Indian Putrid League…

Q: What happens when a petty dimwit, who leads a hugely successful franchise, faces off with a suave lobbyist?

A: Crap hits the fan!

Welcome dear friends to a side-act that seems to be dominating India’s richest circus – Indian Premier League. IPL, as it is better known, started as an idea by the Indian cricketing legend Kapil Dev, to hone the cricketing talent of the country. At a time when India’s cricketing board considered T20, the shortest format of the game to be just a fad, Kapil Dev created the Indian Cricket League (ICL) with private sponsors. The event was an instant success for the cricket-hungry nation with international players mentoring upcoming Indian cricketers and enthralling crazed fans.

Enter Lalit Modi, who convinces the BCCI (Indian Cricket Board) that with the Indian team winning the 2007 T20 world cup, the fad is here to stay. For a plan to cash-in on the rush, Lalit Modi revisits the ICL plan, Cntrl+A, Cntrl+X, Cntrl+V. Viola! IPL is born. He then resorts to the cheap tactic of banning all Indian players in the ICL from representing the country. Trivializes Kapil Dev’s efforts and gets the ICC (International Cricketing Council) to discredit the ICL. What happens to ICL? Shift+Del!

What followed were two hugely successful seasons that cashed in on two evergreen passions of the Indian Man – Cricket and White Babes. The IPL wants more and invites bids for two new teams. Team Pune and Team Kochi offer whopping amounts of USD 350M and USD 333M for their teams, and win the bid. The Kochi bid is put together by Rendezvous sports, a bunch of unrelated parties brought together by Dr. Shashi Tharoor, an erudite politician from Trivandrum. Suddenly, something.

What follows is a developing story and the plot, sub-plots, characters, locales, and political affiliations will change. Continuously, randomly.

Act 1. The Kochi franchise’s papers are returned, citing lack of paperwork as the reason. As any Indian will know, the next logical thing is to slip a fiver into the babu’s pocket. The franchise, rather than slipping a fiver in the pocket, spends time, money, and energy in compiling paperwork.

Act 2. Modi tweets about irregularities in the partnership and attacks Shashi Tharoor personally, and insinuating his financial interest in the franchise. He also confesses to having received a call from Tharoor asking him to ‘back off’ from the scrutiny of the Kochi team’s papers.

Act 3. Dr Tharoor tweets ‘I’ve had enough” and issues a press release. He refrains from any personal attacks, but his aides and confidants do not. They publish Modi’s past in the US as a cocaine peddler, kidnapper, and assaulter. (?!)

Act 4. The Kochi team challenges Modi to disclose the ownership patterns of all teams. This supposedly caused a minor tremor in Lahore, where the ‘Bhai’ is living off ISI’s money and hospitality. (Any Indian company is only legitimate if the ‘Bhai’ has a stake in it.) Tharoor receives a threat SMS from the ‘Bhai’ (which will be eventually traced to some wannabe dumfuk) and his security is beefed up.

Act 5. Another disclosure linking Modi to a model and a probable casting pitch(?) scandal raises eyebrows. Modi is asked by the BCCI to stop tweeting and not make further comments (till they receive their share?) until the matter is sorted.

Act 6. BJP demands Tharoor’s resignation. (Again, this is the only logical conclusion for any problem.)

Update: April 18, 2010

Tharoor quits his post as a minister in the external affairs ministry.

Update: April 21, 2010

The BCCI and IPL governing council suggest Modi's exit. The defiant Modi refuses to go down

Disclaimer: My being a Mallu doesn’t necessarily mean that I am a fan of Tharoor by default. I honestly think that he should quit politics, since the political scene is not yet ready for a class act like him. IMO, it is his skill as a lobbyist that put a motley crew together to bid for a team. Moreover, even in the unlikely event that he has a financial stake in the outfit, isn’t it better than having underworld connections and other assorted mafia links? I’m really curious to see how Modi will come out of this…

The Walkerashtra…

If there’s one thing I’ve learnt from the last 10 years, it is this: No one messes with a deluded man out to kill himself. At-least in India!

In the not so distant future, to be precise, on January 12, 2028 (providing the world survives 2012, of course), I shall form Walkerashtra, the 87,229,317^th state of the Republic on India.

And unlike the politicians of today, I shall gain approval by more persuasive means – eating unto death! Unlike fasting, eating has the additional advantage of flatulence, which has proved to be extremely effective in influencing others to not mess with you.

Walkerashtra will be created on one principle – absolute and unequivocal acceptance of its great leader – TheWalker (a la DPR Korea, the utopian society that my dear friend Max opened my eyes to). In the 120,178 sq.meters of Walkerashtra, there will be 7 statues of mine; and the entire population of 9 humans, 5 dogs, and other insects will sing songs in praise of my blog posts and my future as the unrivaled Godman.

The state animal will be a Labrador Retriever named Elvis ‘Popo’ Presley (in memory of our first dog), the state bird will be the mosquito (a homage to Kerala, my home state), and such. We shall rename every dog as either Tyson or Dopey, all trees will be called coconut trees, and each of the three street crossings will be called Walker Chowk!

My one-man state assembly, will pass a resolution to have ‘Walker’ included in the name of the airport that we share with 2,342 other states 45 miles away, and the railway station, 10 miles away, shared by 87. I too, shall collect state government taxes from all passing vehicles that have to cross about 217 states to travel 5 miles – a week-long road trip.

The central government is a sham by now, since coalitions are formed that get a majority every 7 minutes. I, personally shall be a part of at-least 3,956,317 coalitions, that were in power for a total of 187 hours – a new record, making me a national hero!

And that, my dear friends, will be the beginning to my world-domination plans. Boohaahaahaa…

I Stay...

Cartoon by Ayan

Well guys, now that I’ve decided not to emigrate to the seemingly greener and safer pastures in Afghanistan or SWAT, I’m returning to my page.

Those of you following the greatest democratic mandate in the world would agree with me that before the counting began on May 16, the future seemed pretty bleak. The prospects of a third front, or possibly even a fourth front coming to power looked inevitable. Imagine the depths that a Prime Minister like Mayawati could have led us to… (shudder!) That was when I seriously thought about migration to a place that would be safer, less corrupt, and with some prospects of earning honest bucks. Like somewhere in the SWAT valley or Afghanistan...

Somebody like Mayawati (and we do not have any dearth of such politicians) could have turned this country into a UP-like state of lawlessness and apathy! (Anybody who has visited UP in the last couple of years will understand what I'm saying here.) And we would have little option , but to move to more developed centers to earn a living... Imagine a son-of-the-soil leader in Pak styled on Raj Thakeray, rallying the masses and beating up 'bloody Indians' who come to Pakistan to steal their livelihood... Trust me, we weren't far... and that's what scared the Zardari out of me!

Thankfully after the counting, things looks good, with Dr Manmohan Singh continuing as the PM. Though I am not pro-party, I want a stable government with competent leaders. With talks of people like Montek Singh, PC, Rahul Gandhi, Shashi Tharoor getting cabinet seats this time, the country looks ahead to good times. The BSE shared the optimism this morning and rocketed to about 13,500 in just 3 minutes! For the first time in its history, the BSE hit its upper circuit. Trading was halted till 11:55 and then it hit the circuit again in 10 seconds flat!

