The Walkerashtra…

If there’s one thing I’ve learnt from the last 10 years, it is this: No one messes with a deluded man out to kill himself. At-least in India!

In the not so distant future, to be precise, on January 12, 2028 (providing the world survives 2012, of course), I shall form Walkerashtra, the 87,229,317^th state of the Republic on India.

And unlike the politicians of today, I shall gain approval by more persuasive means – eating unto death! Unlike fasting, eating has the additional advantage of flatulence, which has proved to be extremely effective in influencing others to not mess with you.

Walkerashtra will be created on one principle – absolute and unequivocal acceptance of its great leader – TheWalker (a la DPR Korea, the utopian society that my dear friend Max opened my eyes to). In the 120,178 sq.meters of Walkerashtra, there will be 7 statues of mine; and the entire population of 9 humans, 5 dogs, and other insects will sing songs in praise of my blog posts and my future as the unrivaled Godman.

The state animal will be a Labrador Retriever named Elvis ‘Popo’ Presley (in memory of our first dog), the state bird will be the mosquito (a homage to Kerala, my home state), and such. We shall rename every dog as either Tyson or Dopey, all trees will be called coconut trees, and each of the three street crossings will be called Walker Chowk!

My one-man state assembly, will pass a resolution to have ‘Walker’ included in the name of the airport that we share with 2,342 other states 45 miles away, and the railway station, 10 miles away, shared by 87. I too, shall collect state government taxes from all passing vehicles that have to cross about 217 states to travel 5 miles – a week-long road trip.

The central government is a sham by now, since coalitions are formed that get a majority every 7 minutes. I, personally shall be a part of at-least 3,956,317 coalitions, that were in power for a total of 187 hours – a new record, making me a national hero!

And that, my dear friends, will be the beginning to my world-domination plans. Boohaahaahaa…

The Fulltyu Addityu...

Well, I was going through the 2008 Indiblog awards site, and stumbled upon quite a few gems. In case you haven’t voted for your favorite site yet, please do so NOW.

And one thing I noticed was that quite a few of them lavish attention on India’s 1st Rockstar – Himesh Reshammiya!

I can understand that ‘Radio – It’s complicated’ has released and all that, but only when I stumbled upon this, did I understand the real magnitude of adulation that the man deserves. IMHO, this site should’ve been nominated for the best Indiblog humor site ever. Fuk that! It should be voted as the best site in the history of the internet… in the history of the universe. Believe me – It’s THAT funny.

As you look at pages and posts, you will understand the pain of a man whose only fault is his awesomeness. And seeing his movies, you realize that he believes in that too. He elevated self-worship to unheard-of levels in ‘Aap Ka Surroor – The Real Luv Story’. Then, it was ‘Karzzzz’. What both the movies had in common, other than supernosural vocals and the pouting rockstar, was that there are always multiple women who desire him. That is in addition to multitudes who adore him as God’s greatest gift to music and women.

So, I decided to undertake the ultimate sacrifice of scourging his fan-site to understand the reality behind this hysteria. I’ve spent some quality time reading posts and comments by people who should’ve never been near a pen or a computer in their lives… I hope that you will understand if I’m incoherent, but I’ll try my best.

The banner of the fansite reads: Welcome To… Himesh-Reshammiya.com - The No.1 fanClub Site of India’s 1st Rock Star. It is quickly followed by “Himesh Reshammiya India's 1st and No.1 Rockstar!”. The only lucid conclusion one can draw is that the author knows as much about rock as Himesh knows about modesty. Being a fan of rock myself, I take strong offence to his brand of music being associated with anything resembling rock. But I quickly check myself to refrain from bias and move on…

I move to the blog section and I was rewarded immediately with "Himesh-Reshammiya-grows-as-an-actor" type posts. The man himself commends his acting and his steady progress to the Oscars. But please check out the comments. Fans are being driven to despair criticizing the critics. Comments like -

• “i dnt think theres any freakin person on this planet who would write this movie off….but this is how things go….this is gonna happen again n again…. i cant take it anymore”,

