The Imprudent Generation…

Thinking – such a waste of time! This has become the catch-word that Hero Honda banked on to revive the fortunes of the new CBZ – the CBZ Xtreme.

Kajol: Yeh sochne-wochne ka kaam mujhse nahi hota. Shukar hai is ghar mei koi toh intelligent hai!

Ajay: Thank you Jaanu.

Kajol: Mai tumhari nahi, humaare Whirlpool (AC or Fridge… I forget which) ki baat kar rahi hoon.

Loose translation – K: Can’t seem to get myself to think. Thankfully, there’s someone intelligent at home

A: Thanks babes.

K: Not you. I’m talking about the (random) Whirlpool (thingie) This is the latest advertisement for (random) Whirlpool product-line.

The new and disturbing trend in the ad industry – Moronizing the consumer.

I was a kid when advertisements were more focused on educating the customers (Dabur, Nirma, Melodie, etc.). Then the advertisements moved on to entertaining the customer. It used to be difficult, but I could still see some connect. I was even okay when it was just the old-school ‘demeaning the consumer’ trend. “You there… yeah you, the fugly dark babe/dude… improve your self-esteem with this fairness product” type of advertisements. Or, the “hey assface, get laid with this deo” kind of placement worked too…

But admitting that no carbon-based life form in your household has an IQ more than a random appliance is below the belt. Though the actors definitely look the part and obviously have no qualms admitting the fact, I take offence. As a Homo Sapien, that is. It is strangely, but surely comforting that you command the brown/white appliances at home. After a hard day’s work there is nothing more comforting than coming back home and relaxing, assured in the knowledge that your gadgets, fixtures, and appliances will obey your every command. They cool your room, chill your drink, heat your meal, play your music and all that.

I’d hate to be one of the people who can’t do that. Is that why they dispense all the pent-up aggression at work? Because their IQ is lower than an inanimate household item?

Ancient, Orthodox, Walker...

I sometimes wonder if I belong to a different time and age… And it’s not just my creaking bones that make me wonder that. There are a lot of things around me that continue to reinforce my belief. Let’s take fashion, for instance…

I identify with a school of thought where women look like women and men look like men. Flip through any fashion channel or magazine now, and all you will find is women with the structure of underfed pre-teen boys and men, like they’ve just been let off a concentration camp. And they both look like they’ve lost the will to live. Seriously! Is that what passes off as sex appeal these days?

And why would any legally sane person EVER want to be a size zero? What does that mean anyways? To the best of my reasoning, it could mean the size of the wearer’s brain! Why would anyone actually pay money to look anorexic? And what kind of demented folks prefer such people? Or has mutation given the new generation some kind of convex vision? Or worse – has age given me concave vision?

Whatever be the reason, there goes my dreams of becoming a supermodel! Not that it will, in anyway, come in the way of my world-domination ambitions by becoming a God-man, but still… We all like a little fan following, don’t we?

But there are still a few things that, in my mind are divided by gender. I hope this table illustrates two categories of what (most people in) my generation identify with the sexes…

Category	Item/s	Gender
Cosmetics	All cosmetics	Feminine
	After shave, Cologne, Vaseline, Talcum powder	Masculine
	Lipstick, Foundation, Rouge…	NOT Masculine
Clothing	Skirts, blouses, tank-tops, things, saris, capris, hot pants, gowns, dresses…	Feminine (Actually women look good in anything)
	Pants, shirts, tees, jeans, kurtas	Masculine (refer above too)

Men should realize that UNLIKE women, they WILL look funny wearing anything out of the above table (let’s keep regional preferences like dhotis, loincloths, etc. out of this). And that there is a fine line that divides the metrosexuals from the effeminate. I am not homophobic, but the trend of men doing their eyebrows and stuff unsettles me… And so do men or women with a lack of personal hygiene… I hope I’m making sense to you, because sometimes, I can’t understand myself. Especially in such cases. I try and simplify it to myself by saying that a Man should look like a Man and a Woman should look like a Woman.

