’s pocket. The franchise, rather than slipping a fiver in the pocket, spends time, money, and energy in compiling paperwork.

Act 2. Modi tweets about irregularities in the partnership and attacks Shashi Tharoor personally, and insinuating his financial interest in the franchise. He also confesses to having received a call from Tharoor asking him to ‘back off’ from the scrutiny of the Kochi team’s papers.

Act 3. Dr Tharoor tweets ‘I’ve had enough” and issues a press release. He refrains from any personal attacks, but his aides and confidants do not. They publish Modi’s past in the US as a cocaine peddler, kidnapper, and assaulter. (?!)

Act 4. The Kochi team challenges Modi to disclose the ownership patterns of all teams. This supposedly caused a minor tremor in Lahore, where the ‘Bhai’ is living off ISI’s money and hospitality. (Any Indian company is only legitimate if the ‘Bhai’ has a stake in it.) Tharoor receives a threat SMS from the ‘Bhai’ (which will be eventually traced to some wannabe dumfuk) and his security is beefed up.

Act 5. Another disclosure linking Modi to a model and a probable casting pitch(?) scandal raises eyebrows. Modi is asked by the BCCI to stop tweeting and not make further comments (till they receive their share?) until the matter is sorted.

Act 6. BJP demands Tharoor’s resignation. (Again, this is the only logical conclusion for any problem.)

Update: April 18, 2010

Tharoor quits his post as a minister in the external affairs ministry.

Update: April 21, 2010

The BCCI and IPL governing council suggest Modi's exit. The defiant Modi refuses to go down

Disclaimer: My being a Mallu doesn’t necessarily mean that I am a fan of Tharoor by default. I honestly think that he should quit politics, since the political scene is not yet ready for a class act like him. IMO, it is his skill as a lobbyist that put a motley crew together to bid for a team. Moreover, even in the unlikely event that he has a financial stake in the outfit, isn’t it better than having underworld connections and other assorted mafia links? I’m really curious to see how Modi will come out of this…

Ancient, Orthodox, Walker...

I sometimes wonder if I belong to a different time and age… And it’s not just my creaking bones that make me wonder that. There are a lot of things around me that continue to reinforce my belief. Let’s take fashion, for instance…

I identify with a school of thought where women look like women and men look like men. Flip through any fashion channel or magazine now, and all you will find is women with the structure of underfed pre-teen boys and men, like they’ve just been let off a concentration camp. And they both look like they’ve lost the will to live. Seriously! Is that what passes off as sex appeal these days?

And why would any legally sane person EVER want to be a size zero? What does that mean anyways? To the best of my reasoning, it could mean the size of the wearer’s brain! Why would anyone actually pay money to look anorexic? And what kind of demented folks prefer such people? Or has mutation given the new generation some kind of convex vision? Or worse – has age given me concave vision?

Whatever be the reason, there goes my dreams of becoming a supermodel! Not that it will, in anyway, come in the way of my world-domination ambitions by becoming a God-man, but still… We all like a little fan following, don’t we?

But there are still a few things that, in my mind are divided by gender. I hope this table illustrates two categories of what (most people in) my generation identify with the sexes…

Category	Item/s	Gender
Cosmetics	All cosmetics	Feminine
	After shave, Cologne, Vaseline, Talcum powder	Masculine
	Lipstick, Foundation, Rouge…	NOT Masculine
Clothing	Skirts, blouses, tank-tops, things, saris, capris, hot pants, gowns, dresses…	Feminine (Actually women look good in anything)
	Pants, shirts, tees, jeans, kurtas	Masculine (refer above too)

Men should realize that UNLIKE women, they WILL look funny wearing anything out of the above table (let’s keep regional preferences like dhotis, loincloths, etc. out of this). And that there is a fine line that divides the metrosexuals from the effeminate. I am not homophobic, but the trend of men doing their eyebrows and stuff unsettles me… And so do men or women with a lack of personal hygiene… I hope I’m making sense to you, because sometimes, I can’t understand myself. Especially in such cases. I try and simplify it to myself by saying that a Man should look like a Man and a Woman should look like a Woman.

And yes, what started this was the sight of a guy in a car, doing make-up in the morning traffic of Mumbai. Honestly, I failed to decide then – which was more pathetic.

Wake Up Walker...

This morning, Ajita walks up to me and asks – How is ‘Rahul Mahajan ka Swayamvar’? That was when I realized that I became the Kannagi Ohlsson of the blog world. Not good! That is not the reality. The reality is this:

My name is Walker, and I am not a Bollywood star!

…NOT!

It seems that these days, if you have to be somebody worth anything in India, you gotta be a Bollywood star. That, my friends, is the new Indian identity. My barf reflexes started building up from the first time I saw PMS – Phir Mile Sur – for the first time on Jan 27. At the grave risk of being labeled a misogynic, insensitive, b@$***d (or MIB), the song induces a PMS in me and I pity myself for choosing a career that mandates competence. I am now a lesser citizen, who will never be appreciated unless I land a role in the movies…

And once that happens, no matter what I do or say, I will always have people to support any nonsense I say… I already have a blog and a twitter ID, so those are checked. All I have to do now is arrange for a lobotomy so that I will not, even by accident, say or do anything intelligible or logical. No one even raises an eyebrow about the stupid things I do.