• “I HAD WATCHEN FIRST SAY FIRST SHOW | IT WAS AN FANTASTIC EXPERIENCE | I LOVE THE MOVIE | HIMESH ROCK | BUT I WOULD LIKE TO REQUEST U ALL RESHAMMIYANS* TO PLZZZ KINDLY GO N WATCH Bcause THE COLLECTIONS ARE VERY POOR SO PLZZZZZZ KINDLY GO N WATCH N INCREASE THE COLLECTIONS OTHERWISE IT WOULD ALSO BE A FLOP”, “HR* RAWKzzz….n RADIO is the biggest blockbuster for me…”, and

• “HR* has untapped talent in this dept…..the way he connects with the emotion scenes is brilliant…” to the maniacal

• “I luv u Himeeeshhhh... U R d kyutest and most rocking rockstar”

- were there in plenty and I was wondering if people these days really believe in such stuff and blind devotion. According to me, there are only two people who are worthy of blind adoration – Mithunda and Rajni anna.

There are also other hilarious posts that deal with “Radio is for class, not mass audience” and “Himesh is preening, “I consider the music of Radio to be my best work to date. I’m proud of every song. But Mann Ka Radio is special. It has become the youth anthem in our country.”

Yeah right! I wonder if the ‘Classes’ will have the ‘Fulltyu Addityu’ to accept such path-breaking, genre defining cinema in this time and age – only time will tell. In the meantime, please read these reviews of Radio by the best bloggers in the business:

Indiequill and Greatbong.


*(Random Info: HR was Himesh Reshammiya’s name in Aap Ka Surroor, as the World’s greatest rockstar. And His fans refer to themselves as ‘Reshammiyans’. To the best of my knowledge, it is a conspiracy to malign the acronym for the most loved department of your organization.)

Die Creativity, die…

I like creativity primarily because I have none. IMHO, people are born with it, and I’m willing to accept that and move on. I have learnt to deal with it as a divine will, like His* decision to not endow me with awesome bass guitar playing ability or George Clooney like looks. I love to be around people who can think up and do wonderful stuff like the riff on Lynrd Skynrd’s ‘Freebird’ or the sketches and inking of Savio. Unfortunately for me, I haven’t been able to accept it as a management practice. ‘Innovative’ practices are more of common sense than creativity. Using data to arrive at decisions is common sense, so labeling SixSigma as a creative tool (I know organizations that teach SixSigma in their creativity workshops. So) is weird… And creativity, unless practiced with extreme caution, can be catastrophic. I’m sure most of you are not willing to accept this, so allow me to illustrate…

You are a vocal advocate of creativity and people are really motivated with your reasoning. You become famous and are invited to New York for a seminar with a Fortune 50 company. On the flight, people recognize you and you become the center of attraction and soon, it’s time to land. In your capacity, and in your current situation, would you want the pilot to be creative? Or the Air Traffic Controller?

Now that we have that aspect out of the way, I hope you agree with me that you are better off leaving some things working the way they are. Sometimes creativity is the problem not the solution.

Most companies around are looking at ‘creative’ ways to engage their employees. The key here is to identify areas that require intervention in the first place and then identify people to pull it off. And this is not an either-or scenario. Both conditions have to be met. Otherwise, it turns out to be a ‘kiss of death’ for common sense. Let us look at some fictitious situations where creativity overrides common sense…

Situation: Less number of restrooms in an office.

Common Sense: Construct rest-rooms. If that’s a no, live with it. Who gets there first, goes first. Simple.

Creative Solution: Create a restroom policy. Now, only the management gets to use the restrooms. Organize a few fire hydrants outside the office complex for the rank and file if the organization is ‘humane’.

Situation: Unhappy employees

Common Sense: Find and eliminate cause.

Creative Solution: Hire a consultant. Devise a happiness policy. Invent a mandate for employees to follow policy. Defaulters undergo ‘coaching’ to be happy.

I hope you get the drift. All I want to say is that creativity requires two ingredients:

The right situation

The right person

Anything else is misapplication of sense. My thumb-rule is to use creative abilities only when common sense does not solve the problem

*Please forgive my reference to the Divine Creator as a male. My intention is not to be gender insensitive or politically incorrect. My life will lose its meaning if I believe my Creator to be gender neutral!