And yes, what started this was the sight of a guy in a car, doing make-up in the morning traffic of Mumbai. Honestly, I failed to decide then – which was more pathetic.

The Superpower Riseth…

“Every child is special, me was especially so.” - D-Man

Across ages and civilizations, great men and women have roamed the Earth with powers unlike any. Superman, Obama, Batman, Jet Li, Spiderman, Obama, James Bond, Barb Wire (ahem), Obama, Shaktiman, Rakhiji… These extraordinary (white) human beings (Superman is an exception because he is from Krypton. Really, come to think of it, even Darkman was a white guy*. ) were able to rise above the ordinary because they realized their true potential. As a professional who feeds his family teaching and training, I believe that every human has, indeed, a hidden power that makes them super.

My superpower is that I can watch the most excruciating programs and movies with ease. Something my wife has not come to terms with… yet! But one day, the world will know me as – D-Man! (Pronounced as Dee Minus Man).

The D- denotes the class of movies and programs I can endure. On my resume are masterpieces like Gunda, Deshdrohi, What’s your Rashee, Main hoon Na, Manos – the hand of fate, Rakhi ka Swayamvar, AAp ka Surroorrrr, Titanic, and then some. I can even watch the late-night infomercials that sell a range of products that can make you super like Nazar Pendants and Inflatable Sofas!

And like Superman has Kryptonite, I have Ronnie – my wife. The only one that stands between me and my superpower destiny! So, these days, while she is away in Delhi, I get to perfect my craft.

So Friday evening, it’s business as usual. I veg-out in front of my TV in search of new adventures, and to drop in on some old friends who’ve evolved during my absence. And oh boy, was I rewarded! Evil Grin

DPL – Dance Premier League – This is an attempt to divide the country with the two things that most of us Indians are very passionate about. Bollywood Dance and Cricket. The country is divided into five zones – North, East, South, West, and Central. There is also a representation from Pardesi Desis – the NRIs. These teams are pitted against one another in a show that redefines mediocrity. The lack of talent of the participants is rivaled only by the dumbness of the judges.

Terminal Velocity (in Hindi) – This was nowhere near the class of Spiderman-2 that I watched in Bhojpuri. Not even close. But the sight of Charlie Sheen speaking like a tapori makes you a believer in the parallel universe concept. Don’t miss the customary end-of-movie kiss scene where the VO artists demonstrate their ability to make chirping sounds. Classic!

Pati, Patni, aur Woh – The classic boring tale of an Indian household. Spiced up with angled stare-shots and cheap bollywood music to suit the context. Even Rakhiji's presence couldn't salvage this show. 'nuf said? Makes you long for a break like the end credits for a Himesh movie…

Big Boss Season 3 – Nothing more pitiful than the sight of Amitabh Bachhan trying to understand the psyche of the participants who’ve been kicked out. To my good fortune, this time was KRK or Kamal Rashid Khan – the star of the legendary Deshdrohi.

Ninja Pandav – I swear to God I am not kidding. I probably am the first superhero to do this, but I have attached photographic evidence. The pic also contains a synopsis of the program. I am not worthy to comment.

CID – A spoof of CSI. Chronicles the average day in the life of a crack investigation unit led by a constipated but hilarious ACP, and his team that comprises of politically-correct cross-section of people, religions, and personalities like a funny Catholic and an absent-minded coroner. Unlike the Bruckheimer production, you always have to slap the suspect (in true Indian police tradition) for him/her to confess. A must-see if you are a fan of CSI…

Bairi Piya – A soap that started off as a real-life depiction of farmer suicides. The TRPs showed that the audiences wanted to see this program as bad as Abhijeet Sawant’s next movie. The producers then turned this into a rich landlord and poor landless farmer’s daughter romance. TRPs soar, producers happy!

