Wake Up Walker...

This morning, Ajita walks up to me and asks – How is ‘Rahul Mahajan ka Swayamvar’? That was when I realized that I became the Kannagi Ohlsson of the blog world. Not good! That is not the reality. The reality is this:

My name is Walker, and I am not a Bollywood star!

…NOT!

It seems that these days, if you have to be somebody worth anything in India, you gotta be a Bollywood star. That, my friends, is the new Indian identity. My barf reflexes started building up from the first time I saw PMS – Phir Mile Sur – for the first time on Jan 27. At the grave risk of being labeled a misogynic, insensitive, b@$***d (or MIB), the song induces a PMS in me and I pity myself for choosing a career that mandates competence. I am now a lesser citizen, who will never be appreciated unless I land a role in the movies…

And once that happens, no matter what I do or say, I will always have people to support any nonsense I say… I already have a blog and a twitter ID, so those are checked. All I have to do now is arrange for a lobotomy so that I will not, even by accident, say or do anything intelligible or logical. No one even raises an eyebrow about the stupid things I do.

Case in point – the most prolific star India has known. I have lost count of the political asses he has kissed. Starting from the Congress, Samajwadi Party, Shiv Sena, Bharatiya Janata Party… Even Deve Gowda’ obscure party! Fans pant, bank swells…

Another case – the MC Hammer of Indian cinema. Owns a sport franchise, doesn’t bid for any players who come from the ‘Best Neighbor’. Then cries about it. There is an uproar, and (wink) his upcoming movie gets dragged into it. The ever-faithful Mainstream Media swarms to the story like pigeons to grain. Fans pant, bank swells…

So I am torn between my future as a God-man and that of being a star. Well, I would REALLY like a cult following, but I would also like to be on some edition of the Mile Sur series… Even the upcoming one with Rakhi Sawant, Himesh, Rahul Mahajan, Pritam, KRK and other ‘accomplished’ Indians will do. Till that happens, I would not have ‘arrived’, and I definitely want to ‘arrive’.

I also need to learn the subtle art of practising inanity while not compromising on my conceit...

In the meantime, I plan to watch MNIK and rent Chhahat and Ram Jaane to up my acting skills.

P.S.: I have no issues with the real talents like ARR, Anoushka, Amjad Ali, Zakir Hussain, Yesudas, and the others. I lose when I see Bollywood/Kollywood/Tollywood/Tiger Wood/WTFwood ham. ARR is a great singer and they didn’t let HIM sing… gave hime a fekkin fingerboard. The revulsion I feel about the PMS video could fill volumes…

The Walkerashtra…

If there’s one thing I’ve learnt from the last 10 years, it is this: No one messes with a deluded man out to kill himself. At-least in India!

In the not so distant future, to be precise, on January 12, 2028 (providing the world survives 2012, of course), I shall form Walkerashtra, the 87,229,317^th state of the Republic on India.

And unlike the politicians of today, I shall gain approval by more persuasive means – eating unto death! Unlike fasting, eating has the additional advantage of flatulence, which has proved to be extremely effective in influencing others to not mess with you.

Walkerashtra will be created on one principle – absolute and unequivocal acceptance of its great leader – TheWalker (a la DPR Korea, the utopian society that my dear friend Max opened my eyes to). In the 120,178 sq.meters of Walkerashtra, there will be 7 statues of mine; and the entire population of 9 humans, 5 dogs, and other insects will sing songs in praise of my blog posts and my future as the unrivaled Godman.

The state animal will be a Labrador Retriever named Elvis ‘Popo’ Presley (in memory of our first dog), the state bird will be the mosquito (a homage to Kerala, my home state), and such. We shall rename every dog as either Tyson or Dopey, all trees will be called coconut trees, and each of the three street crossings will be called Walker Chowk!

My one-man state assembly, will pass a resolution to have ‘Walker’ included in the name of the airport that we share with 2,342 other states 45 miles away, and the railway station, 10 miles away, shared by 87. I too, shall collect state government taxes from all passing vehicles that have to cross about 217 states to travel 5 miles – a week-long road trip.

The central government is a sham by now, since coalitions are formed that get a majority every 7 minutes. I, personally shall be a part of at-least 3,956,317 coalitions, that were in power for a total of 187 hours – a new record, making me a national hero!

And that, my dear friends, will be the beginning to my world-domination plans. Boohaahaahaa…

The Fulltyu Addityu...

Well, I was going through the 2008 Indiblog awards site, and stumbled upon quite a few gems. In case you haven’t voted for your favorite site yet, please do so NOW.

And one thing I noticed was that quite a few of them lavish attention on India’s 1st Rockstar – Himesh Reshammiya!