Disclaimer: This post does not intend to have any resemblance to any organization, profitable or otherwise. If you identify your organization with this post, ignore it as a coincidence and locate the nearest exit.

The Superpower Riseth…

“Every child is special, me was especially so.” - D-Man

Across ages and civilizations, great men and women have roamed the Earth with powers unlike any. Superman, Obama, Batman, Jet Li, Spiderman, Obama, James Bond, Barb Wire (ahem), Obama, Shaktiman, Rakhiji… These extraordinary (white) human beings (Superman is an exception because he is from Krypton. Really, come to think of it, even Darkman was a white guy*. ) were able to rise above the ordinary because they realized their true potential. As a professional who feeds his family teaching and training, I believe that every human has, indeed, a hidden power that makes them super.

My superpower is that I can watch the most excruciating programs and movies with ease. Something my wife has not come to terms with… yet! But one day, the world will know me as – D-Man! (Pronounced as Dee Minus Man).

The D- denotes the class of movies and programs I can endure. On my resume are masterpieces like Gunda, Deshdrohi, What’s your Rashee, Main hoon Na, Manos – the hand of fate, Rakhi ka Swayamvar, AAp ka Surroorrrr, Titanic, and then some. I can even watch the late-night infomercials that sell a range of products that can make you super like Nazar Pendants and Inflatable Sofas!

And like Superman has Kryptonite, I have Ronnie – my wife. The only one that stands between me and my superpower destiny! So, these days, while she is away in Delhi, I get to perfect my craft.

So Friday evening, it’s business as usual. I veg-out in front of my TV in search of new adventures, and to drop in on some old friends who’ve evolved during my absence. And oh boy, was I rewarded! Evil Grin

DPL – Dance Premier League – This is an attempt to divide the country with the two things that most of us Indians are very passionate about. Bollywood Dance and Cricket. The country is divided into five zones – North, East, South, West, and Central. There is also a representation from Pardesi Desis – the NRIs. These teams are pitted against one another in a show that redefines mediocrity. The lack of talent of the participants is rivaled only by the dumbness of the judges.

Terminal Velocity (in Hindi) – This was nowhere near the class of Spiderman-2 that I watched in Bhojpuri. Not even close. But the sight of Charlie Sheen speaking like a tapori makes you a believer in the parallel universe concept. Don’t miss the customary end-of-movie kiss scene where the VO artists demonstrate their ability to make chirping sounds. Classic!

Pati, Patni, aur Woh – The classic boring tale of an Indian household. Spiced up with angled stare-shots and cheap bollywood music to suit the context. Even Rakhiji's presence couldn't salvage this show. 'nuf said? Makes you long for a break like the end credits for a Himesh movie…

Big Boss Season 3 – Nothing more pitiful than the sight of Amitabh Bachhan trying to understand the psyche of the participants who’ve been kicked out. To my good fortune, this time was KRK or Kamal Rashid Khan – the star of the legendary Deshdrohi.

Ninja Pandav – I swear to God I am not kidding. I probably am the first superhero to do this, but I have attached photographic evidence. The pic also contains a synopsis of the program. I am not worthy to comment.

CID – A spoof of CSI. Chronicles the average day in the life of a crack investigation unit led by a constipated but hilarious ACP, and his team that comprises of politically-correct cross-section of people, religions, and personalities like a funny Catholic and an absent-minded coroner. Unlike the Bruckheimer production, you always have to slap the suspect (in true Indian police tradition) for him/her to confess. A must-see if you are a fan of CSI…

Bairi Piya – A soap that started off as a real-life depiction of farmer suicides. The TRPs showed that the audiences wanted to see this program as bad as Abhijeet Sawant’s next movie. The producers then turned this into a rich landlord and poor landless farmer’s daughter romance. TRPs soar, producers happy!