These were sprinkled with promos of soaps, and upcoming movies that include Himesbhai’s Radio. That hurt… But what really got me curious was the promo of a show that reveals details of your past life! I would’ve been willing to give my remote-wielding right arm to find out had it not been for Facebook. Coz I know that I was Einstein in my past life! Who’s your daddy now?

And if you think there are any more such programs I can test my endurance with, please suggest them. I need to know the limits to my superpower...

P.S.: Thanks Hyacie for motivating me to write. Encourages me to know that someone actually reads these…

Post P.S.: Don’t tell my wife…

*Post-Post P.S.: Gotcha! Shaktiman and Rakhiji are not white. But gimme a break…

A fairytale begins...

Rakhi Sawant’s Swayamwar!

Hosted by a sitcom star, the show takes the audience through the dreamy journey of a girl to find her one true love. There are 16 princes who are ready to face limitless eliminations to win the hand of the princess in marriage. They are ready to accept the challenge of a Swayamwar.

For the uninitiated, a Swayamwar is a ritual in which a bride chooses her husband from a group of hopefuls. Only in this case, it’s a diverse bunch ranging from a Haryanvi student to a Kashmiri police officer to an engineer from Delhi to a Canadian businessman to a Mumbaikar choreographer to what have you… And some of them even shut Rakhi up! Methinks the stage is set for the biggest reality show on Indian television. Ever!

Rakhi Sawant is considered the most obnoxious person on screen by people who haven’t seen Balkrishna in action. She changed the entertainment quotient of Indian television starting from her ‘Pardesia’ video, to her causing a riot in a police show, to single-handedly bumping up ratings for ‘Big Boss’, to publicly dumping her boyfriend on primetime. She has been there, done that.

Now, the lady wants to settle down to a ‘Happily Ever After’. So what does she do? Hold a Swayamwar! Not a good idea if you want people to change their notion that it is a publicity stunt.

This is a program I would recommend to anyone who can’t get enough of silly entertainment and for those whose taste range from bad to perverted. I switched it on out of morbid curiosity. And Man! Was I rewarded? (Best enjoyed when baked.)

The program is available on NDTV Imagine from 2100 – 2200, and is brought to you by Fem Bleach, Manforce Condoms, iPill emergency contraceptive, and the like.

The beggar and the queen…

Cartoon by Ayan

It was no surprise actually… Like a couple of queens coming out of the closet, the Pakis and Taliban have officially announced their marriage yesterday. The wedding was paid for by the allies of the war on terror!

About 70% of money that Pak gets as aid in the ‘War on Terror’ is ‘suspiciously spent’. Like to build a house for an army general… What really irks me is the US feigning ignorance of these facts. Have they ever seen a cent of their aid money being spent on fighting extremism? The soldiers who fight the so called ‘War on Terror’ do it with sandals and bolt action rifles! Something else that's is that despite fighting enemies wielding AK56s with inferior gear, the casualties are negligible. (I am not complaining that the Paki soldiers are alive and well – soldiers are probably the only professionals who still do the duty without any grudge.) That should’ve been the first clue that these guys are sitting around in the cold, drinking ‘khaava’ and playing cards. With each other, for all you know!

And the reason for the alliance was equally obnoxious. According to the report in the International Herald Tribune, "About 3,000 Taliban militants have kept 12,000 government troops at bay and terrorized the local population with floggings and the burning of schools." ...And so we decided to forge an alliance. Bullcrap!

We have been crying hoarse about the double game that Mush was playing all the while. And once more yesterday after the happy marriage, the Pakis put in a fresh requestfor a handout! I doubt they will be denied the aid from IMF. But what I fail to understand is how come the issue of misuse of the aid was not figured out earlier? I guess it’s because the west is not familiar with the beggars in the South Asia. And now that they’ve watched a bit of Slumdog Millionaire, they are more in tune with the ‘Paki-aid-trick’.