I pray that the INC capitalizes on this wave and elevate the image of politics in India from the depths it is currently in, to at-least ground level. And I wish others would learn from the mandate and do something similar. And I hope that the people of India realoze that they need to play a more active role in governance.

AWOL for 6 Weeks...

Well, what do I say? The financial year ends keeping most of us on our toes and the rest of us on the sidelines watching the fun. You guessed right about which group I belong to (wink).

The world’s changed quite a bit since Feb 17, ’09 (hint: my last post), and I thought I’d put in my two bits of how it’s affecting me…

Valentines Hang-over

You would’ve guessed it… The generous contributors to the ‘pink chaddi’ campaign who were discreet enough to write down their personal address and numbers on the couriers expecting a sari, are now flooded with obscene calls from the outfit’s workers. I’m not surprised at all! Moreover Muthalik plans to sue all contributors to the campaign for defamation. His logic: It is ‘perverted’. Hmmm… I wonder what could be more perverted than beating up hapless young women… I know: wearing chaddis! According to Ravi, a passionate fan of Muthalik, underwear is not a part of Indian culture. Now that makes us all ‘Christian Westerners’ don’t it? (Please see comment under: HELL WITH THE FREE CULTURE PROTOGANISTS.... HELL WITH PUB CULTURE by Ravi on 23 Feb 2009 on the second link)

Shift Focus

The Maharashtra government is planning to shift this year’s Ganesh Pooja celebrations to Kabul. This was keeping in mind the inability to provide adequate security for the event. The authorities decided on Kabul after extensive survey of ‘low risk’ cities around the world that ended with Kabul tied with Lahore and Baghdad. The samitis have already started contacting their donors and members to start processing their travel paper-work, growing beards, stitch burquas, and the like. Keeping in mind the taliban’s sensitivity to music, the crowds will have to use personal MP3 players. Each committee will post their music on the net where the devotees can download the playlist.

Of course this ain’t true (not for 2009 at-least)! But the IPL season 2 has definitely moved to South Africa citing similar reasons…

The Other Gandhi…

The obscurity of Varun Gandhi has come to an end. Everybody knows ‘the other Gandhi’ now. As the poster boy of the right-wing, he was ‘forced’ to deliver a hate speech against the Muslims by his political opponents. Or so says his mother Maneka Gandhi. Her reasoning? It is incorrect to file a case against him. However, you would be glad to know that Varun was unrepentant. This didn’t stop the UP government from slapping the NSA on him. As the biggest reality show in India hits the road, you can expect a lot more action…

Held Hostage

I was held hostage at home today from 08:00 to 11:15 by my maid. It was traumatizing to say the least. Ron’s in Mukhteshwar with Baba and Ma and that leaves me home alone for the next few days. So, I have to wait for the maid to do her thing before I leave for work. Praveen Pandit had come over last evening and (correct me if I’m wrong, Pandit) was ready for work for the first time (ever) at 08:00. But then, we were held prisoners by the maid who decided to make an appearance at 11:00. The sweltering Mumbai heat (that’s touching 41 degrees Centigrade or 106 F) didn’t add to the experience. I tried to keep Pandit pacified with a few cups of coffee and then tea, but that din’t seem to cheer him up either. Finally we drove to work at 11:15 blasting heavy metal and that seemed to do the trick.

Well, as you’ve read, it’s been quite eventful, the past couple of months. I've also watched Mithunda's Goonda, and similar poems on celluloid thanks to Ratul. But I plan to pick up a copy of NFS Undercover sometime soon to help things along for the next few days/weeks… Which means that my fingers may be too swollen to type the next post.

So, till next time, be cool guys and keep walking!

The Fiasco and after…

I am probably the last blogger with his first take on the Satyam fiasco. My reason – it was surreal. And I needed to comprehend what happened, and how. And like I already mentioned, it was hard to believe.

The number 4 IT company in India admitting to financial data manipulation at the highest level despite having one of the ‘Big Four’ as its auditors, is astounding! And that too, someone with just about 3% of the stake in the company doing all this single-handedly? Farfetched. Something like this was possible in the early 20th century. But c’mon guys, this is the 21st century! It’s not as if Raju fudged the attendance records or something – this was a booker prize winning work of fiction.

If his admissions and subsequent reports are to be believed, the entire cash position was cooked up! Year after year. I find it hard to believe that no one else knew about this. I mean c’mon man, are we all to believe that he hired idiots and retards? That the innocent C-level didn’t have a clue about all this for all these years? That a firm like PWC was given the ‘Chinese 5-star factory tour’ and went back all praises? And that for all his efforts, Satyam was awarded the Golden Peacock for corporate governance? Bullcrap!

And disclosures of auditors that say that they attended meetings where the agenda was to cook books. They couldn’t understand what was going on just because the word ‘fudging’ was not used. Hmmm… let me think… get outta here! Either these guys were innocent as angels or they believe we are. And we all know we aren’t!

In my reckoning, this is just the tip of the iceberg. I think it’s just a while before the $hit hits the fan.

Ramalingaraju.com was the second most pathetic work of fiction. I refuse to believe that CEOs and Directors would want to openly declare their solidarity for RR. And that too, in grammar and language that could make the worst of Paki media persons cringe!

That the average Indian does not condone this didn’t come as a surprise to me. Like the protagonist in RGV’s Guru who bribes, cheats, and lies his way to the top, Raju too, is a hero to scores. And like ‘Gurubhai’, Raju also just wanted to do ‘bijnej’. The followers don’t give a fuk if he brings mistrust and disgrace to an industry which is already bearing the brunt of the global recession. All that matters is that they make their money. And that, my friends is the true ‘Indian Dream’!

I was almost admiring the genius of this guy when an interesting observation by Sharma Uncle, Baba’s closest friend made sense, “Yaar iss mei dimaag lagaaney ki koi zaroorat nahi hai. Aisi tuchha-panti toh chotey-motey contractor log barson se kartey aa rahe hain… Mazdoor kam lagao aur zyaada ka paisa mango.” (Translation: This didn’t require brains. This kind of third-class tactics were used by small time contractors from time immemorial… Employ less and show inflated wages.) This was no high-class fraud, this was just cheap and down-market! Sure, the scale was huge… but the scheme was pathetic. I expected better class out of the illustrious Satyam C-level, but what they’ve done wouldn’t even impress a pickpocket. The petty thief from his adjacent cell will own him anyday!

Now I wait for the day that Raju turns a politician. Well, that’s the only place he can find sympathizers. And that’s the ultimate glory that any petty criminal can hope for…

'Enhanced' thinking...

But seriously awesome!

Some extremely weird narcotics are floating around in Pakistan. Researchers are trying hard to determine its origins and compositions, but agree that it is an extremely potent hallucinogen.