These were sprinkled with promos of soaps, and upcoming movies that include Himesbhai’s Radio. That hurt… But what really got me curious was the promo of a show that reveals details of your past life! I would’ve been willing to give my remote-wielding right arm to find out had it not been for Facebook. Coz I know that I was Einstein in my past life! Who’s your daddy now?

And if you think there are any more such programs I can test my endurance with, please suggest them. I need to know the limits to my superpower...

P.S.: Thanks Hyacie for motivating me to write. Encourages me to know that someone actually reads these…

Post P.S.: Don’t tell my wife…

*Post-Post P.S.: Gotcha! Shaktiman and Rakhiji are not white. But gimme a break…

The saga continues…

I have to confess… For a long time, I haven’t wanted to be addicted to a program so much. And I really don’t know why. The princess has surprised me with her humility (Like when she comforts an eliminated candidate by saying, ‘I hope you find someone better and more beautiful than me.’) and character (Staring down a contestant who hands her a Bacardi saying sum’ like, ‘The media has portrayed me as someone who is bold, but nothing is farther from the truth.’). I had tears trying to feel her pain. But at-least, the princess will ride away with a man who truly deserves her.

And no matter who wins (or is it loses), he TRULY deserves her. Help me understand this – there are guys who have wasted precious days of their life trying to get married to Rakhi Sawant, and that one of them is actually going to do that? Unreal!

I admit that in my 31 years, I have seen some pretty interesting things. I’ve seen a Bear ride a bicycle, an Elephant riding a tricycle, six sixes being hit in an over, Deccan Chargers winning the IPL, and then some. But I never imagined I’d live to see the day that Rakhi Sawant will act shy and coy!

Episode 3 was a (brace yourself) ‘Love Letter Reading Competition’. One dude’s idea about a love letter was to ask Rakhiji to challenge her suitors to sign legal papers. EVEN Rakhiji thought that it went too far. But Rakhiji heard all of them patiently and chose two guys. One for coffee and one for dinner. .. Oh and she went on record to say, “I have never been on a date, and I don’t know what happens on a date” (watch the embedded video 5:40). And by the end of it she was smitten by a fellow from Rishikesh. She also asked a dude something to the effect, ‘Can you believe that you are sitting across a table from ME?’.Now that’s humility (again). The other guy was a total loser because he chose to miss his sister’s wedding to be on a show that will test how low you can stoop to be with a mass of botox and silicon... I think he’s already proved that.

But the highlight of the show was when she voluntarily represented ALL women in India to say that 'All Indian women are housewives'. I bet the feminazis will go on a rampage against this... Like the guy who went with her on coffee says, 'Ek saath kitni khushi dogey mujhe? Mei ek aam insaan hoon.'? (Roughly translates into 'How much happiness will you give me, all at the same time? I am only human'.) I haven't been this entertained in a while...

A fairytale begins...

Rakhi Sawant’s Swayamwar!

Hosted by a sitcom star, the show takes the audience through the dreamy journey of a girl to find her one true love. There are 16 princes who are ready to face limitless eliminations to win the hand of the princess in marriage. They are ready to accept the challenge of a Swayamwar.

For the uninitiated, a Swayamwar is a ritual in which a bride chooses her husband from a group of hopefuls. Only in this case, it’s a diverse bunch ranging from a Haryanvi student to a Kashmiri police officer to an engineer from Delhi to a Canadian businessman to a Mumbaikar choreographer to what have you… And some of them even shut Rakhi up! Methinks the stage is set for the biggest reality show on Indian television. Ever!

Rakhi Sawant is considered the most obnoxious person on screen by people who haven’t seen Balkrishna in action. She changed the entertainment quotient of Indian television starting from her ‘Pardesia’ video, to her causing a riot in a police show, to single-handedly bumping up ratings for ‘Big Boss’, to publicly dumping her boyfriend on primetime. She has been there, done that.

Now, the lady wants to settle down to a ‘Happily Ever After’. So what does she do? Hold a Swayamwar! Not a good idea if you want people to change their notion that it is a publicity stunt.

This is a program I would recommend to anyone who can’t get enough of silly entertainment and for those whose taste range from bad to perverted. I switched it on out of morbid curiosity. And Man! Was I rewarded? (Best enjoyed when baked.)