Case in point – the most prolific star India has known. I have lost count of the political asses he has kissed. Starting from the Congress, Samajwadi Party, Shiv Sena, Bharatiya Janata Party… Even Deve Gowda’ obscure party! Fans pant, bank swells…

Another case – the MC Hammer of Indian cinema. Owns a sport franchise, doesn’t bid for any players who come from the ‘Best Neighbor’. Then cries about it. There is an uproar, and (wink) his upcoming movie gets dragged into it. The ever-faithful Mainstream Media swarms to the story like pigeons to grain. Fans pant, bank swells…

So I am torn between my future as a God-man and that of being a star. Well, I would REALLY like a cult following, but I would also like to be on some edition of the Mile Sur series… Even the upcoming one with Rakhi Sawant, Himesh, Rahul Mahajan, Pritam, KRK and other ‘accomplished’ Indians will do. Till that happens, I would not have ‘arrived’, and I definitely want to ‘arrive’.

I also need to learn the subtle art of practising inanity while not compromising on my conceit...

In the meantime, I plan to watch MNIK and rent Chhahat and Ram Jaane to up my acting skills.

P.S.: I have no issues with the real talents like ARR, Anoushka, Amjad Ali, Zakir Hussain, Yesudas, and the others. I lose when I see Bollywood/Kollywood/Tollywood/Tiger Wood/WTFwood ham. ARR is a great singer and they didn’t let HIM sing… gave hime a fekkin fingerboard. The revulsion I feel about the PMS video could fill volumes…

The Walkerashtra…

If there’s one thing I’ve learnt from the last 10 years, it is this: No one messes with a deluded man out to kill himself. At-least in India!

In the not so distant future, to be precise, on January 12, 2028 (providing the world survives 2012, of course), I shall form Walkerashtra, the 87,229,317^th state of the Republic on India.

And unlike the politicians of today, I shall gain approval by more persuasive means – eating unto death! Unlike fasting, eating has the additional advantage of flatulence, which has proved to be extremely effective in influencing others to not mess with you.

Walkerashtra will be created on one principle – absolute and unequivocal acceptance of its great leader – TheWalker (a la DPR Korea, the utopian society that my dear friend Max opened my eyes to). In the 120,178 sq.meters of Walkerashtra, there will be 7 statues of mine; and the entire population of 9 humans, 5 dogs, and other insects will sing songs in praise of my blog posts and my future as the unrivaled Godman.

The state animal will be a Labrador Retriever named Elvis ‘Popo’ Presley (in memory of our first dog), the state bird will be the mosquito (a homage to Kerala, my home state), and such. We shall rename every dog as either Tyson or Dopey, all trees will be called coconut trees, and each of the three street crossings will be called Walker Chowk!

My one-man state assembly, will pass a resolution to have ‘Walker’ included in the name of the airport that we share with 2,342 other states 45 miles away, and the railway station, 10 miles away, shared by 87. I too, shall collect state government taxes from all passing vehicles that have to cross about 217 states to travel 5 miles – a week-long road trip.

The central government is a sham by now, since coalitions are formed that get a majority every 7 minutes. I, personally shall be a part of at-least 3,956,317 coalitions, that were in power for a total of 187 hours – a new record, making me a national hero!

And that, my dear friends, will be the beginning to my world-domination plans. Boohaahaahaa…

The Fulltyu Addityu...

Well, I was going through the 2008 Indiblog awards site, and stumbled upon quite a few gems. In case you haven’t voted for your favorite site yet, please do so NOW.

And one thing I noticed was that quite a few of them lavish attention on India’s 1st Rockstar – Himesh Reshammiya!

I can understand that ‘Radio – It’s complicated’ has released and all that, but only when I stumbled upon this, did I understand the real magnitude of adulation that the man deserves. IMHO, this site should’ve been nominated for the best Indiblog humor site ever. Fuk that! It should be voted as the best site in the history of the internet… in the history of the universe. Believe me – It’s THAT funny.

As you look at pages and posts, you will understand the pain of a man whose only fault is his awesomeness. And seeing his movies, you realize that he believes in that too. He elevated self-worship to unheard-of levels in ‘Aap Ka Surroor – The Real Luv Story’. Then, it was ‘Karzzzz’. What both the movies had in common, other than supernosural vocals and the pouting rockstar, was that there are always multiple women who desire him. That is in addition to multitudes who adore him as God’s greatest gift to music and women.

So, I decided to undertake the ultimate sacrifice of scourging his fan-site to understand the reality behind this hysteria. I’ve spent some quality time reading posts and comments by people who should’ve never been near a pen or a computer in their lives… I hope that you will understand if I’m incoherent, but I’ll try my best.

The banner of the fansite reads: Welcome To… Himesh-Reshammiya.com - The No.1 fanClub Site of India’s 1st Rock Star. It is quickly followed by “Himesh Reshammiya India's 1st and No.1 Rockstar!”. The only lucid conclusion one can draw is that the author knows as much about rock as Himesh knows about modesty. Being a fan of rock myself, I take strong offence to his brand of music being associated with anything resembling rock. But I quickly check myself to refrain from bias and move on…

I move to the blog section and I was rewarded immediately with "Himesh-Reshammiya-grows-as-an-actor" type posts. The man himself commends his acting and his steady progress to the Oscars. But please check out the comments. Fans are being driven to despair criticizing the critics. Comments like -

• “i dnt think theres any freakin person on this planet who would write this movie off….but this is how things go….this is gonna happen again n again…. i cant take it anymore”,

• “I HAD WATCHEN FIRST SAY FIRST SHOW | IT WAS AN FANTASTIC EXPERIENCE | I LOVE THE MOVIE | HIMESH ROCK | BUT I WOULD LIKE TO REQUEST U ALL RESHAMMIYANS* TO PLZZZ KINDLY GO N WATCH Bcause THE COLLECTIONS ARE VERY POOR SO PLZZZZZZ KINDLY GO N WATCH N INCREASE THE COLLECTIONS OTHERWISE IT WOULD ALSO BE A FLOP”, “HR* RAWKzzz….n RADIO is the biggest blockbuster for me…”, and

• “HR* has untapped talent in this dept…..the way he connects with the emotion scenes is brilliant…” to the maniacal

• “I luv u Himeeeshhhh... U R d kyutest and most rocking rockstar”

- were there in plenty and I was wondering if people these days really believe in such stuff and blind devotion. According to me, there are only two people who are worthy of blind adoration – Mithunda and Rajni anna.