The research team got a ‘whiff’ of this after watching a telecast of News1 on TV1, a Paki news channel. Zaid Hamid, a security consultant and strategic defence analyst based in Pakistan appears to be the discoverer/inventor of this wonder.

I stumbled upon this dude while researching the Paki sentiment on the Mumbai attacks. I hit a goldmine! This guy can keep us entertained for ages… He has his own regular program called ‘Brass Tacks’ that discusses a wide array of issues ranging from “US Grand Strategic Objectives” to “Zionist War Against Islam” to “Pakistan Afghan Policy” to “Hindu Zionism” and “Economic Terrorism”… He is hailed as an authority on anything that rolls, sails, or flies!

Read this:
“Zaid Hamid is critical of the present government of Pakistan, declaring it as a 'CIA-sponsored' democracy. He disapproves the concept of democracy in all its totality and claims it as unIslamic. He does not support secular liberal western democracy, nor advocates fascists totalatarian secular dictatorships. His ideology of political power is based on the doctrine of Allama Iqbal, which supports the concept of spiritual democracy or benovelent dictatorship.” I mean, he's the man!

From whatever I’ve seen and heard of him, he does some serious $h!t. I mean, c’mon… this guy is suggesting things like India, alongwith Israel and US planned and executed the attacks in Mumbai. (I don’t know about US and Israel, but I know for sure that the average Indian politician can not be involved in such a scheme. He neither has the intellect nor the b@ll$. And only someone who is into some serious substance abuse can imagine the Indian political system ‘doing’ something!)

You should actually check out his views! The first time I heard it, I was enraged. But then I realized that this could be good entertainment. The guy is hilarious. I would not be surprised if I heard him say that BMC will stop digging forever. Yeah… It’s that unbelievable.

So, all you Hindus, Christians, Liberal Muslims, Jews, Buddhists, Whites, African-(country here)s, Browns, Asians, Everyone actually, better watch out! The Zaidster is here and he is higher than ever. And unless you believe in 'benovelent dictatorship' and stuff like that, he's gonna getcha!

And thanks to Manoj, here are some more links: http://in.youtube.com/watch?v=bnITvE4qA4w http://in.youtube.com/watch?v=6Sn-kV9yR6U&feature=related

Tell me what you think...

Not the same old story…

Updated at 14:41 on Friday, Nov 28, '08...

On Wednesday evening, Chandu calls me to check if I’m okay and says that there has been some firing and a couple of blasts. I thank him for his concern and go to bed with “Some more blasts in town honey… Check the alarm, need to leave for work a bit early tomorrow. G’night.”

But yesterday, I realized that India will never be the same. As we saw the new face of terror - highly trained young men, motivated to kill for a perverse cause, held Mumbai to ransom for more than 40 hours…

I visited NDTV.com for some fresh news and what greeted me was, “Every now and again a player appears on the scene who will change the way the game is played.” That was the banner for RBS, but was so apt for the current situation. Comparisons to 9/11 and other similar attacks, to me, are erroneous. These are not suicide bombers itching to meet their maker. These are motivated, trained, and skilled young men who are out to kill by picking out their targets. They endure for hours on end, killing in abandon while the world watches.

I am not too optimistic about the future and this is why:

No support from the political quarter other than the vultures circling for their free bytes. The only message for them was: See, I am concerned, I love my country, I pay homage to the martyrs. If left to me, I would have been drinking their blood by now. Vote for me.

The Government still does not send out a strong message to the perps... Other than the promise to make them “pay a heavy cost”. The standard statement issued be it a pick-pocket or a terrorist. And to add to it, this is what the world has to say!

The armed forces were, obviously, not given a free hand. 16 terrorists can not hold the might of India’s armed forces. Not when the whole of Pakistan couldn’t hold them back for a few days when we kicked their asses all the way to Lahore in ’65 and after surrendering with more than a 100,000 troops in ‘71! No Way!

The Pak government is clueless at best (and conniving at worst). Despite capture of the terrorists, who claimed to be from Hyderabad while speaking in Punjabi accented Urdu – a clear indication of their origins, they still need evidence. The ex-chief if ISI, in condemning the attack, said that it was foolish if the Pak machinery was involved.

Despite a successful ‘dry-run’ of the crisis management plan, the benefit wasn’t evident. I would leave the post-mortem to the ‘experts’ and just say that I feel the need for a better, actionable, crisis management infrastructure.

My fellow countrymen preferred to go and gawk at the spectacle, causing immense inconvenience to the armed forces, rather than go to hospitals and donate blood…

The international community is apathetic at its best. Despite hard evidence, the west is still reluctant to admit Pak involvement. Musharraff jerked them off for sometime claiming to be an ally and no one knows whom the aid money actually funded…

The event received free publicity and there are probably thousands of young men and boys huddled in caves somewhere in Pakistan, wetting themselves with excitement, wishing hard that it was them, fantasizing that the next one will have them… And training for similar operations.

Our guardians fell to bullets despite wearing bullet-proof vests. When will we ever stop buying sub-par gear for the people who are willing to lay their lives down for us?

Paranoia seizes the nation as rumors of fresh firing at various places in Mumbai start spread like wildfire. Somebody’s idea of a joke has gone terribly wrong!

However, despite all this, there is still hope:
Brave men like Hemant Karkare, Ashok Kamte, Vijay Salaskar and their men, who laid their lives down for you and me. As I write, NSG commandos, MarCos, RAF, and other armed services personnel are in a fight to the finish.

We have captured their mother ship, found their boats, and apprehended terrorists in this short span. A tribute to our forces.

Stories of people who’ve shown maturity in the situation, and expressed their gratitude for the people who rescued them, rather than blame the system.

Authorities admitting intelligence failure and promising corrective action. I hope they do something at-least now.

And not the least, in contrast to point 6 above: My countrymen who wave their hands while the cameras pan, shout ‘Vande Mataram’ and ‘Bharat Mata ki Jai’ to cheer up the troops, hold a candle-light vigil for the martyrs, and such rather than be holed inside their homes.

No terrorist, no nation on earth can break the spirit of the people who live in this great country!

Craze for the Race...

Ready… Start!

Two words that will get your adrenalin rushing like nothing else!

But of-course, you have to see it to believe it. The Nehru Trophy Boat Race in Alleppy (or Aalappuzha) gives you an opportunity to understand that there are still sports other than Cricket that people still flock to. And love.

Ron had been to the NTBR 2008 and shot this video. And to think of it – she was just a few feet from the starting grid of the most famous boat race in the world.

I had been to an earlier edition and I know from personal experience that the atmosphere is electric! And the race you see on the video is THE snake boat race. The snake boats (called Chundan vallam in Malayalam) can seat more than 120 rowers, who row to the synchronization of the beats of the captain.

Next time you plan to go to Kerala, ask me about the Snake Boat Races.

Who’s having a blast?

The terrorists, for one, and we all know that. I was wondering who else was having a good time in the country… (For the uninitiated, I’m referring to this piece of news.)