The program is available on NDTV Imagine from 2100 – 2200, and is brought to you by Fem Bleach, Manforce Condoms, iPill emergency contraceptive, and the like.

I Stay...

Cartoon by Ayan

Well guys, now that I’ve decided not to emigrate to the seemingly greener and safer pastures in Afghanistan or SWAT, I’m returning to my page.

Those of you following the greatest democratic mandate in the world would agree with me that before the counting began on May 16, the future seemed pretty bleak. The prospects of a third front, or possibly even a fourth front coming to power looked inevitable. Imagine the depths that a Prime Minister like Mayawati could have led us to… (shudder!) That was when I seriously thought about migration to a place that would be safer, less corrupt, and with some prospects of earning honest bucks. Like somewhere in the SWAT valley or Afghanistan...

Somebody like Mayawati (and we do not have any dearth of such politicians) could have turned this country into a UP-like state of lawlessness and apathy! (Anybody who has visited UP in the last couple of years will understand what I'm saying here.) And we would have little option , but to move to more developed centers to earn a living... Imagine a son-of-the-soil leader in Pak styled on Raj Thakeray, rallying the masses and beating up 'bloody Indians' who come to Pakistan to steal their livelihood... Trust me, we weren't far... and that's what scared the Zardari out of me!

Thankfully after the counting, things looks good, with Dr Manmohan Singh continuing as the PM. Though I am not pro-party, I want a stable government with competent leaders. With talks of people like Montek Singh, PC, Rahul Gandhi, Shashi Tharoor getting cabinet seats this time, the country looks ahead to good times. The BSE shared the optimism this morning and rocketed to about 13,500 in just 3 minutes! For the first time in its history, the BSE hit its upper circuit. Trading was halted till 11:55 and then it hit the circuit again in 10 seconds flat!

I pray that the INC capitalizes on this wave and elevate the image of politics in India from the depths it is currently in, to at-least ground level. And I wish others would learn from the mandate and do something similar. And I hope that the people of India realoze that they need to play a more active role in governance.

Freedom of expression…

Freedom of expression is a concept that ranges from simple logic to complex legality. But the essence of the right is a person’s wish to speak freely. Now, as all fans of Spiderman are aware, ‘With great power comes great responsibility’ and the same goes for freedom of expression.

However, in most civilized societies (I await the results of the 2009 election before deciding where to classify India), this freedom excludes ‘Hate’ and ‘Offense’. It’s another debate as to what either of them mean… I mean, even in a simple household like mine, classics like ‘Goonda’, ‘Deshdrohi’, and the like are offensive to the missus, and movies like ‘Mamma Mia’ that makes me sick. (I bet Kamaal R Khan could own Meryl Streep and her flock of pansies any day... Bring it on!) This conflict of perception also happens when you inform the twit, whose car brushes yours, about your intentions for him and his dear ones… And when a packed crowd cheered Raj or Varun, there was a whole other crowd who s#at their pants! So, this conflict of perception is nothing new to us and we eperince it at various levels.

However, how do you react to something said under influence? Something said after you smoked(or whatever) something weird, but potent and then you are all of a sudden put on national television for comments? And you do not have time to grip facts or reality for that matter? Well I guess it would come out something like this, this, this, or this. (This guy Zaid Hamid never fails to crack me up!)

Cheers guys. I hope you too can share some more such stoner comedies… And I hope guys like him are not persecuted for their free speech or else we would lose some quality entertainment!

AWOL for 6 Weeks...

Well, what do I say? The financial year ends keeping most of us on our toes and the rest of us on the sidelines watching the fun. You guessed right about which group I belong to (wink).