Let’s look at the parallel - that of a beggar on the street. S/He comes to your car each day, only looking for money. You try and help her/him with food or clothes, s/he isn’t really interested. None of this money ever goes into anything that will benefit them. You give them clothes, the next day, they are there again, half-naked. The money you give in alms is spent on alcohol/narcotics and the rest goes to their bosses.

Similarly, the Pakis are not interested in aid that will benefit the war on terror. They just want money. They then buy their toys and promptly hand over a ‘cut’ to the Al-Qaedas, HUJIs, LeTs and Talibans of the world. The next day, they are back on the streets again. Stinking like a sin. And yet they succeed in raising money...

When will this menace end?

TheWalker returns...

Laziness…
Fun Holidays...
Bigger workloads…
Moving households…

Just a few of the things that kept me away from my blog. Prats finally motivates me to write something, and I think what do I write about? So much has happened with and around me… Then I thought I’d do just that – write about what happened :)

Suckfest! Reliance metro starts digging up the road leading to work. Travel time shoots up three-fold! Then this week, BMC (Brihanmumbai Municipal Corporation) digs up some space that Reliance had left out. Why should just Reliance have all the fun?

Fantastic... Took a trip to Kerala. With both parents and in-laws, we expected counseling sessions. Well, things turned out pretty well and there are some nice pics to prove it! I’ve already uploaded a video of the famed snake-boat race that the missus shot.

Not bad… Took another trip to Calcutta. Missed Tuntun on this one, though.

Cool… Ron resigns to join me in Mumbai. A good drive from Hyderabad to Mumbai with Ron and Praveen Pandit. I drive all the way, they sleep some of the way. Reached Mumbai safely. Stay with Chandu and Ruby. The latest addition to the sweetest couples we know…

Relief! To get a society NOC in Mumbai is about as easy as Osama getting a H1 visa for US. Numerous visits to police stations, assorted government offices and finally we have a roof over our head. Chandu and Ruby are relieved!

Contemplative… Think of migrating to Somalia, become a pirate, rake in the moolah! Nobody seems to bother them. And I come to know today that the pirate ship they actually bombed turned out to be a deep sea trawler. That helps!

Good. My brother, Sanju, visits us in Mumbai. Diwali was fun. We find out the wrong way that a portion of ‘fruit cream’ at the Haji Ali juice center is for four! Never one to waste food, I polish off the leftovers. Ron doesn’t bother waking me up till the next evening.

Happy… At work, we start roll-out of the most kick-yo-butt program ever! Great client feedback, boss happy, me happy!

Worried. The great economic meltdown. Bankruptcies and bailouts… I wonder if they will bailout my band of pirates if the shipping companies stop plying the Somalian coast…

Angry. The Malegaon ‘Blast Probe’ (Isn’t that an oxymoron? Especially so if you think of probe as a noun) uncovers another far-right-fundamentalists. Don’t we have enough of that already? The future don’t look too good L

Change. Another seemingly impossible feat – Obama is the President elect for US! History in the making as a brotha’ is set to ‘change’ the United States of America.

Destressed! We take a trip to Kashid, a beautiful beach near Mumbai, for a weekend. We lost our way (despite a very confident ‘Follow Me’ from Ranjith) only to find a better route! Have fun with the guys, drink lots of beer, took in some sea, and were back at work.

Troubleshooting… Google talk is blocked by the new firewall at work. Plunges my workplace into productivity! Suddenly the only thing you can do is work… I am not affected (let’s just say that you need to keep your tech guys happy) but Anu is devastated. Sort out the issue for her while Prats rediscovers me and urges me to do something about Anu’s GTalk. We all miss Prats…

I hope to not put y’all through another of these litanies. So, I’ll try and blog regularly (or intermittently at worst). ‘RESTECP’ to all who’ve still found this page! Be good and be safe…

Who’s having a blast?