The Excise officials?
I’ve done a lot of driving across state (and district) borders. The check-nakas or border check posts that dot the borders of states and are meant to curb transport of items for which the state has not collected tax. So, while driving out of Goa many a times, my car has been checked thoroughly for a bottle of Scotch that I could’ve hidden. But the search stops the moment you shell out some money. On an average, about 200 rupees per bottle… So, how much would the guy at the check-post have pocketed to pass these explosive-laden cars? Or did he already meet his 'target' for the day and decided not to check?

The TV News channels?
I was shocked at the number of advertisements cut-in during the reports of the blasts at Ahmedabad. The products were (probably strategically) selected to suit the target audience (Gujaratis) who were anxiously watching the program. How low will our media go? Only time will tell. In the meantime, we shall watch footages of the blast victims with a soundtrack of some b-grade movie song suggesting tragic loss! Sad? I’m not sure, but it sure as s#!t ain’t funny. But your media doesn’t give a damn! They’re already having a blast and laughing all the way to the bank.

The Intelligence community?
Well, they ‘were’ having a blast till the actual blasts took place. Now the poor guys are being blamed for whatever has happened. C’mon now! They were probably the ones who were actually gathering ‘intelligence’ about activities around them. Now does it really matter what those activities were? They can do just this much in their 10 to 5 jobs (leave home at 10, come back at 5). And the moment they are about to close-in on a lead, dang! It’s lunch-time. Or whenever they can get some verifiable intelligence, the media gets the leak and splash it on TV. Ejaz bhai will no doubt be thanking the media for helping him get away on time!

The police?
What they lack in ‘intelligence’, they make up with imagination. Like blaming Dr Talwar for his daughter’s death and creating a story around it. I really have a feeling that a section of our cops get together and smoke some 's#!t' whenever appraised of a ‘situation’. Arresting the culprit in Ahmedabad the day after the blast? Ingenious! But the unfortunate thing is that not even a jehadi is stupid enough to hang around the blast site and survey his handiwork. He’d rather be half-way across the world for all he cares.

The politicians?
Well, for sure! The NDA is cashing in on the blasts and trying to sweep the no-confidence debacle under the carpet. The Congress is frothing at the mouth swearing vengeance at the perpetrators of these ‘acts of senseless violence against innocent persons’. Other political parties have also rallied to ‘condemn’ the ‘unfortunate incidents’. It's business as usual, with the opposition too glad that something covered up the NC motion.


The blogosphere?
Oh yes! People like me who write and you who read. We’d like to know more. I was going through a similar write-up on one of my favorite blogs and I found this comment. Now the question is how many of us would’ve actually made that phone call? The more difficult question is, ‘How many of us would’ve confronted them?’ I know only a few who would, but the others would let it slide. And then discuss with shock and disgust about the state of affairs.

The corporates?
Sitting on ‘ergonomically engineered’ chairs in climate controlled offices looking at monitors with radiation protection, these guys (me included) cry hoarse at the UPA govt. revoking the POTA and other issues that are important. We cringe if the temperature in our work areas is a couple of degrees off and pat goes the call to the maintenance. Do we realize that we can demand the same level of service from the government? Like someone suggested, not pay taxes for the year if there’s been a blast in your state? Or not pay road tax if you find 10 pot-holes in your daily commute route? Guess not… Is it ‘cos you ‘re too effin lazy (like me) or because you don’t give a f$%k (like me again)?

So, it seems that all except the victims (and their kin) of the blast are actually having a blast. It’s sad, but true – We don’t give a rat’s ass for someone else’s problem. I hope I realize – and not too late – that one day it’s going to be MY problem. But till then, this cycle will continue and it will be another city, another set of innocent victims.

Say what? If you don’t leave a comment, I’ll get the message! Hehe

Disclaimer: This post was not written to hurt your sensitivities and I had no one particular in mind but myself.

The City of Joy…

(Exhibit 1)

(Exhibit 2)

Well, it finally happened. My trip to Kolkota finally materialized. Two and a half eventful days, and I’m a convert.

Thanks to the clock-work efficiency of the Tatas, I got picked up from the airport and dropped at a well-maintained guest house in Salt lake. Had maach-bhaat and bhindi bhaja for dinner, which the caretaker was only too happy to serve thank to my rusty Bengali. The next morning, the adventures started with a phone call from the Kolkata office. They gave me a mobile number and a name. The number, I withhold, the name was Tuntun.

The name didn’t surprise me much since I’d already read a Bengali A-Z of sorts that claimed “G is for Good name. Every Bengali Boy will have a good name like Debashish or Deboprotim and a pet name like Shontuda, Chonti, and Dinku. While every Bengali Girl will be Paromita or Protima as well as Shampa, Champa and Buri. Basically your nickname is there to kill your good name.”

Oh, coming back to Tuntun. Tuntun was my driver designate for the day. A deadly combination of Rajpal Yadav physique and Sunny Deol demeanor. A mean motha’ with a profound dislike of any form of life and an equally profound fetish for trashy music. I was driven to Park Street listening to the likes of Vishwaatma’s “Dil le gayi teri bindiya, yaad aa gaya mujhko India” which roughly translates into ‘Your bindi has taken my heart, I remember India’. Before I could recollect a more shallow poem, I was dropped at hotel Peerless Inn.

I meet Ayan (pronounced ‘awe’ – ‘yawn’ as explained by him) and Arya, my colleagues in Kolkata. By the time we were done with meeting our client, the whole of Esplanade area is swarming with (an estimated 200,000) Trinamool Congress party workers. Now TMC (as the party is called), is headed by this lady called Mamta Bannerjee. I have never seen a more disturbed-looking politician. Ever! The poor lady never seems to be happy. Her promotional snaps always show a woman in a fit of rage. Or pointing an admonishing finger. Or plain constipated!

Anyway, Ayan had the presence of mind to tell Tuntun to wait away from the madhouse and we begin to walk. The worst part was getting 10 meters from the gate of our clients’ office through a sea of humanity hired and transported from the fringes of Kolkata (even civilization) and fortified with country liquor. Then, an hour or so later, we make a pit-stop at Nizams. I eat a much-awaited double-egg-double-mutton roll and a mutton tikiya. Ayan and Arya ordered biriyaani, which I politely decline given my unshakeable support of Hyderabad (and it’s biriyaani). We then digest them with another half-hour walk and half-hour wait and we are finally at the Kolkata office around 5 PM. I meet with Saurav ‘the Rockstar’ Chatterjee, Monami, Ishika, Shibani, Manju and the others who’d come back from Mumbai. Meet a few more of the staff at Kolkata, finish some work and crash! And did those legs hurt …

The next day was pretty uneventful work-wise. We weren’t driven by Tuntun. However, I went to meet my wife’s Pishi (Aunt) and her family. My first-hand experience of Bengali hospitality in Kolkata, and I was floored. Both my wife and my father-in-law have exalted Pishi’s cooking and I found out why. Pishi disappeared for a couple of minutes and reappeared with some Mughlai Paratha, Chicken, and Aaloo bhaja. Then came Rosogolla and Sandesh (Bengali sweets). Finally Pishaji forced me (and I thank him for that!) to have some divine mishti-doi (Sweet Curd). And that, according to her, were starters! I would’ve made her proud were it about a year ago when I was known for my ‘legendary’ appetite. But things change over time and I regretted having lunch… Pishi wasn’t too happy to see a ‘Jomai’ without an appetite. I promise to not disappoint her the next time and reluctantly say my good-byes. Then as usual, to work and then crash!