I can understand that ‘Radio – It’s complicated’ has released and all that, but only when I stumbled upon this, did I understand the real magnitude of adulation that the man deserves. IMHO, this site should’ve been nominated for the best Indiblog humor site ever. Fuk that! It should be voted as the best site in the history of the internet… in the history of the universe. Believe me – It’s THAT funny.

As you look at pages and posts, you will understand the pain of a man whose only fault is his awesomeness. And seeing his movies, you realize that he believes in that too. He elevated self-worship to unheard-of levels in ‘Aap Ka Surroor – The Real Luv Story’. Then, it was ‘Karzzzz’. What both the movies had in common, other than supernosural vocals and the pouting rockstar, was that there are always multiple women who desire him. That is in addition to multitudes who adore him as God’s greatest gift to music and women.

So, I decided to undertake the ultimate sacrifice of scourging his fan-site to understand the reality behind this hysteria. I’ve spent some quality time reading posts and comments by people who should’ve never been near a pen or a computer in their lives… I hope that you will understand if I’m incoherent, but I’ll try my best.

The banner of the fansite reads: Welcome To… Himesh-Reshammiya.com - The No.1 fanClub Site of India’s 1st Rock Star. It is quickly followed by “Himesh Reshammiya India's 1st and No.1 Rockstar!”. The only lucid conclusion one can draw is that the author knows as much about rock as Himesh knows about modesty. Being a fan of rock myself, I take strong offence to his brand of music being associated with anything resembling rock. But I quickly check myself to refrain from bias and move on…

I move to the blog section and I was rewarded immediately with "Himesh-Reshammiya-grows-as-an-actor" type posts. The man himself commends his acting and his steady progress to the Oscars. But please check out the comments. Fans are being driven to despair criticizing the critics. Comments like -

• “i dnt think theres any freakin person on this planet who would write this movie off….but this is how things go….this is gonna happen again n again…. i cant take it anymore”,

• “I HAD WATCHEN FIRST SAY FIRST SHOW | IT WAS AN FANTASTIC EXPERIENCE | I LOVE THE MOVIE | HIMESH ROCK | BUT I WOULD LIKE TO REQUEST U ALL RESHAMMIYANS* TO PLZZZ KINDLY GO N WATCH Bcause THE COLLECTIONS ARE VERY POOR SO PLZZZZZZ KINDLY GO N WATCH N INCREASE THE COLLECTIONS OTHERWISE IT WOULD ALSO BE A FLOP”, “HR* RAWKzzz….n RADIO is the biggest blockbuster for me…”, and

• “HR* has untapped talent in this dept…..the way he connects with the emotion scenes is brilliant…” to the maniacal

• “I luv u Himeeeshhhh... U R d kyutest and most rocking rockstar”

- were there in plenty and I was wondering if people these days really believe in such stuff and blind devotion. According to me, there are only two people who are worthy of blind adoration – Mithunda and Rajni anna.

There are also other hilarious posts that deal with “Radio is for class, not mass audience” and “Himesh is preening, “I consider the music of Radio to be my best work to date. I’m proud of every song. But Mann Ka Radio is special. It has become the youth anthem in our country.”

Yeah right! I wonder if the ‘Classes’ will have the ‘Fulltyu Addityu’ to accept such path-breaking, genre defining cinema in this time and age – only time will tell. In the meantime, please read these reviews of Radio by the best bloggers in the business:

Indiequill and Greatbong.


*(Random Info: HR was Himesh Reshammiya’s name in Aap Ka Surroor, as the World’s greatest rockstar. And His fans refer to themselves as ‘Reshammiyans’. To the best of my knowledge, it is a conspiracy to malign the acronym for the most loved department of your organization.)

Die Creativity, die…

I like creativity primarily because I have none. IMHO, people are born with it, and I’m willing to accept that and move on. I have learnt to deal with it as a divine will, like His* decision to not endow me with awesome bass guitar playing ability or George Clooney like looks. I love to be around people who can think up and do wonderful stuff like the riff on Lynrd Skynrd’s ‘Freebird’ or the sketches and inking of Savio. Unfortunately for me, I haven’t been able to accept it as a management practice. ‘Innovative’ practices are more of common sense than creativity. Using data to arrive at decisions is common sense, so labeling SixSigma as a creative tool (I know organizations that teach SixSigma in their creativity workshops. So) is weird… And creativity, unless practiced with extreme caution, can be catastrophic. I’m sure most of you are not willing to accept this, so allow me to illustrate…

You are a vocal advocate of creativity and people are really motivated with your reasoning. You become famous and are invited to New York for a seminar with a Fortune 50 company. On the flight, people recognize you and you become the center of attraction and soon, it’s time to land. In your capacity, and in your current situation, would you want the pilot to be creative? Or the Air Traffic Controller?

