Thursday, December 10, 2009

The Walkerashtra…


If there’s one thing I’ve learnt from the last 10 years, it is this: No one messes with a deluded man out to kill himself. At-least in India!

In the not so distant future, to be precise, on January 12, 2028 (providing the world survives 2012, of course), I shall form Walkerashtra, the 87,229,317th state of the Republic on India.

And unlike the politicians of today, I shall gain approval by more persuasive means – eating unto death! Unlike fasting, eating has the additional advantage of flatulence, which has proved to be extremely effective in influencing others to not mess with you.

Walkerashtra will be created on one principle – absolute and unequivocal acceptance of its great leader – TheWalker (a la DPR Korea, the utopian society that my dear friend Max opened my eyes to). In the 120,178 sq.meters of Walkerashtra, there will be 7 statues of mine; and the entire population of 9 humans, 5 dogs, and other insects will sing songs in praise of my blog posts and my future as the unrivaled Godman.

The state animal will be a Labrador Retriever named Elvis ‘Popo’ Presley (in memory of our first dog), the state bird will be the mosquito (a homage to Kerala, my home state), and such. We shall rename every dog as either Tyson or Dopey, all trees will be called coconut trees, and each of the three street crossings will be called Walker Chowk!

My one-man state assembly, will pass a resolution to have ‘Walker’ included in the name of the airport that we share with 2,342 other states 45 miles away, and the railway station, 10 miles away, shared by 87. I too, shall collect state government taxes from all passing vehicles that have to cross about 217 states to travel 5 miles – a week-long road trip.

The central government is a sham by now, since coalitions are formed that get a majority every 7 minutes. I, personally shall be a part of at-least 3,956,317 coalitions, that were in power for a total of 187 hours – a new record, making me a national hero!

And that, my dear friends, will be the beginning to my world-domination plans. Boohaahaahaa…

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Tuesday, December 8, 2009

The Fulltyu Addityu...

Well, I was going through the 2008 Indiblog awards site, and stumbled upon quite a few gems. In case you haven’t voted for your favorite site yet, please do so NOW.

And one thing I noticed was that quite a few of them lavish attention on India’s 1st Rockstar – Himesh Reshammiya!

I can understand that ‘Radio – It’s complicated’ has released and all that, but only when I stumbled upon this, did I understand the real magnitude of adulation that the man deserves. IMHO, this site should’ve been nominated for the best Indiblog humor site ever. Fuk that! It should be voted as the best site in the history of the internet… in the history of the universe. Believe me – It’s THAT funny.

As you look at pages and posts, you will understand the pain of a man whose only fault is his awesomeness. And seeing his movies, you realize that he believes in that too. He elevated self-worship to unheard-of levels in ‘Aap Ka Surroor – The Real Luv Story’. Then, it was ‘Karzzzz’. What both the movies had in common, other than supernosural vocals and the pouting rockstar, was that there are always multiple women who desire him. That is in addition to multitudes who adore him as God’s greatest gift to music and women.

So, I decided to undertake the ultimate sacrifice of scourging his fan-site to understand the reality behind this hysteria. I’ve spent some quality time reading posts and comments by people who should’ve never been near a pen or a computer in their lives… I hope that you will understand if I’m incoherent, but I’ll try my best.

The banner of the fansite reads: Welcome To… Himesh-Reshammiya.com - The No.1 fanClub Site of India’s 1st Rock Star. It is quickly followed by “Himesh Reshammiya India's 1st and No.1 Rockstar!”. The only lucid conclusion one can draw is that the author knows as much about rock as Himesh knows about modesty. Being a fan of rock myself, I take strong offence to his brand of music being associated with anything resembling rock. But I quickly check myself to refrain from bias and move on…

I move to the blog section and I was rewarded immediately with "Himesh-Reshammiya-grows-as-an-actor" type posts. The man himself commends his acting and his steady progress to the Oscars. But please check out the comments. Fans are being driven to despair criticizing the critics. Comments like -

• “i dnt think theres any freakin person on this planet who would write this movie off….but this is how things go….this is gonna happen again n again…. i cant take it anymore”,

• “I HAD WATCHEN FIRST SAY FIRST SHOW | IT WAS AN FANTASTIC EXPERIENCE | I LOVE THE MOVIE | HIMESH ROCK | BUT I WOULD LIKE TO REQUEST U ALL RESHAMMIYANS* TO PLZZZ KINDLY GO N WATCH Bcause THE COLLECTIONS ARE VERY POOR SO PLZZZZZZ KINDLY GO N WATCH N INCREASE THE COLLECTIONS OTHERWISE IT WOULD ALSO BE A FLOP”, “HR* RAWKzzz….n RADIO is the biggest blockbuster for me…”, and

• “HR* has untapped talent in this dept…..the way he connects with the emotion scenes is brilliant…” to the maniacal

• “I luv u Himeeeshhhh... U R d kyutest and most rocking rockstar”

- were there in plenty and I was wondering if people these days really believe in such stuff and blind devotion. According to me, there are only two people who are worthy of blind adoration – Mithunda and Rajni anna.

There are also other hilarious posts that deal with “Radio is for class, not mass audience” and “Himesh is preening, “I consider the music of Radio to be my best work to date. I’m proud of every song. But Mann Ka Radio is special. It has become the youth anthem in our country.”

Yeah right! I wonder if the ‘Classes’ will have the ‘Fulltyu Addityu’ to accept such path-breaking, genre defining cinema in this time and age – only time will tell. In the meantime, please read these reviews of Radio by the best bloggers in the business:

Indiequill and Greatbong.


*(Random Info: HR was Himesh Reshammiya’s name in Aap Ka Surroor, as the World’s greatest rockstar. And His fans refer to themselves as ‘Reshammiyans’. To the best of my knowledge, it is a conspiracy to malign the acronym for the most loved department of your organization.)