The third day, I am greeted again by Tuntun. This time, I ensure that both Ayan and Arya ‘face the music’ like I did the first day. We had a pretty long drive to Sonarpur and we were tripping on cult classics like Disco Dancer, Dance Dance, and other masterpieces of a ‘higher’ being called ‘Bappida’. On our way back, we had to ensure the doors were locked, coz we feared that Arya would jump out, but that didn’t happen and by the end of the trip, and we had another believer! I drop them at work, get driven to the airport (about 25 KM away) in 15 mins flat by Tuntun, and take the flight to Mumbai. I had a rather chatty co-passenger named Arnab (pronounced like doorknob, without the D) but his enthusiasm was no match for my sleepiness. Sorry Arnab.

Some things that this trip opened my eyes to:
There are always two sides to any Indian city. The clean side (Exhibit 1) and the other side.
Even Kolkata has bad English. (Exhibit 2)
Bengalis love to eat and to feed.
No one makes sweets like the Bengalis.
Being the jomai (son-in-law) is pretty cool!
Bengali women are pretty.
Malayalis are given ‘honorary’ Bengali status, especially the ones married to Bengalis :)

Rain, rain

Image courtesy BBC

The rains… they arrived about a month ago in Mumbai. A much needed respite from the heat… And in keeping with the times, there’s bundled offers too! Traffic congestion, the flu, pot-holes, the works!

However, one thing I’ve failed to understand is, when we all know that it IS going to rain around this time of the year, why doesn’t the Municipality? Why is the garbage cleaned (from the sewers onto the streets) just before the rains? Is this something they teach the BMC, NDMC, GHMC, and all the other MC (no pun intended) hopefuls?

If you ask them: What about the monsoon? How ready are we? You will most probably hear:
What about the monsoon? (Once you explain to them the concept of water precipitating from the skies, there’s a flicker and pat comes the response) Oh rain? Who can ever be ready for the rain? It is an act of nature. The Gods decide that and we are but mere pawns in His scheme. Did we predict the earthquakes? What about the Tsunami? The volcanic eruptions, suicide bombings, dumb TV anchors… these are natural calamities. And we should know better than to question His will. You people are hard to please!

And when asked how other countries are predicting and forecasting it, (The following is quoted from this interview and is NOT fictional)
One reason is their science and technology is better. Secondly, their weather pattern, their science of weather is different. Here up to 3 o' clock, there will be no cloud but at 4 you will get a cloud and by 5 it will rain. This won't happen in the US. If it's going to rain there at 4 pm, by morning there will be clouds. Even two days prior it will be known that clouds are coming. But not so in our country.
If the Americans are asked to issue a forecast for India, they will also do badly (laughs). That's what I feel because our weather pattern is difficult. When you assess a forecast skill, don't assess the (Indian Meteorological Department) IMD's skill with the skill of the USA. It is like comparing Tendulkar with a school cricket boy. It is meaningless.
You should compare the weather forecasting capability of India with any country in the tropics, that is a reasonable comparison. I am not saying the IMD is doing the best job, but it is uneasy for me to compare the IMD skill US or UK. You can compare India to Thailand or to some extent Korea, Singapore. Among the tropical countries, we are leaders, that's what I feel.

Now, I can sleep well, safe in the knowledge that the ‘Sachin Tendulkar’ of weather forecasting is watching out for us. And I’m done cribbing! We’re at-least better than Bangladesh! Or Vietnam, or Sudan, or Somalia in forecasting the weather.

Crude and rude...

"Nobody fleecess you like the government, and you look to fleece the government like nobody else" - said a wise man (ahem) once.

As of today, an Indian in Mumbai pays about INR 55.88 per liter of petrol. The left parties, the only party that thinks in India, declared a bandh to protest this hike. How inventive! And why didn't anyone else think of that? Strike work and the prices come back to normal... simple, innit? But no, the big, bad government saw through their trick and refused to bring down the price. Why? This is what I'm trying to answer today.

Now, readers, please let me know if I'm going wrong. Chandu and I tried this once (incidentally when the crude price touched $100 a barrel) and were a bit embarrassed thinking we got it wrong...

For all calculations here, I am using market close data of June 6, 2008. That fateful day, the price of crude was $138.50 per barrel and the Dollar was trading for 42.89 Rupees.

On all days, 1 barrel = 31 gallons and 1 gallon = 3.7854118 liters. Therefore, 1 barrell = 117.347765 liters.

Now, on to the calculations:

1 barrel crude oil costs USD 138.50 or INR 5940.27 (138.50 * 42.89)

so, 1 liter crude oil costs INR 50.62 (5940.27 / 117.347765)

Depending on the purity of crude and the refining process used, you get anything ranging from 30% to 70%. (You get up to 70% if you use light crude and advanced catalytic or hydro or thermal cracking, alkylation, polymerization or what not.) So I'd be safe (and quick) to assume a yeild of about 50%. Which means if you buy 1 liter of crude, you get only 1/2 liter of petrol.

Thus, the 'cost' of 1 liter of pertol is INR 101.24

Now, add to this those delightful miscellanies that WE have to pay so happily each time we buy petrol (or anything for that matter) like VAT, custom for crude, custom for petrol, sales tax, octroi, education cess(!??!!) etc., and other stuff like dealer commission, transportation, and what do we have? The 'sell' price of around INR 150 per liter (this is being extremely optimistic and assuming only about a third of the duties and stuff..)

So, the government loses about INR 100 per liter of petrol sold at today's price! Well, let's put this into perspective. According to this study, in Delhi, with over 466 signalized intersections, 3,21,432 litres of Petrol is being burnt every day due to the idling of vehicles. So, the government spends INR 32 million (3.2 crore rupees) daily only on idling cars in Delhi. Another very optimistioc assumption I shall hazard here is that the whole nation consumes only 1000 times of the petrol that is 'idled' away in Delhi. That translates to a loss of about INR 32 billion (3,200 crore rupees) loss for the government in a day. And about INR 11,688 billion (11,68,800 crore rupees) a year! Whew...

Disturbing, isn't it? I sincerely hope I'm making some mistake in my calculations here... Someone please tell me I'm wrong...

Caste-ing (c)ouch!

The caste system that was prevalent in the Indian society granted different privileges to a person based oh their caste. This is similar to the path-breaking proposal earlier by your truly. So, it essentially meant that if you are a low caste, you can not drink from the same well, pray in the same temple, eat certain things, what not. So, one would naturally assume that being a low caste kinda sucked, right?

WRONG! Boys and Girls, Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to the world of reservations! A new ideology where the ‘in’ thing is to be an outcast!