Now that we have that aspect out of the way, I hope you agree with me that you are better off leaving some things working the way they are. Sometimes creativity is the problem not the solution.

Most companies around are looking at ‘creative’ ways to engage their employees. The key here is to identify areas that require intervention in the first place and then identify people to pull it off. And this is not an either-or scenario. Both conditions have to be met. Otherwise, it turns out to be a ‘kiss of death’ for common sense. Let us look at some fictitious situations where creativity overrides common sense…

Situation: Less number of restrooms in an office.

Common Sense: Construct rest-rooms. If that’s a no, live with it. Who gets there first, goes first. Simple.

Creative Solution: Create a restroom policy. Now, only the management gets to use the restrooms. Organize a few fire hydrants outside the office complex for the rank and file if the organization is ‘humane’.

Situation: Unhappy employees

Common Sense: Find and eliminate cause.

Creative Solution: Hire a consultant. Devise a happiness policy. Invent a mandate for employees to follow policy. Defaulters undergo ‘coaching’ to be happy.

I hope you get the drift. All I want to say is that creativity requires two ingredients:

The right situation

The right person

Anything else is misapplication of sense. My thumb-rule is to use creative abilities only when common sense does not solve the problem

*Please forgive my reference to the Divine Creator as a male. My intention is not to be gender insensitive or politically incorrect. My life will lose its meaning if I believe my Creator to be gender neutral!

Disclaimer: This post does not intend to have any resemblance to any organization, profitable or otherwise. If you identify your organization with this post, ignore it as a coincidence and locate the nearest exit.

The Superpower Riseth…

“Every child is special, me was especially so.” - D-Man

Across ages and civilizations, great men and women have roamed the Earth with powers unlike any. Superman, Obama, Batman, Jet Li, Spiderman, Obama, James Bond, Barb Wire (ahem), Obama, Shaktiman, Rakhiji… These extraordinary (white) human beings (Superman is an exception because he is from Krypton. Really, come to think of it, even Darkman was a white guy*. ) were able to rise above the ordinary because they realized their true potential. As a professional who feeds his family teaching and training, I believe that every human has, indeed, a hidden power that makes them super.

My superpower is that I can watch the most excruciating programs and movies with ease. Something my wife has not come to terms with… yet! But one day, the world will know me as – D-Man! (Pronounced as Dee Minus Man).

The D- denotes the class of movies and programs I can endure. On my resume are masterpieces like Gunda, Deshdrohi, What’s your Rashee, Main hoon Na, Manos – the hand of fate, Rakhi ka Swayamvar, AAp ka Surroorrrr, Titanic, and then some. I can even watch the late-night infomercials that sell a range of products that can make you super like Nazar Pendants and Inflatable Sofas!

And like Superman has Kryptonite, I have Ronnie – my wife. The only one that stands between me and my superpower destiny! So, these days, while she is away in Delhi, I get to perfect my craft.

So Friday evening, it’s business as usual. I veg-out in front of my TV in search of new adventures, and to drop in on some old friends who’ve evolved during my absence. And oh boy, was I rewarded! Evil Grin

DPL – Dance Premier League – This is an attempt to divide the country with the two things that most of us Indians are very passionate about. Bollywood Dance and Cricket. The country is divided into five zones – North, East, South, West, and Central. There is also a representation from Pardesi Desis – the NRIs. These teams are pitted against one another in a show that redefines mediocrity. The lack of talent of the participants is rivaled only by the dumbness of the judges.

Terminal Velocity (in Hindi) – This was nowhere near the class of Spiderman-2 that I watched in Bhojpuri. Not even close. But the sight of Charlie Sheen speaking like a tapori makes you a believer in the parallel universe concept. Don’t miss the customary end-of-movie kiss scene where the VO artists demonstrate their ability to make chirping sounds. Classic!

Pati, Patni, aur Woh – The classic boring tale of an Indian household. Spiced up with angled stare-shots and cheap bollywood music to suit the context. Even Rakhiji's presence couldn't salvage this show. 'nuf said? Makes you long for a break like the end credits for a Himesh movie…

Big Boss Season 3 – Nothing more pitiful than the sight of Amitabh Bachhan trying to understand the psyche of the participants who’ve been kicked out. To my good fortune, this time was KRK or Kamal Rashid Khan – the star of the legendary Deshdrohi.

Ninja Pandav – I swear to God I am not kidding. I probably am the first superhero to do this, but I have attached photographic evidence. The pic also contains a synopsis of the program. I am not worthy to comment.