The world’s changed quite a bit since Feb 17, ’09 (hint: my last post), and I thought I’d put in my two bits of how it’s affecting me…

Valentines Hang-over

You would’ve guessed it… The generous contributors to the ‘pink chaddi’ campaign who were discreet enough to write down their personal address and numbers on the couriers expecting a sari, are now flooded with obscene calls from the outfit’s workers. I’m not surprised at all! Moreover Muthalik plans to sue all contributors to the campaign for defamation. His logic: It is ‘perverted’. Hmmm… I wonder what could be more perverted than beating up hapless young women… I know: wearing chaddis! According to Ravi, a passionate fan of Muthalik, underwear is not a part of Indian culture. Now that makes us all ‘Christian Westerners’ don’t it? (Please see comment under: HELL WITH THE FREE CULTURE PROTOGANISTS.... HELL WITH PUB CULTURE by Ravi on 23 Feb 2009 on the second link)

Shift Focus

The Maharashtra government is planning to shift this year’s Ganesh Pooja celebrations to Kabul. This was keeping in mind the inability to provide adequate security for the event. The authorities decided on Kabul after extensive survey of ‘low risk’ cities around the world that ended with Kabul tied with Lahore and Baghdad. The samitis have already started contacting their donors and members to start processing their travel paper-work, growing beards, stitch burquas, and the like. Keeping in mind the taliban’s sensitivity to music, the crowds will have to use personal MP3 players. Each committee will post their music on the net where the devotees can download the playlist.

Of course this ain’t true (not for 2009 at-least)! But the IPL season 2 has definitely moved to South Africa citing similar reasons…

The Other Gandhi…

The obscurity of Varun Gandhi has come to an end. Everybody knows ‘the other Gandhi’ now. As the poster boy of the right-wing, he was ‘forced’ to deliver a hate speech against the Muslims by his political opponents. Or so says his mother Maneka Gandhi. Her reasoning? It is incorrect to file a case against him. However, you would be glad to know that Varun was unrepentant. This didn’t stop the UP government from slapping the NSA on him. As the biggest reality show in India hits the road, you can expect a lot more action…

Held Hostage

I was held hostage at home today from 08:00 to 11:15 by my maid. It was traumatizing to say the least. Ron’s in Mukhteshwar with Baba and Ma and that leaves me home alone for the next few days. So, I have to wait for the maid to do her thing before I leave for work. Praveen Pandit had come over last evening and (correct me if I’m wrong, Pandit) was ready for work for the first time (ever) at 08:00. But then, we were held prisoners by the maid who decided to make an appearance at 11:00. The sweltering Mumbai heat (that’s touching 41 degrees Centigrade or 106 F) didn’t add to the experience. I tried to keep Pandit pacified with a few cups of coffee and then tea, but that din’t seem to cheer him up either. Finally we drove to work at 11:15 blasting heavy metal and that seemed to do the trick.

Well, as you’ve read, it’s been quite eventful, the past couple of months. I've also watched Mithunda's Goonda, and similar poems on celluloid thanks to Ratul. But I plan to pick up a copy of NFS Undercover sometime soon to help things along for the next few days/weeks… Which means that my fingers may be too swollen to type the next post.

So, till next time, be cool guys and keep walking!

The beggar and the queen…

Cartoon by Ayan

It was no surprise actually… Like a couple of queens coming out of the closet, the Pakis and Taliban have officially announced their marriage yesterday. The wedding was paid for by the allies of the war on terror!

About 70% of money that Pak gets as aid in the ‘War on Terror’ is ‘suspiciously spent’. Like to build a house for an army general… What really irks me is the US feigning ignorance of these facts. Have they ever seen a cent of their aid money being spent on fighting extremism? The soldiers who fight the so called ‘War on Terror’ do it with sandals and bolt action rifles! Something else that's is that despite fighting enemies wielding AK56s with inferior gear, the casualties are negligible. (I am not complaining that the Paki soldiers are alive and well – soldiers are probably the only professionals who still do the duty without any grudge.) That should’ve been the first clue that these guys are sitting around in the cold, drinking ‘khaava’ and playing cards. With each other, for all you know!

And the reason for the alliance was equally obnoxious. According to the report in the International Herald Tribune, "About 3,000 Taliban militants have kept 12,000 government troops at bay and terrorized the local population with floggings and the burning of schools." ...And so we decided to forge an alliance. Bullcrap!