How? Very simple! If you belong to a particular category, you can get whatever job you want, go to whatever institution with a fraction of the effort! And yes, you can compete in the general category as well if you’re half as good. If you don’t get through, there’s the backdoor. This backdoor is called reservation.

Now that the concept is clear, I’d like to introduce you to a disturbing trend. Despite a ceiling of 50% (WTF??!!) on reservation, a state like Tamilnadu has 69% reservation. Another interesting fact is that 87% of the state’s population qualifies for it! That means that 7 out of every 10 buses that ply in Tamilnadu are driven by someone who didn’t ‘quite’ know how to drive! Scary? You bet it is!

Unfortunately, the sad part is that 13% of the population has to work twice or thrice as hard to get into the same college or job. But who cares? Even an illiterate can do the math – 87 votes is more than 13.

Seats are reserved for Schedules Castes, Scheduled Tribes, and Other Backward Castes (based chiefly on caste at birth) in varying ratio by the central government and state government. This caste is decided based on birth, and can never be changed. While a person can change his religion, and his economic status can fluctuate, the caste is permanent. In central government funded higher education institutions, 22.5% of available seats are reserved for Scheduled Caste (Dalit) and Scheduled Tribe (Adivasi) students (15% for SCs, 7.5% for STs). This reservation percentage has been raised to 49.5%, by including an additional 27% reservation for OBCs. In AIIMS 14% of seats are reserved for SCs, 8% for STs. In addition, SC/ST students with only 50% scores are eligible. This ratio is followed even in Parliament and all elections where few constituencies are earmarked for those from certain communities. For example, In Andhra Pradesh, 25% of educational institutes and government jobs for BCs, 15% for SCs, 6% for STs and 4% for Muslims. (That's 50%!)

And something very interesting is happening in Rajasthan as you read this: the Gujjar community wants to avail reservations and are fighting (and violently at that) to be called Scheduled Castes! To put that in perspective that we can identify, it’s like Amitabh Bachhan wanting to be a porn star so that his son can get a government job! Yes. It is that ridiculous!

Is there a way out? IMHO, the only way out is education. The whole “I will not send my son to school, but I want him to be a CEO” shit won’t fly… What we need is a paradigm shift. Reservation is just an excuse for being mediocre. According to the Sachar Commission, the Indian Muslim is not being provided the right education. And according to a related report, the Indian Christian has the highest literacy and the lowest employment rate. I agree with the BJP when they say that the reports have been manipulated for electoral reasons.

So, where will this end? I think the constitution should declare that all Indians are Scheduled Castes. And remove religion from the equation.

If you are still wondering why we can not co-exist peacefully, it’s because we have been divided by OUR constitution and played on this ever since by OUR leaders!

Read No Evil...

Caution: Longish, severely MCPish and anti-Feminazzi post

Do we really (like really, really) need Taslima back?

Taslima Nasreen, described as “a physician, a writer, a radical feminist, human rights activist and a secular humanist” by her official website, is craving to come back to Calcutta. The literary circles and activist groups are crying hoarse about her plight. Why? For those new to the newest poster-child for freedom of speech, here’s why…

Excerpts from Wikipedia: (What would we ever be without Wikipedia…)

“Taslima Nasreen is a Bengali Bangladeshi ex-physician turned feminist author who describes herself as a secular humanist. From a modest literary profile in the late 1980s, she achieved a meteoric rise to global fame by the end of the twentieth century, for her severe criticism of Islam and of religion in general.”

“Autobiographical books of Taslima raised controversy not only because of her criticisms of Islam but also for narratives involving the private lives of people. Taslima candidly described her sexual relationship with a number of named persons. She also touched upon her relationship with her four Bangladeshi husbands. Published in 2003, Ka, her third autobiographical book, was the first to raise such issues.”

“Ka, published in Bangladesh, is a self-censored version of Dwikhonditp published in India. Dwikhonditp is said to contain critical comments on the Prophet Muhammad (according to Islamic Sharia law, criticism of Muhammad is haraam and punishable by execution, provided Sharia law is in force). The latter was also banned in India by the Calcutta High Court in the state of West Bengal on 18 November, 2004.”

Now we know why she is in exile for the last 14 years. The poor lady can not enter her own country; leave alone any country with a semblance of religion… She was unceremoniously evicted from Calcutta after fierce protests. Before that, she was assaulted during a book release in Hyderabad. She was then taken to Delhi and kept in “safe custody” fearing attempts on her life. (BTW, there is a prize on her head… In March 2007, the "All India Ittehad Millat Council" of Bareilly U.P offered 500,000 rupees for her beheading.)

All this just for being promiscuous? Or for publishing those escapades? Or, is it just because she is a raving anti-Islamist? Maybe because she criticized The Prophet? What if she wanted more money? Vanity? Fame? Attention?

We shall never know. But what we do know is that she is ‘longing’ to return to Kolkata and is wondering why the government won’t let her. She innocently asks, “Kolkata is where I had set up my home. Can't I be allowed by the West Bengal government to return to my city?” I’ll hazard a guess – The Government and the people of West Bengal don’t F#@%ing want her back. And what makes her think that India will extend her Visa? Or will we see another “Ka” about her attempts to get her Visa extended? Hmmm… Her popularity abroad is also quite evident – “In 2005, her attempt to read an anti-war poem entitled "America" to a large Bengali crowd attending the North American Bengali Conference at Madison Square Garden resulted in her being booed off the stage”

What would you do if you were in her place? How will you fight this cruel, cruel world? If you ask me, I would shut the f@#k up! I never, ever kiss and tell all. I would pray to Allah to forgive my sins and publicly apologize for my indiscretions with the pen (and whatever).

Because, my dear lady, we Indians are forgiving. But we are also sensitive people who fear God. You may have had experiences that were unfortunate. But don’t blame them on The Prophet, or The Paramatma, or The Heavenly Father. Because in India, we live by a simple code: Love your Country, honor your Gods, and respect your elders. Honestly, we don’t really care whether you believe in the same God, but we will kick your @$$ back to Bangladesh if you disrespect ours. And going by the love your people have for you, you really don’t want to go back there!


P.S.:
1) This is one post I sincerely pray my wife doesn’t read. She’s a bit left of center I’m more center of right…
2) I know you may say that I’m still being ‘analy Catholic’ (a good friend once remarked so on another issue) and a bigot… Maybe I am :(
3) Freedom of speech and slander are two entirely different things. If you call your dog my name, what stops me from naming a bitch after your mother and leave her out with street dogs and writing about it huh? I’m sorry, that’s not freedom of speech! [I am using this as an example and I do not intend to infringe on that copyright]
4) If you’ve read so far, thanks. Dude, you really have nothing better to do? *LOL*

Feeling Artsy?

Image 1

Image 2


When does something cross the line from artsy to obscene? Why is a nude painting artistic, whereas half-clad cheerleading is obscene? I am referring to this article where Justice Sanjay Kishan Kaul noted that the complainants, “seem to be of the type who wouldn't go to any art gallery or have any interest in contemporary art because if they did, they would know that there are many artists who embrace nudity as part of their contemporary art."