The terrorists, for one, and we all know that. I was wondering who else was having a good time in the country… (For the uninitiated, I’m referring to this piece of news.)

The Excise officials?
I’ve done a lot of driving across state (and district) borders. The check-nakas or border check posts that dot the borders of states and are meant to curb transport of items for which the state has not collected tax. So, while driving out of Goa many a times, my car has been checked thoroughly for a bottle of Scotch that I could’ve hidden. But the search stops the moment you shell out some money. On an average, about 200 rupees per bottle… So, how much would the guy at the check-post have pocketed to pass these explosive-laden cars? Or did he already meet his 'target' for the day and decided not to check?

The TV News channels?
I was shocked at the number of advertisements cut-in during the reports of the blasts at Ahmedabad. The products were (probably strategically) selected to suit the target audience (Gujaratis) who were anxiously watching the program. How low will our media go? Only time will tell. In the meantime, we shall watch footages of the blast victims with a soundtrack of some b-grade movie song suggesting tragic loss! Sad? I’m not sure, but it sure as s#!t ain’t funny. But your media doesn’t give a damn! They’re already having a blast and laughing all the way to the bank.

The Intelligence community?
Well, they ‘were’ having a blast till the actual blasts took place. Now the poor guys are being blamed for whatever has happened. C’mon now! They were probably the ones who were actually gathering ‘intelligence’ about activities around them. Now does it really matter what those activities were? They can do just this much in their 10 to 5 jobs (leave home at 10, come back at 5). And the moment they are about to close-in on a lead, dang! It’s lunch-time. Or whenever they can get some verifiable intelligence, the media gets the leak and splash it on TV. Ejaz bhai will no doubt be thanking the media for helping him get away on time!

The police?
What they lack in ‘intelligence’, they make up with imagination. Like blaming Dr Talwar for his daughter’s death and creating a story around it. I really have a feeling that a section of our cops get together and smoke some 's#!t' whenever appraised of a ‘situation’. Arresting the culprit in Ahmedabad the day after the blast? Ingenious! But the unfortunate thing is that not even a jehadi is stupid enough to hang around the blast site and survey his handiwork. He’d rather be half-way across the world for all he cares.

The politicians?
Well, for sure! The NDA is cashing in on the blasts and trying to sweep the no-confidence debacle under the carpet. The Congress is frothing at the mouth swearing vengeance at the perpetrators of these ‘acts of senseless violence against innocent persons’. Other political parties have also rallied to ‘condemn’ the ‘unfortunate incidents’. It's business as usual, with the opposition too glad that something covered up the NC motion.


The blogosphere?
Oh yes! People like me who write and you who read. We’d like to know more. I was going through a similar write-up on one of my favorite blogs and I found this comment. Now the question is how many of us would’ve actually made that phone call? The more difficult question is, ‘How many of us would’ve confronted them?’ I know only a few who would, but the others would let it slide. And then discuss with shock and disgust about the state of affairs.

The corporates?
Sitting on ‘ergonomically engineered’ chairs in climate controlled offices looking at monitors with radiation protection, these guys (me included) cry hoarse at the UPA govt. revoking the POTA and other issues that are important. We cringe if the temperature in our work areas is a couple of degrees off and pat goes the call to the maintenance. Do we realize that we can demand the same level of service from the government? Like someone suggested, not pay taxes for the year if there’s been a blast in your state? Or not pay road tax if you find 10 pot-holes in your daily commute route? Guess not… Is it ‘cos you ‘re too effin lazy (like me) or because you don’t give a f$%k (like me again)?

So, it seems that all except the victims (and their kin) of the blast are actually having a blast. It’s sad, but true – We don’t give a rat’s ass for someone else’s problem. I hope I realize – and not too late – that one day it’s going to be MY problem. But till then, this cycle will continue and it will be another city, another set of innocent victims.

Say what? If you don’t leave a comment, I’ll get the message! Hehe

Disclaimer: This post was not written to hurt your sensitivities and I had no one particular in mind but myself.