There are also other hilarious posts that deal with “Radio is for class, not mass audience” and “Himesh is preening, “I consider the music of Radio to be my best work to date. I’m proud of every song. But Mann Ka Radio is special. It has become the youth anthem in our country.”

Yeah right! I wonder if the ‘Classes’ will have the ‘Fulltyu Addityu’ to accept such path-breaking, genre defining cinema in this time and age – only time will tell. In the meantime, please read these reviews of Radio by the best bloggers in the business:

Indiequill and Greatbong.


*(Random Info: HR was Himesh Reshammiya’s name in Aap Ka Surroor, as the World’s greatest rockstar. And His fans refer to themselves as ‘Reshammiyans’. To the best of my knowledge, it is a conspiracy to malign the acronym for the most loved department of your organization.)

Die Creativity, die…

I like creativity primarily because I have none. IMHO, people are born with it, and I’m willing to accept that and move on. I have learnt to deal with it as a divine will, like His* decision to not endow me with awesome bass guitar playing ability or George Clooney like looks. I love to be around people who can think up and do wonderful stuff like the riff on Lynrd Skynrd’s ‘Freebird’ or the sketches and inking of Savio. Unfortunately for me, I haven’t been able to accept it as a management practice. ‘Innovative’ practices are more of common sense than creativity. Using data to arrive at decisions is common sense, so labeling SixSigma as a creative tool (I know organizations that teach SixSigma in their creativity workshops. So) is weird… And creativity, unless practiced with extreme caution, can be catastrophic. I’m sure most of you are not willing to accept this, so allow me to illustrate…

You are a vocal advocate of creativity and people are really motivated with your reasoning. You become famous and are invited to New York for a seminar with a Fortune 50 company. On the flight, people recognize you and you become the center of attraction and soon, it’s time to land. In your capacity, and in your current situation, would you want the pilot to be creative? Or the Air Traffic Controller?

Now that we have that aspect out of the way, I hope you agree with me that you are better off leaving some things working the way they are. Sometimes creativity is the problem not the solution.

Most companies around are looking at ‘creative’ ways to engage their employees. The key here is to identify areas that require intervention in the first place and then identify people to pull it off. And this is not an either-or scenario. Both conditions have to be met. Otherwise, it turns out to be a ‘kiss of death’ for common sense. Let us look at some fictitious situations where creativity overrides common sense…

Situation: Less number of restrooms in an office.

Common Sense: Construct rest-rooms. If that’s a no, live with it. Who gets there first, goes first. Simple.

Creative Solution: Create a restroom policy. Now, only the management gets to use the restrooms. Organize a few fire hydrants outside the office complex for the rank and file if the organization is ‘humane’.

Situation: Unhappy employees

Common Sense: Find and eliminate cause.

Creative Solution: Hire a consultant. Devise a happiness policy. Invent a mandate for employees to follow policy. Defaulters undergo ‘coaching’ to be happy.

I hope you get the drift. All I want to say is that creativity requires two ingredients:

The right situation

The right person

Anything else is misapplication of sense. My thumb-rule is to use creative abilities only when common sense does not solve the problem

*Please forgive my reference to the Divine Creator as a male. My intention is not to be gender insensitive or politically incorrect. My life will lose its meaning if I believe my Creator to be gender neutral!

Disclaimer: This post does not intend to have any resemblance to any organization, profitable or otherwise. If you identify your organization with this post, ignore it as a coincidence and locate the nearest exit.

The Superpower Riseth…

“Every child is special, me was especially so.” - D-Man

Across ages and civilizations, great men and women have roamed the Earth with powers unlike any. Superman, Obama, Batman, Jet Li, Spiderman, Obama, James Bond, Barb Wire (ahem), Obama, Shaktiman, Rakhiji… These extraordinary (white) human beings (Superman is an exception because he is from Krypton. Really, come to think of it, even Darkman was a white guy*. ) were able to rise above the ordinary because they realized their true potential. As a professional who feeds his family teaching and training, I believe that every human has, indeed, a hidden power that makes them super.

My superpower is that I can watch the most excruciating programs and movies with ease. Something my wife has not come to terms with… yet! But one day, the world will know me as – D-Man! (Pronounced as Dee Minus Man).

The D- denotes the class of movies and programs I can endure. On my resume are masterpieces like Gunda, Deshdrohi, What’s your Rashee, Main hoon Na, Manos – the hand of fate, Rakhi ka Swayamvar, AAp ka Surroorrrr, Titanic, and then some. I can even watch the late-night infomercials that sell a range of products that can make you super like Nazar Pendants and Inflatable Sofas!

And like Superman has Kryptonite, I have Ronnie – my wife. The only one that stands between me and my superpower destiny! So, these days, while she is away in Delhi, I get to perfect my craft.