About this time last year, we had a scandal involving Richard Gere and Shilpa Shetty. The court in Rajasthan ordered the arrest of the duo under IPC Section 294 (committing obscene act in a public place). What really happened was that Gere kissed Shetty on her cheeks. Thrice! The whole nation went up in arms against the incident. Recently, we had the cheerleader issue in the IPL. In both the above cases, the people in question had more than enough clothing to cover ‘objectionable’ areas.

Not so in MF Hussain’s case. He painted Hindu deities and Mother India in the nude. The kind of action that could get you fatwa’d. How different is he from the Dutch artist who cartooned The Prophet? At-least the cartoonist had sense to clothe and add a turban to the cartoon in question.

Oh I get it. The cartoonist hurt the religious sentiments of Muslims. Whereas, according to the ruling yesterday, MF was just being a ‘contemporary’ artist. I stand corrected. Depicting Goddesses in the nude is freedom of expression… How dumb of me!

Coming back to the Judge’s comment, I still have not understood ‘contemporary’ art. I hate modern art. I think inkblots have more character than most of the obscenely expensive stuff that looks worse than the paintings of a kindergarten kid high on LSD, let lose with a paintbrush. I fail to see art in them, and I have tried hard. Look at these few exhibits…
Exhibit 1
Exhibit 2
Exhibit 3
Exhibit 4

Hell! I can do better than that!

And just in case you were wondering, the first image is ‘Fishbowl’ by a kindergarten kid and the second by Picasso called ‘Still Life’. To me the fishbowl looks more artsy than the still life. But, then again, that’s me.

Is it too late?

I had once mentioned in a column, “Nothing rattles the Americans more than pictures of naked, starving brown kids”.

This has long been an ace up the pseudo-Christian groups’ sleeve to raise money – An emotionally charged evangelist inviting the wrath of God on the sinners, interspersed with pictures of brown children. Out come the wallets and greenbacks of which the children in question don’t see a cent.

Considering the present circumstances, “Nothing rattles the Americans more than pictures of well-clothed, well-fed brown kids”.


This image is now being blamed for the food crisis in the west. If George Bush and Condoleezza Rice are to be believed, the current global food crisis is because of the changing eating habits of the Indian middle-class (and the Chinese, to an extent). And to mess it all up, there is currently a hold on food grain export from India. So, what now that food is becoming as important a commodity in the global markets as petrol? Will we see a food-fight? (No pun intended)

But one man saw it all coming. And in his humble way, he tried to make a difference (from as far as I have experienced) for about two decades. He shares his first name with that of the current US President. He is the one man I love most in the world. He’s my dad.

I haven’t written about dad in this column primarily because I can’t do him justice. Daddy is from a middle-class family that came up from modest beginnings. I have had the privilege of close interaction with him and his siblings who worked hard, dispensed their duties, and brought up their children with good morals. All they ever wanted were educated children who did their duty. Their duties to their family, society, country, and the world.

But another important life lesson that he wished that I learn was about living within their means. To save for the rainy day and to invest the extra rupee. He would’ve been a hit in politics, but he is too honest for that. He could’ve been a writer, but he was too straight-forward for his times. He could have been a lot of things, but instead, he chose to be the world’s best dad.

The earliest warning that I could recollect was his diktat that we should serve ourselves only portions that we could finish. Kochu, my younger sis, learnt this the hard way… I still remember the look on her face when he had insisted that she finish the cauliflower dish that was on her plate. Now that I try and recollect his expression, I think he wanted to say, “If you don’t finish whatever’s on your plate, you’re wasting food. Then one day, 'Someone' will fall short of food and they’ll bomb you!”.

Only if his advice was heard by all. Live within your means. As a race, we haven’t saved anything for a rainy day, invested enough for renewable sources of energy. Instead, we chose to contest elections and write to criticize.

But then, not every country can make a Dad like mine!

And one thing’s for sure – If we don’t start looking like people in the picture, we need to be scared. Very scared. I suggest it’s time we started to save a meal each day so that the ‘mighty’ don’t feel threatened enough to use their twitchy bomb-fingers on us.

The newest circus...

I love to be entertained. To be honest, I have a morbid craving for amusement… Every morning I wake up, I thank God I am born in India. I would have been bored out of my wits in any other country…

The Hogenakkal project – an innocent proposal to provide drinking water to two districts in Tamilnadu using Tamilnadu’s share of the Cauvery water. A agreement between the two states in 1998 had ensured that neither of them will object to any project that the other does with its share of water from Cauvery. So, the TN Chief Minister lays the foundation stone for the project in February ’08. Everything’s well? Far from it.

Why? The reason for this is evident – elections in Karnataka are fast approaching. And what better election propaganda than some good old regionalism? And nothing excites us more than someone singing a parochial song. Who cares about eliminating poverty? Nobody gives a rat’s ass about corruption. Only sissies talk about good things. We want divides! Indians are quick to polarize, so one issue and you can win an election. This is the only tried and tested election tune. So much for the background…

The media, quick to act in such situations, has blown it into an epidemic that promises them TRPs. The Tamil film fraternity organizes a day-long hunger strike. It is attended by Rajnikant, Kamal Hassan, Sharat Kumar, Vijaykant, Madhaven, Ajith, and many such big names. The K’taka cine stars also staged a similar protest in Bangalore, but nobody remembers who came…

Rajnikanth, Asia’s second highest paid star, criticized the instigators for making such a big hue and cry over this issue. He warned that the people will not keep quiet. The Kannadiga brigade was quick to ask for an apology. For what? Even they don’t know! But you can gauge the general state of mind from the comments section of Rediff. Scholars, philosophers, thinkers, all putting in their two bits. Do spend a minute or two extra to admire the erudite nature of the comments and the wonderful prose…

Excerpts:
“Though the Devaki given birth to Lord Krishna he was fully owned to Yasodha, as same case Rajnikanth thougth he was was born in Karnataka he raised his in Tamil Nadu”

“it is u kannadigas who r the arrogant lot. Refusing to cooperate with u r fellow indians and having a dispute with all u rneighbours. In the north u have stolen belgaum from maharashtra, u dont allow krishna water into andhra, In south u r fighting with kerala for kasargod,usurped coorg which is not urs at all, now u want h ognekal.”

“We dont need ur explainations poge is tulu word which is also karnataka language and this has been copied to tamil so taminadu is ours....get lost with ur logic”

Disclaimer: I have not altered even a character in the above excerpts. All rights belong to Rediff.

(The beauty of these comments are that they hide more than they reveal, like in thr first comment, "raising his in Tamilnadu" I need to know now... Raising his WHAT??!! Tell me please...)

The part two of this circus started in Mumbai with a newspaper taking pot-shots at Amitabh Bachchan for not being like Rajnikanth! But I’ll leave that issue for some other time. Currently, I am enjoying the South Indian angle and am addicted to the comments on Rediff.

The search continues…

I started writing this as a reply to Sue’s comment to allow Female Gods in ‘our’ outfit. Got too long and I thought I might as well post it. Let me start by setting the context right here…

The search for a new, parochial, God-figure started in response to violence in many parts of the country against people from ‘other’ regions. These people who want total rights over ‘their’ land come from a certain school of political thought – I, Me, and Myself. So, please keep that in mind.