The newest circus...

I love to be entertained. To be honest, I have a morbid craving for amusement… Every morning I wake up, I thank God I am born in India. I would have been bored out of my wits in any other country…

The Hogenakkal project – an innocent proposal to provide drinking water to two districts in Tamilnadu using Tamilnadu’s share of the Cauvery water. A agreement between the two states in 1998 had ensured that neither of them will object to any project that the other does with its share of water from Cauvery. So, the TN Chief Minister lays the foundation stone for the project in February ’08. Everything’s well? Far from it.

Why? The reason for this is evident – elections in Karnataka are fast approaching. And what better election propaganda than some good old regionalism? And nothing excites us more than someone singing a parochial song. Who cares about eliminating poverty? Nobody gives a rat’s ass about corruption. Only sissies talk about good things. We want divides! Indians are quick to polarize, so one issue and you can win an election. This is the only tried and tested election tune. So much for the background…

The media, quick to act in such situations, has blown it into an epidemic that promises them TRPs. The Tamil film fraternity organizes a day-long hunger strike. It is attended by Rajnikant, Kamal Hassan, Sharat Kumar, Vijaykant, Madhaven, Ajith, and many such big names. The K’taka cine stars also staged a similar protest in Bangalore, but nobody remembers who came…

Rajnikanth, Asia’s second highest paid star, criticized the instigators for making such a big hue and cry over this issue. He warned that the people will not keep quiet. The Kannadiga brigade was quick to ask for an apology. For what? Even they don’t know! But you can gauge the general state of mind from the comments section of Rediff. Scholars, philosophers, thinkers, all putting in their two bits. Do spend a minute or two extra to admire the erudite nature of the comments and the wonderful prose…

Excerpts:
“Though the Devaki given birth to Lord Krishna he was fully owned to Yasodha, as same case Rajnikanth thougth he was was born in Karnataka he raised his in Tamil Nadu”

“it is u kannadigas who r the arrogant lot. Refusing to cooperate with u r fellow indians and having a dispute with all u rneighbours. In the north u have stolen belgaum from maharashtra, u dont allow krishna water into andhra, In south u r fighting with kerala for kasargod,usurped coorg which is not urs at all, now u want h ognekal.”

“We dont need ur explainations poge is tulu word which is also karnataka language and this has been copied to tamil so taminadu is ours....get lost with ur logic”

Disclaimer: I have not altered even a character in the above excerpts. All rights belong to Rediff.

(The beauty of these comments are that they hide more than they reveal, like in thr first comment, "raising his in Tamilnadu" I need to know now... Raising his WHAT??!! Tell me please...)

The part two of this circus started in Mumbai with a newspaper taking pot-shots at Amitabh Bachchan for not being like Rajnikanth! But I’ll leave that issue for some other time. Currently, I am enjoying the South Indian angle and am addicted to the comments on Rediff.

Sorry... gotta rush!

If you’re in the corporate world, you’ll never get enough of them! You hate being in one of them, but you’re always rushing from one to another. What is it about them that always draws people to it like flies to a flame? And why is the corporate world so obsessive-compulsive about it? No one word in the office evokes such a wide plethora of emotions as this one. This post is dedicated to this monument of management. Meetings – The favorite management pastime!

The question, “What is a meeting?” is yet to be answered. Though most of us have been in one, none of us can really explain it. But this enigma continues to thrive in the corporate world. A tougher question yet is, “Why do I have to be a part of a meeting?” and the generally acceptable answer is, “Because my boss is bored” or, “Someone needs to feel important” or even “Damned if I knew! I’ve been attending this since the time I moved in”. I shall try and clarify my understanding and you could also help me out here…

What is a meeting? Hmmm… A meeting is a form of expression. I endeavor to generalize a few validations for an interaction to be counted as a meeting:

It requires more than one person. It would be silly to announce, “I am going to meet me”. If someone actually does that, this will lead to another meeting of his supervisors, peers, and anyone else interested to determine if the company can afford to institutionalize him.
More than one person speaks in a meeting. This is unless some people are allowed to speak at home.
A meeting has a specific agenda. This is a must. But there is no rule that the discussion has to be around it. You may call a meeting about growing attrition and end up with a heated discussion on the geopolitical scenario.
It is time-bound. Again flexible. People may come in about five minutes to the meeting (if its your boss, he’s on time, if it’s you, you have nothing better to do), five minutes into the meeting (again, if its your boss, he’s had something better to do and if it’s you, you need to be more punctual). Some people even rush in about the time things are getting wrapped up. Your level in the organization determines the attitude of the attendees.
You agree to meet again. This is mandatory and is the only rule that is sacrosanct. You have to carry on the flame.

You may have a meeting for many reasons:
Reviews: You made a collective commitment. If you’ve kept it, the review meeting is a happy event. Otherwise, you become the object of collective hostility and ridicule.
Projects: You decide to do something. You make a team with the hope that someone actually will know how to… You get together and fix responsibilities. This is generally followed by a review.
Goal Setting: You are bored. No one knows what is to be done. You call a meeting at an exotic location (preferably a resort), eat, drink make merry. You then come back and decide to hold a ‘project’ meeting for the same participants to achieve the objective.
Budgeting: The simplest! You have money; you meet and decide how to spend it. You don’t have money; you meet to find out who’s spending more.
Pre-Brief: An activity is planned; you meet to decide how to go about it. You lay down the ground rules and hope everyone sticks to it.
De-Brief: After an activity, you chat up to see how it went. Goes well with cocktails.
Appraisals: This is the only meeting you wish you never had to attend! You realize that your boss actually knows more that you do… at-least about what you’ve been asked to do.
Interviews: This process usually follows the appraisal. You need to replace someone that quit following an appraisal.
Exit Interviews: Almost as inevitable as the sunset. What comes in has to go out. An employee decides to leave; you want to know why. Bad decision. Now that s/he is leaving, they would generally speak their mind out about you and your organization, shattering a few beliefs.
Rituals: The most common variety held for about the same reason you celebrate Gandhi Jayanti. It’s been that way and I don’t want to be the one that changes it!

A meeting makes a manager and not the other way round. A manager is incomplete without a meeting. It’s like a smoker craving for a drag. And it requires no specific reason but to satisfy your need to feel important. And even though most people in a meeting can’t tell a pie-chart from their elbow, you keep a grim expression and keep nodding (for whatever reason). And I’m positive that most of you are reading this in between meetings or on your way to them. I know I’ve written this between (ahem… and during) them.

But I have to add that I love them. They amuse me no end. Especially the way some people behave! It’s as if their life force was derived from the amount of entertainment they unwittingly provide us. My work life would be a drag without meetings. I shamelessly admit that. So, in and out of meetings, I Keep Walking!

'Lift' kara de...

Work in a city? Have office in a multi-storeyed building? If you have answered 'Yes' to these questions, you will certainly empathize with this post and me!

One of the downsides of having to work in a multi-storeyed building is the elevator. You are so dependent on them. More than a utility, it is now a style statement, and even health clubs on the second floor have lift access! It is so much a part of our lives that we seldom give it its due. And just like we wrote in our essays in school, this marvel of technology comes at a price. For the technically inclined, to understand this world of elevators better, look here. I am also listing a few types that I've seen in my days.

The Grill - Apt name that originates from its 'see through' grill sliding doors. Very Spartan, with floor buttons inside and call buttons in the lobby. It don't matter whether you are going up or down. You control it when it comes to you. The commies could very well have designed it, because of its Socialist approach to passengers. First come, first served. May have ventilation and lighting. Much-preferred accessories are the buzzer (for amusement), a stop button (again for amusement), a liftman (depending on your mood for amusement or to test your patience), and graphic images warning people what will happen to their limbs if they are caught in the grill.