So Friday evening, it’s business as usual. I veg-out in front of my TV in search of new adventures, and to drop in on some old friends who’ve evolved during my absence. And oh boy, was I rewarded! Evil Grin

DPL – Dance Premier League – This is an attempt to divide the country with the two things that most of us Indians are very passionate about. Bollywood Dance and Cricket. The country is divided into five zones – North, East, South, West, and Central. There is also a representation from Pardesi Desis – the NRIs. These teams are pitted against one another in a show that redefines mediocrity. The lack of talent of the participants is rivaled only by the dumbness of the judges.

Terminal Velocity (in Hindi) – This was nowhere near the class of Spiderman-2 that I watched in Bhojpuri. Not even close. But the sight of Charlie Sheen speaking like a tapori makes you a believer in the parallel universe concept. Don’t miss the customary end-of-movie kiss scene where the VO artists demonstrate their ability to make chirping sounds. Classic!

Pati, Patni, aur Woh – The classic boring tale of an Indian household. Spiced up with angled stare-shots and cheap bollywood music to suit the context. Even Rakhiji's presence couldn't salvage this show. 'nuf said? Makes you long for a break like the end credits for a Himesh movie…

Big Boss Season 3 – Nothing more pitiful than the sight of Amitabh Bachhan trying to understand the psyche of the participants who’ve been kicked out. To my good fortune, this time was KRK or Kamal Rashid Khan – the star of the legendary Deshdrohi.

Ninja Pandav – I swear to God I am not kidding. I probably am the first superhero to do this, but I have attached photographic evidence. The pic also contains a synopsis of the program. I am not worthy to comment.

CID – A spoof of CSI. Chronicles the average day in the life of a crack investigation unit led by a constipated but hilarious ACP, and his team that comprises of politically-correct cross-section of people, religions, and personalities like a funny Catholic and an absent-minded coroner. Unlike the Bruckheimer production, you always have to slap the suspect (in true Indian police tradition) for him/her to confess. A must-see if you are a fan of CSI…

Bairi Piya – A soap that started off as a real-life depiction of farmer suicides. The TRPs showed that the audiences wanted to see this program as bad as Abhijeet Sawant’s next movie. The producers then turned this into a rich landlord and poor landless farmer’s daughter romance. TRPs soar, producers happy!

These were sprinkled with promos of soaps, and upcoming movies that include Himesbhai’s Radio. That hurt… But what really got me curious was the promo of a show that reveals details of your past life! I would’ve been willing to give my remote-wielding right arm to find out had it not been for Facebook. Coz I know that I was Einstein in my past life! Who’s your daddy now?

And if you think there are any more such programs I can test my endurance with, please suggest them. I need to know the limits to my superpower...

P.S.: Thanks Hyacie for motivating me to write. Encourages me to know that someone actually reads these…

Post P.S.: Don’t tell my wife…

*Post-Post P.S.: Gotcha! Shaktiman and Rakhiji are not white. But gimme a break…

The saga continues…

I have to confess… For a long time, I haven’t wanted to be addicted to a program so much. And I really don’t know why. The princess has surprised me with her humility (Like when she comforts an eliminated candidate by saying, ‘I hope you find someone better and more beautiful than me.’) and character (Staring down a contestant who hands her a Bacardi saying sum’ like, ‘The media has portrayed me as someone who is bold, but nothing is farther from the truth.’). I had tears trying to feel her pain. But at-least, the princess will ride away with a man who truly deserves her.

And no matter who wins (or is it loses), he TRULY deserves her. Help me understand this – there are guys who have wasted precious days of their life trying to get married to Rakhi Sawant, and that one of them is actually going to do that? Unreal!

I admit that in my 31 years, I have seen some pretty interesting things. I’ve seen a Bear ride a bicycle, an Elephant riding a tricycle, six sixes being hit in an over, Deccan Chargers winning the IPL, and then some. But I never imagined I’d live to see the day that Rakhi Sawant will act shy and coy!

Episode 3 was a (brace yourself) ‘Love Letter Reading Competition’. One dude’s idea about a love letter was to ask Rakhiji to challenge her suitors to sign legal papers. EVEN Rakhiji thought that it went too far. But Rakhiji heard all of them patiently and chose two guys. One for coffee and one for dinner. .. Oh and she went on record to say, “I have never been on a date, and I don’t know what happens on a date” (watch the embedded video 5:40). And by the end of it she was smitten by a fellow from Rishikesh. She also asked a dude something to the effect, ‘Can you believe that you are sitting across a table from ME?’.Now that’s humility (again). The other guy was a total loser because he chose to miss his sister’s wedding to be on a show that will test how low you can stoop to be with a mass of botox and silicon... I think he’s already proved that.

But the highlight of the show was when she voluntarily represented ALL women in India to say that 'All Indian women are housewives'. I bet the feminazis will go on a rampage against this... Like the guy who went with her on coffee says, 'Ek saath kitni khushi dogey mujhe? Mei ek aam insaan hoon.'? (Roughly translates into 'How much happiness will you give me, all at the same time? I am only human'.) I haven't been this entertained in a while...

A fairytale begins...

Rakhi Sawant’s Swayamwar!

Hosted by a sitcom star, the show takes the audience through the dreamy journey of a girl to find her one true love. There are 16 princes who are ready to face limitless eliminations to win the hand of the princess in marriage. They are ready to accept the challenge of a Swayamwar.