I’ve been consulting for some time now, and the one thing that I’ve learnt is that unless your solution, product, or service meets the end user requirements, it is a disaster. However, the end user doesn’t have control over what is bought. A salesman sells a product to the CXOs, CFOs, COOs of the world, who in all probability do not use the solution in the first place. That puts your brand image at stake, because the users start complaining after a while… Therefore a good solution, in addition to making ‘business sense’ to the top bosses (read massaging their ego), should also be appealing to the masses. That is consulting!

I shall examine the situation for you. This, of-course, should have been a PowerPoint presentation, but no one’s interested in seeing them (what’s new?). So I give you the gist of it here.

Management
Vision (Propaganda)
Revenues (Party Collections)
Investor Relations (Vote Bank)
Shareholder Value (Advantages for the rank and file)
Market Share (Actual number of seats)

End User
Ease (Will I ‘have’ to work?)
Appeal (How will I be identified as a part of this outfit?)
Productivity gain (How many people out of 10 will (or can be forced to) contribute?)
Earnings (And how much can I siphon off?)
Growth (How fast can I move to the next level? Is there another ‘group’ we can target?)

An altruistic solution WILL NOT help. No one’s buying that and we’re not here for charity. A leftist approach too, is out of the question. The top bosses do not (secretly) endorse the concept of equality. We are, therefore left with a concept of a right-winged outfit that deludes you into believing that it is participative. The righter, the better.

Now that we have identified the target audiences, we need to offer a solution. So, put on your thinking caps and give me options. If you think they are a bit long, e-mail them to me. I’ll compile them for another post and shall acknowledge your contribution. Who knows? You may even qualify for the top job if you can spew enough venom! And I am open to Gods, Goddesses and beyond.

And remember – Right is right.

Looking for a new God…

Activists in some parts of the country are on the lookout for new Gods that have origins in their region. Our constitution gives us the right to freedom of religion, and the freedom to choose our own Gods to worship. So, why worship a God who is proven to be a ‘North Indian’? Lord Krishna is from Mathura (UP), Lord Rama is from Ayodhya (again UP)… When will the ‘Bhaiyyas’ stop trying to impose their culture on us? When they migrate to other states, why don’t they worship err… Lord… err… umm… See that's the problem (whatever it is).

Lord Shiva, Lord Ganesh, and Goddess Parvati are from Mount Kailash (China)… Oh! These Chinese I tell you… Always looking for ways to belittle India.

Jesus Christ is from Israel! Prophet Mohammed is from the UAE, Lord Buddha is from Nepal. So whom do 'we' turn to? Who will fight for 'our' region?

What we need is local culture to flourish and triumph. And for that we need local Gods. Gods like… ahem… well, we’ll figure that out later. After we figure out what our culture stands for. In the meantime, let’s start beating up all priests and devotees who throng to the temples of these ‘outsider’ Gods and send them back to where 'they' came from.

We shall then focus our efforts to seek a new God who is universal in appeal, but local in origin. A God that epitomizes ‘our’ culture. Using whose name we will create a new order. An order that demands that you can live here only if your ancestors had settled here (1000? Oops… 500? Umm… 100? Well…) X years ago. We shall communicate the value of X at a later date.

In the meantime, if you have suggestions for Gods that belong to ‘Our’ community, please send them across to me. Here’s a list of criteria that should match:
Should be male (that’s our culture)
Should be married (A cool God ought to have a consort...)
Should have delusions of adequacy (I am the best and stuff...)
Should have a plan for a ‘New World Order’ ('Our' world order)
Should be willing to wear a robe (A definite must!)
Should be willing to talk on length about nothing at all (about anything)
Should be able to create controversies (Publicity is important too)
Should have long, luxuriant hair (Image, people... Image)

Wait a sec! That’s got me all over it! Well, except for the last bit, but I can wear a wig or do something about it! So, what say folks? Shri Walkeshwar (for Maharashtra), Sriniwalker (for Andhra), Walkeran (for Kerala)… I’m ready, check me out! Meanwhile, you keep beating up outsiders…


P.S: Please forgive me for the quality of the image... But that's how I look :) And I didn't have time (or the know-how) to use anything other than 'Paint' :(

It’s back!

Another year has passed. With loads of excitement in store… People are already preparing for the big day and I can sense it all around me. The news about the unique way in which we celebrate this great day has reached the world. I’m saddened that tourists are not making a beeline to India to watch us celebrate!

Scouting for spots where couples tryst has already started. Stores selling related merchandise have been identified. Banners, effigies, stones, rotten tomatoes, mulatto cocktails, swords, and other miscellanies have been stocked.

Yes… Valentines day is just around the corner!

Unlike the rest of the world, we celebrate the V-day with V for venom. As an Indian, I vehemently oppose the concept of Valentines Day. It is against our culture. It corrupts our new generation. And I am not alone. With me are myriad political parties, student unions, and social activism groups. Our cadres have infiltrated into the varied strata of society and are sniffing out events, parties, activities that the supporters of this satanic feast are organizing.

I say it is a conspiracy of the imperialists to corrupt our culture. We have never heard of people falling in love. Never has it happened in our great nation. The Taj Mahal – a man’s greatest erection for a woman – is only an exception to this. And what is all this hype about buying diamonds, chocolates and cards? Have you ever heard of any Indian in our glorious past dothis?

You may ask why I am so bitter. The answer is – I will be away from the one I love this V-day. And with me are people who have failed in love, who never have (the courage to) express their love, senior citizens who are envious that this never happened in their age and time. If We can't enjoy this day, why should we let anyone else? And we are joined by self-righteous propagators of the ‘Indian Culture’ who have to do this just to get elected and people who abhor spending money on their loved ones.

So I ask you – Have you ever failed in love? Do women avoid you like the plague? Do you secretly envy couples that fall in love? Do you think it is against your religion (or your interpretation of it)? If yes, come join me in this fight to save our culture (that’s the in-thing and that's what we'll call it). We shall pelt stones and tomatoes at shops, scare away couples, and burn effigies (of whom? The media shall decide that). But caution – Let’s stay away from the bigger organizations like star hotels, TV channels, etc. ‘cos they have security and may retaliate. Let’s just stick to the defenseless people, as they are the ones who need to be taught our culture.

I am including links to present and past activities of our clans that have recieved acclaim from the media.

Exhibit 1 - International acclaim
Exhibit 2 – Regional support
Exhibit 3 – Blast from the past
Exhibit 4 – Sisters in arms

So, what say? Meet at 4 PM tomorrow outside 'Archies Gallery' with our stockpiles? We should be joined by bored MNS and BSP activists whose leaders have been arrested too! Political mileage for this noble cause? Wow! Nothing like it :)

P.S.: Pic courtesy Times of India

Added on Feb 18, 2008:

Oops! I did go to Hyderabad to be with my Valentine afterall... So, please dismiss this post as a load of bullcrap!