We have been crying hoarse about the double game that Mush was playing all the while. And once more yesterday after the happy marriage, the Pakis put in a fresh requestfor a handout! I doubt they will be denied the aid from IMF. But what I fail to understand is how come the issue of misuse of the aid was not figured out earlier? I guess it’s because the west is not familiar with the beggars in the South Asia. And now that they’ve watched a bit of Slumdog Millionaire, they are more in tune with the ‘Paki-aid-trick’.

Let’s look at the parallel - that of a beggar on the street. S/He comes to your car each day, only looking for money. You try and help her/him with food or clothes, s/he isn’t really interested. None of this money ever goes into anything that will benefit them. You give them clothes, the next day, they are there again, half-naked. The money you give in alms is spent on alcohol/narcotics and the rest goes to their bosses.

Similarly, the Pakis are not interested in aid that will benefit the war on terror. They just want money. They then buy their toys and promptly hand over a ‘cut’ to the Al-Qaedas, HUJIs, LeTs and Talibans of the world. The next day, they are back on the streets again. Stinking like a sin. And yet they succeed in raising money...

When will this menace end?

The Fiasco and after…

I am probably the last blogger with his first take on the Satyam fiasco. My reason – it was surreal. And I needed to comprehend what happened, and how. And like I already mentioned, it was hard to believe.

The number 4 IT company in India admitting to financial data manipulation at the highest level despite having one of the ‘Big Four’ as its auditors, is astounding! And that too, someone with just about 3% of the stake in the company doing all this single-handedly? Farfetched. Something like this was possible in the early 20th century. But c’mon guys, this is the 21st century! It’s not as if Raju fudged the attendance records or something – this was a booker prize winning work of fiction.

If his admissions and subsequent reports are to be believed, the entire cash position was cooked up! Year after year. I find it hard to believe that no one else knew about this. I mean c’mon man, are we all to believe that he hired idiots and retards? That the innocent C-level didn’t have a clue about all this for all these years? That a firm like PWC was given the ‘Chinese 5-star factory tour’ and went back all praises? And that for all his efforts, Satyam was awarded the Golden Peacock for corporate governance? Bullcrap!

And disclosures of auditors that say that they attended meetings where the agenda was to cook books. They couldn’t understand what was going on just because the word ‘fudging’ was not used. Hmmm… let me think… get outta here! Either these guys were innocent as angels or they believe we are. And we all know we aren’t!

In my reckoning, this is just the tip of the iceberg. I think it’s just a while before the $hit hits the fan.

Ramalingaraju.com was the second most pathetic work of fiction. I refuse to believe that CEOs and Directors would want to openly declare their solidarity for RR. And that too, in grammar and language that could make the worst of Paki media persons cringe!

That the average Indian does not condone this didn’t come as a surprise to me. Like the protagonist in RGV’s Guru who bribes, cheats, and lies his way to the top, Raju too, is a hero to scores. And like ‘Gurubhai’, Raju also just wanted to do ‘bijnej’. The followers don’t give a fuk if he brings mistrust and disgrace to an industry which is already bearing the brunt of the global recession. All that matters is that they make their money. And that, my friends is the true ‘Indian Dream’!

I was almost admiring the genius of this guy when an interesting observation by Sharma Uncle, Baba’s closest friend made sense, “Yaar iss mei dimaag lagaaney ki koi zaroorat nahi hai. Aisi tuchha-panti toh chotey-motey contractor log barson se kartey aa rahe hain… Mazdoor kam lagao aur zyaada ka paisa mango.” (Translation: This didn’t require brains. This kind of third-class tactics were used by small time contractors from time immemorial… Employ less and show inflated wages.) This was no high-class fraud, this was just cheap and down-market! Sure, the scale was huge… but the scheme was pathetic. I expected better class out of the illustrious Satyam C-level, but what they’ve done wouldn’t even impress a pickpocket. The petty thief from his adjacent cell will own him anyday!

Now I wait for the day that Raju turns a politician. Well, that’s the only place he can find sympathizers. And that’s the ultimate glory that any petty criminal can hope for…