For the uninitiated, a Swayamwar is a ritual in which a bride chooses her husband from a group of hopefuls. Only in this case, it’s a diverse bunch ranging from a Haryanvi student to a Kashmiri police officer to an engineer from Delhi to a Canadian businessman to a Mumbaikar choreographer to what have you… And some of them even shut Rakhi up! Methinks the stage is set for the biggest reality show on Indian television. Ever!

Rakhi Sawant is considered the most obnoxious person on screen by people who haven’t seen Balkrishna in action. She changed the entertainment quotient of Indian television starting from her ‘Pardesia’ video, to her causing a riot in a police show, to single-handedly bumping up ratings for ‘Big Boss’, to publicly dumping her boyfriend on primetime. She has been there, done that.

Now, the lady wants to settle down to a ‘Happily Ever After’. So what does she do? Hold a Swayamwar! Not a good idea if you want people to change their notion that it is a publicity stunt.

This is a program I would recommend to anyone who can’t get enough of silly entertainment and for those whose taste range from bad to perverted. I switched it on out of morbid curiosity. And Man! Was I rewarded? (Best enjoyed when baked.)

The program is available on NDTV Imagine from 2100 – 2200, and is brought to you by Fem Bleach, Manforce Condoms, iPill emergency contraceptive, and the like.

Freedom of expression…

Freedom of expression is a concept that ranges from simple logic to complex legality. But the essence of the right is a person’s wish to speak freely. Now, as all fans of Spiderman are aware, ‘With great power comes great responsibility’ and the same goes for freedom of expression.

However, in most civilized societies (I await the results of the 2009 election before deciding where to classify India), this freedom excludes ‘Hate’ and ‘Offense’. It’s another debate as to what either of them mean… I mean, even in a simple household like mine, classics like ‘Goonda’, ‘Deshdrohi’, and the like are offensive to the missus, and movies like ‘Mamma Mia’ that makes me sick. (I bet Kamaal R Khan could own Meryl Streep and her flock of pansies any day... Bring it on!) This conflict of perception also happens when you inform the twit, whose car brushes yours, about your intentions for him and his dear ones… And when a packed crowd cheered Raj or Varun, there was a whole other crowd who s#at their pants! So, this conflict of perception is nothing new to us and we eperince it at various levels.

However, how do you react to something said under influence? Something said after you smoked(or whatever) something weird, but potent and then you are all of a sudden put on national television for comments? And you do not have time to grip facts or reality for that matter? Well I guess it would come out something like this, this, this, or this. (This guy Zaid Hamid never fails to crack me up!)

Cheers guys. I hope you too can share some more such stoner comedies… And I hope guys like him are not persecuted for their free speech or else we would lose some quality entertainment!

The beggar and the queen…

Cartoon by Ayan

It was no surprise actually… Like a couple of queens coming out of the closet, the Pakis and Taliban have officially announced their marriage yesterday. The wedding was paid for by the allies of the war on terror!

About 70% of money that Pak gets as aid in the ‘War on Terror’ is ‘suspiciously spent’. Like to build a house for an army general… What really irks me is the US feigning ignorance of these facts. Have they ever seen a cent of their aid money being spent on fighting extremism? The soldiers who fight the so called ‘War on Terror’ do it with sandals and bolt action rifles! Something else that's is that despite fighting enemies wielding AK56s with inferior gear, the casualties are negligible. (I am not complaining that the Paki soldiers are alive and well – soldiers are probably the only professionals who still do the duty without any grudge.) That should’ve been the first clue that these guys are sitting around in the cold, drinking ‘khaava’ and playing cards. With each other, for all you know!

And the reason for the alliance was equally obnoxious. According to the report in the International Herald Tribune, "About 3,000 Taliban militants have kept 12,000 government troops at bay and terrorized the local population with floggings and the burning of schools." ...And so we decided to forge an alliance. Bullcrap!

We have been crying hoarse about the double game that Mush was playing all the while. And once more yesterday after the happy marriage, the Pakis put in a fresh requestfor a handout! I doubt they will be denied the aid from IMF. But what I fail to understand is how come the issue of misuse of the aid was not figured out earlier? I guess it’s because the west is not familiar with the beggars in the South Asia. And now that they’ve watched a bit of Slumdog Millionaire, they are more in tune with the ‘Paki-aid-trick’.

Let’s look at the parallel - that of a beggar on the street. S/He comes to your car each day, only looking for money. You try and help her/him with food or clothes, s/he isn’t really interested. None of this money ever goes into anything that will benefit them. You give them clothes, the next day, they are there again, half-naked. The money you give in alms is spent on alcohol/narcotics and the rest goes to their bosses.

Similarly, the Pakis are not interested in aid that will benefit the war on terror. They just want money. They then buy their toys and promptly hand over a ‘cut’ to the Al-Qaedas, HUJIs, LeTs and Talibans of the world. The next day, they are back on the streets again. Stinking like a sin. And yet they succeed in raising money...

When will this menace end?

Caste-ing (c)ouch!

The caste system that was prevalent in the Indian society granted different privileges to a person based oh their caste. This is similar to the path-breaking proposal earlier by your truly. So, it essentially meant that if you are a low caste, you can not drink from the same well, pray in the same temple, eat certain things, what not. So, one would naturally assume that being a low caste kinda sucked, right?

WRONG! Boys and Girls, Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to the world of reservations! A new ideology where the ‘in’ thing is to be an outcast!

How? Very simple! If you belong to a particular category, you can get whatever job you want, go to whatever institution with a fraction of the effort! And yes, you can compete in the general category as well if you’re half as good. If you don’t get through, there’s the backdoor. This backdoor is called reservation.