The Grill 2 – A bit superior than the grill with umpteen variations. Some have a voice command reminding you (not so politely) to ‘please close the door’ to an extremely irritating beep/alarm. These put the fear of God into the passenger and ensured that they behaved. This probably was the one that pioneered the fan in the cabin.

Gen 1 with sliding doors – These were quite the ‘in thing’ when they were launched. These doors opened and closed automatically! The doors were generally made of steel (that may or may not be painted) giving the passengers complete privacy. It inspired Steven Tyler to write a dedication to this monument of transport ‘Love in an elevator’. The automatic doors meant additional buttons to open and close the doors (again for amusement). This is the model that was here to stay.

Gen 2 with sliding doors – When we were introduces to the concept of safety, there were additional buttons and accessories added to the already growing list. On the outside, you have buttons for up and down, and inside, the alarm button and the telephone! I have learnt to truly appreciate this during my days in Gurgaon. The Power Cuts meant that the lifts used to be intermittently out of service and you were often out of service with the lift. You then press the alarm button, there are outcomes that vary from a beep, to a shrill bell, to an ambulance gone crazy. Someone comes on line and tells you to be calm and in a matter of a few minutes (ranging from 1 minute to about 20) you are rescued.

Gen 3 with sliding doors – This one is the typical elevator you can expect to find at work. It comes with air-conditioning, buttons that light up when pressed, bright lighting, video surveillance, random additional buttons… the works! I miss having a vending machine in there though…

Gen 4 with sliding doors – Minimal buttons inside. You press the floor you want to go to in the lobby, the console directs you to the car. Insides similar to the Gen 3 but without the floor buttons, depriving you of amusement.
High-speed elevators – Similar to the Gen 3, but with different cars to take for every 20 – 3- floors. You experience mild g-forces while riding it.

But one thing that never ceases to amaze me, is the ways the elevator can get to you! Especially when you have challenged co-passengers. I have listed a few that I’m sure you may have come across:

The ‘Severely Challenged’ – These are people with an average IQ below that of a snail. They press both (up and down) buttons in the lobby. A variation would be pressing the button corresponding to the opposite direction of desired travel. And no matter where they want to go, they always step in when the lift comes in.

The ‘Completely Confused’ – This includes some people from the first category too. These are the ones that have great difficulty in figuring out where to go. They get in, realize that the elevator is going in the opposite direction, and panic. They then try to get out on the next level and end up stalling your journey.

The ‘Outright Stupid’ – These, you can easily make out. They appear to be in a state of ‘zen’ in a lift. They act in slow motion and quite often end up getting on your nerves and on the wrong floor. The cycle then repeats, but it’s not your problem now :)

The ‘Harried Executive’ – flies in to the lobby, jets from one car to another, screaming on the phone, usually realizing his destination late. They get the same vibes from others that Osama gets from Bush.

The ‘Low Lives’ – Used in reference to people who get down between your floors and from where you caught the lift. They may belong to any category, but the idea is that they’ve slowed down your trip :(

The ‘Frequent Fliers’ – Gentle, benevolent beings, who use the lift at-least 8 times for round trips. Typical behavior for smokers, everything okay when you go downstairs, but reek of smoke on the way up.

The ‘Going Postals’ – Ordinary people who act in an extraordinary manner when confronted with any of the above. Behavior may range from being a ‘rebel without a cause’ (pressing all buttons on the elevator when they get off) to being abusive or violent.

The ‘Mere Mortals’ – The silent commuters who endure this trip day in and day out. Their co-workers regard them as ideal candidates that may ‘Go Postal’.

After writing this post, I now realize that I may have been responsible for the actions of some of the co-workers in my Gurgaon building. But knowing Gurgaon, I would not be surprised even if it is otherwise. Nevertheless, I Keep Walking :)