CID – A spoof of CSI. Chronicles the average day in the life of a crack investigation unit led by a constipated but hilarious ACP, and his team that comprises of politically-correct cross-section of people, religions, and personalities like a funny Catholic and an absent-minded coroner. Unlike the Bruckheimer production, you always have to slap the suspect (in true Indian police tradition) for him/her to confess. A must-see if you are a fan of CSI…

Bairi Piya – A soap that started off as a real-life depiction of farmer suicides. The TRPs showed that the audiences wanted to see this program as bad as Abhijeet Sawant’s next movie. The producers then turned this into a rich landlord and poor landless farmer’s daughter romance. TRPs soar, producers happy!

These were sprinkled with promos of soaps, and upcoming movies that include Himesbhai’s Radio. That hurt… But what really got me curious was the promo of a show that reveals details of your past life! I would’ve been willing to give my remote-wielding right arm to find out had it not been for Facebook. Coz I know that I was Einstein in my past life! Who’s your daddy now?

And if you think there are any more such programs I can test my endurance with, please suggest them. I need to know the limits to my superpower...

P.S.: Thanks Hyacie for motivating me to write. Encourages me to know that someone actually reads these…

Post P.S.: Don’t tell my wife…

*Post-Post P.S.: Gotcha! Shaktiman and Rakhiji are not white. But gimme a break…

The saga continues…

I have to confess… For a long time, I haven’t wanted to be addicted to a program so much. And I really don’t know why. The princess has surprised me with her humility (Like when she comforts an eliminated candidate by saying, ‘I hope you find someone better and more beautiful than me.’) and character (Staring down a contestant who hands her a Bacardi saying sum’ like, ‘The media has portrayed me as someone who is bold, but nothing is farther from the truth.’). I had tears trying to feel her pain. But at-least, the princess will ride away with a man who truly deserves her.

And no matter who wins (or is it loses), he TRULY deserves her. Help me understand this – there are guys who have wasted precious days of their life trying to get married to Rakhi Sawant, and that one of them is actually going to do that? Unreal!

I admit that in my 31 years, I have seen some pretty interesting things. I’ve seen a Bear ride a bicycle, an Elephant riding a tricycle, six sixes being hit in an over, Deccan Chargers winning the IPL, and then some. But I never imagined I’d live to see the day that Rakhi Sawant will act shy and coy!

Episode 3 was a (brace yourself) ‘Love Letter Reading Competition’. One dude’s idea about a love letter was to ask Rakhiji to challenge her suitors to sign legal papers. EVEN Rakhiji thought that it went too far. But Rakhiji heard all of them patiently and chose two guys. One for coffee and one for dinner. .. Oh and she went on record to say, “I have never been on a date, and I don’t know what happens on a date” (watch the embedded video 5:40). And by the end of it she was smitten by a fellow from Rishikesh. She also asked a dude something to the effect, ‘Can you believe that you are sitting across a table from ME?’.Now that’s humility (again). The other guy was a total loser because he chose to miss his sister’s wedding to be on a show that will test how low you can stoop to be with a mass of botox and silicon... I think he’s already proved that.

But the highlight of the show was when she voluntarily represented ALL women in India to say that 'All Indian women are housewives'. I bet the feminazis will go on a rampage against this... Like the guy who went with her on coffee says, 'Ek saath kitni khushi dogey mujhe? Mei ek aam insaan hoon.'? (Roughly translates into 'How much happiness will you give me, all at the same time? I am only human'.) I haven't been this entertained in a while...

A fairytale begins...

Rakhi Sawant’s Swayamwar!

Hosted by a sitcom star, the show takes the audience through the dreamy journey of a girl to find her one true love. There are 16 princes who are ready to face limitless eliminations to win the hand of the princess in marriage. They are ready to accept the challenge of a Swayamwar.

For the uninitiated, a Swayamwar is a ritual in which a bride chooses her husband from a group of hopefuls. Only in this case, it’s a diverse bunch ranging from a Haryanvi student to a Kashmiri police officer to an engineer from Delhi to a Canadian businessman to a Mumbaikar choreographer to what have you… And some of them even shut Rakhi up! Methinks the stage is set for the biggest reality show on Indian television. Ever!

Rakhi Sawant is considered the most obnoxious person on screen by people who haven’t seen Balkrishna in action. She changed the entertainment quotient of Indian television starting from her ‘Pardesia’ video, to her causing a riot in a police show, to single-handedly bumping up ratings for ‘Big Boss’, to publicly dumping her boyfriend on primetime. She has been there, done that.

Now, the lady wants to settle down to a ‘Happily Ever After’. So what does she do? Hold a Swayamwar! Not a good idea if you want people to change their notion that it is a publicity stunt.

This is a program I would recommend to anyone who can’t get enough of silly entertainment and for those whose taste range from bad to perverted. I switched it on out of morbid curiosity. And Man! Was I rewarded? (Best enjoyed when baked.)

The program is available on NDTV Imagine from 2100 – 2200, and is brought to you by Fem Bleach, Manforce Condoms, iPill emergency contraceptive, and the like.