Now that the concept is clear, I’d like to introduce you to a disturbing trend. Despite a ceiling of 50% (WTF??!!) on reservation, a state like Tamilnadu has 69% reservation. Another interesting fact is that 87% of the state’s population qualifies for it! That means that 7 out of every 10 buses that ply in Tamilnadu are driven by someone who didn’t ‘quite’ know how to drive! Scary? You bet it is!

Unfortunately, the sad part is that 13% of the population has to work twice or thrice as hard to get into the same college or job. But who cares? Even an illiterate can do the math – 87 votes is more than 13.

Seats are reserved for Schedules Castes, Scheduled Tribes, and Other Backward Castes (based chiefly on caste at birth) in varying ratio by the central government and state government. This caste is decided based on birth, and can never be changed. While a person can change his religion, and his economic status can fluctuate, the caste is permanent. In central government funded higher education institutions, 22.5% of available seats are reserved for Scheduled Caste (Dalit) and Scheduled Tribe (Adivasi) students (15% for SCs, 7.5% for STs). This reservation percentage has been raised to 49.5%, by including an additional 27% reservation for OBCs. In AIIMS 14% of seats are reserved for SCs, 8% for STs. In addition, SC/ST students with only 50% scores are eligible. This ratio is followed even in Parliament and all elections where few constituencies are earmarked for those from certain communities. For example, In Andhra Pradesh, 25% of educational institutes and government jobs for BCs, 15% for SCs, 6% for STs and 4% for Muslims. (That's 50%!)

And something very interesting is happening in Rajasthan as you read this: the Gujjar community wants to avail reservations and are fighting (and violently at that) to be called Scheduled Castes! To put that in perspective that we can identify, it’s like Amitabh Bachhan wanting to be a porn star so that his son can get a government job! Yes. It is that ridiculous!

Is there a way out? IMHO, the only way out is education. The whole “I will not send my son to school, but I want him to be a CEO” shit won’t fly… What we need is a paradigm shift. Reservation is just an excuse for being mediocre. According to the Sachar Commission, the Indian Muslim is not being provided the right education. And according to a related report, the Indian Christian has the highest literacy and the lowest employment rate. I agree with the BJP when they say that the reports have been manipulated for electoral reasons.

So, where will this end? I think the constitution should declare that all Indians are Scheduled Castes. And remove religion from the equation.

If you are still wondering why we can not co-exist peacefully, it’s because we have been divided by OUR constitution and played on this ever since by OUR leaders!

Read No Evil...

Caution: Longish, severely MCPish and anti-Feminazzi post

Do we really (like really, really) need Taslima back?

Taslima Nasreen, described as “a physician, a writer, a radical feminist, human rights activist and a secular humanist” by her official website, is craving to come back to Calcutta. The literary circles and activist groups are crying hoarse about her plight. Why? For those new to the newest poster-child for freedom of speech, here’s why…

Excerpts from Wikipedia: (What would we ever be without Wikipedia…)

“Taslima Nasreen is a Bengali Bangladeshi ex-physician turned feminist author who describes herself as a secular humanist. From a modest literary profile in the late 1980s, she achieved a meteoric rise to global fame by the end of the twentieth century, for her severe criticism of Islam and of religion in general.”

“Autobiographical books of Taslima raised controversy not only because of her criticisms of Islam but also for narratives involving the private lives of people. Taslima candidly described her sexual relationship with a number of named persons. She also touched upon her relationship with her four Bangladeshi husbands. Published in 2003, Ka, her third autobiographical book, was the first to raise such issues.”

“Ka, published in Bangladesh, is a self-censored version of Dwikhonditp published in India. Dwikhonditp is said to contain critical comments on the Prophet Muhammad (according to Islamic Sharia law, criticism of Muhammad is haraam and punishable by execution, provided Sharia law is in force). The latter was also banned in India by the Calcutta High Court in the state of West Bengal on 18 November, 2004.”

Now we know why she is in exile for the last 14 years. The poor lady can not enter her own country; leave alone any country with a semblance of religion… She was unceremoniously evicted from Calcutta after fierce protests. Before that, she was assaulted during a book release in Hyderabad. She was then taken to Delhi and kept in “safe custody” fearing attempts on her life. (BTW, there is a prize on her head… In March 2007, the "All India Ittehad Millat Council" of Bareilly U.P offered 500,000 rupees for her beheading.)

All this just for being promiscuous? Or for publishing those escapades? Or, is it just because she is a raving anti-Islamist? Maybe because she criticized The Prophet? What if she wanted more money? Vanity? Fame? Attention?

We shall never know. But what we do know is that she is ‘longing’ to return to Kolkata and is wondering why the government won’t let her. She innocently asks, “Kolkata is where I had set up my home. Can't I be allowed by the West Bengal government to return to my city?” I’ll hazard a guess – The Government and the people of West Bengal don’t F#@%ing want her back. And what makes her think that India will extend her Visa? Or will we see another “Ka” about her attempts to get her Visa extended? Hmmm… Her popularity abroad is also quite evident – “In 2005, her attempt to read an anti-war poem entitled "America" to a large Bengali crowd attending the North American Bengali Conference at Madison Square Garden resulted in her being booed off the stage”

What would you do if you were in her place? How will you fight this cruel, cruel world? If you ask me, I would shut the f@#k up! I never, ever kiss and tell all. I would pray to Allah to forgive my sins and publicly apologize for my indiscretions with the pen (and whatever).

Because, my dear lady, we Indians are forgiving. But we are also sensitive people who fear God. You may have had experiences that were unfortunate. But don’t blame them on The Prophet, or The Paramatma, or The Heavenly Father. Because in India, we live by a simple code: Love your Country, honor your Gods, and respect your elders. Honestly, we don’t really care whether you believe in the same God, but we will kick your @$$ back to Bangladesh if you disrespect ours. And going by the love your people have for you, you really don’t want to go back there!


P.S.:
1) This is one post I sincerely pray my wife doesn’t read. She’s a bit left of center I’m more center of right…
2) I know you may say that I’m still being ‘analy Catholic’ (a good friend once remarked so on another issue) and a bigot… Maybe I am :(
3) Freedom of speech and slander are two entirely different things. If you call your dog my name, what stops me from naming a bitch after your mother and leave her out with street dogs and writing about it huh? I’m sorry, that’s not freedom of speech! [I am using this as an example and I do not intend to infringe on that copyright]
4) If you’ve read so far, thanks. Dude, you really have nothing better to do? *LOL*

Feeling Artsy?

Image 1

Image 2


When does something cross the line from artsy to obscene? Why is a nude painting artistic, whereas half-clad cheerleading is obscene? I am referring to this article where Justice Sanjay Kishan Kaul noted that the complainants, “seem to be of the type who wouldn't go to any art gallery or have any interest in contemporary art because if they did, they would know that there are many artists who embrace nudity as part of their contemporary art."

About this time last year, we had a scandal involving Richard Gere and Shilpa Shetty. The court in Rajasthan ordered the arrest of the duo under IPC Section 294 (committing obscene act in a public place). What really happened was that Gere kissed Shetty on her cheeks. Thrice! The whole nation went up in arms against the incident. Recently, we had the cheerleader issue in the IPL. In both the above cases, the people in question had more than enough clothing to cover ‘objectionable’ areas.

Not so in MF Hussain’s case. He painted Hindu deities and Mother India in the nude. The kind of action that could get you fatwa’d. How different is he from the Dutch artist who cartooned The Prophet? At-least the cartoonist had sense to clothe and add a turban to the cartoon in question.

Oh I get it. The cartoonist hurt the religious sentiments of Muslims. Whereas, according to the ruling yesterday, MF was just being a ‘contemporary’ artist. I stand corrected. Depicting Goddesses in the nude is freedom of expression… How dumb of me!

Coming back to the Judge’s comment, I still have not understood ‘contemporary’ art. I hate modern art. I think inkblots have more character than most of the obscenely expensive stuff that looks worse than the paintings of a kindergarten kid high on LSD, let lose with a paintbrush. I fail to see art in them, and I have tried hard. Look at these few exhibits…
Exhibit 1
Exhibit 2
Exhibit 3
Exhibit 4

Hell! I can do better than that!

And just in case you were wondering, the first image is ‘Fishbowl’ by a kindergarten kid and the second by Picasso called ‘Still Life’. To me the fishbowl looks more artsy than the still life. But, then again, that’s me.

The newest circus...

I love to be entertained. To be honest, I have a morbid craving for amusement… Every morning I wake up, I thank God I am born in India. I would have been bored out of my wits in any other country…

The Hogenakkal project – an innocent proposal to provide drinking water to two districts in Tamilnadu using Tamilnadu’s share of the Cauvery water. A agreement between the two states in 1998 had ensured that neither of them will object to any project that the other does with its share of water from Cauvery. So, the TN Chief Minister lays the foundation stone for the project in February ’08. Everything’s well? Far from it.

Why? The reason for this is evident – elections in Karnataka are fast approaching. And what better election propaganda than some good old regionalism? And nothing excites us more than someone singing a parochial song. Who cares about eliminating poverty? Nobody gives a rat’s ass about corruption. Only sissies talk about good things. We want divides! Indians are quick to polarize, so one issue and you can win an election. This is the only tried and tested election tune. So much for the background…

The media, quick to act in such situations, has blown it into an epidemic that promises them TRPs. The Tamil film fraternity organizes a day-long hunger strike. It is attended by Rajnikant, Kamal Hassan, Sharat Kumar, Vijaykant, Madhaven, Ajith, and many such big names. The K’taka cine stars also staged a similar protest in Bangalore, but nobody remembers who came…

Rajnikanth, Asia’s second highest paid star, criticized the instigators for making such a big hue and cry over this issue. He warned that the people will not keep quiet. The Kannadiga brigade was quick to ask for an apology. For what? Even they don’t know! But you can gauge the general state of mind from the comments section of Rediff. Scholars, philosophers, thinkers, all putting in their two bits. Do spend a minute or two extra to admire the erudite nature of the comments and the wonderful prose…

Excerpts:
“Though the Devaki given birth to Lord Krishna he was fully owned to Yasodha, as same case Rajnikanth thougth he was was born in Karnataka he raised his in Tamil Nadu”

“it is u kannadigas who r the arrogant lot. Refusing to cooperate with u r fellow indians and having a dispute with all u rneighbours. In the north u have stolen belgaum from maharashtra, u dont allow krishna water into andhra, In south u r fighting with kerala for kasargod,usurped coorg which is not urs at all, now u want h ognekal.”

“We dont need ur explainations poge is tulu word which is also karnataka language and this has been copied to tamil so taminadu is ours....get lost with ur logic”

Disclaimer: I have not altered even a character in the above excerpts. All rights belong to Rediff.

(The beauty of these comments are that they hide more than they reveal, like in thr first comment, "raising his in Tamilnadu" I need to know now... Raising his WHAT??!! Tell me please...)

The part two of this circus started in Mumbai with a newspaper taking pot-shots at Amitabh Bachchan for not being like Rajnikanth! But I’ll leave that issue for some other time. Currently, I am enjoying the South Indian angle and am addicted to the comments on Rediff.

Masti ki paathsaala…

I used to think that kids these days aren’t having as much fun as we did… We had more space, ‘real’ playgrounds, friends, trees and stuff. I used to think that we are witnessing a new generation of kids whose hands need to be held at every step, who require guidance at every stage, who are on cellular leashes.

I used to think that the dictum of ‘Mata, Pita, Guru, Daivam’ [which, in Sanskrit is the hierarchy of divinity (meaning Mother, Father, Teacher, God)] still holds true.

I used to think wrong! Go through the links below and tell me what YOU think…

Hilarious one here
L for lawyer!
Art for beginners
Eddie Griffin’s thoughts

And till I read Eddie Griffin’s blog, I’d never of concepts like Dropout Prevention sessions, ODD (Oppositional Disruptive Disorder) and stuff like that!

Can you tell me where we’re headed?

*Picture courtesy Salon.com*

The search continues…

I started writing this as a reply to Sue’s comment to allow Female Gods in ‘our’ outfit. Got too long and I thought I might as well post it. Let me start by setting the context right here…

The search for a new, parochial, God-figure started in response to violence in many parts of the country against people from ‘other’ regions. These people who want total rights over ‘their’ land come from a certain school of political thought – I, Me, and Myself. So, please keep that in mind.

I’ve been consulting for some time now, and the one thing that I’ve learnt is that unless your solution, product, or service meets the end user requirements, it is a disaster. However, the end user doesn’t have control over what is bought. A salesman sells a product to the CXOs, CFOs, COOs of the world, who in all probability do not use the solution in the first place. That puts your brand image at stake, because the users start complaining after a while… Therefore a good solution, in addition to making ‘business sense’ to the top bosses (read massaging their ego), should also be appealing to the masses. That is consulting!

I shall examine the situation for you. This, of-course, should have been a PowerPoint presentation, but no one’s interested in seeing them (what’s new?). So I give you the gist of it here.

Management
Vision (Propaganda)
Revenues (Party Collections)
Investor Relations (Vote Bank)
Shareholder Value (Advantages for the rank and file)
Market Share (Actual number of seats)

End User
Ease (Will I ‘have’ to work?)
Appeal (How will I be identified as a part of this outfit?)
Productivity gain (How many people out of 10 will (or can be forced to) contribute?)
Earnings (And how much can I siphon off?)
Growth (How fast can I move to the next level? Is there another ‘group’ we can target?)

An altruistic solution WILL NOT help. No one’s buying that and we’re not here for charity. A leftist approach too, is out of the question. The top bosses do not (secretly) endorse the concept of equality. We are, therefore left with a concept of a right-winged outfit that deludes you into believing that it is participative. The righter, the better.

Now that we have identified the target audiences, we need to offer a solution. So, put on your thinking caps and give me options. If you think they are a bit long, e-mail them to me. I’ll compile them for another post and shall acknowledge your contribution. Who knows? You may even qualify for the top job if you can spew enough venom! And I am open to Gods, Goddesses and beyond.

And remember – Right is right.

Ads that make you go WTF...

The ‘WTF’ award for advertising excellence.

Advertisements are usually what we always end up watching on TV... So what better category to start these awards with? It has always amazed me that companies that can afford to pay obscene money for the air-time are not willing to pay a fraction of that for something creative? Especially the pan masala ads! Never seen a good one! Even otherwise, there's a huge list of ads that make you go WTF! Oye Bubblyy, Pepsi TV (Pepsi), Fair n Lovely, Harpic, Swagat Baniyan... the list is endless. And, they never stop!

So, we try and rate them here and vote for the worst, the one that offends your senses, sensitivities, sensibilities, sanity, intellect...

Category : Automobiles
(Bikes)

1) Yamaha Alba:
Hot babe sees dude riding a Yam. Sighs deeply (almost climaxing) while thumbing for a lift. Dude doesn’t care and rides on. Hot babe goes on to get the bike tattooed on her back! Thumbs dude again for a lift while turning around. Dude stops and says, “The new Yamaha Alba”. Hot babe retorts, “I’ve got it too”, and turns around. The two ride away…

2) Yamaha Gladiator:
Babe with a gang of boys in a club. Loser dude (the kinda guy who would be perfect for the MLTR crib song, “I’m not an actor, I’m not a star”) is smitten by girl. Takes out a can (mind you – a single can) of paint and does a graffiti of babe’s face on the wall. Babe smiles, kinda bites lower lip… Stud with girl defaces the painting. Loser dude sprays paint on stud’s shirt, grabs babe’s hand, and runs for it. Cut to loser dude and babe locking themselves is a shed of sorts and the gang of boys beating down the door. Loser dude then gets a bright one and proceeds to do another graffiti, this time a bike. Bike comes to life, Loser dude and babe smash wall and ride away!

3) Hero Honda CD Deluxe:
Architect boy gets call letter from an American company. Gets on his ‘deluxe’ to mail his Visa application. Just before mailing it, he asks himself, “America mein aisa kya hai jo India mai nahi hai?’ Realization hits him and he tears the application into pieces, litters, and rides away (now you know why we love it in India!). The catchline goes something like, “India ka naya deluxe bike aur seat pe naya Indian!”

So, cast your votes, on the left of your screen. And vote for the ad that really makes you go WTF! Send in categories and nominations using the comments section!